Is moving to NY ultimately a choice of career over family for a shy woman?

January 9, 2011

With graduation imminent, I'm obviously thinking about my future.

Here are my main, and really my only, life priorities in order:

1) career

2) husband/bf/family

Money doesn't matter to me, never has, except that I have enough to live modestly. I have no desire to get married right now, because I need to get my sht together, but I would like to marry eventually, possibly in a few years at least. I don't know about kids. I never really liked them, but I might change my mind and decide I want a family in the future.

I feel unsure about my ability to find a mate in addition to career. Basically I need to live in NY to be successful in my field, which is fine since I love NY. (LA is of course another option, but it's ultimately worse for the kind of work I want to do, I have no connections there and the culture would make me miserable.)

Only problem is I gather dating in NY sucks. After reading up on the scene, and hearing stories from friends, it's clear that my chances of finding a long term mate aren't good. I also don't feel great about the committment-less mentality that prevails, or the type of guys who NY draws.

I'm not great with first impressions, and even social butterflies there have trouble pinning down guys. It's a flashy city where people are superficial, and most of my best personality traits are sub-surface. I am much more confident in my ability to be successful career-wise, because there at least I feel I have something unique to offer that isn't about the superficial.

This is my main source of anxiety about moving to NY. What's a good solution? Look for a long distance relationship with a guy who lives elsewhere? Change my social style as much as possible? I was thinking I could try to build a career in NY and then maybe move elsewhere in my early thirties once I've established myself, made some income and connections. But I don't know how realistic that is.

Maybe some NYers could offer me creative solutions to this problem.

Edited January 9, 2011 by northern_sky

January 9, 2011

This is my main source of anxiety about moving to NY. What's a good solution? Look for a long distance relationship with a guy who lives elsewhere? Change my social style as much as possible? I was thinking I could try to build a career in NY and then maybe move elsewhere in my early thirties once I've established myself, made some income and connections. But I don't know how realistic that is.

Not a NYer; don't even know about the place, but I think the alternatives you're listing here are all plausible.

January 9, 2011

Try moving to New York and then looking for a guy outside of the Manhattan yuppie area. The New York that most outsiders know is only scratching the surface. Once you get your career established you can also trying moving out to Long Island or NJ.

January 9, 2011

Hey

sounds like you are doing some good thinking about your options and they make sense. I am guessing if you do online dating, you dip into other areas outside of the city, it might help. I do hear dating in NY is hard. I was born there but never spent much time there.

I think if you put yourself out there, you will find some cool options, it's a big city, and an even bigger state, so I am hoping there would be some cool options.

Also, when you move, you will be meeting new people through job connections, where you live, and whatever your hobbies are, so you just bump into someone cool, especially being new to the city, you have fresh eyes, and have impetus to want to get out and hang out.

Think it is good to have some sort of plan, and then also be open to life and what it presents when you get there!

January 9, 2011

I think if you have an opportunity to ever live in NYC you would be fool to pass that up. The growth you will obtain living there will far surpass any dbag BF you meet for the sake of meeting someone. I'd bet on meeting someone there. Why limit yourself by not going?

January 9, 2011

I think it's perfectly normal and healthy for people graduating from college to make their career a priority over their love life.

It sounds to me like you are pre-judging New York without even living there. NYC is swarming with young, single people. It sounds to me like you're already trying to sabotage yourself.

January 9, 2011

heyyyyy i live in NY

tons of amazing single people out here.

January 9, 2011

Try moving to New York and then looking for a guy outside of the Manhattan yuppie area. The New York that most outsiders know is only scratching the surface. Once you get your career established you can also trying moving out to Long Island or NJ.

or westchester. lots of awesome towns there

January 9, 2011

With graduation imminent, I'm obviously thinking about my future.

Here are my main, and really my only, life priorities in order:

1) career
2) husband/bf/family

Money doesn't matter to me, never has, except that I have enough to live modestly. I have no desire to get married right now, because I need to get my sht together, but I would like to marry eventually, possibly in a few years at least. I don't know about kids. I never really liked them, but I might change my mind and decide I want a family in the future.

I feel unsure about my ability to find a mate in addition to career. Basically I need to live in NY to be successful in my field, which is fine since I love NY. (LA is of course another option, but it's ultimately worse for the kind of work I want to do, I have no connections there and the culture would make me miserable.)

Only problem is I gather dating in NY sucks. After reading up on the scene, and hearing stories from friends, it's clear that my chances of finding a long term mate aren't good. I also don't feel great about the committment-less mentality that prevails, or the type of guys who NY draws.

I'm not great with first impressions, and even social butterflies there have trouble pinning down guys. It's a flashy city where people are superficial, and most of my best personality traits are sub-surface. I am much more confident in my ability to be successful career-wise, because there at least I feel I have something unique to offer that isn't about the superficial.

This is my main source of anxiety about moving to NY. What's a good solution? Look for a long distance relationship with a guy who lives elsewhere? Change my social style as much as possible? I was thinking I could try to build a career in NY and then maybe move elsewhere in my early thirties once I've established myself, made some income and connections. But I don't know how realistic that is.

