jessyj Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Im looking for some non judgemental advice on my current situation. I have not been able to tell anyone my story due to the fact that I have been having an affair with a MM I am working with for the past 6 months. I am by no means naive and this A only began because I knew there was something very special between us. This is by no means a R based on S only. We firstly became friends and the R grew from there. Neither of us wanted to get into this situation but our feelings grew for one another. He currently works in a different state to his family and so he spends 4 nights a week living with me away from his family home. As you can imagine this feel likes a normal relationship in so many ways and I am extremely happy when we are together but when he leaves me at the weekends the gut wrenching guilt and insecurity sets in. He has told me there is no intimacy between him and his wife and this was the case long before we began our A. I know this is cliche and I should be a fool to believe it but I do. I am also assured that he loves me dearly and he has not left his wife to date because of his son who is currently in his last year of school. All throughout our A my MM has been very open and honest with me and I do believe his feelings are genuine. However over the christmas holidays he seemed far more distant with me and contact became less and less. When he returned to work this feeling remained and I cannot help but feel he is trying to push me away after he spent a large amount of time at home. He says his feelings have not changed but I suddenly feel worried and insecure. Is this a sign that the intimacy has returned in his relationship at home ? He contacts his wife daily and they seem to have a good friendship. He openly speaks to me about her but would not speak badly off her or his life. I am torn that I am now being played for a fool by this man who i love dearly and who has assured me is in love with me. i live in hope that he will leave his wife once his son finishes school and we can then make a life together. Am I living in a dream world ? I have told my MM that I cannot be with him if he has no intention of leaving his wife and he has promised that he cannot live his life without me in it and he wants to work things out. Should I cut my losses and move on with my life ? I am interested to hear from OW but also MM/ AP. I should also point out that there is a 20 year age gap between us (he is 20 years older than me)
desertIslandCactus Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 It's to your advantage to plan (in your mind) an exit.
BB07 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Your intuition/gut is talking to you. That unsettling feeling you are getting.......is telling you the truth. Why complicate your life like this? You are free to do as you wish, see who you want, go when you want, so why spend time waiting on something that the odds are against happening?
MorningCoffee Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Im looking for some non judgemental advice on my current situation. I have not been able to tell anyone my story due to the fact that I have been having an affair with a MM I am working with for the past 6 months. I am by no means naive and this A only began because I knew there was something very special between us. This is by no means a R based on S only. We firstly became friends and the R grew from there. Neither of us wanted to get into this situation but our feelings grew for one another. He currently works in a different state to his family and so he spends 4 nights a week living with me away from his family home. As you can imagine this feel likes a normal relationship in so many ways and I am extremely happy when we are together but when he leaves me at the weekends the gut wrenching guilt and insecurity sets in. He has told me there is no intimacy between him and his wife and this was the case long before we began our A. I know this is cliche and I should be a fool to believe it but I do. I am also assured that he loves me dearly and he has not left his wife to date because of his son who is currently in his last year of school. All throughout our A my MM has been very open and honest with me and I do believe his feelings are genuine. However over the christmas holidays he seemed far more distant with me and contact became less and less. When he returned to work this feeling remained and I cannot help but feel he is trying to push me away after he spent a large amount of time at home. He says his feelings have not changed but I suddenly feel worried and insecure. Is this a sign that the intimacy has returned in his relationship at home ? He contacts his wife daily and they seem to have a good friendship. He openly speaks to me about her but would not speak badly off her or his life. I am torn that I am now being played for a fool by this man who i love dearly and who has assured me is in love with me. i live in hope that he will leave his wife once his son finishes school and we can then make a life together. Am I living in a dream world ? I have told my MM that I cannot be with him if he has no intention of leaving his wife and he has promised that he cannot live his life without me in it and he wants to work things out. Should I cut my losses and move on with my life ? I am interested to hear from OW but also MM/ AP. I should also point out that there is a 20 year age gap between us (he is 20 years older than me) I was SOM and am much older than my ex-AP/MW. My take on what happened is, he got a great big dose of Happy Family over the holidays, and now feels the conflict big-time, probably for the first time at that level of intensity. (This assumes, of course, that he is not a serial cheater, but merely a guy who has followed the path of an enticing interest (you) outside his marriage for whatever reason.) He is entering the conflicted MM phase. When ex-AP/MW made a similar turn in our relationship, she described what was causing this and what she was feeling when this change came to her, as the relationship between us had become suddenly real to her in the contrasts, and no longer just some fantasy. It is a perilous time and the general outcomes as described all over LS are not pretty. Hurt in store for all. Safeguard your heart. May be some rough seas ahead.