paz Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I'm so conflicted about what happened at a New Years Party last weekend, and I would love to get some unbiased advice. To make a long story short: (1) I made out/almost fooled around with my close friend and roommates sort of ex- (2) I feel really bad about it, but I simultaneously wish we would have done even more and I know that, put in the same position, I would probably end up doing it again (3) I'm wondering if it's possible or probable that everything that happened was just so she could get revenge on my roommate. Here's the more complete story: I'm a 23 year old guy. I graduated from college last year and now work. I'm a fairly quiet guy and don't usually hook up with random girls. I've never had sex, but I've had pretty long term relationships. At the same time, certain types of girls are attracted to me and I can also have moments of confidence... On New Years, I went to a party that one of my friends from college invited me to. I wasn't sure who I would know there, but I knew there was a chance that a lot of my close girl friends would be there (none of whom are single) and I knew that Cait, a girl who my roommate and friend, Rob, is somewhat infatuated with still, even after years of not speaking with her. He talks about her all the time, saying some of the meanest things I've ever heard. He even went so far as to request that I tell him if she was going to go anywhere near the club he was going to, so he could leave. Cait is best friends with one of my close friends and best friends with a girl who was really into me in the past. She also lives out of state and was flying home the next day. I struck up a little conversation with her right away and went she asked who I was living with and I told her, she questioned, "are you even allowed to talk to me?" (I told her that I talk to whomever I want to talk to. She also added that in her opinion the only reason Rob hates her is that she didn't want to date him). More of my friends arrived and I talked to them a lot, but I came back to Cait several times over the course of the night. We talked a lot and found out that we actually had quite a bit in common. I was flirtier and more aggressive than I normally am. When the night got late, she said she was hot and suggested we go on a walk. We did and held hands--I'm not sure who initiated that--and after awhile she looked like she clearly wanted me to kiss her, so I did. Later, we went back inside, I offered her the couch, and she asked me to move to the floor with her. Soon, my hands were up her dress and she wanted to take off her clothes. Unfortunately, we couldn't find any private area, so we did nothing. At one point, she asked what girl I had been planning on hitting on, going into the night, and I just said, "not you." She also made a comment to the extent of, "now don't turn into Rob." The next day, I felt so guilty about what happened. Rob somehow guessed what had happened by a pretty harmless comment I wrote on her facebook wall. He was distraught and asked that I not do it again. I agreed--shouldn't be hard since she lives really far away anyways. I commented honestly that I thought she was out of my league so I don't even understand how it happened. He said that I was pretty much her type and that she was easy, so he wasn't at all surprised. When I shared the story with one of my other friends, he pointed out that I have really never fooled around with a girl that hot before and thought she was just trying to get revenge on Rob. Does that seem likely? I would feel soooo much worse if I betrayed my friend and roommate on what was basically a con designed to hurt him... I don't think that that is the case because (1) I brought up Rob at least half of the times he came up, (2) I don't think he's as big of a deal to her as she is to him, (3) She's friends with my girl friends including a girl who was attracted to me, (4) I initiated a lot of it, (5) She would have told him herself if she wanted to hurt him, (6) She wouldn't be facebook messaging me privately if her goal was for him to find out. Probably more reasons to. But did I get played? And how can I get over the guilt of betraying my friend and roommate, especially knowing that I would probably do it again? If you have any questions or clarifications, please let me know. Thanks!
Author paz Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Forgot to mention-- I'm not planning on doing anything with her again (I hope). I just need to know if I got played!
Keridan Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 First, you are right. Don't go back to this problem. It seems that you and Rob are buddies and getting with a girl on a friend's history list is bad play. Not good ground to stand unless you don't plan on keeping the friend. Second, I doubt you got played. Seems more like you were a point of interest and, if anything at all, the only thing it mattered was that it made it a little more fun to tweak yer buddy. Usually there are pretty big and hard to miss hints if you are just filling a role in a revenge plot. You didn't mention any biggies. I don't think you got played and I think you need to stick to not seeing her again, no matter the temptation. Go out to the bar and hit on a fresh selection of women You'll have fun.
Author paz Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 First, you are right. Don't go back to this problem. It seems that you and Rob are buddies and getting with a girl on a friend's history list is bad play. Not good ground to stand unless you don't plan on keeping the friend. Second, I doubt you got played. Seems more like you were a point of interest and, if anything at all, the only thing it mattered was that it made it a little more fun to tweak yer buddy. Usually there are pretty big and hard to miss hints if you are just filling a role in a revenge plot. You didn't mention any biggies. I don't think you got played and I think you need to stick to not seeing her again, no matter the temptation. Go out to the bar and hit on a fresh selection of women You'll have fun. Thanks for the reply! Out of curiosity, what would be a telltale sign a girl was looking for revenge?
Keridan Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Well, I have known them to say it outright, which was kinda a flag Honestly, it's a feeling that's kind of hard to miss. Inflections when/if she mentions the other dood, talking constantly about him (especially any dates since her), probably making fun of him. Asking how he would feel about you kissing her instead of worrying about how YOU feel. Usually, it's hard to miss. Also, it's not really that common of a revenge tactic. Especially if Rob wasn't there at the time and she didn't make a specific move to see that he knew about it. You have to go with yer gut, though.
Author paz Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 (edited) Ok. I think that makes me feel better then. I think the closest to what you describe was when she asked if I had been planning on going after her all night and I said no, anyone but you. She asked why and I said because rob would "kill me.". We both kinda shrugged and moved on... That's probably not that bad, right? (she might have made that more of a leading question; it's all such a blur I barely remember...) Also every time he came up, she always just said "I think he's just upset that I didn't want to date him" and I said I was staying out of it. That was always the end of it. Also--at some level I *do* feel like the scandal of it all did make it more fun. Is that a bad sign? Edited January 11, 2011 by paz
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