"The Pedestal Effect" The REAL cause of G.I.G.S. and what you can do to fix it.

January 8, 2011

I posted this in another topic, and thought I'd start a new thread as I feel many can learn from this. This is for those who felt like they did nothing wrong. They were the best boyfriend/girlfriend anyone could ask for. Yet are confused as to why their partner got GIGS.

While G.I.G.S. may be a real thing, it is hardly a "Syndrome" or some time of mental illness. It is merely a reaction to something YOU did wrong in the relationship. Take responsibility. If you do not learn what you did wrong, and only attribute your failed relationship to a "Syndrome", then you are destined to make the same mistakes over and over again.

The first time I saw a picture of my ex, the thought crossed my mind "I would marry this girl right now, even before she opens her mouth." haha. Call it "LUST at first sight". We finally met in person at a meeting. She was the one to approach me romantically. I thought "is this really happening? It must be fate." As the story unfolds, it turns out that she had a personality to match her looks. I've never "clicked" with anyone so quickly. I felt like I'd known her my whole life, we were instantly best friends. And the sex...I don't even want to think about it Let's just say, she was "gifted".

I felt like the stars were aligning for me. I have a great family, great friends, great job, and a great house. I've worked hard my whole life and the only thing that I was missing was "the one". I have seen so many of my friends settle, and I refused to do so. Finally I found the last piece of my life's puzzle, and I would live happily ever after. Right?

Unfortunately no. Instead I am being taught one of life's most valuable lessons. If you feel someone is "out of your league" you will invariably put them on a pedestal so high, that they can only look down on you. If you feel someone is your "soul-mate" you will walk on egg-shells so as not to cause waves, piss them off, rock the boat (ie. you will let them walk all over you). You will not take a stand. You are not BEING YOURSELF.

I also ignored many red-flags, and "gut-feelings" under the mis-guided thought that giving somebody your undying love, trust, and affection should be enough...Unfortunately this is NOT THE CASE.

Love grows from trust

Trust must be earned, not given

and affection should be 50/50

Think about your past relationships. Certainly you have acted differently in relationships depending on your interest level with your partner. When you really start to dissect this, you realize one thing. The ones who were left asking YOU "Whats going on between us?", "Where do we stand?" are the ones that would have accepted an engagement ring from you at any moment. The ones that YOU are asking that question to, are the ones that run away. Why is this?

Because when you are in a relaxed relationship where you don't see a long-term future, you are acting like yourself. People fall in love with YOU, not the way you act. They want to be with you because you are real, and you are treating them like a normal human being, NOT a trophy or a prize. They do not want to be impressed, they want YOU to be impressive.

In contrast, when you meet someone you think is "the one", you suddenly change your behavior. You are no longer yourself, but attempting to be some suddenly "enhanced" or better version of yourself. You go out of your way to make this person feel special even if they are not giving the same back. You sell yourself short, thereby lowering your value in their minds. You become too easy, too nice, too accommodating, in fear of losing the prize you think you don't deserve. THIS is where things go downhill.

This seems like the right thing to do when you love somebody. What is the problem? What can I do differently?

You have to realize what you did to lose their attraction. You think he/she is a "soul-mate"? STOP IT! You think he/she is "out of your league"? CUT THAT SHHT OUT! They dumped you, but you continue to be their safety net. N*GGA PLEASE! He/she sees right through this. You are seen as the one who will always be there waiting for them and this is NOT ATTRACTIVE. Use your head for a second and think how your ex acts about other things. Put the red-flags aside and lets look for some GREEN-flags.

Most who get GIGS have some very telltale traits. Is you ex an attention junkie, who likes it when he/she gets attention from the opposite sex even while in a committed relationship? I'm betting that when you don't return his/her texts right away, it DRIVES THEM NUTS, and he/she thinks something must be wrong. When he/she calls you and you don't return the call in 15 minutes, you get a text "whatcha doin?" They are used to you being there for them. The proverbial "having their cake and eating it too". Why should they change and come back now? You are still in contact and he/he hasn't even been forced to confront what life would be like without you. All you are doing now is making his/her transition in to their new (or forthcoming) relationship easier. They get all the benefits you bring to him/her, while your replacement ramps up to become a more serious prospect, then YOU'RE OUT my friend.