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 The holidays are a time for families to be close. Like it or not, he is going to be close with his family particularly during these times. That is part of the package. That said, he may warm up again - he may not but the holiday time may have had him wondering how he is going to break it to you that he is not going to leave a lifetime of emotional/financial/family ties with someone else for someone he has only been seeing for six months. I'm not being judgmental or mean - just realistic. You are he are at very different places in your life. I'm sure you bring out a side of him that he hasn't known in a while, and I'm certain he likes it, but as much as he likes it - it does not mean he wants to divorce his wife. He will tell you that for as long as you will believe it because he does not want to lose what he has with you. "Til my kid finished school" is simply a way to buy time. The more you push for him to leave, the more distant he will become. If you like what you have, then stop questioning it or trying to make it more than it is. If he was closer to your age and little less entrenched in a long term marriage, and not going 'distant' on you it might be different - but I have little doubt given those things that he is not going to be willing to start all over again with someone after putting in a lifetime with someone else. Are you being played for a fool? Not deliberately, I'm sure. Yes, he loves you from what you have said. Yes, he wants to be with you. But... like a lot of men in his position, that isn't going to change the fact that he will not leave his family or change that status quo for you. He already gets the best without having to leave his family: ie, a double life which you are enabling him to do - so why would he change things if he doesn't have to? Be happy with what you have, or push for more and make him and yourself miserable, with him eventually ending things - your choice.
Author jessyj Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 It's to your advantage to plan (in your mind) an exit. Do you mean carry on in the A but have an exit strategy just in case ?
Author jessyj Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 I was SOM and am much older than my ex-AP/MW. My take on what happened is, he got a great big dose of Happy Family over the holidays, and now feels the conflict big-time, probably for the first time at that level of intensity. He is entering the conflicted MM phase. Thank you for your advice. That was exactly what I was fearing but I needed a dose of reality. He does assure me that nothing has changed and he could not wait to be back with me but I guess you have to trust your intuition in these situations. I can protect myself from here on in and I hate myself for feeling that its like a competition between me and his wife for his affection.
greengoddess Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 If you are planning on him leaving when his son graduates don't count on it. If his son is going away for college that is a very scary time for teens and they need the security of their family together when they are going to be away from home for the first time. Leaving right after graduation would be the worse possible time for him to leave. Have you discussed with him if he ever plans to divorce?
Author jessyj Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 I'm not being judgmental or mean - just realistic. You are he are at very different places in your life. I'm sure you bring out a side of him that he hasn't known in a while, and I'm certain he likes it, but as much as he likes it - it does not mean he wants to divorce his wife.QUOTE] I think the age difference is a deciding factor in his decision to leave(if there is any conflicting decision) You are right why would he leave a long term marraige to be with someone 20 years younger than him. I cannot offer him the same kind of life he has with his wife.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I hate myself for feeling that its like a competition between me and his wife for his affection. The more you can put this thought out of your mind, the better off you will be for it. You aren't competing with his wife. You are coexisting with her.
Author jessyj Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Have you discussed with him if he ever plans to divorce? I have discussed this with him. He said he would leave his wife right now if he could but he worries about leaving his son at this time. He also worries about his sons reaction to the divorce as they are very close and he could not handle his son not speaking to him. I have not put pressure on him as we have only been in a relationship for 6 months but he knows I will not carry on in this A any longer if he has not intention of divorcing in the next year.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Yeah... at this point, I'd say you definitely want to have your exit strategy in place. If you are planning on holding him to divorcing, you will want to hold yourself to the firm resolve of walking away if he doesn't.
greengoddess Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I have discussed this with him. He said he would leave his wife right now if he could but he worries about leaving his son at this time. He also worries about his sons reaction to the divorce as they are very close and he could not handle his son not speaking to him. I have not put pressure on him as we have only been in a relationship for 6 months but he knows I will not carry on in this A any longer if he has not intention of divorcing in the next year. I'm sorry. Honestly it won't happen if his kid is going away to college. Do you know what his plans are after graduation? He is still the same kid whether he has that diploma or not and kids need more reassurance that their family's there for them supporting them at college and that everything remains the same for them at home if they need it. MM love to give that magic date of when their kid is done school and honestly I think they believe it themselves until they realize how much a kid going off to college still needs their family.
desertIslandCactus Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Do you mean carry on in the A but have an exit strategy just in case ? No. I meant to condition yourself for an ending, and to walk away.
