TyrionLannister Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I just joined last night and posted the first time under the thread Questions. My wife has agreed to see a counselor with me, but wants both of us to see separate counselors as well, but we have not yet seen the counselor. I will be moving back into my house this coming weekend. I had my son last night and he he did not sleep well and neither did I. I told my wife that I was going back to my parents house and she told me to just take the nap here, When I awoke my son and her are sleeping in the guest bedroom. should I go in and try cuddling her? How much affection should I show in all situations do I still need to give her more time. She has told me that she does not me to try right now. I feel lost with no directions.
sirweasles Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Dont push anything it sounds to me like you have gotten over the biggest hurdle now you need to be nice loving friendly and funny. dont bring up your relationship let her no matter how much you want to. Remember you are still in the dog house women dont forget and it takes them along time to fully forgive. You have to be on your best behavior and never forget this lesson. Second chances after things have gone this far are usually last chances. Right now you need to win her heart and affection back you cant bull your way into anything you have to finess. Patients is going to be your best friend. Dont crowd her dont push for anything just wait for her to take the next step. I wish I was over that first biggest hurdle. Good Luck keep posting.
PWSX3 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Do NOT push the romance... Focus on seeing the counselor for yourself, learn what part you had in why things went bad. Remember it takes two doing 100% (no not 50-50) to make a marriage work. Educate yourself on relationships, there are many good books out there such as The 5 love languages, His Needs Her Needs for example. If you are seeing a counselor don't expect just a couple sessions will do the trick, spend at least 6-12 months going. Learn to be her friends again.
sirweasles Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Do NOT push the romance... Focus on seeing the counselor for yourself, learn what part you had in why things went bad. Remember it takes two doing 100% (no not 50-50) to make a marriage work. Educate yourself on relationships, there are many good books out there such as The 5 love languages, His Needs Her Needs for example. If you are seeing a counselor don't expect just a couple sessions will do the trick, spend at least 6-12 months going. Learn to be her friends again. This is excellent advice though you do have to realize that you maybe the only one giving 100% at first she will probably hold back until she knows you are really trying to better yourself not your sittuation she has to regain trust have patients and keep workin on you.
Author TyrionLannister Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 I wish I would have listened to your advice. I started wrote her a letter and sent her a text today telling her that I love her, when I got home she flipped out on me. She told me that I was not going to bully her into loving me again. I really had a hard time not shouting back at her. I kept wanting to tell her that we just need to file for divorce and get this over with, though that is not how I feel. I glad I held my tongue. I know that it took me years to get myself in this mess, but I just want her to love me again and things to be the way they used to.
robf1971 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I wish I would have listened to your advice. I started wrote her a letter and sent her a text today telling her that I love her, when I got home she flipped out on me. She told me that I was not going to bully her into loving me again. I really had a hard time not shouting back at her. I kept wanting to tell her that we just need to file for divorce and get this over with, though that is not how I feel. I glad I held my tongue. I know that it took me years to get myself in this mess, but I just want her to love me again and things to be the way they used to. Way too needy man
sirweasles Posted January 12, 2011 Posted January 12, 2011 Catch your breath understand that in order for there to be anger there has to be feelings. I made the same mistakes only I kept them up you need to listen to what your wife is telling you believe it or not what she says in an ofhand sort of way right now is her giving you pointers on how to make things better. you need to let her know you love her but dont drown her maybe once or twice a day tell her in the morning "good morning I love you have a good day" and leave it at that at night "good night sleep good I love you" and leave it at that dont bring up anything with your relationship piriod!!!! shen she is ready she will bring it up you need to be pleasant you need to make yourself usefull and you need to show that you can be happy and do things with out her. Go out with friends occasonally not to much but once a week when you are at home play with your children and interact with them dont go out of your way to help your wife with anything she doesnt ask you too except house hold tasks that should be shared by both of you you do need to go out of your way with cleaning trying to take some of the load off of her and dont even think about trying to get recognition for it treat this situation as though you are trying to make a complete stranger fall in love with you becouse at this point she is a complete stranger you do not know how she will react to anything hense the lost and confused feeling you have. go out of your way yo be the most loving respectful and fun person you have ever been remember all the good times youve had with her and think about your attitude during them times you need to recreate that attitude where you know she was having a great time you need to be the person she fell in love with and unfortunatly you need to do this with no hopes of recognition and you have to make this your everyday all the time attitude. Proof is what she needs not words. become the person she confides in by listening and responding and being supportive only talk about yourself if she directly asks you about somthing you need to be honest and sincere and you will find that if there is any hope things will slowly start falling into place. remember POSSATIVE everything has a possative side learn to see that not the negative side. and listen when your wife gives any advice she is the only map you have to her.
