SandyFall Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Here's the backstory: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258955/ Briefly, we've been dating for a couple of months and we've agreed to be exclusive but we're not boyfriend/girlfriend yet because he likes to take things slowly. For the record, he told me that on our first couple of dates. We met via Okcupid. He had only had an account for a couple of weeks until he messaged me. I was the first girl and so far only girl that he's met from that site. I don't log onto the dating website anymore, but my account is still active and my profile is still up. I will not take it down until we are "official." He also still has his profile up. However, he still occasionally logs onto the website. The reason why I know this is because I have a secret account for this purpose. It had been almost 2 weeks since he logged on so I thought maybe he stopped. However, earlier today he was logged on OKC for a LONG time. Ugh this really worries me that he's getting tired of me and shopping around for new girls. Things seemed to be fine and normal on our last date together but now I'm really worried. Am I reading too much into this? Or is this a red flag?
GooseChaser Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 One good reason to log in while exclusive is to look at the other person's profile, which I don't think you can see while logged out. I've done that a few times. Someone might also do that to look at messages that people have sent to them. There's no way to know without asking the person, though. Anyway, my point is that it doesn't have to be a bad sign. It's a good thing that he isn't logging in regularly.
Author SandyFall Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 When we started dating, I did notice that when he logged into OKC he would view my profile. But since I no longer log on with my real account, I have no idea if he's still doing that. I do recall him mentioning to me, after we had the exclusive talk and after I stopped logging on, that he logged onto OKC. All he said was that he read our emails. Obviously he could have been doing more than that but that's all he told me. But now I can't bring up the subject because if he has been checking my profile to see if I'm logging on, he will wonder how I found out about this situation. Like I said, our last date was just like all of our other dates. But I'm always worried that he's going to change his mind overnight...which is what I'm worried about now.
jenifer1972 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 He's checking out other women for sure. What you can't tell, is how seriously
january2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 he still occasionally logs onto the website. The reason why I know this is because I have a secret account for this purpose. You created a secret account to check if he's logging in? Or you created a secret account to login without his knowledge? Or both? To be fair, if you're logging in and so is he - doesn't that raise red flags for both of you?
dave22 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Yeah, I have to agree with the last post. The fact you have a secret account to spy on him seems to suggest he isn't the only one with a problem in this relationship.
zengirl Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 What is his status? If his looking for says "Friends" and his profile says "Seeing Someone," I wouldn't worry. However, if you are exclusive and it doesn't, I'd see it as a red flag, especially if he's logging in---that means he didn't just forget.
oaks Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 However, he still occasionally logs onto the website. The reason why I know this is because I have a secret account for this purpose. You're concerned that he's logging in. Would he be concerned that you're logging in secretly and spying on him? Is this what you would do with any guy you were exclusive with just to check on them or is there something about this guy that made you suspicious? (I don't really need to know the answers to those questions, but at least answer them to yourself.) You might be able to resolve all of this by talking to him because if you're exclusive then I don't see any problem with you asking him if he still uses dating sites or if he's hidden his profile (or set it to "seeing someone" or adding to his description that he's currently in a relationship or whatever), and perhaps even asking him to do this if he hasn't already. You'll have to do the same with your profile if you haven't already. I know some people really do use OKC for more than finding dates - perhaps he's reading journals, taking those silly tests, and politely replying "sorry i'm seeing someone now" to emails he gets from girls. So if he says he's still logging in it might not be an issue (once he sets his profile to "seeing someone" etc). You could either have this talk tonight, or save it for next time you're talking about moving on from "exclusive" and towards "boyfriend/girlfriend", but if it's a big worry then talk sooner rather than later.
Author SandyFall Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 What is his status? If his looking for says "Friends" and his profile says "Seeing Someone," I wouldn't worry. However, if you are exclusive and it doesn't, I'd see it as a red flag, especially if he's logging in---that means he didn't just forget.Nope, he hasn't changed his status... You created a secret account to check if he's logging in? Or you created a secret account to login without his knowledge? Or both? Yeah, I have to agree with the last post. The fact you have a secret account to spy on him seems to suggest he isn't the only one with a problem in this relationship. You're concerned that he's logging in. Would he be concerned that you're logging in secretly and spying on him? Is this what you would do with any guy you were exclusive with just to check on them or is there something about this guy that made you suspicious? (I don't really need to know the answers to those questions, but at least answer them to yourself.)I'll elaborate on my secret account. I created it when I made my actual profile, which was a long time ago. Whenever I would date a guy, I would use that secret account to see if they were logging in so that way they wouldn't be able to tell that I was obsessively checking their profile. In other words, I've used it for every guy, not just the current one. In all honesty he has not done anything that would make me suspicious. He's always stayed true to his word. He is a blunt and honest person and he said that if he did lose interest in me, he would verbally let me know rather than flaking out and going NC. A few hours after he logged on yesterday, he called me to ask if I wanted to go see a symphony performance this evening. But now I'm overanalyzing it. Why just the performance? Why not dinner, too? Does he want to go to the performance so he has an excuse not to talk to me during the date? See, my mind is all messed up. I don't want to go looking for trouble if there's none but at the same time, I don't want to miss the red flags like I did in past relationships. How do I balance this? Any advice?
