theodora Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Oh cum on, that's going a bit too far. It's effed up when men think that about women--"I don't give two craps if she comes as long as I get mine" so the reversed is just as bad. Yeah fair enough, i didn't mean it like that. Not "not care" in a BAD way. I just meant when sex is good it's like....your in synch with each other. You know? You're not sitting round wondering whether or not each other are going to come. You're just having a good time. I've had sex with my bf when he doesn't come. It doesn't make me think he isn't hot for me. I know he is. But sometimes he doesn't want to come. I respect that. I trust him to not have sex with me if he doesn't WANT to. You know? I just don't get the worry about him not coming, because...excuse me for being graphic but....if a man isn't into it then doesn't that kind of...become obvious? I don't think Sting ever comes any more does he? It's a tantric thing lol.
ComeUndone Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I just don't get the worry about him not coming, because...excuse me for being graphic but....if a man isn't into it then doesn't that kind of...become obvious? Yeah, he doesn't cum with you.... ever.
theodora Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 The fact that she wants him to have an orgasm too isn't selfish on her part. Sure it makes HER feel good when he's had one because she then knows how turned on he was, but the same applies to him. He wouldn't like it if he couldn't bring her to orgasm. With our partner not being able to cum, we feel like we aren't good enough. Sure there are times when he won't have one... that's normal, but it's not 'the norm'. Hmmm. I take it all back. I think this is an excellent point. Why doesn't he want to come WITH his girlfriend, instead of just coming into his own hand? I suspect he actually has some issues going on, which he is unable or unwilling to talk about. The shame is that she OP is taking it personally. Seems to me, it's not about her AT ALL. It's about HIM. He'd be like this with any woman. She just needs to decide whether or not that's something to accept. ComeUndone, I feel so bad for you. You speak as though porn is just a given, and it really isn't you know. There are men out there who don't use porn, who don't like porn, and who don't expect their girlfriends to put up with it. I know they might not be 'the norm' either, but if you open your mind to the possibility, then you might just meet one. You are so clever and wise - why do you think you need to put up with that **** when it disrespects you so blatantly? Acting out your boyfriend's porn fantasies?? No. Come on. Not OK. In fact, Gross. Be one thing if you were into it, but it's so obvious that you're not! So stop doing it! Stop tolerating it! And if he quits you because of it, then frankly that shows you how much he cares.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 ... no woman will get between a man and his porn... Don't ever think that. It's totally not so. Only guys who are immature or ho are in relationships with inept women will behave that way. I'll assume you not to be inept. ...is this really a subject we should have to keep revisiting? Men? No. Same as first response. .. How f*cked up is that? Very. What's the sense of being in a relationship if one is going to be so selfish so often?
ComeUndone Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 There are men out there who don't use porn, who don't like porn, and who don't expect their girlfriends to put up with it. I know they might not be 'the norm' either, but if you open your mind to the possibility, then you might just meet one. You are so clever and wise - why do you think you need to put up with that **** when it disrespects you so blatantly? Acting out your boyfriend's porn fantasies?? No. Come on. Not OK. In fact, Gross. Maybe. I have a hard time getting my mind around the idea that there actually are men out there that don't use it. On the other hand, I'm sure there are men using it that aren't letting it get in the way of the intimacy with their SO. That's the more important point IMO. Be one thing if you were into it, but it's so obvious that you're not! So stop doing it! Stop tolerating it! And if he quits you because of it, then frankly that shows you how much he cares. It's not that I never am.... sure I am, sometimes. The issue, without getting into all the sexual details, is that it's getting to where he needs to work in these fetishes, at least some aspect of them, almost every time now. And that I'm NOT okay with. If I object, I ruin the moment - I also likely ruin any chance of him cumming. Kind-of in a jam here. Sorry for thread-hijacking OP
ComeUndone Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Don't ever think that. It's totally not so. Only guys who are immature or ho are in relationships with inept women will behave that way. I'll assume you not to be inept. Thanks. Yeah, not inept - just stuck. Almost every other aspect of our relationship is great yet this one big area. Worse yet, I don't know that it's fixable. What's the sense of being in a relationship if one is going to be so selfish so often? Yeah, I'm beginning to wonder.
