lovalove Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I’m a 27yr old married woman and I have been married for 6 years. I met my husband when I was 18 yrs and he was 26yrs. We dated throughout my college years and we got married right after I graduated. I had never dated anyone until my husband. When we got married, I was unemployed and my husband felt I was neglectful of him because my only interest was finding a job at the time. After one year of marriage, my husband engaged in an emotional affair with another woman. He talked with her online and met her for a few dates, but nothing sexual. He later came clean to me and apologized and stated that he would never create on me again. I was hurt, but I forgave him and we moved on. One year later into our marriage, my husband stated that he was bored in our marriage and I agreed. I later obtained a job and I met an attractive man. I told my husband that I found someone attractive at work and for some odd reason my husband found this fantasizing and encouraged me to pursue this interest. I did and I engaged in an affair with this man with the permission of my husband. After the affair, my husband later stated that he was hurt that I really went through with the affair but he forgave me and we moved on yet again. The subject of bored came up again and my husband wanted to try an open relationship. I was a little apprehensive to the idea, but I later agreed because I looked up to my husband and I thought that this could bring closure to my emptiness and curiosity of dating someone else since I had never dated before. I met a man that I totally fell in love with. We shared intimate time and conversations together. I had never experienced such a feeling for a man before but I still loved my husband because he was my best friend and the only person who knew me. My husband engaged in his affair but later got very jealous of me because he could see that I was falling in love with another man. He later said that he no longer wanted the open relationship and demanded that I stop seeing my lover. I initially stopped my relationship, but the loneness and emptiness was all that I could handle and I secretly started seeing my lover. I know I was wrong and I regret every moment but I was in the feeling of in love and I couldn’t resist. My lover knew I was married and he was getting tired of the way things were in the relationship and he ended or relationship leaving me depressed and wondering why I allowed myself to do these things to hurt myself and my husband. My husband agreed to work on or marriage, but I felt like he really wasn’t there because he agreed to go to counseling but it was like he was there physically but not mentally. I tried hard to work on my marriage and myself but I found myself still longing for the relationship I once had. I stared another relationship with someone new and my husband knew that I started this relationship and he agreed to allow me to see this person. As I was started to see this person, my husband was upset and stated that we needed a separation. We separated briefly and I continued my relationship with this knew person. Everything was great and it was nice to have someone that I could talk to and connect with. I felt that I could make positive changes in my life and try to work on being in a committed relationship with someone. During our separation, my husband and I rarely communicated and I felt like this would be the end of our marriage. My husband one day stated that he wanted to work on our marriage again and he apologized for his encouragement of this behavior. I stated that I needed more time to think things through because I was confused about marriage and what I wanted. My husband was persistent and was trying his best to make things work. I wasn’t ready yet, so he took things into his own hands and he contacted my new boyfriend and told him things about me and demanded that he stop seeing me. Of course the relationship ended and I found myself angry and confused. My friend tried to tell me that my husband was right for contacted my boyfriend and that this was a measure to show me how much he’s in love with me and wants to make things work. With the advice of my friends, I went back to my marriage and found out that my husband had an affair while we were separated and one week after I returned. Currently, I feel like I’m lost and confused because now I’m with my husband who I care deeply for but I feel empty and still lonely. I also feel like I have no control because my husband monitors everything I do from the phone calls and texts I make to tracking my every move. He states that he loves me and wants to protect me, but I feel violated and controlled. I have demanded that this behavior stop, but he refuses. As most of this behavior is behind us, we still occasionally have the boredom talk from time to time, but he states that he wants us to work and he doesn’t want anyone else to come between us. I love my husband, but the more and more I stay married the more I feel empty, lonely, confused, and angry. I know that I was wrong for my behavior and I’m not making excuses and I regret all of my actions, but I was wondering if there is hope for my marriage. I’m currently in counseling trying to understand why I behaved the way I did and how to prevent these behaviors in the future. I have really taken steps to try to make my marriage work, but I still feel resentment towards my husband. I have asked my husband to join me in counseling and he refuses so I go alone hoping that he will chose to later join me. Am I overacting for wanting him to stop checking up on me and following me? Is he right for doing this to me? Can my marriage be saved or will this all repeat itself again? Is it worth fighting for or should I just get separated? My husband states that he loves me and really wants us to get past this. A part of me does but I’m emotionally tired and scared of the outcome. Could I actually be happy with someone else or single?
Lovinhimlovinher Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I live an open marriage life. I have a friend who was also in an open marriage. In her case they would play with other couples and he could sleep with anyone he wanted cause if he thought she wouldn't let him he would just sneak around. He always gave her permission to go out with other guys but would then get mad at her for doing it. He was doing this so that he would have all of the power and she would feel guilty enough to work harder to make HIM happy. This marriage will never work. It is like when someone constantly accuses their spouse of cheating when they aren't. It is because they themselves are cheating and need someone else to put the spot light on. How would your husband like it if you started going through all of his messages? Just like my friend your husband will not go to counseling. Why do you think that is? Could it be because if he went then his indiscretions would come up and he would realize he no longer has control? I hope I am wrong but I can't see how you living in this situation will ever work in the long run. You have done things that make him unable to trust you but so has he. With out trust what does the marriage really have?
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