I speak from experience. Find and read my last thread. NC works ESPECIALLY well on these types of people. When they realize you are no longer there, YOU become the challenge again, and the new person becomes boring. The thoughts of "Why isn't he/she calling me/emailing me back!" WILL take a toll on the new relationship...in one way or another. The more "mind share" you have with someone, the more attraction increases. I have had moments of weakness. I have come to these boards and received some great advice. I now know that this is the only way. You MUST be realistic though:

NC does not mean, that you disappear for a week, he/she comes crying back, then you immediately take them back and expect to live happily ever after. The r/l has to reignite on YOUR CLOCK and YOUR TERMS, and much further down the road. You have to have the strength to say "I have to move on. Maybe in the future things will be different. Please don't contact me again. I'll contact you when I'm ready to talk." This puts the ball in your court, and keeps the ex thinking "I wonder when he/she will call?" Well its going to be a long time. AFTER you have stopped obsessing over them, idealizing them, and AFTER you have become as physically fit as a triathlete. AFTER you find yourself to be just as happy as a single person, as you were with him/her. If you rush this YOU WILL fail. You will push them away again. They have to feel like they are adding to your already full life, not filling in an empty spot.

Lastly: NC will NOT guarantee your ex will return, but what you are doing RIGHT NOW will guarantee that they WILL NOT return. DO NOT segway your ex into a happy r/l with your replacement.

MORE IMPORTANTLY: If you can learn this lesson, and this lesson only from your breakup, you may have the ammo to succeed in your next attempt at love. Relationships are only a waste of time if they don't teach you a life lesson. Learn from it.

That's all.

I'm off to email my ex. You know what they say...easy to give, hard to follow

Edited January 8, 2011 by suddendumpee

January 9, 2011

great post, i must agree with you.

my ex showed the same pattern, overly obsessive when i wasn't there.

i think its more immature on their part though, its a form of playing games.

i do think about my ex, but would not take her back ever.

if she was the last women on earth i would use her as bait to attract a wild animal and start a relationship with that over her. lol.

i am a laid back sort of guy and believe a relationship is give and take, i would let her do what she needed to do, go out, see friends ect....

but i never got that respect in return, she would be very obsessive with me, and call me all the time while i was out having a beer.

most people that come on here are young, like myself. i dont think its about finding the love of your life, but finding someone your comfortable with and have an understanding with as well as the attraction.

im not into playing games anymore and will not give any women the time of day that is, i just want to meet someone who has the same understanding and maturity as myself.

again, good post.

January 9, 2011

Great summary, you so nailed and my case sounds exactly like yours I thought she was the one. I think it's also basic human instinct we always want what we can't have. I've been doing NC for 4 weeks and it's pretty killer I feel like you have the mind of buddha sometimes, but no the less I'm still pretty proud of holding off. I don't know if it will work because my woman seems to have issues when it comes to commitment and lastly she is a very strong minded individual probably why I fell so in love in the first place, but I agree begging from them will only make things worse. She was attracted to me because I was strong and independent but when she finally got me on her side she bolted.

January 9, 2011

In contrast, when you meet someone you think is "the one", you suddenly change your behavior. You are no longer yourself, but attempting to be some suddenly "enhanced" or better version of yourself. You go out of your way to make this person feel special even if they are not giving the same back. You sell yourself short, thereby lowering your value in their minds. You become too easy, too nice, too accommodating, in fear of losing the prize you think you don't deserve. THIS is where things go downhill.

I also commented on this in his other thread and from experience, this is very true, and about the most accurate way you can put it into words. I currently know a girl who is very important to me, and i can honestly say i love her very much but she has never given me that "zing" if thats the word and it has made me question what me and her have had. BUT she is head over heals for me, i always act like ME when im around her because subconsciously you have the mentality of i dont care what happens. Its horrible to say but its the truth.