Maybe some NYers could offer me creative solutions to this problem.

You have a very narrow vision of the NYC dating scene. Yes, there are lots of people who are players, and yes, the dating scene is extremely competitive, but there are just as many people that are looking for the same thing you are. There are plenty of activities you can participate in that will help you find your SO, you just have to be willing to experiment a bit.

You might see the seedier side of NYC in the club scene, but you can do things like dinner parties, art shows, museum exhibits, etc. etc. etc. PLENTY of opportunities out here.

January 9, 2011

I think you should pursue your career full steam. Disregard your #2 for a few years.

Your career choice is film, yes?

Do you want to be a member of a film crew? Do you want to pursue writing for film?

I don't know much about the latter, but a lot about the former.

Either choice requires a huge effort. Much of that effort is social. Meeting people, talking to and learning about people, watching films, thinking about films, talking about films.

If your underlying goal for all of this is to create a career, you relieve much of the pressure about how people see you.

Also this can be fun. You don't have to use people, and you can make genuine human connections with all kinds of people based on your shared desire to make films.

Does it seem like starting a big adventure? It should.

January 9, 2011

I live in Chicago. My dating life has never been dryer than it is here, but I am doing better in my career and earning more money than ever before.

The city is full of yuppie, materialistic, crowd-following people who don't seem to think for themselves at all. There are like 5 Chicago guy outfits and 5 Chicago girl outfits that people wear. They all carry the same type of bags, 90% of them wear North Face coats and jackets, and the women are pretty much wearing the same 10 pairs of boots.

Now, when I go visit my friends in Austin, all these gorgeous, unique, free-thinking men are checking me out and shooting me huge grins left and right, everywhere I go. When I was visiting my parents for a few days in their little Texas town, I got asked out by a fine specimen of a man, and went out with him next time I was home. I've lived in about 7 different cities and 3 countries, and I never had a shortage of interested men anywhere else.

Here, a guy as good-looking as the Texas guy would almost certainly have traded in his free mind for the Chicago Ken doll costume and membership card long ago. And he might peel his eyes from his iPhone long enough to glance a few times, but that's about as far as it goes.

So yes, be aware that big city dynamics are different. And if, like me, you care to nurture your interior qualities more than the exterior, you might find metro men a bit unwelcoming.

January 9, 2011

i live in chicago. My dating life has never been dryer than it is here, but i am doing better in my career and earning more money than ever before.

The city is full of yuppie, materialistic, crowd-following people who don't seem to think for themselves at all. There are like 5 chicago guy outfits and 5 chicago girl outfits that people wear. They all carry the same type of bags, 90% of them wear north face coats and jackets, and the women are pretty much wearing the same 10 pairs of boots.

Now, when i go visit my friends in austin, all these gorgeous, unique, free-thinking men are checking me out and shooting me huge grins left and right, everywhere i go. When i was visiting my parents for a few days in their little texas town, i got asked out by a fine specimen of a man, and went out with him next time i was home. I've lived in about 7 different cities and 3 countries, and i never had a shortage of interested men anywhere else.

Here, a guy as good-looking as the texas guy would almost certainly have traded in his free mind for the chicago ken doll costume and membership card long ago. And he might peel his eyes from his iphone long enough to glance a few times, but that's about as far as it goes.

So yes, be aware that big city dynamics are different. And if, like me, you care to nurture your interior qualities more than the exterior, you might find metro men a bit unwelcoming.

we are not all the same

arg

January 9, 2011

I'm with Ruby. I've been to Chicago and Austin both, give me Austin anyday.

I've lived in both and I think Austinites are the most annoying breed I've ever met. The "individuality" is only skin-deep. It's a town full of overly-optimistic, talentless aspiring musicians, uniformly judgmental of anyone with a different agenda than working as little as possible.

On the other hand Ihave found Chicago to be genuinely diverse and accepting, a big city tempered by Midwestern values. I doubt it's anything like NYC tho.

January 9, 2011

I've lived in both and I think Austinites are the most annoying breed I've ever met. The "individuality" is only skin-deep. It's a town full of overly-optimistic, talentless aspiring musicians, uniformly judgmental of anyone with a different agenda than working as little as possible.

On the other hand Ihave found Chicago to be genuinely diverse and accepting, a big city tempered by Midwestern values. I doubt it's anything like NYC tho.

And this post just shows that cities hit different people differently. I felt very at home in Austin and had a vibrant, caring, fun circle of musician and artist friends there. (One of those musicians e-mailed me last summer when he was on tour across the US, asking if I wanted to perform with him in his Midwest shows. I had to decline, as I'm rusty and not spending much time on music these days. He was an overly optimistic, well-paid civil engineer who quit his comfortable job to do music full time, and still does it happily years later. That sure takes some talent. And he worked his butt off for it.)

Of course, I might have agreed with some of eerie's comments on a bad day. I love the city of Chicago in general -- but the romance/men department is one that I find difficult.