january2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 ^^^ Seconded. In your own words, you realise that he's not given you any cause to react the way that you have, everything that you've mentioned is down to how your mind is over-processing the information and your (in)ability to trust him. I suggest talking in general terms about the dating site and then see where the conversation takes you.
hopesndreams Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Message him from your secret account. Maybe he'll ask her out on a date.
Banker Chick Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 This is one of the few reasons I hate online dating. There's just too much to overanalyze! You can either ask him about it or let the relationship just play out how it will. As a veteran of online dating I can tell you I would log in just out of boredom, because a friend (yes, just an online friend only) would message me, because I wanted to view my SO's profile again, because I was showing his profile and pics to others, etc. Most of the time it was purely innocent. Also, I would periodically log in and then get pulled away to do something else and not log out, making it look as if I was "active" that whole time. I understand how hard it is. My boyfriend and I met on POF and dated for 10 mos and then broke up. For the 4 months we were broken up we both had active dating profiles. We ended up getting back together a month or so ago and finally just deleted our profiles. It takes everything I have in me to not search and make sure he doesn't have another profile. At some point you have to let go of insecurities and control.
BobSacamento Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 You are building this relationship on a very solid foundation. /sarcasm
jenifer1972 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I don't know why some posters are giving you grief for not totally trusting this guy. It is a jungle and shark tank out there in the dating world, especially with people on dating sites, who often are dating and stringing along several people at once. If you don't have friends in common who can vouch for him, you really don't know him at all, and there is NO reason to let your guard down and totally trust him at this point, no matter how 'nice' he may seem. Just keep your eyes open, and don't completely fall for him till you know he is worthy of your trust. Also, from your posts I get the impression that he is calling all the shots, deciding that now you are 'exclusive' but not GF/BF yet. Like as if he is pondering whether you are 'worthy enough'. You need to turn these tables a bit and let him subtely know that you are assessing him also to see if he is 'worthy' of being your BF. It is not just about HIM deciding about YOU.
Author SandyFall Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Also, from your posts I get the impression that he is calling all the shots, deciding that now you are 'exclusive' but not GF/BF yet. Like as if he is pondering whether you are 'worthy enough'. You need to turn these tables a bit and let him subtely know that you are assessing him also to see if he is 'worthy' of being your BF. It is not just about HIM deciding about YOU.How do I subtly let him know that I'm doing that? I just don't know what to believe anymore. In my last LTR, I missed tons of obvious red flags and he did a lot of stuff behind my back near the end of the relationship. I just don't want to get screwed over again. Looking back at the past couple of months with my current guy, I have been overanalyzing everything. Why didn't he respond to my text? Why did he email me this time instead of calling? Why did we meet at a place instead of him picking me up? After almost every date, I start mentally criticizing myself over my choice of words, actions, etc and then I always think that he's going to lose interest because of that. I'm driving myself crazy with this but I don't know how to stop. I don't know when and how I should let go of everything. I don't know when and how to be able to tell if he's deserving of my trust. I just don't know what's real and what my mind is warping.
jenifer1972 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 From what you are indicating, there is a waning in his level of treating you well. And I will elaborate. First, there is someone on this board, (wish I could remember whom) who has a saying, "We TEACH people how to treat us". Terribly true. If we do not DEMAND a certain level of respect from people, they rarely will give it to us on an ongoing basis. It is human nature to start taking people for granted, and you have to make people toe the line. This applies to platonic and work relationships as well. Your insecurity comes through in your posting and I am SURE it has not escaped his notice and this plays to his advantage. He is able to keep you just a bit off balance to his advantage. These are disrespectful signs and should be addressed: you text, he does not respond. You CALL, and then he decreases the level of contact by EMAILing a response. He DOWNGRADES a date by not picking you up and wanting to just meet up. You should not tolerate this. You just have to straight up make statements to him, do not be shy, be BLUNT. I can't tell you how to script this, but I would NOT tolerate such treatment. For example, you could say something like, "I am not comfortable with the direction this relationship is headed. I am not your buddy, nor I do not wish to be treated as such. If you want to go out with me, you CALL me, you PICK me up. If that is too much TROUBLE, "I", note, "I" (NOT HIM) will have to reconsider whether I want to continue to date you." You cannot lose by upping the ante. If he does not want to man up, good to know now and cut your losses and not waste any more time on him. I see red flags, trust yourself, you see them too. That is why your subconscious is making you feel anxious.
