Dante311 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Is it really possible? I don't know for me... perhaps I'm mentally ill? I just can't do it. Somehow... 2 exes have managed to worm their way back into my life... one of whom, I am still slightly disgusted by, but we're still good friends. I know people who wouldn't see it any other way of being friends with their exes.. ...****, the girl I'm seeing now would go absolutely bonkers if I didn't let her talk to her ex... she loves him still, but I like her. I know it sounds like I'm a doormat in this one, but I am drawing a fine line between being HER man and that doormat. She knows if she pushes my limits too far.. or crosses that line she's done for. She's already done it once. And that was before we had been dating exclusively... and I launched her out of my life. All I can do now is TRY and trust her again until she slips up. Regardless of my current situation (tangent) ... ...am I wrong that I refuse to be friends with an ex? I feel like I have on need for them in my life... something broke between us... why keep them around? Either they ****ed up or I did... regardless, there's no use in trying to fix something like that unless both of us are.
january2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I agree with you and that has been my general approach until recently. Though admittedly, the 'friendship' has been due to necessity (financial and business ties). I'm still trying to decide if being friends with exes really is the 'adult' thing to do. Looking around the infidelity forum, it's interesting to see how many affairs started off with exes re-connecting. At my age, more and more people I come across have 'baggage' of some sort and it may be the case that I need to compromise a lot more in my approach. However, I do think that the old adage of "doing what you feel is right for you" is the best way to go if you're unsure.
Sevenscars Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 No you should not be friends with your ex. No you're not mentally ill. There's no point and it'll just bring more pain onto you. Now as for this new girl, if you're feeling the way you describe then get rid of her so you can move on to something better before she steps all over you. Because if you feel this way now, how will you feel in the future? Do you expect things to get better when you're just waiting for her to screw up? Stop being the rebound. You're in 2nd place buddy, I'm sorry. Get rid of her, go for gold.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 There's no rule saying you have to be friends with ex's, but some of us still get on so well with our ex's-as good friends rather than partners-I'm good friends with my ex and my partner is good friends with his, my partner is so close to his they spend frequent w/ends together which I do find hard at times as we are in an LDR so I wish it were me and not her he was spending that time with, but apart from that I understand why they want to be friends, same as I want to be friends with my ex, we didn't just stop loving them and getting on with them as people just because we were no good as partners anymore, always seems petty to me, if no-one has cheated on their ex or done anything nasty why suddenly hate them or be against them. I trust my partner and he trusts me, neither of us are cheaters. But it doesn't work for everyone
J0N Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I think it depends on the 'depth' of the relationship. If you truly loved someone, a certain amount of time has to pass. Basically if you are totally ok with your ex having sex with someone else and have moved on. I don't see why you can't be friends, but if you still have feelings for them then it will probably not end well, unless they feel the same way about you. Just my $.02
0hpenelope Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 ...am I wrong that I refuse to be friends with an ex? I feel like I have on need for them in my life... something broke between us... why keep them around? Either they ****ed up or I did... regardless, there's no use in trying to fix something like that unless both of us are. I don't think you're wrong in not wanting to be friends with exes. I have never done it because I'm uncomfortable with the knowledge that there's always going to be a part of me that's with that person. I've seen it done by others with varying degrees of success but to me, it's not my thing to do. I like a clean slate when I'm moving on and trying to be friends with my ex keeps me anchored to the past. I don't want it. NC, NC, NC.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 This is all true I had to go NC with my ex for a while before I could move on and be just friends with him, we are both with other people now, I don't have feelings for him anymore, see him like a brother I have a deep bond with. I wasn't able to be friends with him when I still wanted him back, that doesn't work! I think it depends on the 'depth' of the relationship. If you truly loved someone, a certain amount of time has to pass. Basically if you are totally ok with your ex having sex with someone else and have moved on. I don't see why you can't be friends, but if you still have feelings for them then it will probably not end well, unless they feel the same way about you. Just my $.02
