theodora Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I'm driving myself crazy with this but I don't know how to stop. I don't know when and how I should let go of everything. I don't know when and how to be able to tell if he's deserving of my trust. I just don't know what's real and what my mind is warping. And sorry, BTW, I totally feel your pain. I am doing EXACTLY the same thing in my current relationship, and that is despite the fact that the man has told me he wants to marry me. If you're been hurt before, or disrespected before, then you are going to be scared and anxious again. I understand the red flag thing, and it's true, but sometimes having missed red flags before, we like to anticipate them before they are really there. Perhaps these are Amber Flags, 'stay alert'? Perhaps they are not red yet. You know? Give yourself, and him, a chance. This is what I am trying to do. And also, try to focus on how much you like HIM. Is he worth this much trouble? I think if you are insecure as a person, then you have to take responsibility for your insecurity, and not always put it down to the other person. But because of that, you also have to make a judgement about whether or not this relationship is worth putting yourself through it. Eg if this makes you feel better, I am exactly the kind of person who would keep checking a dating site after I met someone I really liked. I would do it because I was scared. And I would do it because I would want to be holding on to my independent state of mind. "I am the same person who can check out other people" I would say to myself. And then, after a while, I would get totally bored of checking out other people, and go hang out with my bf. Know what I mean? There are lots of reasons why he might be doing it. The best way to check out if you have a relationship worth keeping, is to tell him you've been stalking him, and see how he responds. Because if you're insecure as a person, you'll be better off with a man who is compassionate for that part of you, not judgemental of it. Hopefully he will laugh, and explain himself. Don't tell him about the secret profile though. Some things they just don't need to know
ecm Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 From what you are indicating, there is a waning in his level of treating you well. And I will elaborate. First, there is someone on this board, (wish I could remember whom) who has a saying, "We TEACH people how to treat us". Terribly true. If we do not DEMAND a certain level of respect from people, they rarely will give it to us on an ongoing basis. It is human nature to start taking people for granted, and you have to make people toe the line. This applies to platonic and work relationships as well. Your insecurity comes through in your posting and I am SURE it has not escaped his notice and this plays to his advantage. He is able to keep you just a bit off balance to his advantage. These are disrespectful signs and should be addressed: you text, he does not respond. You CALL, and then he decreases the level of contact by EMAILing a response. He DOWNGRADES a date by not picking you up and wanting to just meet up. You should not tolerate this. You just have to straight up make statements to him, do not be shy, be BLUNT. I can't tell you how to script this, but I would NOT tolerate such treatment. For example, you could say something like, "I am not comfortable with the direction this relationship is headed. I am not your buddy, nor I do not wish to be treated as such. If you want to go out with me, you CALL me, you PICK me up. If that is too much TROUBLE, "I", note, "I" (NOT HIM) will have to reconsider whether I want to continue to date you." You cannot lose by upping the ante. If he does not want to man up, good to know now and cut your losses and not waste any more time on him. I see red flags, trust yourself, you see them too. That is why your subconscious is making you feel anxious. AMEN, sister!
BobSacamento Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 How do I subtly let him know that I'm doing that? I just don't know what to believe anymore. In my last LTR, I missed tons of obvious red flags and he did a lot of stuff behind my back near the end of the relationship. I just don't want to get screwed over again. Looking back at the past couple of months with my current guy, I have been overanalyzing everything. Why didn't he respond to my text? Why did he email me this time instead of calling? Why did we meet at a place instead of him picking me up? After almost every date, I start mentally criticizing myself over my choice of words, actions, etc and then I always think that he's going to lose interest because of that. I'm driving myself crazy with this but I don't know how to stop. I don't know when and how I should let go of everything. I don't know when and how to be able to tell if he's deserving of my trust. I just don't know what's real and what my mind is warping. I think you need to face the fact that he wants you to think it's exclusive but he doesn't want to act exclusive. How did you come to the understanding of being exclusive? Was it after a "talk"? I believe some things should progress with transparent actions that reflect sincere intentions. I wouldn't call it a lost cause I would say you need to slow it down and give this clown a reality check.
D-Lish Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I'd have to say it is a red flag that he's still logging in. I don't see a distinction between being exclusive and being bf/gf- both titles mean you aren't looking to date anyone else. If he's still logging in and spending time on the site, he's either checking mail, corresponding with someone, or sending messages.
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