kittensmittens Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I posted on here frequently a few years back about my ex, the problems we were having, and then eventually the breakup and it's subsequent onslaught of emotions. I am now in a "new" relationship. We've been together for almost 3 years. I met him 10 months after the 4 year relationship w/ my ex (also my first love) finally ended for good. I slowly started a ldr with my current bf. From the beginning, I had my doubts about whether or not I was ready for a relationship and did talk to him about this. We started dating anyway and are now living together as of a few months ago. We argue and fight a lot. I don't feel the same sense of comfort/closeness I felt with my ex. I constantly feel an inner sense of anger at his reactions in situations that differ from how my ex would have reacted. I feel annoyed when he doesn't like many of the things my ex liked and is close minded about things. In short, he is opposite in almost every way....sometimes I really appreciate this when it's contrasted w/ things about my ex that made me feel very unhappy (and there were a lot). But often, I still feel as if my ex is the missing puzzle piece in my life. I think of him, literally, every day. He's constantly at the back of my mind. His name still makes its way into conversation w/ friends. I watch him from afar on facebook (we are not friends and I am adamant about not maintaining contact with him). The painful emotions have all faded.....now it's just kind of a dull, deep down sense of longing or something missing that nags at me constantly. Lately it's grown into wishing I could just see him one more time or talk to him. Almost as if he is someone who died that I still long to talk to again and tell them how life is going. In short, I'm still carrying a torch. I don't like it and am ashamed of it. Even though things w/ my ex were actually quite terrible, I can't shake this feeling. Rationally, I should not want him in any way shape or form. We have a lot of differences as well, I often felt very restricted in activities/lifestyle/etc when I was with him, and he was mentally abusive, immature, ambitionless, and a giant, lazy slob. Yet, I can't shake the feeling that the way things were w/ him are the "right way". I find myself constantly thinking things like, "ex wouldn't have reacted that way" or "ex would have wanted to watch that movie" or "ex wouldn't have said something like that".... There is also this deep sense that he is the one other person, aside from my mom, who truly understands my heart and knows me. He was very manipulative and often I was blamed for all of the discord in the relationship but, through it all, I always felt that he understood that I was a good, honest, sensitive person with good intentions and a good heart. I never felt like I wasn't those things when I was w/ him. And except when he was intentionally being very cold and cruel, he was tender and compassionate in all the right ways. In short, I didn't ever feel mistrusted, dumb, strange, looked down upon or as if MY integrity, judgement, or intelligence is questionable. I feel those things more than I would like w/ my current boyfriend. I'm not sure if I'm simply putting the ex up on a pedestal because he is my first love (I often wonder how I would feel if the order of the 2 of them were reversed).....or if there is truly something missing in my current relationship and this is causing me to think too much of my ex. I wonder if I'm being too hard on my current bf, comparing him the way I do. I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere near as close to him as I was w/ my ex. I loved my ex completely with all my heart and held NOTHING back. Sadly, I can't say the same about my current bf. I don't know if I'm simply afraid to let my guard down completely the way I did before, or if this relationship now just isn't right and I'm intentionally keeping my distance. I just want to leave my ex in the past and move on w/ my life. I don't know how to do this. I clearly haven't done it yet, after all these years. I only fooled myself for a very long time into believing I had and it's been slowly closing in on me. This is the first I've been able to bring myself to admit it to myself enough to talk to anyone about it. He has contacted me multiple times, pouring his heart out while in a serious relationship w/ another girl. I don't know if his feelings were sincere or if things were failing between them or if he saw that I was in a relationship and he felt he was losing control. Whatever, the case I didn't respond b/c I can't be sure. I will never be sure. I will never be able to trust him and can never be with him again. What is going on in my head and how do I let go and move on???
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