If consistent neglect...

[runforafall]

aIf consistent emotional neglect and sexual/emotional malnourishment were the reason the dumper make the break, can a sincere and heartfelt letter/apology from the dumpee, after a period of NC, lead to reconciliation?

 

I took my ex so completely and utterly for granted, I failed to listen to her when she told me issues she was having about us (even saying that was her problem, not mine), I chose to watch porn instead of make love to her, let her make all the effort and compromises in our relationship and I even disrespected her in several ways. Eventually she had enough and left, asked for some space so she could think rationally about things without the emotional turmoil of breakup influencing her, said she truely didn't know whether it was over forever but that I shouldn't hang around waiting (specifically pointing out she was not just trying to let me down softly), so I initiated NC asking her to not contact me unless she wanted reconciliation.

 

I'm gutted it has taken her dumping me for me to see everything so clearly and realise what a wonderful thing I had. I have so many regrets about the way I treated her. I was nice and loving on the surface, but underneath it all, in the most meaninful of ways, I was a pretty lousy boyfriend.

 

I'm thinking about giving her a couple of months space, but there are so many things I left unsaid. I told her in general terms I knew I hadn't made her feel special in the "right way," just like a functional companion, but I didn't really elaborate. I want her to know that I know and understand exactly where I failed and how sorry I am for the pain and hurt I believe I caused us. Is a letter a good idea? I want her to know what's in my head so she knows I am 100% committed to making the changes in my behaviour necessary for any romantic relationship to function. I want to ask her on a date. I want to tell her I know things can never go back to the way things were, but I'd like to see what would happen with the knowledge and hindsight I now have. I want her to know that her happiness means everything to me, and if letting her go forever to find someone else who can more readily offer what I failed to is how I show the extent of my love for her, that is what I will do.

Edited January 9, 2011 by runforafall

[2010_Sorry]

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her how you feel about the relationship and how you have reconized the mistakes that you have made in the past. It sounds that you may have already told her this, in general terms, but you have not clearly explained it. A letter is the best way to tell her, because an in-person conversation will open up emotions could very well send you down the path of begging, pleading etc. for another chance. This is NOT what you want to do at this point.

 

Once you send the letter, you need to never look back unless she reaches out to you. Do not accept "crumbs", do not accept friendship...

 

I'm sure this is a very painful experience for you. Just remember that this difficulties in our lives allow us to learn, and redirect ourselves... so we are stronger and healthier for our next relationships... either with our ex's or with new people.

[aerogurl87]

I think a reconcilliation is possible but I also think that although you may tell her that, if you do get back together it's going to take a ton of work. People don't forget the past easily, even once a significant period of NC has passed. It'll take alot of dedication and work to get things back to how they should've been in the first place with her.

[gurlboho1]

i'm new to this site, but not new to online forums or the ups & downs of relationships.

 

i totally agree with the fact that people do not forget the past easily. also, i always question why people take each other for granted especially of they don't like being taken for granted. do people not think that about karma? or do some people just take happiness for granted...?

[dreamingoftigers]

I'll tell you what, my H has done exactly what you describe.

 

I am leaving him today if he does not respect one of the small agreements that we made last week.

 

For the last 1.5 years he has made his problem my fault, shown some remorse but not much and only when asked, given me no disclosure, lied to five counselors and has avoided treatment. He has taken off on drinking benders twice this last year.

 

For all of the hate and resent and killing of my self-esteem and self-worth, I was willing to work through it if he could put the slightest effort into having a family unit with me and our daughter.

 

In order to show even basic trustworthiness last week we made 3 small agreements with one another.