Author Titania22 Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 So this is all about YOU? Sex is about emotional intimacy, not achieving an orgasm. If it were, I would probably choose masturbation over intercourse, because I can (frankly) give myself a better orgasm than any woman can. What I can't give myself is intimacy and closeness. Firstly I was feeling really angry about it all day yesterday, so that would have had some effect on the tone of my post. So when I am angry it is about me, sorry for being human. I get the need for emotional intimacy. I was happy to go over there and cuddle, kiss and touch, without penetrative sex. I didn't go over there horny. But I try to be an attentive gf, so I asked him over skype if he was likely to want sex when I came over, so I would bring the right attitude. He's the one that knew he had masturbated and he's the one that said he wanted sex. When I read your posts, I assumed you were saying that he can't achieve an erection if he masturbates and he refuses to have sex with you, not that he has trouble achieving an orgasm. Does he have sex with you? Does he complain that he doesn't orgasm? As men get older, it's normal for them to take longer to orgasm and to have a much longer period of time to recover. The number of times a man ejaculates is a function of his body, not his partner's desirability. When I was 18 I could come 4 times in a row and it only took my a few minutes to orgasm (often to the disappointment of my partner!). Once a night is my limit now, and it takes a long time before I come (usually to the delight of my partner!) I get that, and if I had been looking for some guy in his 40's, 50's or 60's, I would expect that. But I was in the market for an 18-23yr old, and he was a 25yr old virgin. He should have had 25yrs of stored up sex energy to aim right at me. And with me in my sexy little outfits, and giving him free reign to do anything and everything he has ever wanted to do, NO RESTRICTION, I kind of expected I would be more compelling then a video. I could not give my partner "shorter sex, multiple times" no matter if this was her preference. Fortunately for me, my partners are looking for a boyfriend, not an animal who performs to whatever arbitrary criteria they establish. I can and do enjoy sex without an orgasm. I think you're making a mistake to think that that is the main point of intercourse. And I think you're making a mistake to make this all about you and your insecurities. I get what you are saying. And I realise the world has changed. But I would like to add that my partner is STOIC. It's not like his excitement seeps through very much at all, so I reliant of all available signs, to gain a sense of his enjoyment and interest. If he was showing his excitement more by say, making noises, telling me how hot i am making him, being more physical (i.e.grabbing me and changing my position in an impatient way), I would get turned on by that stuff just as must as him cuming. Incidently he did do these sorts of things and cum, when he hadn't masturbated. Since I don't have internal orgasms and he makes little to no effort to give me a clitoral orgasm. And I get only a little favourable sensation from penetration. My enjoyment of penetrative sex is directly related to how excited my partner is, and how much he wants my body. Maybe you just haven't had good sex yet. Because if you had, you honestly wouldn't give two hoots about when he last came, how he last came, or when he was going to come again. Oh cum on, that's going a bit too far. It's effed up when men think that about women--"I don't give two craps if she comes as long as I get mine" so the reversed is just as bad. Thankyou Feelin Frisky. I feel for her... it sucks to be on the receiving end. Sex is supposed to be mutually satisfying, mutually. The fact that she wants him to have an orgasm too isn't selfish on her part. Sure it makes HER feel good when he's had one because she then knows how turned on he was, but the same applies to him. He wouldn't like it if he couldn't bring her to orgasm. With our partner not being able to cum, we feel like we aren't good enough. Sure there are times when he won't have one... that's normal, but it's not 'the norm'. Thanks to everyone for posting. I have enjoyed reading all the responses. Good food for thought, and really made me ask myself why this got me so angry. I think mostly it was because I asked him if he wanted sex, and instead of being honest and saying he wasn't in the mood for it, he communicated he was. But considering his lack of enthusiasm, I realise now, he only wanted "lazy man sex".
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Is this the same guy who you posted about recently? Who changed so drastically in how he converses with you? If it is, really sounds like the negatives are outweighing the positives.
jadedone Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Of course, sex with GF always better than masturbation. Even more strange than that, some people actually choose to play video games over having sex with their GF. Something I don't understand. QFT. I have benefited from a girl that was being ignored for Halo.
Author Titania22 Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Is this the same guy who you posted about recently? Who changed so drastically in how he converses with you? If it is, really sounds like the negatives are outweighing the positives. Yes and I agree. We talked it out last time and I decided not to dump him outright right then. But the bad does seem to be stacking up. And I think his days are numbered, especially since I can feel myself emotionally withdrawing. All round this whole experience has been really interesting, and I have learnt lots.