awkward Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 What do you think? Not what you hope. Do you think he is going to leave his family next year? Trust your gut here. Some men do leave, many don't. Next year you will be even more involved with him and may find it harder to let go. I hear you when you say that you will not stay in this affair if he doesn't divorce next year. If he doesn't divorce next year, please be careful. You could find yourself extending your deadline until before you know it years have passed by. By the time he really does leave (if he ever does), you may not even want him anymore. Also, spend some time thinking about what him leaving will look like. Among other things to consider, think about if he does leave, do you think there is a chance that he may try to keep you hidden so as not to upset his son? My advice is to end the affair now. Save yourself from the roller coaster of hurt that you are getting ready to ride. He isn't going to end his marriage until he is ready to do so, no matter how many excuses he gives you. Seriously, next year he might be asking you to wait just a little longer for his son to get settled in college and then just for him to finish out the year. Then it may be he needs to wait until he graduates, then until his son gets a job, marriage, grandchildren, etc. Some even get a new dog and wait for the dog to die. My point is if he isn't ready to leave there will always be an excuse. Are you strong enough to not buy the excuses, to not move your deadline? Last, are you okay with only having a part of him for the next year or so knowing he is going home to his wife who has no clue that he plans on leaving? Consider ending the affair now and telling him to look you up when the divorce is signed, he is through grieving his marriage, and when he will be okay introducing the woman he loves to his son.
siuys Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Cut your losses and run. You do not know what he will or will not do. I bet you he doesn't even know himself. You will save yourself a ton of heartache. Life with a MM will ALWAYS involve pain, but if you cut your losses and run, the pain will eventually dissipate.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Im looking for some non judgemental advice on my current situation. I have not been able to tell anyone my story due to the fact that I have been having an affair with a MM I am working with for the past 6 months. I am by no means naive and this A only began because I knew there was something very special between us. This is by no means a R based on S only. We firstly became friends and the R grew from there. Neither of us wanted to get into this situation but our feelings grew for one another. He currently works in a different state to his family and so he spends 4 nights a week living with me away from his family home. As you can imagine this feel likes a normal relationship in so many ways and I am extremely happy when we are together but when he leaves me at the weekends the gut wrenching guilt and insecurity sets in. He has told me there is no intimacy between him and his wife and this was the case long before we began our A. I know this is cliche and I should be a fool to believe it but I do. I am also assured that he loves me dearly and he has not left his wife to date because of his son who is currently in his last year of school. All throughout our A my MM has been very open and honest with me and I do believe his feelings are genuine. However over the christmas holidays he seemed far more distant with me and contact became less and less. When he returned to work this feeling remained and I cannot help but feel he is trying to push me away after he spent a large amount of time at home. He says his feelings have not changed but I suddenly feel worried and insecure. Is this a sign that the intimacy has returned in his relationship at home ? He contacts his wife daily and they seem to have a good friendship. He openly speaks to me about her but would not speak badly off her or his life. I am torn that I am now being played for a fool by this man who i love dearly and who has assured me is in love with me. i live in hope that he will leave his wife once his son finishes school and we can then make a life together. Am I living in a dream world ? I have told my MM that I cannot be with him if he has no intention of leaving his wife and he has promised that he cannot live his life without me in it and he wants to work things out. Should I cut my losses and move on with my life ? I am interested to hear from OW but also MM/ AP. I should also point out that there is a 20 year age gap between us (he is 20 years older than me) Sorry to say this, but a 6 month affair vs xx amount of years marriage to his wife and they had a child together. A life built, family entwined, inlaws etc. Plus the age difference. Does he want more kids? To start over, give up everything that he has? You two let this happen, let feelings grow. He wasn't so unhappy at home, it's just that he allowed himself to get close to another woman, allowed himself to have feelings so therefore that is why he's not leaving, he still loves his wife. He isn't going to throw away what he has for the unknown future. It honestly just sounds like he is interested in having an affair and really has no plans on leaving and divorcing his wife. When he is with you for those 4 days, does his wife call him? I'd say, cut your losses and move on. It'll hurt and you'll be in pain, but imagine going on like this for 2 or 3 years and still being in the affair and then having to end it and walk away? Right now it's only been 6 months.