Like he said above, that is very accurate. I wanted to comment on another aspect of it also. In my situation i didnt "bow" to her every need (im not saying the OP did) and i wasnt up her a$$ or smothering her or anything. She liked me because of who i was, which was different from her ex BUT i went too far and actually exaggerated who i was because i really thought that she would not like anyone less. There was actually many of times where i probably ended it but we still kept going, i tend to be almost too honest in relationships so if they ask me certain things, i dont try to be cool but i try to be real.

So it doesnt just have to be the whole nice guy scenario where us guys go crazy for a girl, its just the simple fact of changing for someone. Just like the OP i saw my ex in a picture probably a year before i met her and was like wait who is that? Then when i met her i didnt really feel much, but as time went on it was uncontrollable and when she came on to ME i thought i was in a fairy tale, great job, house, money and "the one". I can remember thinking that this was all too good to be true. Im semi lucky because my ex has a bad backround so even if i did do some things wrong, im pretty lucky to be out of it.

Great post, and i hope it all goes well with the email OP, keep us updated.

January 9, 2011

if she was the last women on earth i would use her as bait to attract a wild animal and start a relationship with that over her. lol.

THAT is some funny S**T!!! I hope I feel that way someday. haha.

January 9, 2011

I agree with the OP. I believe that my ex has G.I.G.S. and that I put her on a pedestal to a certain extent. I didn't bend to her every need. I didn't give in to everything she wanted. However, I was going through a tough time during our last year together and this caused me to change. I became this sad, depressed man with no confidence or self respect. I gained over 30 lbs as well. Because of this, I think I thought I couldn't find anyone else better than her... and that came out in my words and actions. I think this probably scared her.

But still, like I said, I didn't give in to everything she wanted. I did act like myself around her. I was probably more like myself around her than any other girl I've ever met.

January 9, 2011

lastly she is a very strong minded individual probably why I fell so in love in the first place, but I agree begging from them will only make things worse. She was attracted to me because I was strong and independent but when she finally got me on her side she bolted.

This is such a common saying because only strong minded people have the ability to initiate the dumping, so you have to ask "Why are WE not the

strong minded ones?" The hardest thing to learn is that if we would have been strong minded and ended things when the red-flags were risen, it is THEM who would have the damaged egos wondering how they can get US back. They may have realized their errs and made a better attempt at a 50/50 relationship.

As for bolting once they get you? It's like fishing. Only instead of keeping and eating your catch, it's a sport of catch and release. "Ahh, it's just a minnow, I'll throw it back". Eventually they will find one they feel is the prize fish. We failed at being the prize because we thought THEY were the prize.

January 9, 2011

Like he said above, that is very accurate. I wanted to comment on another aspect of it also. In my situation i didnt "bow" to her every need (im not saying the OP did) and i wasnt up her a$$ or smothering her or anything. She liked me because of who i was, which was different from her ex BUT i went too far and actually exaggerated who i was because i really thought that she would not like anyone less.

I can relate to this. I was not smothering, needy, insecure, or agreeable by any stretch of the imagination. But I took this to the extreme. When she did something that would piss ANY guy off, I would keep my mouth shut so that I didn't LOOK insecure. I wouldn't speak my mind/take a stand. I just wanted her to be free to be herself, without my interference. I'm not saying you should attempt to control someone, but when you disagree with something, you should speak up about it. I failed to do this. In an LDR it's very difficult also. Since we only got to see each other every other weekend, you want all of your time to be "good time". So there was no time for healthy arguments/discussions about the things that bothered us.

January 9, 2011

I can relate to this. I was not smothering, needy, insecure, or agreeable by any stretch of the imagination. But I took this to the extreme. When she did something that would piss ANY guy off, I would keep my mouth shut so that I didn't LOOK insecure. I wouldn't speak my mind/take a stand. I just wanted her to be free to be herself, without my interference. I'm not saying you should attempt to control someone, but when you disagree with something, you should speak up about it. I failed to do this. In an LDR it's very difficult also. Since we only got to see each other every other weekend, you want all of your time to be "good time". So there was no time for healthy arguments/discussions about the things that bothered us.