 

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]1.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Do the check-ins for six weeks on Sunday before 6 pm. (This takes 3 minutes a week and is crucial for re-establishing trust with a sexual addict. He so far today has not done this, he has less than 3 hours, and honestly I will give some grace period. I do not think he will do it and then he will tell me that "he forgot.")[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]2.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Make S's food plan for 7 days starting Jan 5th, 2011. (This takes 10 minutes a day, he offered this as a way to show support for my weight-loss plan, I accepted this for one small thing that he was willing to give. It has been helpful and he has done this.)[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]3.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Go to bed with S between 10:30 pm and 11:00pm for one week starting Jan 4th, 2011. (He has not done this, infact he stayed up all night last night on the computer designing a website, we do have a site recording program on the computer).[/FONT][/sIZE]

The first item on the list was THE MOST IMPORTANT and that has been ade crystal clear to him. He has "forgotten" just about every week since he was supposed to have begun. It has been almost 1.5 years since he was told to do them. It is a deal-breaker, he is aware of this. He has put me through more misery then anyone I have ever known in my life and I let it happen on the hope that our daughter and family would be enough incentive for him to change. I know that he loves his daughter. He also refuses treatment etc. because he has an irrational fear of someone controlling him. He acts as though if treatment is a boundary for me, it is because I want to control him. I don't, I want a healthy family and I am not willing to live like this anymore.

 

It sounds like your girlfriend wasn't willing to live like that anymore despite how much she loved you. Doing what you have done puts her in a position to decide between having an unhealthy relationship with you or preserving what is left of her dignity after the person who is supposed to care for her the most treated her like a **** stain. It sounds like she made the right choice, my own mother did not and has stayed married to a miserable prick for over 30 years who abused his whole family and ended up cheating on her anyways.

 

That being said, my husband does not appear to care enough to take responsibility for a 3-minute check in once a week as a step to possibly restore our relationship. I am sick of my needs for safety/trust/security in my marriage being completely "forgotten." He is letting me know that I am not worth to him that 3 minutes a week that I would ask for to put myself at a little bit of ease.

 

In the future if he would realize what he has lost, I would want more then a letter detailing a committment to change.

 

How are you going to change? How have you changed? Have you addressed any of your issues? What does your timeline look like?

 

It is one thing to say that you are going to change, I have heard it literally thousands of times by now. It is completely another thing to say how you will change and follow-through with it and stick to it.

 

Write her the letter. If my husband woke up tomorrow morning and smartened the hell up, I would simply say that before we even considered getting back together I would need to see:

 

1. Weekly meetings for at least 30 days

2. Check-ins twice a week initiated by him in the proper format.

3. A planned date night per week.

4. One counseling session for him personally per month (we can't afford much).

5. For him to be tested for STDs and bring me proof of being clean.

6. Full disclosure.

 

We he could show me the beginning steps to these changes, I would still hang back until I was sure that I could be comfortable with moving home.

 

I would expect and hope that he would have expectations of me as well.

 

Unfortunately I do not expect that level of maturity from him and I think he will reactively blame me for everything. He will probably also lose his temper and break something.

 

If you want to get your girlfriend back start by expressing your feelings in detail, show remorse in detail, and then show her a small thing that you commit to doing for her regularly to show that you are trustworthy. Work on your own issues, especially the porn one during this time. Candeo is a good resource for this. You need to be able to manage yourself before you can manage a relationship with anyone else.

 

Can a trust-broken relationship be healed? Yes, but you will have to show all of your true grit and honesty, integrity AND face your own demons head-on.

 

If you don't do it for this relationship you will end up in another with the same of similar issues anyways. You might as well do it for yourself now instead of later.

[jenifer1972]

Sometimes love dies a 'quick death' by finding out about an unexpected affair, for example. Sometimes love dies by "slow strangulation", as in your situation. That is what happened in my first marriage.. he slowly strangled my love for him in sooo many ways. That death, I have to say, is a REMEMBERED DEATH, because the agony is slow... It will be a loooonng road back, my friend.

[Graceful]

If consistent emotional neglect and sexual/emotional malnourishment were the reason the dumper make the break, can a sincere and heartfelt letter/apology from the dumpee, after a period of NC, lead to reconciliation?