Author jessyj Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 It honestly just sounds like he is interested in having an affair and really has no plans on leaving and divorcing his wife. When he is with you for those 4 days, does his wife call him? Thank you for this advice. My MM wife does contact him daily when we are together. I have heard their conversations at times and it is all very bland and just updating on lifes daily affairs. However he knows I find over hearing those conversations difficult so he does now go outside or move out of ear shot. He is leading a double life with me, living in a different state during the week and moving home to his family at weekends. He always tells me how he tried to compartmentalise his life to deal with the guilt but he cannot do that anymore because the lines are blurred. He assures me he missed me a great deal over the christmas holidays. Its a new year and a new me and you are right why would he give up a marraige and family for someone who is 20 years younger than him and he has only been in a relationship with for 6 months. I am fooling myself
anne1707 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I have heard their conversations at times and it is all very bland and just updating on lifes daily affairs. However he knows I find over hearing those conversations difficult so he does now go outside or move out of ear shot. The fact that you only hear bland details and do no hear him telling his wife he loves her or misses her is irrelevant. He may well have those feelings for her but he will not say those things in front of you because he would feel uncomfortable doing so for your sake and his wife's plus it would then show that what he tells you about his marriage and the reality are different.
Woman In Blue Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I am interested to hear from OW but also MM/ AP. I should also point out that there is a 20 year age gap between us (he is 20 years older than me) He sounds like page #4 of the Midlife Crisis Catalog. Some men get a Corvette, some get a Harley Davidson motorcycle, and some enter into an affair. This guy chose an affair. You do realize that it's an incredible ego stroke for him that he's got a woman half his age looking up at him with puppy dog eyes - right? And a woman half his wife's age without all the stretch marks and scars and things that living life puts on a woman's body as she gets older. You're kind of like a dip in the Fountain of Youth for him. He doesn't want to give up his marriage. It's comfortable for him, it's the center of his life, and it fits like an old shoe. Sure it's missing the sparks that they once had in the beginning - that's show life goes. You provide those sparks now, Jessy. You provide that excitement that's been long-gone due to everyday life and years and and years of history together. You provide that sexual excitement he experienced with his wife so many years ago which has now settled down into a comfortable routine. You provide all those things for him. What does his son graduating high school have to do with the price of corn, anyway? Does he somehow think that once the kid has his diploma in his hand, his father leaving their family is going to be less traumatic for him? That's ridiculous and it just sounds like one of the many excuses provided in the MM Handbook. Don't be surprised when Junior graduates high school and your MM is suddenly readjusting his "freedom" date to, "let me make sure my son is situated in college and doing ok, first." Then it will shift to, "I'm going to wait until he's finished his first year of college to make sure he's completely adapted to this new stage of his life." Before long, it will be Junior's second year of college - then his graduation from college, and on and on and on. You provide him with an exciting and fun life during the week when he's in town working - then he goes home to his real life on the weekend. I think it would be horribly naive to assume he's actually going to leave.
kuma Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 He is leading a double life with me, living in a different state during the week and moving home to his family at weekends. He always tells me how he tried to compartmentalise his life to deal with the guilt but he cannot do that anymore because the lines are blurred. He assures me he missed me a great deal over the christmas holidays. Its a new year and a new me and you are right why would he give up a marraige and family for someone who is 20 years younger than him and he has only been in a relationship with for 6 months. I am fooling myself jessy, he will continue his double life as long as you let him. You deserve better than he's treating you. It's a new year. I hope you'll stop accepting his excuses.