Thats funny because mine was a LDR too, and in all honesty i think the beauty of having a guy right in front of her face compared to me, overtook the whole situation.

I find myself wondering how i should think of all of it, but i think the pedestal effect like i always say makes the most sense.

Think of it like this, when you think of your ex with someone else it eats us up. When you think of them happy and moved on, it eats us up. Yet there are millions of people right now that are dating, happy etc. But because we have them on a pedestal they are almost mystical and it makes us crazy.

From being about 6 weeks NC, and reading my butt off on here and books, and seeing a therapist (which honestly is something that needed to be done and not all because of my ex) i have found that the pedestal and exaggeration of our exes is what gets us in the most trouble. Thats why they say time heals all wounds, because just like a video game, book, TV show, whatever it is, you get sick of it and its not so cool anymore. So when the pedestal effect wears off, we dont care as much.

January 9, 2011

haha, Ok well I will tell you some things I did in order to score with what I would call a perfect ten in my mind. But screwed things up to say the least. I knew what I had to do but she was treating me amazing and I started thinking is too good to be true sort of speak, I was my own worst enemy but lesson learned for the next one.

I think woman are constantly testing to see if they can get you to comply with them, and as soon as you do. They either hit the road or Marry you, woman are not linear logical creatures if you do things that make sense they will do things that don't make sense at all. If you do things that don't make any sense at all, then she will often do what you want them to do. I think most woman will end up Marry the man the doesn't play by her rules he plays by his own. Something I've learned from experience which is why I'm truly starting to believe it's no longer about the one it's about the skill. Give her the thrill of the chase, the more woman you have on the go at all times the better your sex life will be, the better you options are, and your right than maybe you will choose. Your right too I've noticed ever relationship I ended they always come back begging for more. Keep on keeping on I guess.

Edited January 9, 2011 by remy1981

January 9, 2011

Thats funny because mine was a LDR too, and in all honesty i think the beauty of having a guy right in front of her face compared to me, overtook the whole situation.

I wish I could say the same, but I was left for another LDR. Only difference is that he is a 4 hour drive vs. a 1.5 hour flight (still 4 hours total travel time though). His advantage? High school crush, and he lives in her hometown where she can see her family when she sees him...and he probably hasn't put her on a pedestal...yet.

January 9, 2011

haha, Ok well I will tell you some things I did in order to score with what I would call a perfect ten in my mind. But screwed things up to say the least. I knew what I had to do but she was treating me amazing and I started thinking is too good to be true sort of speak, I was my own worst enemy but lesson learned for the next one.

I did the same. I threw all of my game out the window because I thought she was "different". I even told he once that I was being different with our relationship that I had with anyone else...and that normally I would date multiple people early on. She asked "Why?", and I responded "Because I think I finally found someone who deserves it." She ACTED like that's what she wanted to hear. I thought it was pretty smooth at the time too.

Lesson: When you think you just said the sweetest thing in the world, think again. If they aren't saying the same types of things back, they are just basking in the grace of you inflating their ego.

January 9, 2011

What are some of the things that I could be doing to help her "transition into her new relationship"? I feel like I've been nice to her, and then I think I'm being too nice, "boyfriendy" nice.

Any examples so that I can know what to NOT do?

January 9, 2011

yep, when you score with a perfect 10 you have to practice self control, pretend she has short hair and eats like a defensive lineman. It's a lot safer and saner when she does the adoring.

January 9, 2011

What are some of the things that I could be doing to help her "transition into her new relationship"? I feel like I've been nice to her, and then I think I'm being too nice, "boyfriendy" nice.

Any examples so that I can know what to NOT do?

Being there for her in ANY WAY is helping her transition. She can still be nice, as you "bow out" of the situation with a mature explanation as to why YOU need to do it. Then STICK TO IT.