I took my ex so completely and utterly for granted, I failed to listen to her when she told me issues she was having about us (even saying that was her problem, not mine), I chose to watch porn instead of make love to her, let her make all the effort and compromises in our relationship and I even disrespected her in several ways. Eventually she had enough and left

I was nice and loving on the surface, but underneath it all, in the most meaninful of ways, I was a pretty lousy boyfriend.

Well, which is it? You're still not owning up to the fact you treated her poorly. In one paragraph you admit it, in another, you're saying you were nice?

 

Until and unless you hold yourself completely accountable for your behavior, then nothing you say is sincere. Your "surface" behavior was not enough, and if it was all you had to offer, then you were giving her crumbs, that is all.

 

You are reacting to being dumped and you regret taking your GF for granted. It's way too soon for me to believe you have done any work on yourself so that a change would be meaningful, and I would not trust you to go back to your old behavior once you got comfortable.

 

There were reasons you treated her poorly and took her for granted. You still do not know the reasons. Was it outright laziness? Do you really and truly want to be with her, or are you now just lonely? Are you reacting to being alone? Do you know how to get beyond "surface" behavior and treat someone respectfully and lovingly?

 

What would you change? What does that mean to you? An apology means nothing and would mean nothing to me, to be quite frank. She may be truly angry with you (and herself) for putting up with the treatment.

 

Feelings die when they are not nurtured. Love fades. Some people can forgive, but not forget. What is the compelling reason she should take you back and trust that you will change instead of going out and finding a guy that will treat her right from the start? Why would she want to recycle a relationship that did not work and that hurt her? I mean, what's the point of having to work through her hurt feelings twice for you?

 

Give me a list of five things right now that you would implement to change. Can you do that? Can you picture yourself giving her your undivided attention when she needs it? Can you picture yourself in the situations where you were disrespectful being respectful instead? I don't know what you were doing, but what would be the "opposite" approach and can you see yourself adhering to those changes, would that really happen? Would you feel that in your heart or are you just doing this b/c you are afraid of being alone?

 

Why didn't the relationship make you feel loving, and respectful, and helpful, and supportive in the first place? That's on you. Do you know?

 

Wait on the letter. Way too soon. You have to be able to explain to her why you treated her badly. And you don't even know. So find out. You're glossing over the root of your behavior. If you don't figure out why you treated someone you love in a way that drove her right out the door, then there is no reason for her to take you back. Of course, that's up to her.

[runforafall]

I really appreciate this insight.

 

Well, which is it? You're still not owning up to the fact you treated her poorly. In one paragraph you admit it, in another, you're saying you were nice?

 

I was never horrible to her. I was nice, I hugged her often, I kissed her, I went to some trouble to buy and make thoughtful gifts for her occasionally. I cooked her nice meals.

 

 

There were reasons you treated her poorly and took her for granted. You still do not know the reasons. Was it outright laziness? Do you really and truly want to be with her, or are you now just lonely?

 

It was downright selfishness and laziness. My porn habit. My reluctance to ever meet her friends because I couldn't be bothered. It was all about me and what I wanted. I chose where we went on vacation. I chose what things we did most of the time. She likes walking so much and asked me so many times to join her and I just couldn't be assed. What about that old adage "you never knew how good something was 'til it was gone"? Maybe it was something to do with the fact I have been treated absolutely apallingly by women before where it was all about the other woman and overcompensated.

 

 

What would you change? What does that mean to you? An apology means nothing and would mean nothing to me, to be quite frank. She may be truly angry with you (and herself) for putting up with the treatment.

 

She isnt angry with me, I think. In fact she said at the end I was a good boyfriend and that she felt guilty for having recurring doubts when she had it good in life.

 

Feelings die when they are not nurtured. Love fades. Some people can forgive, but not forget. What is the compelling reason she should take you back and trust that you will change instead of going out and finding a guy that will treat her right from the start? Why would she want to recycle a relationship that did not work and that hurt her? I mean, what's the point of having to work through her hurt feelings twice for you?