hanging on for now Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 I just joined last night and posted the first time under the thread Questions. My wife has agreed to see a counselor with me, but wants both of us to see separate counselors as well, but we have not yet seen the counselor. I will be moving back into my house this coming weekend. I had my son last night and he he did not sleep well and neither did I. I told my wife that I was going back to my parents house and she told me to just take the nap here, When I awoke my son and her are sleeping in the guest bedroom. should I go in and try cuddling her? How much affection should I show in all situations do I still need to give her more time. She has told me that she does not me to try right now. I feel lost with no directions. I have spent many a day setting on my hands. I haven't been able a couple of times to curtail my desire for intimacy with her and both times she shut it down immediately. It's very difficult because not only are you not paying the preacher, you still love her and desire her as before. I know, I'm there. I wish there was a better answer, I don't have it. She asked me what would be a perfect date the other night, expecting me to describe walking on the beach in Maui, picnic lunch and all for that is what I used to say. I shocked her; said setting on her couch wating whatever on the tube, as I had my arm around her and she was leaning into my breast with her head below my chin. I could smell her hair and rub her back. She tried to make a joke about a cheap date but I could see in her eyes that struck a positive nerve in her. Simple, intimate without sex and closeness. That's about what she wants right now. Oh she won't let me do that but she heard it. And the strange thing is, I would love to do just that. No expensive trip to the city. Just me and her, reconnecting. Key is you absolutely have to mean it. She is looking for any possible lies in the married man armor. Don't say it if you don't mean it.
BlindRage Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Oh wow, I am flabbergasted. Is it not the point on seeing a MC to work out issues between each other? How are you going to do that if she is with another counselor? It seems pointless. Also, she flipped out for a simple "I love you" text? She blamed you of an apparent 'conspiracy' to her of you trying to get her to fall in love with you through bullying. All I have to say to that is WOW. I think you should really think twice about anything you do. Don't show her affection. She doesn't want it.
iheartboobs Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 First of all: love the name, big Game of Thrones fan. Second: you got to quit pushing yourself on her in any way. She wants to be away from you and you're not going to change her mind about that. I know what you're thinking... you're thinking with the right argument, the right train-of-thought, or logical thinking you're going to convince her that she's wrong in feeling the way she feels. That might work if she thought she had to get away from you, but women don't work like that, she feels she has to get away and you can't change how she feels with a logical train-of-thought. Okay, so now you know you're not going to change her mind about you overnight, so what do you do? Pull away from her. Yes, it's counter-intuitive, but that's what you have to do. You've tried pushing yourself on her and what has it gotten you? Did it work? Are you closer? No. You pushed yourself on her and she responded by pulling away from you and she's going to do that every time. You want her to push herself towards you? You've got to pull away from her. That means no talking about the relationship or how much you love her or how you miss her. If she brings it up, fine, let her take the lead and let her talk, but under no circumstances should you broach the subject at any point in the near future or gush your heart out to her. No hanging around just to be near her. If she's watching tv in the living room, go watch it in the bed room, if she's in the kitchen and you're hungry, make yourself a sandwich and get the hell out. Go and do things without her. Join a gym, or go hang out with some friends, or anything to get out of the house so she knows you're not just sitting around sad and lonely pining away over her. Forget about her for a little while and focus on yourself. Think about it: do you think your wife is more attracted to a sad, depressed, dependent, shell of a man clinging to her or a happy, confident, independent, man who she knows will be perfectly fine with or without her. That isn't a hard choice, so why are you acting like the former example? Are you trying to get her pity? Because, as a rule, women don't find pitiful sexy. So, to recap: 1. stop pushing yourself on her, give her space 2. go do your own thing to prove to her (and yourself) that your world doesn't revolve around her 3. do not bring up the relationship or how you feel, if she brings it up, let her talk, but get off the subject asap 4. happy the **** up - I don't care if you feel like your soul is being ripped out and your heart is going to stop beating, you be friendly, polite, and smile.
Author TyrionLannister Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Thanks for the advice guys. I think most of your alls advice has been very good, but I am very hard headed and stupid sometimes. My wife and I talked last night for a long time about our week and our day never talking about our relationship. Before we went to bed (separate rooms), she gave me a hug. It was great. I told her that I loved her then we both went to bed. I woke up this morning becuase my son was crying and wanted out of his crib. My son wanted to see his mommy so I let him in her (our) room. My son likes to play "night night" so he yells at me to lay down on the bed, and I do. But here is my fatal flaw: I lean over and wrap my arms around my wife and she becomes very distant again. Dumb dumb move on my part. Back to the drawing board.
