Jump to content
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

  • Author
Posted
Wow. Just Wow. Did you even READ the original post? HE cheated on her. With HER Best Friend. Of whom HE then Replaced HER with in HER home, with HER things, and destroyed HER pets. Sorry, but HE is the one who made the marriage INVALID the FIRST time he decided to stick it to someone else. HE berated HER and made HER feel like she was useless. ANY abuse INVALIDATES a marriage as well IMHO.

 

She is finally picking herself up and getting on with her life. It has been a bloody YEAR, and he is NOT making it easy on her. Seriously, WTF?!?

 

So I guess that I am a harlot as well. Oh bloody well. The only thing left in my marriage is the signing of the papers. Oh, but my flcking X is in the mflcking Penitentiary Where I Put Him for the next 6 years. Why you ask? Because I found out he was sexually abusing our 16 year old daughter for the last 13 f*cking years. Do I feel beholden to that piece of paper? Not in the least!!! Nor should she.

 

Ohhhh. I am so angry right now, that I am just going to stop. :mad:

 

lol sweetie calm...wooosssaaa:) I have a vague understanding from his posts that his ex wife cheated on him and got pregnant with another man. Therefor I think HE might be the one who needs to deal with HIS issues instead of being accusatory towards other females. Maybe counciling is in need for him as well. Opinions are like *********s, and some peoples stink. Seems to be the case here. Thank you for defending me though:)

Posted

Wow remind me not to piss either one of you two off lol.

Posted

Ok, little calmer now - LOL. Sorry, but it just infuriates me when people spout off before thinking, and projecting their own issues onto others. When it comes to any form of abuse, I do tend to get a wee bit on the defensive :p. I guess it is just one of those things that when you have been through it, you GET IT and just want everyone else to as well (and if they don't, beat them senseless until they do!!!)

 

People come onto forums like this to get help, and/or to vent. Not to be 'scolded' like children. And you my dear, are doing a wonderful job defending yourself. (thought you said you 'lost' that strong woman - NOT :D)

Posted

OMFG I used to be with the female version of your husband Abrewersbaby! :p

 

Same story, my EX-of-7-years was having an affair with a MM who *WAS* my best friend. He was married and had a pregnant wife at home. The night I caught them red-handed on our deck late at night we had been at a dinner party at my EX-good-friends house. It has to be the most painful experience of my life to have two people I cared for deeply to betray me like that. So I know what you are feeling.

 

Today, 6 months later, MM is still with his wife and newborn, and my EX and MM deny everything. They have painted me as the psycho EX who "made it all up!" Yup that's me, I guess I was just bored one night and decided to drop a grenade into my life and frame my EX and best friend.. silly me huh? :rolleyes:

 

Anyhow I bailed with my clothes, computer, and car 4 days later. Left everything else behind. So I DEFINITELY know how tough it is to be thrown under a bus by a best friend and the person you loved.

 

Anyhow here's what has happened. Your husband has poisoned your mind, and now it is sick. Therapy will help you to remove the poison. That is why you feel the way you do. Forget what other posters are saying about you "cheating" and forget that low-life porn-addicted money-wasting husband who cheated on you with your EX good friend. It's all about you now. File for divorce and seek therapy to help you remove the poison he put there.

 

Tell your new guy that he has to be patient and understanding... and if he is the "real deal" he will be. If he doesn't it's not meant to be.

 

It's that simple.

 

I still have nightmares about the entire ordeal and can believe MM, his wife and my EX have made me out as the "bad guy" in all this. They all party together like I never existed in that world for 7 years. It really really hurts. But I can't change them, only me. So that is now my focus. Make it yours too.

 

Best of luck... (((big hug))) You'll make it! :)

Posted

do not rush into this new thing. it feels incredible to have that back after going so long without it, I know this from personal experience, but i also know what jealousy can do to a relationship if it's left unresolved.

 

go for that counseling. jealously is a form of mistrust, and a relationship cannot work unless both of you trust each other completely. my wife's jealously did not break things between us, but I believe it did form a lot of the cracks where the water got in, if you follow my meaning.

 

every time she accused me of looking at another girl it was like her telling me, no matter what lengths I went through to prove to her that I loved her, I was lying. why? she didn't like what she saw when she looked in the mirror. It sounds very similar to what you're going through.

 

nobody but you can make you feel good about yourself. and nobody can take that away from you, either, unless you let them. be strong, look forward, and best of luck.

 

cheers!

Posted
Youre right, I couldve been divorced IF I agreed to take on 1/2 of the debt he accumulated from cheating on me and his stripper habit. After being a housewife for 4 years and not working...Sorry, not happening. Im sorry but I find it appalling that you would compare me to such a disgusting excuse for a spouse. By getting involved with another man while still legally married (although separated for over a YEAR) Im TAKING CONTROL BACK, Im doing something for me which is something I did not do for many years. Separation obviously does mean something or why would it even be a legal term? Marriage at this point is just a legality, nothing more than a piece of paper that im trying my HARDEST to get nullified. What if you met the love of your life while you were going through your divorce? Are you supposed to just let that person pass you by because you have no control over the court system and cant get your divorce finalized-at no fault of your own-despite your efforts? Explain to me how that ISNT giving him the control...

 

Still cheating. If you're married and messing with someone else it's still cheating. I'm sorry you're refusing to recognize your flaws. Good luck.

Posted
Wow. Just Wow. Did you even READ the original post? HE cheated on her. With HER Best Friend. Of whom HE then Replaced HER with in HER home, with HER things, and destroyed HER pets. Sorry, but HE is the one who made the marriage INVALID the FIRST time he decided to stick it to someone else. HE berated HER and made HER feel like she was useless. ANY abuse INVALIDATES a marriage as well IMHO.

