Jen1981 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I've been through the worst months of my life. My boyfriends of 10 years suddenly broke up with me in an e-mail and pretty much disappeared out of my life. It was very traumatic and very confusing and my whole life fell apart! I'd also had an EXTREMLY stressful year at work (memory-loss, social anxiety, could fall asleep while having dinner at friends and much more). The break-up caused me to break apart and I had to take a long leave from work (it's been a little over 2 months). Luckily my parents made me move home to them for a while and I've been there for almost 2 months. It's been good but now I'm back in "our" apartment and I just feel so utterly lost. The doctors have put me on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills and sleep-meds....but I don't really have a support-system here since my family lives 7 hours away and I hardly have any friends (the ones that I do have are mutual and I can't meet them without breaking into tears). I've been on the anti-depressants for 5 days now and have been in theraphy twice a week for the past month. I'm really hoping the AD's will help because i really see no way out of my misery. I have noticed I'm less prone to checking my ex Facebook the past 24 hours but apart from that I haven't noticed any change. I don't have any energy to do anything, I cry all the time, I feel anxious to go outside and I feel like people are watching my every move. I've also had a mild eating-disorder for a few years that has picked up and I now weigh around 95 lbs. I feel like I'm the lonliest person in the world and I wish I could get hit by a car or something so I didn't have to go through this. The pain is mind-numbing and I go through questions in my head all the time. It really feels like I'm going crazy because I don't know what really happened. My ex has written a few e-mails and says he is sad and upset too but doesn't treat me with any concern. He seems to have a very easy time moving on (despite what he says) and I feel that's even adding to my pain and confusion. He still hasn't given me any real explanation to why he left....I know we did have some problems but we've been best friends for 10 years and I believed he'd at least give me the possibility of a conversation and be concerned for my health. It feels like I have no future at all. I'm 29, hardly have any friends and everything is just such a blur. Sometimes I think relocating or going travelling might be the solution. I can't stand being here knowing he's just turned into a stranger and having noone around me to talk to! I really thought he'd be a little concerned once in a while, maybe give me a call but it seems he doesn't care at all.
Sevenscars Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I know it's not much to say this but I'm sorry you're going through this. All of us here have been through what you're going through in one form or another, but 10 years is a long time...and it even upsets me that he wouldn't give you the decency of a conversation, rather break up over email. That's so low and disrespectful. I hate to break it to you but if he broke up with you like that, he must have checked out of the relationship a while before that email. Dumpers often do that, leave emotionally before they leave physically. It's unfair but that's what happens. And that is why he gives off the sense of not really caring. I can't say he does or doesn't, but often times they've just moved on before you've had a chance to get over them. So right now, he is not important! Just remember that, he does not matter anymore! There's nothing you can do to change this, you have to learn to live with it. Its really good to hear that you're starting to gain strength, even by refraining from checking his facebook. That's definitely step 1. Block him if you must. In fact, you must. The best thing to do for YOU is to delete everything: phone number, email, facebook, whatever. Cut him out of your life, and get rid of all your stuff. This will help you heal, and getting rid of everything that reminds you of him will give you some closure. You MUST go No Contact! The more you talk to this Dbag, the more you will hurt, so your silence does nothing but help YOU mend your heart. That's who you need to concentrate on now: you. If the anti-depressants are helping you then that's great, but optimally you want to get to a point where you don't need them, where you can feel happy just being yourself. It's hard, I know, but that's what you should be aiming for. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is pickup something new, whether it be a new job, hobby, class, or whatever. As long as it is positive and not something like drugs or alcohol. This will help distract you, so you're not led to self-destructive thought loops (like I was for so long, till I realized it got me nowhere!) and may even help you make new friends. You may not see it from where you are but I can. This is an exciting time in your life. You get a chance to start fresh, to work on yourself, to make new and long-lasting friendships with people who will care about you. These relationships will come with time, you will meet someone who will make you feel great about yourself (whether a friend or a boyfriend) and it might take a long time, but you will get over this. The most important thing, and I can't reiterate this enough, is to stop talking to him! Not even one letter! Do not email him or check his facebook or call or text, do not reply to any of his attempts to contact you, completely sever the cord that connects you to. Who cares about what it does to him, he does not deserve you nor your friendship or even any time of your day. It will make you sad, it will make you miss him, and there will be times that you'll be weak and want to talk to him. DON'T. The best way to heal your broken heart is to cut him out so you can work on yourself. Don't let him get the best of you when he doesn't even matter anymore. If you don't believe me, check the forums for how many people start threads saying "I broke No Contact...and I regret it" and how many people say "I kept No Contact...now I'm better." This guy is not your friend. No one treats a friend like that. With time you'll find something better. Keep us posted and know that if you want to vent, even if it's a 10-page threat with nothing but "I hate him, I hate him" we'll still read it and be here for you. So for now, go out and concentrate on yourself. Get in the gym, or start yoga, do something to increase your self-confidence and control. Start new, this is the best thing for you, and don't forget to take command of your life. You're the one living it, and trust me, it gets so much better with time.
