2themoon&back Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I am up as usually talking to my new bff, myself ……… and was pondering the proper way to divvy up Responsibility in a relationship that has not worked out? It is discussed here a lot,” take responsibility for you actions and “don’t take all the responsibility”? I get very confused in this area because it is unclear (to me anyway) how this is done. So I am asking is there a special equation that is needed when you look at a situation and start distributing the responsibility of it. I am also asking because I feel solely responsible for most things in my life and I know even though some of this may be accurate I cannot possible be the only person responsible for everyone else’s choices in any particular situation. Can I, wouldn’t that be a form of co-dependency, if I did? Also how do you show or get validation that you have or are willing to take your responsibility that would satisfy the person you may have wronged or offended. I think to understand this would be helpful in the forgiving of yourself as well, because to forgive anything you must be aware of what exactly needs to be forgiven. As always any and all insight is appreciated.
TaraMaiden Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 If he cheats (this is just an example) then he's to BLAME. But as to what the fundamental reasons in the relationship were, to cause him to wander is for you both to address, because if everything was ok on the farm, he wouldn't have gone daisy-picking.... Both partners are 100% responsible for themselves, in maintaining a relationship. It takes Effort and Commitment, and you need Trust, Communication and Respect. (Both for self and partner). If any of these three last elements are missing, it's hard to keep things on an even keel ('Trust' is the worst one....) And one person cannot fix something on their own. Both need to be in on the game, and on the same page. if not - it's going to be a forever-uphill struggle. Unless the one making the superhuman effort throws in the towel and calls it a day, that is.
Author 2themoon&back Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 If he cheats (this is just an example) then he's to BLAME. But as to what the fundamental reasons in the relationship were, to cause him to wander is for you both to address, because if everything was ok on the farm, he wouldn't have gone daisy-picking.... Both partners are 100% responsible for themselves, in maintaining a relationship. It takes Effort and Commitment, and you need Trust, Communication and Respect. (Both for self and partner). If any of these three last elements are missing, it's hard to keep things on an even keel ('Trust' is the worst one....) And one person cannot fix something on their own. Both need to be in on the game, and on the same page. if not - it's going to be a forever-uphill struggle. Unless the one making the superhuman effort throws in the towel and calls it a day, that is. TaraMaiden Everything you have said is dead on point! I am wondering how trust works, Trust to me is feed by all the elements you stated above and when all is said and done it is still a choice to have it or to give it. About the superhuman effort part.... that has always been me, I have let people I have been involved with believe that I posses superhuman power and they either buy it or let me do all the work and then have an opinion of my efforts. This has been so exhausting for me. I have had a lot of issues with Co-dependency (though I hate labels) and find it to be a complex issue to overcome. When I think I have CD figured out, I find there is a new angle on it and I am still CD. Hence.... just going at the issues in a different way does not = the healthy way. I am very grateful for your post but am surprised that you are the only one that has posted; I guess I did not have enough drama in my questions, or YOU may just be the smartest person on this site and no one can top what you have said!! It would be hard indeed to do to so IMO.
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 TaraMaiden Everything you have said is dead on point! I am wondering how trust works, Trust to me is feed by all the elements you stated above and when all is said and done it is still a choice to have it or to give it. I'm using the term "you", generically here, not 'you' specifically.... If your trust has been abused in a different and previous relationship, and you've had your fingers burned, then obviously Trust is going to be an issue for you before you've even sprung the starting gate. But I think any potential partner deserves to know that. I think it's one of the major talking points that arises in discussions where exclusivity seems to be the order of the day. It's a reasonable thing to confide, and puts you both on a gentle level of attentiveness. About the superhuman effort part.... that has always been me, I have let people I have been involved with believe that I posses superhuman power and they either buy it or let me do all the work and then have an opinion of my efforts. This has been so exhausting for me. Then it is you who must change that, not they. Permitting others to think or believe something which would in the end play against us, is not constructive, and it's certainly not helping us establish a preliminary level of honesty. If we permit people to believe something about us, and they then take advantage - some of the responsibility for that must lie with us, and our inability to either clarify our limits - or not being clear enough about our needs. I have had a lot of issues with Co-dependency (though I hate labels) and find it to be a complex issue to overcome. When I think I have CD figured out, I find there is a new angle on it and I am still CD. Hence.... just going at the issues in a different way does not = the healthy way. It is one thing to recognise a facet of your character, but it is quite another to take steps to change it. Perhaps you have not being using the right angle. The right angle is to stop looking at how you treat the other person, and what dependnecy you are apt to put upon them. The trick is to turn the focus on yourself, and realise, come to terms with and truly believe - that your happiness is NOT dependent on the presence in your life of a significant other. Everything you need to live a fulfilled, serene, complete and contented life - you already have, at your disposal, within yourself. Happiness with a partner, is the icing on the cake. But you - you have to be that cake..... I am very grateful for your post but am surprised that you are the only one that has posted; I guess I did not have enough drama in my questions, or YOU may just be the smartest person on this site and no one can top what you have said!! It would be hard indeed to do to so IMO. Really, what it is, is that so many people on here have been through an awful lot, and learnt this for themselves. A truly functional relationship is built on two people wanting the best for each other, and putting the other first. Not in a doormat kind of way, but through consideration, courtesy, respect and Loving Kindness. Of course, we need that back, for a relationship to flourish. When it becomes one-sided, and there are selfish motives afoot, then the dysfunction, and dissatisfaction sets in.... Read Kahil Gibran's thoughts on Marriage.This poem sums it up. I wish you well, and much contentment.
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