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Here's a question for you guys out there who really want girlfriends, and possibly haven't had one yet. If after getting a girlfriend, you realised that your sexual performance with her, was inhibited by how recently or how often you masturbated, would you change your behaviour (i.e. give up or heavily reduce the number of times you spend masturbating)? Are your solo flights more important to you, then having a sexual relationship with a real life girl? Most of the time sex with a woman is better than masturbation. However, some women are not good at sex. There can also be timing and availability issues. He is going to get the urge fairly often, and if your not available at that time he may not be willing to wait. This is especially true if he doesnt know when he will see you next.
musemaj11 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I feel sad for women who have sex just to feel wanted. Such women must have self-esteem issues. I prefer the attitude of women like Theodora who have sex because they are horny not because they need a validation. You can tell when a woman is having sex for the 'right' reason because she is much more into it and she works to achieve her own orgasm instead of just going with the motion. Thats really hot.
theodora Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I feel sad for women who have sex just to feel wanted. Such women must have self-esteem issues. I prefer the attitude of women like Theodora who have sex because they are horny not because they need a validation. You can tell when a woman is having sex for the 'right' reason because she is much more into it and she works to achieve her own orgasm instead of just going with the motion. Thats really hot. Took me a long time to get to that point though. And I had a LOT of bad sexual experiences. It's not easy as a woman to take charge of your own sexuality because SO much of the imagery and fiction out there is about pleasing men. Any exposure to porn or men who are big porn users can also distort your interpretation of what sex is or can be. I think you just have to be really blatant and help your man understand what you want...it's probably as confusing for them as it is for us.
Els Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I feel sad for women who have sex just to feel wanted. Such women must have self-esteem issues. I prefer the attitude of women like Theodora who have sex because they are horny not because they need a validation. You can tell when a woman is having sex for the 'right' reason because she is much more into it and she works to achieve her own orgasm instead of just going with the motion. Thats really hot. This has nothing to do with the OP's problem of a man who consistently masturbates despite it having a negative effect on his sexual performance. Part of the enjoyment of sex IS bringing one's partner to orgasm. If that is CONSTANTLY lacking, then sex IS lacking, unless you're having it with a prostitute.
zengirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I wouldn't have a problem with masturbation, if he could still bring it. But he can't, and it frustrates me that even having it spelt out for him (i.e. if you have masturbated in the last 48hrs sex is redundant), he still doesn't get it. Interesting problem. Since he was a virgin, I would be more "forgiving" in general, but with the other stuff we know about him, he seems a bit immature and self-absorbed. . . so hard to say. I've never been with a virgin. This is rough though, because if he's not bringing it, and it's making you unhappy, he knows, and that could lead to stress, which could lead to a need to masturbate, etc. I know my BF says masturbation is mostly stress-relief, and I've heard that before from men. It doesn't bother me that he masturbates. I suppose it would bother me if a BF couldn't "bring it" for whatever reason (regularly/always/early on, especially), but I'd see that as a major incompatibility. And I don't know how I'd deal. I only ever dated/slept with one guy who wasn't awesome in bed (not necessarily every time, but overall), and he was my first, so I didn't really realize it yet. So, basically, my advice is all theoretical, and I kind of feel like a jerk giving it. He can't cum at all, if he has mastubated within 48hrs of sex. Not once, not at all. What is the point of having sex with a guy who isn't going to cum? It's the ultimate proof he enjoyed himself. Not to mention gives me an esteem boost, and thus leads to me wanting to have sex more often. I've had sex with men who couldn't cum sometimes, and it bothered me at first -- when I thought it was me -- but once I realized it wasn't, and they did cum sometimes, and they enjoyed sex anyway (even when they couldn't climax), it didn't bother me as much. I know lots of men who say they can't cum with a condom especially. Personally, I have an orgasm pretty much every time I have sex, but I'm a weird lady. Apparently, most women don't. Does that mean that sex with them is pointless? Wanting to please and pleasure someone is good. Making them feel pressured to be pleasured seems counterproductive to me.