D78 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Jen1981, Although I am in a similar situation as you, I know all that Sevenscars said is great advice. I didn't have an eating problem before, but after the break up I couldn't eat. It was like a chore. I know that this does not compare to having a mild eating disorder for years, but I thought I would just add that you could take baby steps with me. I was dumped after 11 years, on Nov 14, 2010, and yesterday was the first day I ate more than once. I know, it's dumb, but it was an accomplishment for me. I ate twice today. Maybe tomorrow you could force yourself to eat twice? It is hard for me. I can't imagine how hard it is for someone who has dealt with a mild eating disorder for years... and I feel like I just told an alcoholic to only drink one beer tomorrow... You won't be able to rationally process these thoughts without food and sleep. Your parents, although they are now 7 hours away, are immediately available to you by phone or email. Your apartment, although it contains so many memories, can be transformed into an entirely different place. You are receiving medical care, and hopefully the AD will help you get out of this hole your ex has put you in. Don't be afraid to take advantage of the great support system you have. And, after 10 years, to dump someone via email is seriously shi^^y. My ex wouldn't look at me and gave BS reasons until I asked him to say he wanted to break up. I can't even imagine the world of #&%* I would be in if I had been dumped via email. I know you're looking for answers and feel like your life is falling apart. All I can say is that you're probably not going to find answers from your inconsiderate ex. And, your life has fallen apart, but like Sevenscars said, you now have a chance to put it together (or, even better, make a new one). People genuinely want to help you, and they will enjoy seeing you progress through this unexpected change in your life. You could go to meetup.com or a similar site and find a support group for people with eating disorders. Or, find a group that you thought you weren't interested in (break dancing, tai chi, singing...). I did this, and it turns out I wasn't interested in the group, but it was nice to be in a restaurant mingling with other people... And everyone was nice. No one knew that I was a dumpee. It was like a re-entry into life. No one is watching what you do. If they are, they are crazy so f them
HeavenOrHell Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 So sorry to hear you are going through this hun, hopefully I can give you some hope...my ex left me 18 months ago after 18 years, I was in a deep depression for 6 or 7 months, crying all the time, continuously going through every horrible emotion, round and round in circles, I felt I was going mad at times, sometimes I would bang my head against the wall as I did not know how to deal with the pain, I didn't want to be here anymore, to have to go through the pain with no end of it in sight. I didn't have much support except phone support from 2 people, other friends seemed to get fed up pretty quickly. My whole life fell apart when he left, even my work as I'd given it up to a big extent to try and save our r/ship (he'd felt neglected the last few years as I was so busy). I felt so horrible alone and so scared. I tried to keep as busy as possible even though it was hard to even get up each day, I used to make myself go out. I also have social anxiety, so I know how hard that can be too. People say time heals, but it's not the time, it's what you do with it, I was so fed up with feeling that way and not moving on at all, and I realised that no-one could change it but me, I could stay in that pit forever OR I could say sod this, no-one is going to cause me to feel like this. I saw a Relate counsellor, which really helped, kept as busy as possible and started to make more friends IRL and online. Me and my ex were still meeting as friends and I had to finally stop seeing him as it was holding me back, it got to the point it was more painful to see him than to not see him as he fancied an old friend of mine, so I walked away at that point, after a few weeks NC I had moved on massively, after that I was able to be friends with him, we're close friends now. I think the fact you aren't seeing your ex will help you move forward. 