 

Because I believe we could make each other extremely happy in life? We just "get" each others little idiosyncracies without any need for explanation? It just feels so natural to be with her. Is that a good enough reason? I'd understand completely if she didn't want to take me back. I am willing to let her go if she believes someone else might make her happier in life.

 

 

Give me a list of five things right now that you would implement to change. Can you do that? Can you picture yourself giving her your undivided attention when she needs it? Can you picture yourself in the situations where you were disrespectful being respectful instead? I don't know what you were doing, but what would be the "opposite" approach and can you see yourself adhering to those changes, would that really happen?

 

1. I would delete all the porn (I didn't dislike sex with her by the way, quite the contrary, it was great when I wasnt running on empty and it made me feel like we had a deep connection)

2. I would do more things for her to show her how much I appreciate things she does for me.

3. I would listen to her when she says "don't do this I find it disrespectful when you know I don't like it " e.g. tickling her

4. I would make an attempt to be more romantic, by going on dates with her etc

5. I would compliment her more often to show her how beautiful she is to me (and she is, really).

 

 

Would you feel that in your heart or are you just doing this b/c you are afraid of being alone?

My heart tells me I want to be with her more than anyone else in the world.

 

Why didn't the relationship make you feel loving, and respectful, and helpful, and supportive in the first place? That's on you. Do you know?

 

Does there have to be a reason? Could it not just be that I let things slip because I got lazy and took her for granted? I was with her for 6x longer than anyone else in my life. It was the first time I had been with anyone for anything like a long time. Maybe I subconsciously assumed "she's been with me for this long, she wont leave, now I don't need to make any effort." I was always supportive of her by the way. Maybe I'm making myself out to be worse than I actually was.

Edited January 10, 2011 by runforafall

[2sunny]

the ONLY reason you have in getting reconnected with her is IF you only intend to make it look completely different than you did prior. in other words... have HER as your priority (not you). consider HER needs first.

 

action. it is all about action. DO things differently. IF you can't DO this for her - then you are essentially offering her nothing. nothing isn't enough when you give her empty words designed to be selfish.

 

so, only if you intend to change the man you are (or have been) do you offer her intimacy and a way to begin to connect again (or for the first time).

 

 

have you checked in to IF you stay disconnected to protect yourself? counseling could help if you may have that issue...

[runforafall]

the ONLY reason you have in getting reconnected with her is IF you only intend to make it look completely different than you did prior. in other words... have HER as your priority (not you). consider HER needs first.

 

action. it is all about action. DO things differently. IF you can't DO this for her - then you are essentially offering her nothing. nothing isn't enough when you give her empty words designed to be selfish.

 

so, only if you intend to change the man you are (or have been) do you offer her intimacy and a way to begin to connect again (or for the first time).

 

 

have you checked in to IF you stay disconnected to protect yourself? counseling could help if you may have that issue...

 

I know I can do things differently. I know I can give her what she needs. It has just taken this massive kick up the ass to show me that what I was doing before was wrong.

 

We were best friends y'know? I don't believe in "the one" like she does but I do know she is as damned close to that description as I can imagine. It's the romance side of things we let slip, or I let slip rather, more than anything else.

 

I regret so much not suggesting we go to couples counselling before.

[2sunny]

I know I can do things differently. I know I can give her what she needs. It has just taken this massive kick up the ass to show me that what I was doing before was wrong.

 

We were best friends y'know? I don't believe in "the one" like she does but I do know she is as damned close to that description as I can imagine. It's the romance side of things we let slip, or I let slip rather, more than anything else.

 

I regret so much not suggesting we go to couples counselling before.

 

when it becomes more about how and what you will do to make her happy - instead of YOU... then you may have a chance.

