onetoughkitty Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Back in Feb, my ex of 14 years dumped me for another girl. I was heartbroken but I got over it fairly quickly because it was just our time. He was always depressed and had passive aggressive issues. Unfortunately, the guy I met after him was acting like the world's biggest DB and we had some major issues I'd rather not discuss but we were done by July. In Sept, just as I was getting ready to give up on dating, I met this really sweet man (he's 22 though, I'm 33). Unfortunately, I didn't do a thorough check on him before I started really falling for him. I found out through his Facebook that he was engaged during the summer and probably ended that a few weeks before we met so I didn't know about the potential for being his rebound. He also is a flirtatious sort of guy and coming out of two relationships where trust was major problems, you can see where this went. Not good for a girl like me. Thanksgiving weekend, he's at my house and he's majorly distracted by his cell phone, find out he's chatting with some girl. Despite the fact that he tells me he loves me, he doesn't know where our relationship is going. Weekend passes, says he only loves me, no one else. Two weeks go by and I still have trust issues. He says he can't guarantee he won't hurt me again and just wants to move on. I persuade him to give us a break, week later he deletes me from his Facebook. I tell him that I'm hurt but I understand and that I hope he only has the best in life and I really do, I bear him no ill will. I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks since the initial breakup and I have made no attempt to contact him. Thing is, today I realized that I miss him. I miss talking about things I don't get to talk to with my friends. Even though we may not be a good couple, he's an interesting person and I enjoy hearing about his life. It was nice to talk to someone who wasn't all into sports, drinking like crazy and had hobbies he really enjoyed. Things don't work out, I get that but to sever all ties just because we don't fit as a couple, seems pointless. With the exception of one guy (who pulled a gun to my head), most of the guys I have dated I have ended up on cordial terms with. Even with the two before this man, we're cool now (strictly friends, nothing more even though they have tried to come back). I want to extend the olive branch, what do you think?
Sevenscars Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 To be honest, I don't think you should extend the proverbial olive branch of friendship. Now, let me explain... This guy just got out of an engagement, what, a few weeks before meeting you? Do you know the terms of the break up? If it was her, he might be upset and hurt and looking for a rebound. If it was him, he may have been over her and looking for something new. If it was both of them, it could be either one. Either way, a man fresh out of an engagement will most likely just be looking for fun and not much else. I don't speak for every man when I say this but what would you expect, him to be looking for another marriage? He's probably just looking for comfort. You can also tell that by his actions at your house. It's really disrespectful to be phone flirting when you're with someone, much less in their presence. And to contradict himself by saying he loves you, but he doesn't know where you're headed, is just terrible, this guy clearly doesn't know what he wants. When someone says they can't guarantee they won't hurt you, they mean that they are going to hurt you. You know that for a fact when he says he just wants to move on. Sure you miss him, that's a natural feeling, but it may be best to move on yourself. There's other interesting people out there in the world. You shouldn't make time for someone who's rebounding and is most likely just going to play you...those people have no respect for you. If you want to be friends with this guy it's up to you, but you obviously like this guy and being friends with him is not going to help you at all, rather it will probably just hurt you when you see him off with other girls. This guy may be interesting but doesn't really sound like a winner from my perspective, seeing how he treated your relationship. People like that aren't worth your time, and you can find other interesting people who will actually respect you. Are you sure you're not just using "he's interesting" as an excuse to try to contact him? We do weird things when our heart strings are pulled over our eyes, because as interesting as he is, it doesn't change the way he treated you during the delicate moments of your relationship, and you may be too blinded by your love to see this. Since you've been cordial with your past exes I'm sure you can handle this one, but give it some time, I'd say seriously wait 6 months before even attempting to contact him in friendship to see if you still have the feeling of wanting to be friends, and not just the feeling of missing him (which is natural). By this time your feelings will most likely have settled and you'll be able to see clearer. But I stick to what I said, it's probably not worth it and you shouldn't offer your friendship, instead let him ease out of his engagement and settle down himself. I hope I helped even a little, and wish you the best.
Author onetoughkitty Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Thanks. I think I just needed to get that out of my system and to get some reassuring words that letting him go is way better. I am glad to see my gut instincts still work.
0hpenelope Posted January 16, 2011 Posted January 16, 2011 I didn't want to threadjack stilincho's thread, but this very recent development: The very same. It was sooooo awkward. Has me very intrigued. What happened and why the heck is he coming back to sniff around when he dumped you?
Author onetoughkitty Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 I have no idea why he felt compelled to come back, 10 months later. I didn't ask why because I don't care. I just simply told him I wasn't interested and it will never ever happen. I thought it was funny that he decided to ask if we could work it out right after my break-up with the latest guy I was dating (and no one knew except me and the guy) so maybe it was a weird second sense?
0hpenelope Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 I have no idea why he felt compelled to come back, 10 months later. I didn't ask why because I don't care. I just simply told him I wasn't interested and it will never ever happen. I thought it was funny that he decided to ask if we could work it out right after my break-up with the latest guy I was dating (and no one knew except me and the guy) so maybe it was a weird second sense? A clear case of not knowing what he had 'til it was gone for good. Still, I feel bad for the guy. But not too much. I'm much happier for you!
Author onetoughkitty Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 So the latest ex just texts me and confirmed what I suspected all along. I feel completely vindicated and am glad I can move on without feeling like I was an unreasonable bitch. Trust your instincts. You more likely right than you think.
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