 

She is finally picking herself up and getting on with her life. It has been a bloody YEAR, and he is NOT making it easy on her. Seriously, WTF?!?

 

So I guess that I am a harlot as well. Oh bloody well. The only thing left in my marriage is the signing of the papers. Oh, but my flcking X is in the mflcking Penitentiary Where I Put Him for the next 6 years. Why you ask? Because I found out he was sexually abusing our 16 year old daughter for the last 13 f*cking years. Do I feel beholden to that piece of paper? Not in the least!!! Nor should she.

 

Ohhhh. I am so angry right now, that I am just going to stop. :mad:

 

Having an revenge affair is not picking yourself up. Going for divorce and healing the wounds caused by the cheating spouse is picking yourself up. You're right about her husband. He killed it first and as I said before she should've divorced him and went after him financially after him disrespecting her and destroying the marriage. Sorry about your daughter and I hope she gets better.

Posted

Distant has a right to their opinion even if people don't agree with it (I don't).

 

Usually I am pretty morally black-and-white but in this case I would do the same thing you are. I don't know how the finances of your new man are, but you might be able to see how a "fault" divorce works in your state. Find out if lawyer consultations are free.

 

Its worth a shot to try and get the D over and done with. Once all that mess is settled then you are free to be married to your new man when the time comes!:)

Posted

While it is an open forum, posters come there to learn from other's experiences, both good and bad...it's much more conducive to have something to offer as insight or experience rather than just an assumption of their character based on few facts.

 

Abrewersbaby - In my opinion, you are doing a great job in analyzing your situation and making the strides to work out your feelings about your situation.

 

What you do need to heal is the abuse he put you through as no one deserves the types of things he did to you. Both you and CometheMorning have my sympathies for going through what you both went through. It takes time to heal that pain and unfortunately it can take years. (CTM - I literally cried when I read your story...haven't been LS'ing much lately and I missed your original post, my apologies).

 

While I understand what Distant is trying to abdicate here, that you need to work on yourself to heal....each of us have our own pain and hurt we are carrying as our burden. It is working through how to lay that burden down and getting on with life. It's good that you have moved on and found a compassionate, patient and caring person to stand by you in that. Even more, that you are aware that you must learn how to trust again due to what you have been through, that is a very good step that you are making.

 

Counseling...yes, I agree this could be very helpful to you in finding out how to put the abusive past behind you. Cheating...a year out of the relationship to a man who moved on like he did...sorry, I don't see it that way here. Everyone has a right to find happiness and no man or woman should control another person's right to find that.

 

You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders and good insight...I'm confident you will make the right choices.

Posted

You're not cheating and don't listen to anybody who says you are.

 

Do realize that certain posters on LS have an agenda. They seek out posts in which they can accuse and undermine confidence.

 

You're doing the right things. You didn't heal though, before starting this relationship. And that is a hurdle, and not good to bring baggage. That also means that you didn't gain confidence in yourself on your own before starting a new relationship. All of that has effects on you. It is difficult to gain confidence in yourself when you are already emotionally leaning on somebody else. Realize it is very difficult to become whole if you are not alone. Being alone is almost a requirement.

But your new guy went into a relationship with you fully knowing this. So don't feel guilty that you still have baggage. He knew it and wanted you anyway, so it is good he is supportive--not only good, but he had better be. He chased you before you were ready, and he knew it.

Stop the accusations based on nothing but neurosis though. Bite your tongue if you have to. It will destroy the new relationship.

Posted

On the healing, just remember this:

 

You need to believe in yourself more than you believe in them. You need to learn the ability to love yourself and walk away even when it feels like things may hurt a little,

or even a lot. Self-esteem, or rather a lack of it has a very large part to play in why you have found yourself you are today on the trust issues. Until you find yourself in a healthy relationship (even if that means working on you to get healthy) and get into the safe zone where you accept and respect the love and the relationship, you’ll have to actively work to ensure that you don’t drag your past into your present, and impact on your future.

 

Unfortunately, our past can haunt us causing us to not see things as they truly are...even with someone we know isn't our ex, and know that they don't intend to hurt us. It can cause us to project those things we didn't get in our previous relationship onto our next one, even unintentionally when all they truly want is to see us happy.

 

YGG brings up a good point, it's baggage...but it was known to him beforehand. The point is, you have to become whole before you can give yourself totally to another and feel safe.

Posted

Trippi - you said it all - and so eloquently, at that :)

 

So very, very true. Until one deals with the past, the past has a way of creeping into the present. Whether you want it to or not. Especially in the cases where one has suffered some sort of abuse. They are called 'triggers', and you can never know what it is that will trigger you, until something does.

 

Case in point - and this has nothing to even due with man/woman relationships. About 3 weeks ago in a family therapy session (myself, my daughter and my son), our therapist brought up the idea of possibly getting my son (13) into the Big Brother's program. Well, let me tell you, my f*cking heart stopped!!! Seriously. Just the thought of my son being alone with a man, especially one I didn't know, sent me into an absolute panic (I am actually having heart palpitations just typing it). And my son wasn't even the one who was abused!!! Fortunately, my therapist recognized my panic right away, and hasn't pushed the issue again (yet...).

 

So, we never know what it is that will affect us. As Trippi said, projection has a way of interfering, even when the other persons' motives are pure. Until we are whole, we cannot afford to give any part of ourselves away.

×
×
  • Create New...