Author Dante311 Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 I don't think you're wrong in not wanting to be friends with exes. I have never done it because I'm uncomfortable with the knowledge that there's always going to be a part of me that's with that person. I've seen it done by others with varying degrees of success but to me, it's not my thing to do. I like a clean slate when I'm moving on and trying to be friends with my ex keeps me anchored to the past. I don't want it. NC, NC, NC. HEY! it's me, Bananaboat11 i don't know if you remember me. you were VERY supportive after Nicole destroyed me over a year ago... thank you so much
stopthemadness Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Is it really possible? I don't know for me... perhaps I'm mentally ill? I just can't do it. Somehow... 2 exes have managed to worm their way back into my life... one of whom, I am still slightly disgusted by, but we're still good friends. I know people who wouldn't see it any other way of being friends with their exes.. ...****, the girl I'm seeing now would go absolutely bonkers if I didn't let her talk to her ex... she loves him still, but I like her. I know it sounds like I'm a doormat in this one, but I am drawing a fine line between being HER man and that doormat. She knows if she pushes my limits too far.. or crosses that line she's done for. She's already done it once. And that was before we had been dating exclusively... and I launched her out of my life. All I can do now is TRY and trust her again until she slips up. Regardless of my current situation (tangent) ... ...am I wrong that I refuse to be friends with an ex? I feel like I have on need for them in my life... something broke between us... why keep them around? Either they ****ed up or I did... regardless, there's no use in trying to fix something like that unless both of us are. Am trying to be friends with my ex and its HARD. He broke up with me..again. This time it feels like its REALLY over. Well its not working out seems every time I turn around am upset when we talk. Gona have to go N/C....I guess I had to try.....
pandagirl Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Most people I know who are friends with ex went NC for a long time before it happened, like 1-2+ years of absolutely no talking. Once the feelings are gone on both sides, I don't see why you couldn't be friends if you wanted that.
0hpenelope Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 HEY! it's me, Bananaboat11 i don't know if you remember me. you were VERY supportive after Nicole destroyed me over a year ago... thank you so much Hey, Rob! You're welcome. Glad to see you're moving on. I'm dealing with a recent break-up, but I definitely have a much better handle on things now. I'm going through the process of letting go, but the one thing I'm focusing on is "This guy did not see my value. He didn't think I was worth staying with. It doesn't matter what he says. He walked out on me and I'm going to move on." Good luck with the new gf.
health Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Is it really possible? I don't know for me... perhaps I'm mentally ill? I just can't do it. Somehow... 2 exes have managed to worm their way back into my life... one of whom, I am still slightly disgusted by, but we're still good friends. I know people who wouldn't see it any other way of being friends with their exes.. ...****, the girl I'm seeing now would go absolutely bonkers if I didn't let her talk to her ex... she loves him still, but I like her. I know it sounds like I'm a doormat in this one, but I am drawing a fine line between being HER man and that doormat. She knows if she pushes my limits too far.. or crosses that line she's done for. She's already done it once. And that was before we had been dating exclusively... and I launched her out of my life. All I can do now is TRY and trust her again until she slips up. Regardless of my current situation (tangent) ... ...am I wrong that I refuse to be friends with an ex? I feel like I have on need for them in my life... something broke between us... why keep them around? Either they ****ed up or I did... regardless, there's no use in trying to fix something like that unless both of us are. Still thinking of your ex while in a new relationship - can destroy the new relationship - it's bad. The girl your with now is no good if she still talks to her ex. I dated a girl who demanded to keep speaking to her ex - I left her - she is basically putting energy into her ex - I left her then and there - the girl should put all her energy into you - that's honestly anemotional affair.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 For me I only went NC for about 6 weeks, 7 months post break up, 18 years together, but it was enough to move me forward enough. It's different for everyone Most people I know who are friends with ex went NC for a long time before it happened, like 1-2+ years of absolutely no talking. Once the feelings are gone on both sides, I don't see why you couldn't be friends if you wanted that.