Author TyrionLannister Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 First of all: love the name, big Game of Thrones fan. . The first three books are the best books I have ever read. Not a big fan of the fourth book however.
iheartboobs Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 Once again, two things: 1. The fourth book was slow, but the ending was amazing... worth it. 2. Why would you take the time to ask for advice that you're not going to use? We know what you're going through. We know what it's like. We know you want to hold your wife and kiss her and have everything magically get better without having to work or do anything hard... but that's simply not going to happen. It's not. It's not. Do you understand? If you want her back, you're going to have to do things that you don't want to do. You're going to have to do things that are hard. If you're not willing to do that, then keep doing what you've been doing, and you'll keep getting what you've been getting, and then you can come back here in a bit and ask for divorce advice. If you are willing to do that, then you need to start taking our advice immedietly. You don't have infinite time here, and you don't get infinite do-overs if you **** up, so quit ****ing up. Get the right attitude and focus on yourself. You keep wanting us to give you ways to magically change your wife into someone who's attracted to you. Too bad! That's not going to happen. What we can do is give you ways to change yourself into someone who's more attractive to her. That's it. You're the one who has to do the work. You're the one who has to change. If you're not going to change, if you're just going to politely thank us for our advice and then ignore it to go off and do your own thing like you've done, then just tell us that you know best and we know nothing so everyone can stop wasting their time. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but this isn't a game. This is the rest of your life you're playing around with. Don't screw around.
iheartboobs Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 My wife and I talked last night for a long time about our week and our day never talking about our relationship. Before we went to bed (separate rooms), she gave me a hug. It was great. I told her that I loved her then we both went to bed. Lastly, I just wanted to comment on this bit because I found it amazing. You tried implementing some of the advice we gave you (not talking about your relationship), and it worked, so you decided to go back to what you were doing before, which has proven multiple times not to work. It's like I found you trying to put out a house fire with gasoline, so I told you to use water instead. You used it and were like "wow, this really works a lot better!" and then immedietly went back to pouring gas on it.
Author TyrionLannister Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Lastly, I just wanted to comment on this bit because I found it amazing. You tried implementing some of the advice we gave you (not talking about your relationship), and it worked, so you decided to go back to what you were doing before, which has proven multiple times not to work. It's like I found you trying to put out a house fire with gasoline, so I told you to use water instead. You used it and were like "wow, this really works a lot better!" and then immedietly went back to pouring gas on it. Your Right.
sirweasles Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 iheartboobs you speak for us all lol. I couldnt have said it better myself. It is very very important to let her know you love her and care but it is more important to wait until she is ready to talk about the relationship and even more important than that is that you dont touch her any more than necissary with out invitation. right now you have to work on you keep it real and spend time with your son. dont shy away from anything your wife has to say but also dont get drawn into her traps when she is upset. you have to treat her like you just barely met her in almost everyway outside of letting her know you love her and care. that intells a true sincere I Love You once a day and maybe an off hand love you sleep good before bed. nothing more the rest of the time you have to try to be her support the more she feels that she can trust talking to you the more she will talk to you.
Author TyrionLannister Posted January 21, 2011 Author Posted January 21, 2011 How are things going Tyrion? I am not sure. My wife has been really nice to me this past week, which is great. We talked the other day (she brought the subject up) and she told me that she loves me, but she still does not have nay romantic feeling for me, and does not know how to get those feeling back. She called me today at lunch out of the blue to see how I was doing, and that made me happy, but I am still confused. What can I do to help rekindle of romance? Should I do anything? We are still sleeping in separate bedrooms, and I have not tried to touch her becuase of the last time I tried she became very distant. I'm at loss.
Thx55 Posted January 21, 2011 Posted January 21, 2011 sorry to but in on this post, however i have been following the advice here as well.. im new and not quite sure how to PM other members but "iheartboobs" if you get a chance to read my post i could also use your advice..thank you and good luck TYRION i feel your pain man. hang in there.. stay positive at all cost!!
iheartboobs Posted January 24, 2011 Posted January 24, 2011 I am not sure. My wife has been really nice to me this past week, which is great. We talked the other day (she brought the subject up) and she told me that she loves me, but she still does not have nay romantic feeling for me, and does not know how to get those feeling back. She called me today at lunch out of the blue to see how I was doing, and that made me happy, but I am still confused. What can I do to help rekindle of romance? Should I do anything? We are still sleeping in separate bedrooms, and I have not tried to touch her becuase of the last time I tried she became very distant. I'm at loss. Are things better now than they were last week? She may not be feeling romantic love for you (yet), but she does love you. It sounds like she's quit pulling away and, if she isn't moving closer to you, she's at least in a holding pattern. That's a hell of a lot better than it was. Keep up what you're doing for now, it's working. In another two to three weeks you should ask her out on a date. Buy her a rose (don't go overboard, one's romantic, a dozen's desperate), take her out to a nice restaurant and go see a movie or a play or go dancing or something (you know what she likes better than me). When the night's over, give her a kiss on the cheek (just a kiss on the cheek... it's non-threatening), thank her for a lovely evening, and retire back to your seperate bed. If she asks you to sleep with her, go for it (and feel free to suprise her with something new in there), if she doesn't, go to bed happy with the knowledge that you are making progress and that she'll dream of you that night. That's what you want, right? Then I cannot stress this enough: do not rush things. You can get there, but you can't rush it. This seems to be working, so stick with it. If you have any questions, post or PM. Good luck. sorry to but in on this post, however i have been following the advice here as well.. im new and not quite sure how to PM other members but "iheartboobs" if you get a chance to read my post i could also use your advice..thank you and good luck TYRION i feel your pain man. hang in there.. stay positive at all cost!! I'll give it a read and see what I can do.
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