Ellin Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Im looking for some non judgemental advice on my current situation. I have not been able to tell anyone my story due to the fact that I have been having an affair with a MM I am working with for the past 6 months. I am by no means naive and this A only began because I knew there was something very special between us. This is by no means a R based on S only. We firstly became friends and the R grew from there. Neither of us wanted to get into this situation but our feelings grew for one another. He currently works in a different state to his family and so he spends 4 nights a week living with me away from his family home. As you can imagine this feel likes a normal relationship in so many ways and I am extremely happy when we are together but when he leaves me at the weekends the gut wrenching guilt and insecurity sets in. He has told me there is no intimacy between him and his wife and this was the case long before we began our A. I know this is cliche and I should be a fool to believe it but I do. I am also assured that he loves me dearly and he has not left his wife to date because of his son who is currently in his last year of school. All throughout our A my MM has been very open and honest with me and I do believe his feelings are genuine. However over the christmas holidays he seemed far more distant with me and contact became less and less. When he returned to work this feeling remained and I cannot help but feel he is trying to push me away after he spent a large amount of time at home. He says his feelings have not changed but I suddenly feel worried and insecure. Is this a sign that the intimacy has returned in his relationship at home ? He contacts his wife daily and they seem to have a good friendship. He openly speaks to me about her but would not speak badly off her or his life. I am torn that I am now being played for a fool by this man who i love dearly and who has assured me is in love with me. i live in hope that he will leave his wife once his son finishes school and we can then make a life together. Am I living in a dream world ? I have told my MM that I cannot be with him if he has no intention of leaving his wife and he has promised that he cannot live his life without me in it and he wants to work things out. Should I cut my losses and move on with my life ? I am interested to hear from OW but also MM/ AP. I should also point out that there is a 20 year age gap between us (he is 20 years older than me) Jessy, I'm sure that he loves you but in this situation he probably feels very torn. I don't know if he'll divorce his W or not. Some MM do, others don't. He might leave her and be with you when he promised or might take longer, perhaps much longer, or never do it. But I know one thing - leaving his family will be a very difficult thing for him and he will go through a very tough time trying to do it and maybe succeeding or maybe not - and it will be equally difficult for you to see him in pain over his decision. And it's not because he doesn't love you, but because there are many strong ties that attach him to his family, even if intense romantic love like the one you two have isn't one of them. You can give it more time, if he is worth the gamble for you and if you're strong enough. But I don't think you were fooling yourself. You love him very much and would do anything to be with him and he told you he loves you the same, so it was fairly easy for you to believe that you can end up together. Don't feel like a fool because of that. No one knows if he's going to keep his promise but it's clear that it won't be easy for him. Take care.
Author jessyj Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Jessy, I'm sure that he loves you but in this situation he probably feels very torn. But I know one thing - leaving his family will be a very difficult thing for him and he will go through a very tough time trying to do it and maybe succeeding or maybe not - and it will be equally difficult for you to see him in pain over his decision. Thank you Ellin. I realise what a difficult decision it would be for him to leave and that is why I am willing to give him time to do this his way. I guess I just want some reassurance that we are moving forward and that he does intend to be with me. Maybe he does not have enough confidence in our relationship just yet to risk his marraige and family over. I know he loves me but I just hope our love is enough as I know I would be crushed if our R ended. I am willing to give him the support, space, time whatever he needs to get through this. But I don't think you were fooling yourself. You love him very much and would do anything to be with him and he told you he loves you the same, so it was fairly easy for you to believe that you can end up together. Don't feel like a fool because of that. This is a really refreshing outlook on my situation and thank you for your kind words and reassurance.
Author jessyj Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 He sounds like page #4 of the Midlife Crisis Catalog. Some men get a Corvette, some get a Harley Davidson motorcycle, and some enter into an affair. This guy chose an affair. Woman in Blue. I know I seem like a typical cliche but trust me I am not a stupid woman in the least and I would see through a man that was simply using me as part of a mid life crisis. There was a long struggle to ignore our mutual attraction to each before our A began and it was after a good deal of talking and restraint that we eventually fell into this. My MM has the fast car and the usual stuff that goes along with a midlife crisis but I see him struggle with his conscience and his feelings daily to know that this is not just simply an ego boost for him. He doesn't want to give up his marriage. It's comfortable for him, it's the center of his life, and it fits like an old shoe. Sure it's missing the sparks that they once had in the beginning - that's show life goes. You provide that sexual excitement he experienced with his wife so many years ago which has now settled down into a comfortable routine I am sure his marraige is very comfortable and I know that in most cases in a relationship the spark just goes at some point. Maybe I am completely naive but I would hate to think that I would end up in a relationship where there is absolutely no intimacy. I think a relationship without intimacy is purely a friendship. I may provide him with "sexual excitement" but there is far more depth to our relationship than just that. I would not become entangled in something so hurtful to all parties involved if it was purely for a sexual benefit. We live together during the week and act like a normal couple in most respects .... if that is possible.
BB07 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Jessy......no one here knows if the guy loves you or not and for anyone here to say that is ludicrous and will encourage you to hang on to something that the chances are ridiculously unlikely to happen. Besides........if the guy does love you is certainly no guarantee of him leaving the marriage. As others have pointed out, he has all this history with his wife and her family and he has a son, finances, a whole life......half a lifetime that it would be difficult to walk away from. Jessy......I'm not saying he won't leave, but I don't want to see you hurt more by hanging on to false hope. Read here.......and read other OW boards, most men do not leave. Don't look at your situation with rose colored glasses.....and if you insist on waiting it out, do a timeline and stick to it. If you let him keep you waiting, you will lose respect for yourself and you will suffer further pain and damage down the road.
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