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 You can't put your situation onto everyone else though, it's different for everyone, it won't work if you're with someone new and still have feelings for your ex, but there's nothing wrong with being friends with your ex if you have both moved on and neither of you have feelings (other than f/ship) for each other, this applies to me and my ex and to my partner and his ex. You don't know anything about the OP's ex, so you can't make assumptions. You may have made a mistake leaving your gf just because she wanted to still speak to her ex, she may have been totally innocent, don't assume everyone is a cheat, emotionally or sexually. It also seems so petty and immature to me in general (not aimed at you or anyone in particular) that you're expected to immediately dislike and have nothing at all to do with your ex once you split up just cos you're no longer together, like you're getting at them for leaving you maybe, leaving someone isn't a crime. Fair enough some couples change enough to not want to spend any time together ever again or cheating has gone on, but for those couples where there is still love and respect then why turn your back on them, not all couples end up hating each other. There's too much hate in the world already to show animosity for no good reason to someone you love/d just cos you don't work as partners anymore. Some ex's I wouldn't want to be in touch with for various reasons, ie just don't get on anymore or was cheated on, nothing much in common, maybe never really loved them that much in the first place, but 2 of my ex's will always be special to me, as friends. Still thinking of your ex while in a new relationship - can destroy the new relationship - it's bad. The girl your with now is no good if she still talks to her ex. I dated a girl who demanded to keep speaking to her ex - I left her - she is basically putting energy into her ex - I left her then and there - the girl should put all her energy into you - that's honestly anemotional affair.
Leandro Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 After some time has gone by and feelings are gone on both side, I believe you can be friends. Friends after the break up? No. Probably a few years.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Depends on how long you're hung up on your ex for, it takes weeks or months for some people, rather than years. After some time has gone by and feelings are gone on both side, I believe you can be friends. Friends after the break up? No. Probably a few years.
SithLord Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 did an ex girlfriend or boyfriend ever return bak to you and want you back after you told them you never want to be friends with them again?
KYoung2200 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 did an ex girlfriend or boyfriend ever return bak to you and want you back after you told them you never want to be friends with them again? That has happened to me before, yes. Didn't turn out great though.
SithLord Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 That has happened to me before, yes. Didn't turn out great though. How long it took? because i told my ex we cant be friends no more after i felt she try to get her emotion needs and benefits being friends with me, since the guy she chasing isnt paying mind to her. she kept me on facebook, she told me to have a nice life, i said thank u...
KYoung2200 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 How long it took? because i told my ex we cant be friends no more after i felt she try to get her emotion needs and benefits being friends with me, since the guy she chasing isnt paying mind to her. she kept me on facebook, she told me to have a nice life, i said thank u... About a month. We only lasted three months after because nothing changed.
SithLord Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Kyoung - SHE started dissing me on facebook on her status, i wanna puke.....im really disgusted what shes becoming...
KYoung2200 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Time to go full on NC. I myself am doing a small text of the waters as well. I told my ex that I would contact her when I'm ready to talk. I've not blocked all forms of communication. Perhaps I will regret this decision in the future, but eh. We're not FB buds We're on eachother's AIM list (though she only ever got that to talk to me) We deleted eachother's numbers, but know them by heart.
TheGrimSweeper Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Kyoung - SHE started dissing me on facebook on her status, i wanna puke.....im really disgusted what shes becoming... Shes a child then..
Leandro Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 Depends on how long you're hung up on your ex for, it takes weeks or months for some people, rather than years. Oh yes. but I think years like 1 or 2 is a nice number to stick to NC and work on your life. If you're friends right away, it will be awkward and most probably wont last since the ex's new person wont want he/she hanging with you. IDK, just my .02.
gizbug Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 My feeling is no, won't be friends with ex after a breakup. The girl I am with, see's it differently. I guess we have different views on this. My view: How after a long period of time, can I look at that person as a friend when we shared something deep together? Her view: We can still be friends. I guess it's a toss up. I understand what people are saying about letting time pass though. I've let time pass, but never really had a desire to reconnect on a friendship level. I have enough close friends (not to sound conceded). The issue I sometimes try to get over is that my current gf still has her ex's on FB. Although they don't communicate much if at all (per wall posts)...it still is a bit odd that she has them on her friends list....and some pics of both them in it in her pictures. I don't know though, there is no history / pics / posts of any my ex's on my FB.
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