carhill Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Since you and he like stages, like 'exclusive dating partners' and 'boyfriend/girlfriend', stick 'remove dating profiles' in between those two 'stages'. 'Since I'm dating you exclusively and having sex with you, I'm not interested in considering any other potentials and I think taking down our dating profiles is a healthy idea at this point. How do you feel about that?'
Author SandyFall Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 These are disrespectful signs and should be addressed: you text, he does not respond. You CALL, and then he decreases the level of contact by EMAILing a response. He DOWNGRADES a date by not picking you up and wanting to just meet up. You should not tolerate this.I'll post a longer response later because I'm headed out the door but I do want to clarify some things that I mentioned: The not responding to a text happened only one time, and it was after the first date. I sent him a text thanking him again for a nice night and that I was looking forward to seeing him again. He didn't send a response that night so I took it to mean he didn't want to see me again. In regards to calling/emailing... What I meant was one time he called me to set up a date. For the next date, he emailed me to set up the date. It wasn't like I called him and then he emailed a response. I don't know if any of this makes a difference but I just wanted to make sure that you have the facts of the situation. I also want to note that he probably has initiated at least 70% of all our dates, meaning he is the one to ask me if I want to hang out. It's not that I don't want to initiate anything, he just always beats me to it. Sometimes I worry if that makes me look like I'm uninterested...
jenifer1972 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Since you and he like stages, like 'exclusive dating partners' and 'boyfriend/girlfriend', stick 'remove dating profiles' in between those two 'stages'. 'Since I'm dating you exclusively and having sex with you, I'm not interested in considering any other potentials and I think taking down our dating profiles is a healthy idea at this point. How do you feel about that?' HaHa ! Love it! Only someone who's been around the block as much as we have could come up with that! Again, do not let him DOWNGRADE the level of contact with you. Emailing for a date. NOT OK if you want to be taken seriously...
carhill Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 IMO, other than incidental contact, e.g. 'hey babe, ten minutes late, sorry!', e-mail and text have no place in dating or relationships when communicating relationship-related thoughts and feelings. That's a firm boundary with me.
zengirl Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 IMO, other than incidental contact, e.g. 'hey babe, ten minutes late, sorry!', e-mail and text have no place in dating or relationships when communicating relationship-related thoughts and feelings. That's a firm boundary with me. I think texting is great for setting up dates. Don't mind email either for that. Anything logistics really. But I agree that it's bad for anything with feelings involved. To me, time and place (setting up a date) are more about logistics than feelings.
theodora Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Message him from your secret account. Maybe he'll ask her out on a date. I did this once when I met a guy online. I made a whole secret profile and filled it with loads of really weird over the top stuff about how I wanted to meet a man who lived round the corner and would join me in my church choir. I said that my hobbies were "reading" and "books" and "reading books" and "literature". Stuff which I knew he had nothing in common with and would find a total turn off. Then I put a picture of an attractive blonde as my profile pic and viewed his profile so he would notice my fake. The guy 'winked' at my fake profile. I was gutted. Not just because he winked at someone else, but because he obviously didn't care what the content of the profile was, he just looked at the blonde and thought "yeah". I feel your pain. I hate social/dating networking. It is nothing but grief.
carhill Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Setting up logistics of a date via e-mail/text is fine, e.g., on the phone 'would you like to go out Friday night? ......Sure'.....Hey, do you know where xxx is? I can meet you there. .....No... No problem, I'll e-mail you the google map directions' The e-mail is the logistics. The person-to-person is the asking out. That's the difference for me. YMMV.
FreeheartLover Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I think it's natural to be curious. That's why we look at anyone of the opposite sex. Online dating is just another medium for people to look at eachother. I met my current boyfriend of two months on a dating site, and I have quickly peeked at my account since then, but no long-time scoping. It's like being friends with your exes on facebook. You feel a little bit guilty, but you're not really doing anything wrong at the same time.
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