7 months after we broke up I started talking to a lovely person online and he was in the same boat, we got closer bit by bit, shared our sorrows, we met a few months later and became a couple. If you were to look back on some of my posts you would see how bad I felt after my ex left and how I said I would never meet someone special after losing the love of my life, well I was wrong, I did meet someone special again. We are in a long distance r/ship which gives me space to rebuild my life again. For 6 or 7 months after my ex left the thought of being with anyone else repulsed me. I asked for my first ever thread to be deleted in the end as I felt embarassed by it as I'd felt so bad and self pitying So, things can turn around totally. Not that a new partner is always the answer, but just wanted you to know things can totally turn around and you can be happy again. Try to focus on making new friends and rebuilding your independence and doing things which make you happy. I'm rebuilding my independence again, sorting work out and making new friends, I don't want a man to be the main focus in my life, my ex wasn't-although I took that to the extreme as he felt I didn't love or need him the last few years, I want my partner to feel loved and needed, but also need to focus on work and friends and my hobbies. Your ex probably isn't finding it easy, my ex certainly didn't find our break up easy, I think some men can sometimes find it easier to switch emotions off as it's easier to cope that way, so can dumpers too. I do feel your ex should give you an explanation as to why he left, otherwise you will be left wondering, and that is pretty cruel, even if you don't like the answer you would still want to know I imagine? Could you send a non pressuring e-mail and say it would really help you to know, and that you won't have a go at him for it, but you would like the truth? I still live in our house, which was really tough for a while, but it's ok now and I'm glad I didn't make any hasty decisions to move. I made it more into my house than ours, made some changes. Bear in mind AD's can take a while to work (I think Prozac took 6 weeks to work for me a few years ago). Keep up with the therapy. I deleted my ex from fb when I went NC, could you do the same? Be kind to yourself and patient with yourself, you will get there I promise you, seriously if I can do it anyone can. Travelling might be a good idea, let things settle first though, please don't make any hasty decisions about moving while you are feeling like this. Your ex might not call you as it's not easy for him to feel he has caused you pain, my ex found my pain very hard to deal with as he felt guilty about causing pain to someone he cares/d about. Keep us posted please. Also feel free to PM me. You WILL get through this, I am proof of that, not that every day is easy but I have come a LONG way from how I was. (((((hugs))))) I've been through the worst months of my life. My boyfriends of 10 years suddenly broke up with me in an e-mail and pretty much disappeared out of my life. It was very traumatic and very confusing and my whole life fell apart! I'd also had an EXTREMLY stressful year at work (memory-loss, social anxiety, could fall asleep while having dinner at friends and much more). The break-up caused me to break apart and I had to take a long leave from work (it's been a little over 2 months). Luckily my parents made me move home to them for a while and I've been there for almost 2 months. It's been good but now I'm back in "our" apartment and I just feel so utterly lost. The doctors have put me on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety pills and sleep-meds....but I don't really have a support-system here since my family lives 7 hours away and I hardly have any friends (the ones that I do have are mutual and I can't meet them without breaking into tears). I've been on the anti-depressants for 5 days now and have been in theraphy twice a week for the past month. I'm really hoping the AD's will help because i really see no way out of my misery. I have noticed I'm less prone to checking my ex Facebook the past 24 hours but apart from that I haven't noticed any change. I don't have any energy to do anything, I cry all the time, I feel anxious to go outside and I feel like people are watching my every move. I've also had a mild eating-disorder for a few years that has picked up and I now weigh around 95 lbs. I feel like I'm the lonliest person in the world and I wish I could get hit by a car or something so I didn't have to go through this. The pain is mind-numbing and I go through questions in my head all the time. It really feels like I'm going crazy because I don't know what really happened. My ex has written a few e-mails and says he is sad and upset too but doesn't treat me with any concern. He seems to have a very easy time moving on (despite what he says) and I feel that's even adding to my pain and confusion. He still hasn't given me any real explanation to why he left....I know we did have some problems but we've been best friends for 10 years and I believed he'd at least give me the possibility of a conversation and be concerned for my health. It feels like I have no future at all. I'm 29, hardly have any friends and everything is just such a blur. Sometimes I think relocating or going travelling might be the solution. I can't stand being here knowing he's just turned into a stranger and having noone around me to talk to! I really thought he'd be a little concerned once in a while, maybe give me a call but it seems he doesn't care at all.
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