[andrew-bkk]

Does there have to be a reason? Could it not just be that I let things slip because I got lazy and took her for granted? I was with her for 6x longer than anyone else in my life. It was the first time I had been with anyone for anything like a long time. Maybe I subconsciously assumed "she's been with me for this long, she wont leave, now I don't need to make any effort." I was always supportive of her by the way. Maybe I'm making myself out to be worse than I actually was.

 

Sometimes it helps a lot to accept that you just weren't mutually compatible. Had the sex been great and had you found her intellectually stimulating, you would never have disrespected her and switched to porn.

 

Immediate post break-up feelings are often irrational. Sooner rather than later you will understand that the break-up was no one's fault.

 

Oh -- and no, don't send that letter.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sometimes it helps a lot to accept that you just weren't mutually compatible. Had the sex been great and had you found her intellectually stimulating, you would never have disrespected her and switched to porn.

 

Immediate post break-up feelings are often irrational. Sooner rather than later you will understand that the break-up was no one's fault.

 

Oh -- and no, don't send that letter.

 

Porn addiction is completely unrelated to relationship compatibility, it would have happened no matter who the addict was with.

[Graceful]

I really appreciate this insight.

Thank you. I appreciate your responses we well.

I was never horrible to her. I was nice, I hugged her often, I kissed her, I went to some trouble to buy and make thoughtful gifts for her occasionally. I cooked her nice meals.

 

It was downright selfishness and laziness. My porn habit. My reluctance to ever meet her friends because I couldn't be bothered. It was all about me and what I wanted. I chose where we went on vacation. I chose what things we did most of the time. She likes walking so much and asked me so many times to join her and I just couldn't be assed. What about that old adage "you never knew how good something was 'til it was gone"? Maybe it was something to do with the fact I have been treated absolutely apallingly by women before where it was all about the other woman and overcompensated.

Now you are getting some where. This is what I mean by turning over every stone to try to figure out why you got so lazy. You were treated poorly, resented it, and this time you may have unconsciously either expected your ex to start treating you the same way (but she didn't), so you put your defenses up by slacking off instead of trying harder. If you were pushed around in the past, then you may have unconsciously felt that when your ex asked you to step up and make a few changes, it "felt" the same as being pushed around. Just speculating.

 

She isnt angry with me, I think. In fact she said at the end I was a good boyfriend and that she felt guilty for having recurring doubts when she had it good in life.

Translation: I am not happy with you. You're a good person, and I am a good person, but you are not meeting my emotional needs, and it is causing me to doubt if we are right for each other.

 

I honestly think your GF tried for those 6 months since she told you things had to change. She tried to make things work, and she wanted them to work. There were still some positives along with the negatives.

 

At some point, she felt that the negatives outweighed the positives. This is where it is very difficult to leave a relationship. But she took a stand inside herself, and decided you were not meeting her emotional needs, were not trying, and she was unhappy. That's the bottom line.

 

1. I would delete all the porn (I didn't dislike sex with her by the way, quite the contrary, it was great when I wasnt running on empty and it made me feel like we had a deep connection)

2. I would do more things for her to show her how much I appreciate things she does for me.

3. I would listen to her when she says "don't do this I find it disrespectful when you know I don't like it " e.g. tickling her

4. I would make an attempt to be more romantic, by going on dates with her etc

5. I would compliment her more often to show her how beautiful she is to me (and she is, really).

Decent response. But it has to be right down to your GUT. You have to want to be 100 percent IN. There's this feeling I get when I am with someone I can tell is not 100 percent in the way I am. So if you cannot convey that through your actions, and she feels it, too, then there isn't much more you can do to make her feel it, if you know what I mean.

 

Does there have to be a reason? Could it not just be that I let things slip because I got lazy and took her for granted? I was with her for 6x longer than anyone else in my life. It was the first time I had been with anyone for anything like a long time. Maybe I subconsciously assumed "she's been with me for this long, she wont leave, now I don't need to make any effort." I was always supportive of her by the way. Maybe I'm making myself out to be worse than I actually was.