Author Titania22 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 I feel sad for women who have sex just to feel wanted. Such women must have self-esteem issues. I prefer the attitude of women like Theodora who have sex because they are horny not because they need a validation. You can tell when a woman is having sex for the 'right' reason because she is much more into it and she works to achieve her own orgasm instead of just going with the motion. Thats really hot. I get how you read that into my posts. I think my problem has more to do with my latent programming concerning roles and responsibilities as a "good girlfriend". And I think much of the changes in him since becoming bf/gf has to do with his latent programs about what it means to be in a relationship. I was very happy single and would have been happy not having sex last weekend. But I also realise I have a really low sex drive, so if I am to engage in a relationship, I would be a bitch not to accept that possibly all men have a larger sex drive than me, and make an effort. Being really horny is awesome, but with being mentally stimulated it's probably only going to happen a few times a year. Took me a long time to get to that point though. And I had a LOT of bad sexual experiences. It's not easy as a woman to take charge of your own sexuality because SO much of the imagery and fiction out there is about pleasing men. Any exposure to porn or men who are big porn users can also distort your interpretation of what sex is or can be. I think you just have to be really blatant and help your man understand what you want...it's probably as confusing for them as it is for us. Yes, good point. This has nothing to do with the OP's problem of a man who consistently masturbates despite it having a negative effect on his sexual performance. Part of the enjoyment of sex IS bringing one's partner to orgasm. If that is CONSTANTLY lacking, then sex IS lacking, unless you're having it with a prostitute. Thanks Elyswyth Interesting problem. Since he was a virgin, I would be more "forgiving" in general, but with the other stuff we know about him, he seems a bit immature and self-absorbed. . . so hard to say. I've never been with a virgin. This is rough though, because if he's not bringing it, and it's making you unhappy, he knows, and that could lead to stress, which could lead to a need to masturbate, etc. Wanting to please and pleasure someone is good. Making them feel pressured to be pleasured seems counterproductive to me. I know. That's what I find really impossible, with all sexual relationships, not just this one. If being critical, gives them anxiety and makes sex worse, and being appreciative just make them think they are doing everything right. How the hell, are we supposed to communicate what's going wrong in the bedroom? This is where I FAIL completely. This is a source of frustration, and I think I will start a new thread for it.
zengirl Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I know. That's what I find really impossible, with all sexual relationships, not just this one. If being critical, gives them anxiety and makes sex worse, and being appreciative just make them think they are doing everything right. How the hell, are we supposed to communicate what's going wrong in the bedroom? This is where I FAIL completely. While I said I've always had awesome sex in my relationships in general (except the first one where I didn't know any better), I've definitely had to bring up 'issues' before. I think the way to do so is not to place so much 'blame' on it, and not so much importance. This is easier to do if you are overall more satisfied, happier, and more sexually connected/emotionally intimate. I think that's where the sexual compatibility comes in, maybe? Or maybe just intimacy? I've never had sex outside of a LTR where I really liked the guy, so I feel like I was always pretty warm in my communication and adjustments for our sex life. But the issue you describe seems like a sexual compatibility issue. It's not that either of you are 'wrong' perse. Some guys don't cum easily, and while not masturbating right before is a reasonable request, not masturbating for 48 hours. . . this seems rigid to me. Masturbation has some benefits for mental health and stress relief, chemically, especially in men. And I understand wanting a man to cum every time, but how easy it is for a man to cum isn't something a guy can just change easily.
Author Titania22 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 But the issue you describe seems like a sexual compatibility issue. It's not that either of you are 'wrong' perse. Some guys don't cum easily, and while not masturbating right before is a reasonable request, not masturbating for 48 hours. . . this seems rigid to me. Masturbation has some benefits for mental health and stress relief, chemically, especially in men. And I understand wanting a man to cum every time, but how easy it is for a man to cum isn't something a guy can just change easily. Fair enough, but i didn't mean forever. I meant for a little while, so his body can get used to sex with a woman. And to be fair, he was having a long term internet relationship, before the bf/gf came up and he said he wouldn't masturbate for 1-2months before meeting her so he wouldn't disappoint. 48hrs is alot shorter than 1-2months. Even giving it up for 2weeks, and us making an effort to get together pretty regularly, I think would have been enough for his body to get used to it. I was hardly suggesting for the rest of his life. He was the one trying to convince the doctor to give him pills, and even the doctor was saying 'give up the porn'.
musemaj11 Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I get how you read that into my posts. I think my problem has more to do with my latent programming concerning roles and responsibilities as a "good girlfriend". And I think much of the changes in him since becoming bf/gf has to do with his latent programs about what it means to be in a relationship. I was very happy single and would have been happy not having sex last weekend. But I also realise I have a really low sex drive, so if I am to engage in a relationship, I would be a bitch not to accept that possibly all men have a larger sex drive than me, and make an effort. Being really horny is awesome, but with being mentally stimulated it's probably only going to happen a few times a year. If you dont really enjoy sex then dont have sex. So basically I was right that at the bottom, its actually about you, not him. Its about you not liking sex in the first place but you want your bf to want to have sex with you to satisfy your personal ego. If its about him, then you wouldnt care if he wants sex or not or if he cums or not. If you really have a low drive, I dont think you should force yourself. Its just going to frustrate you and your partner.
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