kalena9488 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 we finally broke up and my BF moved out. It's been a hard two years but now all I can think about was the good times. He moved on on Xmas day I'm sure to make it more dramatic but it really had no affect on me. In my opinion he has addiction problems with drugs (mainly pot) and alcohol. Once I discovered this at about 5 months into the relationship (pot) he told me he would stop because I don't do this and dont support it as well. But over the 19 months he just kept on and I kept finding it and he kept lying that it wasn't his and he kept promising that he'd stop and he never did. Then there is the moeny issues. He doesn't make much money as he has 3 kids that he pays child support on and he has lived with me since the four month mark and I paid for pretty much everything including stuff when his kids came down etc. I guess I'm just stressing! He keeps wanting us to try and work it out and says how much he loves me and how he has determined to quit smoking pot etc. But I just don't think I'll ever trust him again. I love him and am afraid to even start looking for someone else or really don't even know if I want to.
cerridwen Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 (edited) Don't go looking for someone else. Why not take a break to breathe between men? Get clear in your head about what you want. It's okay to have standards. You gave him time to quit the weed, right? You gave him over a year. That he can't, or won't, signifies a real problem. You can love somebody but you don't have to tie your future to that person. Do you imagine the future if things were to stay how they are? Truth be told, little is likely to change if they haven't already. You wrote that he "keeps wanting us to try and work it out." What is he prepared to do then in measurable terms? Ask, set deadlines, hold him to it and also create a plan of action for yourself should he let you down again. Edited January 9, 2011 by cerridwen
Author kalena9488 Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 I did give him 16 months to stop the weed. Everytime I found something he would always explain it away and was so convincing I believed him almost every time. Plus I wanted to believe him...I loved him! Once in a while he would confess then swear he was going to stop but I'd find something else. He used to always blame things on his buddy and I got to the point where I said something to the buddy about bringing that stuff around my house etc. Oh well, you're right about me taking time for me I'm trying to do that as far as going to the gym, eating right and trying to put a little faith back into my life. As I said he's trying to tell me we could work things out and I could trust him again someday but I can't see how. It's not like this is the first time. Plus like you said have something measureable. I had a hard time knowing when he lived with me I will really have a hard time knowing now that he doesn't. It's just time to move on. But he keeps calling me and it's very hard for me not to take his calls. I can be real strong for a long time and then something happens and all my logic and NC goes out the window.
Graceful Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 In my opinion he has addiction problems with drugs (mainly pot) and alcohol. Once I discovered this at about 5 months into the relationship (pot) he told me he would stop because I don't do this and dont support it as well. But over the 19 months he just kept on he kept promising that he'd stop and he never did. Then there is the money issues. He doesn't make much money as he has 3 kids that he pays child support on and he has lived with me since the four month mark and I paid for pretty much everything including stuff when his kids came down etc. Do you know what co-dependency is? Have you had anyone tell you this or ever say this to you in the two years you were together? His primary relationship is with the alcohol and pot. Not with you. He loves alcohol more than he loves you or anyone else. All of his thinking is clouded, he does not know who he is unless he is high and he has not made any attempts to stop. If he were to stop, he would need help. He can't stop. You willingly helped him with financial favors, that was your choice, but he probably can't make it on his own now, and misses the financial help, and you probably feel guilty he is struggling. All part of co-dependency. You tried to "fix" him, wanted him to change, hoped he would change, trust him to change. Did he change? Nope. And he won't. Not for you, or anyone else. If he changes, it's going to be a commitment to himself and it's a long process, not an event when he magically says he's changed. If he wanted to try again at all, he'd need at least six months to a year of complete sobriety. And I would not wait around if I were you. love him and am afraid to even start looking for someone else or really don't even know if I want toThe cure for your misery is not another relationship. It's not. You need to get this man and all of your issues out of your system. Get some professional help regarding your co-dependent tendencies, or you run the risk of getting yourself into another relationship just like this one. Also, attend some Al-Anon meetings, they are free and you can find information on the web and find some local meetings. You need support to help unravel why you are feeling this way, much of which is caused by living with someone with a substance abuse problem. I wish you the best. Take care.
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