I don't know. Lack of experience on your part, definitely laziness and complacency and yes, taking it for granted she would not leave. Creating comfortable patterns that you think are the "norm" and that are ok for both partners. I get all that. It's the way lots of people operate.

 

Bottom line: I would not be able to diagnose this and you should not get back with her (if she gives you the option) without going to couples counseling. You have a case here that is impossible to improve upon without mediation so that you can fully understand the gap between what she needs, expects, and wants from you (or any partner) and you understanding how to provide it, if you indeed can.

 

You would perhaps come up with a list of attributes you need in a relationship. Then you each go off and put them in priority order. The same list of attributes could be ordered completely differently between you. This is very revealing in seeing why you were not compatible, and might help in seeing if you could be. Somehow, she did not feel supported in this relationship. She has to be able to articulate why, and convey what was missing. This is of course, if she wants to give it another try. But it is essential that you go see a CC, I have never seen a more clear cut case of a need for a CC than in your situation.

 

It is still too soon to contact her, IMHO. Continue exploring your own issues and see where that takes you. Take care.

[You Go Girl]

You're still in denial.

 

How do I know?

 

The porn would already be gone.

[runforafall]

Thank you. I appreciate your responses we well.

Now you are getting some where. This is what I mean by turning over every stone to try to figure out why you got so lazy. You were treated poorly, resented it, and this time you may have unconsciously either expected your ex to start treating you the same way (but she didn't), so you put your defenses up by slacking off instead of trying harder. If you were pushed around in the past, then you may have unconsciously felt that when your ex asked you to step up and make a few changes, it "felt" the same as being pushed around. Just speculating.

 

Nice bit of psychoanalysis, but I'm not sure how true it is.

 

I've been thinking about stuff all day, and think the problems actually first started when I moved past the "hot romance" stage into something else. I started to enjoy the routine, security, mutual trust and comfort that built up between us more than anything else. We were like two peas in a pod. We just "clicked" and got each other, warts and all. It was a deeper connection. She used to try so hard to make us go out on "hot romantic dates" and I just couldn't fake that those feelings of hot passion and infatuation were no longer there at that particular point. I felt guilty about it for quite a while and it made me feel a sense of self-loathing.

 

"I've got this amazing beautiful girl who has clearly got the major hots for me and cares for me deeply- but I just don't really feel this stuff anymore. What is wrong with me? Why am I such a failure?"

 

I think that made made me withdrawn and distant. The more she pushed for it, the more I pulled away.

 

That's not an excuse for the sexual neglect, for never telling her how much she meant to me, for never grasping her hand and telling her how beautiful she was, or for the taking her for granted, I know.

 

If she and I wanted and felt different things at different points then I guess we were just not meant to be. That's OK. I don't resent that as a 23 year-old she wanted those feelings of exciting romance to last for longer. Is it normal to reach the point I did after just a couple of years and at such a young age? I'm only 26, but it makes me sound like an middle-aged married man.

 

Anyway, she was the best thing that ever happened to me, so I need to give her an apology and explanation at least, and that's what I'll do, without any selfish ulterior motive of winning her back. If my feelings towards her are not something that would make her happy, she deserves the chance to find someone else who can provide what she needs. She asked for "time and space" to "thoroughly think about things" so how long should I give it before I write her the letter? I don't wanna do it too soon and not respect the space she has asked for, but I don't wanna do it too late when it seems out of place and inappropriate either.

Edited January 12, 2011 by runforafall

[ALonerAgain]

 

"I've got this amazing beautiful girl who has clearly got the major hots for me and cares for me deeply- but I just don't really feel this stuff anymore. What is wrong with me? Why am I such a failure?"

 

I think that made made me withdrawn and distant. The more she pushed for it, the more I pulled away.

 

That's not an excuse for the sexual neglect, for never telling her how much she meant to me, for never grasping her hand and telling her how beautiful she was, or for the taking her for granted, I know.

