He almost cheated.......but it's over.

[Whatshername]

Hi, new here. Sigh.

 

LDR for 4.5 years.....over an hr apart. We have broken up a few times, as he is afraid of comittment. We both had major reasons why neither could move until recently and were discussing living together, and had even started looking at real estate online, discussing options, etc. We are very close and spend every weekend together, have shared family vacations from the beginning and as best as I can describe it, were very much in love. Thanksgiving spent at my son's out of state and Christmas with 3 of my grown children at my house.

 

A bit of background information......we are very different and struggled with this early on. When we hit a rough spot I want to talk, he clams up. I have made efforts to learn to say more with less, and he has become a lot more open as time has gone by. I was married for 24 years, then divorced, and he had 2 failed marriages and has been single for 20 years.

 

He had an ex gf, which in his best description was really a FWB. It lasted a few years, and she was older than him, and they never shared normal things, like vacations, family time, or even hobbies or walks. He never told her he loved her, but she loved him and after they broke up, she continued sending cards for occasions, often with sentimental notes, hinting she was still there. So, with his fear of comittment, this bothered me at first, as I felt like I was going to his next victim, of non committal. Eventually I got over this as our love deepened.

 

Fast forward and our of nowhere, she contacted him, asking for a favor. He did it and as repayment, he let her buy him dinner. She kissed him. Then the sexting started and another dinner and kiss.

 

She got jealous and hunted down my personal info, bc she had been badgering him as to why he was talking to her but still with me. He was livid she would stoop to this and warned her to stop/leave him alone. I only found out about all of this, as his phone had buzzed and he refused to answer it (I will add he had been acting strangely about his phone - I had NEVER looked in it prior to that since we had met) and I opened it only to find a text about how that kiss had gotten her gong. Needless to say i was shocked and this is when he confessed to the car favor/the kiss she laid on him (?). It was omitted that it was planned in advance and that they had eaten together.

 

Ok, so after Christmas I went to his house fora few days as I was on vacation and he was in the shower. I was online and there sat his phone. Yes, I opened it and there were 2 texts to her, one said leave me alone. One said stop stalking me, both dated a week prior.

 

Yes, I was pi$$ed and no I did not confront him, but called her. Turns out the # I had found in an old card was her work # and I merely introduced myself and asked her to please leave him alone as he was in a relationship with me. She denied knowing what I was talking about. THEN she started texting him at work, telling him I was harassing her.

 

He came home and was mad AT ME, bc I called her at work. Like ti was such a low character breach, it was unforgivable. Matter of fact, by days end, he had asked for his house key and asked me to leave. So, she started texting me. Not so nice texts. Info was given, about things only he could have told her. Not anything ugly, but issues btwn us, like maybe he was complaining about our issues to her. She forwarded a text with a sexual reference he had sent to her. So, later I said, just call and spill it, you have so much to say.

 

She recalled a few favors over the last year( we were broken up when he had done them) said they had coffee twice, but then told me about the recent texting(omitted it was sexting) and then about the 2nd dinner. She did repeat a few times that she never slept with him, but that he had wanted to in the end. I was sick. This was MY guy. Never saw this coming. Not a sign. I had believed what he had said about the car favor, but after the kiss text, I became a bit suspicious.......about the phone. Hence I looked the second time.

 

Ok, well a week went by and I was not doing so hot. I needed answers, to know if she was a liar or if he was. Yes, his actions were as a guilty man and she said he was scared I'd find out he was using us both.

 

So I drove over. Tentatively, we hugged, he apologized for not telling me the whole story about the car favor/dinner/kiss. We talked about trust/ kins of trust/a few of our minor issues, we walked for an hour, we ate. BUT, he had volunteered no more info. So, I asked questions. I needed answers. I needed to know he was sorry, to know if he was worth forgiving. It was amazing, he said the sexting was like "passing notes in class" and that as for the dinner after that, he was being nice as she was upset about someone she had been seeing and he was just too nice of a guy and didn't realize she was going to go crazy hunting my info down. He laughed, said she was interrogating him about ME, said it was like a "cat fight". I asked specifics about the dinner and I felt like he really did not feel it was wrong. By the time I had gotten info and we talked more about trust/etc, I could feel his fur going up.

 

He did not like it that I was going on about details, and he sure was not acting sorry for the hurt and pain I was in. Like I caused all of this, by calling her, and if I had not, she would have left him alone( and I would never have known).

 

He emotionally checked out (he has done this before, namely the week prior) and one other time since I have known him. Waxed cold. Rrfused to hug me, and said..........three hours later and iIam ready to be alone again.

I left, in pain, but after a bit knew I could never forgive him, if he had no remorse.

 

Yes, I know I was stupid to go back over, but at least I know.

Do I think he slept with her? No, but after lots of thoughts, the sexting remains the sore sot. Maybe they had this XRated sex life, being only FWB's (we made love and it was awesome, but my imagination shuddered to wonder what theirs had been like, after some references she had made).

 

So, why would a man give in to temptation, for someone he's not interested in, and lose what we had?

 

I can guess, but none of them really makes sense.

 

My best guess is, he really was just flirting, with the evil temptress but got carried away and was not man enough to own up to it and apologize.