If you want to really know what it's like to live in NY, you're gonna have to live there and see for yourself. Maybe it will be paradise for you. Maybe it will be hell. Only you can know.

January 9, 2011

Is Chicago really that bad. NYC certainly has spots like that but it also has spots where you can meet a ton of interesting people so you have options. Slowly but surely though NY is becoming more and more yuppie which makes me feel I got out of there at just the right time.

January 10, 2011

Is Chicago really that bad. NYC certainly has spots like that but it also has spots where you can meet a ton of interesting people so you have options. Slowly but surely though NY is becoming more and more yuppie which makes me feel I got out of there at just the right time.

Yeah, I'm sure there are cool guys here. I think they are just harder to find. In a place like Austin (and most other cities I have lived), people just seem to be less brainwashed and conformist, more free thinking, in general. Your average person, IMO, is more interesting. Here, your average city dweller is a white bread, iPhone-carrying, keeping up with the Joneses type. (Of course, being in the city, we are bombarded with the world's best advertising at every turn, so risk of brainwashing is greater.)

I like to go to places a little outside the mainstream, like jazz clubs, weird music shows, ethnic restaurants. In other cities, those places draw the kind of element I like. Here, even they are crawling with yuppie boys with gel in their hair and North Face jackets.

I guess I'm going to have to go REALLY far out to find the kind of guys I like.

January 10, 2011

Yeah, I'm sure there are cool guys here. I think they are just harder to find. In a place like Austin (and most other cities I have lived), people just seem to be less brainwashed and conformist, more free thinking, in general. Your average person, IMO, is more interesting. Here, your average city dweller is a white bread, iPhone-carrying, keeping up with the Joneses type. (Of course, being in the city, we are bombarded with the world's best advertising at every turn, so risk of brainwashing is greater.)

I like to go to places a little outside the mainstream, like jazz clubs, weird music shows, ethnic restaurants. In other cities, those places draw the kind of element I like. Here, even they are crawling with yuppie boys with gel in their hair and North Face jackets.

I guess I'm going to have to go REALLY far out to find the kind of guys I like.

Do you live in a yuppie neighborhood? I agree that many places in Chicago are teeming with dbags, but that's not so in my little corner.

January 10, 2011

It's funny how big cities are supposed to be forward thinking liberal places but in reality these days in many cases they are filled with conformist yuppies while the small towns are actually getting better. Gentrification is killing many once cool places.

January 10, 2011

Shadow/Sky, a week ago you said you had "no reason to go on" and scared many of us into thinking you might do something harmful to yourself. So, at this point, I think it would be a good idea to put your husband search on hold and focus on developing who YOU are and building a strong self-esteem. Given your upcoming graduation and pending move, I'd put that far at the top of your priority list, and dating wayyyy on the bottom, if it's on the list at all.

January 10, 2011

Do you live in a yuppie neighborhood? I agree that many places in Chicago are teeming with dbags, but that's not so in my little corner.

Not at all. I live in a 95% Latino neighborhood that is safe and relatively clean, but not whitewashed and gentrified. I have been hit on by the guy who used to be my next-door neighbor, and recently, my new front neighbor. Side neighbor was an alcoholic, the front neighbor is married but separated, so I have zero interest in either of them.

I think the problem is that I am working so much, I am spending a lot of time in the professional world, which while full of opportunity to make money, is also full of mainstream, crowd-following people.

I'm sure it would be different if I were in art school here!

Sorry, didn't mean to TJ -- struck a nerve, I guess.

January 10, 2011

Not at all. I live in a 95% Latino neighborhood that is safe and relatively clean, but not whitewashed and gentrified. I have been hit on by the guy who used to be my next-door neighbor, and recently, my new front neighbor. Side neighbor was an alcoholic, the front neighbor is married but separated, so I have zero interest in either of them.

I think the problem is that I am working so much, I am spending a lot of time in the professional world, which while full of opportunity to make money, is also full of mainstream, crowd-following people.

I'm sure it would be different if I were in art school here!

Sorry, didn't mean to TJ -- struck a nerve, I guess.

counter-culture people tend to be equally conformist, they just wear a different uniform. Better to find people who do not fit an easily recognizable type, as they'll be more independent-minded.

January 10, 2011

NS, I am happy to see that you have bounced back so quickly and are planning ahead. I think this is important and shows maturity, rather then blindly doing things based on impulse.

As for NYC dating scene, I have researched it and as I said before there is about 5:1 ratio of single men to single women in 20-40 age group. Stats speak for themselves. I am thinking of moving there in 2012 as I have a tempting job offer - but those stats are putting me off.

Having said all that, much of finding love is due to luck. Sure, your odds are lower but still not impossible

You have a few years to spare before seriously thinking of settling down. I think that you should attempt to focus on your career including moving to NYC. If you find dating scene impossible - you can always move somewhere else in your early 30's - or earlier if you really hate it there.

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Is moving to NY ultimately a choice of career over family for a shy woman?

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