 

If she and I wanted and felt different things at different points then I guess we were just not meant to be. That's OK. I don't resent that as a 23 year-old she wanted those feelings of exciting romance to last for longer. Is it normal to reach the point I did after just a couple of years and at such a young age? I'm only 26, but it makes me sound like an middle-aged married man.

 

Anyway, she was the best thing that ever happened to me, so I need to give her an apology and explanation at least, and that's what I'll do, without any selfish ulterior motive of winning her back. If my feelings towards her are not something that would make her happy, she deserves the chance to find someone else who can provide what she needs. She asked for "time and space" to "thoroughly think about things" so how long should I give it before I write her the letter? I don't wanna do it too soon and not respect the space she has asked for, but I don't wanna do it too late when it seems out of place and inappropriate either.

 

I really hear you there, and as a lady going through what you're going through, I thought I might add what I've learned about myself through a similar situation.

 

I was in a relationship similar to yours in that I was the one who took my ex-b/f for granted. He would always take my needs into consideraration: buy me gifts, remember 'special dates' and general take good care of me.

 

I got complacent because I was happily getting my needs met but not his. Although he did express his dissatisfaction with me (albeit through angry texts, never to my face). Since he broke up with me last year and found someone else, the split has been a wake-up call to how much my behaviour affected him as well as myself. Since then I've asked myself why I was so oblivious to it all? Why did I ignore my ex's expressions of dissatisfaction? Admittedly, it was because I didn't believe that I had much to offer him, as he was so good at care-taking, it covered up my insecurities.

 

You say that you had previous relationships where your exes messed you around and now for some reason you went the other way with your ex? Sounds like deep down, you don't feel you deserved to be truly loved. You mention having 'over compensated' previously which may have unconsciously, as Graceful has commented, triggered you to behave negatively. If this is accurate, then I can see the same thing happening with my ex, as his past experiences sound like yours.

 

Trust me, I'm in the same boat, even down to the porn addiction (yes, I'm a woman). I've already identified that I have an addictive personality and that, together with the fear of not being good enough, is strongly linked to feelings of worthlessness and depression. I'm not saying that it's exactly the same for you, but this is often the case.

 

Like you, I've toyed with the idea of contacting the ex to apologise, tell him what I've learnt about myself, etc. even though I've accepted that it's over and I don't even want him back. I still hate the position I've been left in, but I believe that he was 'sent' to teach me about myself. I told him not to contact me and so far he's stuck to it. It's been almost a year and it still hurts, but I know if I broke NC, it would hurt even more.

 

In your case, I think you need to concentrate on getting to the root of your issues: no good trying to stick a plaster over it by telling her how things will be different in future, because the damage has already been done and change usually doesn't happen overnight. Yes, it's good that you are 'awake' now to what has happened. but I would stay away until you've COMPLETELY healed - and that means NC. You are making a good start in trying to find out why you did what you did (or didn't do, as is the case). The next thing you have to do is to learn how to forgive yourself, by loving yourself. That's where you could write the letter, but DON'T SEND IT. Eventually, you'll become a 'new' person and you'll be able to think of the break-up as a time for growth, rather than a complete loss.

 

Good luck!

 

PS. 1 other thought, no I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with being more comfortable in the post-honeymoon relationship stage. After a couple of years, that's quite reasonable! Seriously, the words you've used: "guilty' and 'self-loathing' to describe this feeling are actually quite strong, which implies to me that you may have some deep-seated feelings of inadequacy? You mention also that the "more she pushed, the more you became withdrawn". Sounds like your insecurites were feeding her insecurities (hence why she initially made it 'her' problem, rather than blame you). Perhaps her wanting to be romantic all the time was her way of avoiding relaity and her own fears? Just a suggestion...

 

I believe this is what happens when 2 (essentially) insecure people get together, but that could just be me.

Edited January 24, 2011 by ALonerAgain