lovingit Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I have been married for 16 years and having an affair with my husband's friend for 14 years. My husband's friend was single when our affair started but is currently on his third wife. Until recently things have always been great. I care deeply about my husband's friend and the sex is great! Recently though my feelings have been changing. I don't think I love his friend but he is on my mind constantly. Well I do love him but not in a want to be with him and only him kind of way. I know we could never live together. He'd drive me nuts! But now I wonder what he is doing and am jealous of the time he spends with his wife! How can this be happening after 14 years of happy affair. I guess my favourite times were always when he was single between marriages as I was the only woman in his life but that is a completey unfair thing to want! I don't even know why i'm posting this here. I guess it's nice to get it out as no-one has ever known about us so I can't talk to anyone. I can't imagine ending things after so long but for the first time I feel like he is manipulating me to keep me around. Saying all the crap he knows I like to here. Maybe this thing has run it's course. It'll be hard to make a clean break though as he comes over here twice a week and stays over once a week. And before anyone lecturer me and tells me to leave my husband that's not going to happen. I love him to bits and want to grow old and grey with him.
Got it Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Wow. Umm, have you thought about therapy to figure out why you feel the need for dual relationships since both have been going on for approximately the same amount of time? Or seeing if you husband would be willing to do an open marriage? I don't know what to say, I think therapy to figure out why you would be jealous that he would spend time with his wife when you have a husband to spend time with. Sorry, I have been a MOW but that is quite a bit of cake eating for me.
whattodonow12 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Please start thinking about your husband. How do you think this will make him feel? If you want to grow old and gray with your husband, please get some therapy and figure out what you need to do be faithful to him. Obviously, you didn't agree when you married him to continue an ongoing relationship with his friend for so many years. Think about how much hurt this will cause him.
xxoo Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I agree with pp that self-examination and therapy is in order. Find out why you need two men devoted only to you, at the expense of each. Find out why you continually behave in ways that will devastate your H (and likely lead to him despising you), if you love him and want to grow old with him. Is this really who you want to be?
woinlove Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I agree with pp that self-examination and therapy is in order. Find out why you need two men devoted only to you, at the expense of each. Find out why you continually behave in ways that will devastate your H (and likely lead to him despising you), if you love him and want to grow old with him. Is this really who you want to be? Exactly! It is not so much people judging you, lovingit, as people wondering why you do not want to be someone who treats those you love with kindness and respect. It seems that you like to imagine growing old with your husband without ever having the type of intimacy that most successful marriages would have. The type of intimacy that allows your spouse to know the real you. Do you really love and like yourself? I ask, because usually when we do, we want those we are most close to, to know the real us, our imperfections and all. It seems that you keep a major part of yourself hidden and imagine living out your entire life that way. Why?
East7 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I have been married for 16 years and having an affair with my husband's friend for 14 years. He'd drive me nuts! But now I wonder what he is doing and am jealous of the time he spends with his wife! How can this be happening after 14 years of happy affair. Wow... IMHO, like many MW who have affairs, you have an ego and self-esteem issue. Ego burst, selfishness, because you are happy to have 2 men after you and it doesn't bother you (no guilt) You don't mind hurting your H nor your OM (at least when he was single). Self-esteem issue because you act like owning OM and become jealous for his wifes. Your self-esteem takes a stroke when he is with someone else. But you also clingy to you H only because he makes you feel secure.
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 What do you think would happen if your husband found out about your affair with his friend? How would it affect your husband? Your children? Are you sort of getting off on the fact that the affair is with your husband's friend rather than with a random guy? I ask because you do always make sure to note that you are in an affair with your "husband's friend." In fact, that's the only characteristic of your affair partner that you mention. I am pretty stiff in my morals about "cheating" but this would be an extra double whammy to your husband - Anyway, you are a conundrum to me. You have been fine for over a decade, and now, only because you dislike sharing your OM with other women, you are considering giving up the affair. Are there not other reasons to consider giving up the affair? Sounds like there would be plenty. I am not trying to force my morals upon you, and I ask this in all pure sincerity: Do you feel any guilt or concerns about possible consequences? Are you in this for the "danger" and thrills? Do you consider yourself to be a truly polyamorous person who got stuck accidentally in monogamy? Help me understand.
bentnotbroken Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Please start thinking about your husband. How do you think this will make him feel? If you want to grow old and gray with your husband, please get some therapy and figure out what you need to do be faithful to him. Obviously, you didn't agree when you married him to continue an ongoing relationship with his friend for so many years. Think about how much hurt this will cause him. She doesn't care how her husband feels and she has already posted that she doesn't feel guilty about...unless she gets caught:sick:. Here's praying for her husband to find out that he has lived a lie and been betrayed by both his "friend" and his "wife".
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 How you can love your husband, want to grow old and grey with him when you've cheated at the 2 year mark and having an affair throughout your whole marriage? Seems your marriage is one big lie. Why not tell your husband the truth so HE can go have someone on the side too? Have an open marriage.
pureinheart Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 She doesn't care how her husband feels and she has already posted that she doesn't feel guilty about...unless she gets caught:sick:. Here's praying for her husband to find out that he has lived a lie and been betrayed by both his "friend" and his "wife". Wouldn't it be better to pray for God's will in this matter...restoration for all in this matter? OP, my hope is for the restoration of all of the parties involved according to your belief system. According to mine, this is not a good dynamic for any of you. Would it be possible to sit down and speak with your husband? I find it difficult to understand that your hubby doesn't have some idea, especially if you are all together so much...I am thinking he could be purposefully not saying anything.
bentnotbroken Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Wouldn't it be better to pray for God's will in this matter...restoration for all in this matter? OP, my hope is for the restoration of all of the parties involved according to your belief system. According to mine, this is not a good dynamic for any of you. Would it be possible to sit down and speak with your husband? I find it difficult to understand that your hubby doesn't have some idea, especially if you are all together so much...I am thinking he could be purposefully not saying anything. You pray for whatever you feel the need to pray for. I will pray for her husband's deliverance from the lies and to see clearly what is in front of him...thank you very much.
YellowShark Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 What do you think would happen if your husband found out about your affair with his friend? Just to put it in perspective my EX was in an affair with a really good, close, married friend of mine. On D-day two people that I cared for deeply threw me under a bus. It is as if they had died. To this very day lovingit - (6 months since D-day) - I suffer from nightmares and PTSD. This is your husband's future which you and his "friend" shall be responsible for. It's an absolute living hell losing two people in my life instead of just one. Just my 2 cents.
Got it Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I get not wanting to be mongamous, absolutely. But why not extend that to the other parties? That is what I find perplexing. I am not judging you just find you stance perplexing.
whammy Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 (edited) yeh you clearly love your husband... will therapy help you find out why you like scumbags so much? Edited January 10, 2011 by whammy
scatterd Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 If the friend is married the wife will pick up on it just because husband trusts her does not mean the wife of other man will.Maybe you are wanting it over because you know that you will be caught and is he in love now?What are you going to do with attention from one man this guy sees something in this woman thats why he is getting married.This might be the beginning of DD depending on their realationship and how deep it gets.You have gotten away with this a long time but people get caught all the time after years of deceiving their spouse.
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