If she doesn't miss you. See what life is without you. You have no chance of things changing simply becuase she woke up with some sort of epiphany. Bottom line, if you are giving her ANY of the benefits of having a boyfriend, without actually BEING her boyfriend, you are screwing up majorly.

Things you can NOT do?

Tell her you will wait for her

Tell her you will always love her

Call her

Text her

E-mail her

Spoon feed her ramen noodles

Bathe her

Clip her toenails

Thats about it. Everything else is fair game

I wish I would have done this. I may still have my girl. Sucks the relationships that teach you the lessons you need to succeed, are the ones you really wanted to keep.

Edited January 9, 2011 by suddendumpee

January 9, 2011

Being there for her in ANY WAY is helping her transition. She can still be nice, as you "bow out" of the situation with a mature explanation as to why YOU need to do it. Then STICK TO IT.

If she doesn't miss you. See what life is without you. You have no chance of things changing simply becuase she woke up with some sort of epiphany. Bottom line, if you are giving her ANY of the benefits of having a boyfriend, without actually BEING her boyfriend, you are screwing up majorly.

Things you can NOT do?

Tell her you will wait for her
Tell her you will always love her
Call her
Text her
E-mail her
Spoon feed her ramen noodles
Bathe her
Clip her toenails

Thats about it. Everything else is fair game

I wish I would have done this. I may still have my girl. Sucks the relationships that teach you the lessons you need to succeed, are the ones you really wanted to keep.

I mean, I'm not doing any lovey-dovey stuff for her anymore, but just general things will sometimes make me stop and think "wait, am I being the boyfriend with no benefits?"

For instance if I go somewhere she'll ask me to pick her up something on my way back. Or she'll ask if I can grab something in the other room for her, etc. It probably seems like common sense to be like "wtf do it yourself" but after so long together I kind of feel like i SHOULD be doing those things.

January 9, 2011

I wish I would have done this. I may still have my girl. Sucks the relationships that teach you the lessons you need to succeed, are the ones you really wanted to keep.

Sometimes i think the same way, like i could have done this or that and it would still be good. But then another side of me thinks that if someone is really going to not be that into you anymore because you say how you feel, then why would you want to be with them anyway?

I think ok, if this person "loved" you as much as you do, then hearing that would be "weird" to them in first place. I dont know, sometimes i think when you have to watch what you say that they arent worth your time anyway.

I actually played it cool during the break up but i sent a bunch of emails. I talked to my dad about what to do and he kind of gave me the whole you need to make it happen if thats what you want, and if you have really changed for the better you need to show her that. So, i did through email because i was out of country for work.

I do look back sometimes though and say wow i went over the top for her when she was with another guy, pathetic. Overall, i cant stand how other people would make us be on a site like this and hurt so much when we know that this person doesnt want the same. Its a crazy analogy when you think about it.

January 9, 2011

I mean, I'm not doing any lovey-dovey stuff for her anymore, but just general things will sometimes make me stop and think "wait, am I being the boyfriend with no benefits?"

For instance if I go somewhere she'll ask me to pick her up something on my way back. Or she'll ask if I can grab something in the other room for her, etc. It probably seems like common sense to be like "wtf do it yourself" but after so long together I kind of feel like i SHOULD be doing those things.

If you are an ex, and you are doing ANYTHING for her, you are being a boyfriend without benefits, or even worse, a friend. Being her friend will not get her back. It will only ease her transition, while you suffer. And why are you grabbing stuff from the "other room" for her. Do you live together? If not, why are you in the same place as her?

I'm telling you man, you need to act quickly before someone else comes along. Take a stand. Be a man. She will be shocked. She may even act hurt/mad, but in the end, she will respect that you didnt allow yourself to be her doormat.

January 9, 2011

Sometimes i think the same way, like i could have done this or that and it would still be good. But then another side of me thinks that if someone is really going to not be that into you anymore because you say how you feel, then why would you want to be with them anyway?

I think ok, if this person "loved" you as much as you do, then hearing that would be "weird" to them in first place. I dont know, sometimes i think when you have to watch what you say that they arent worth your time anyway.

I can sympathize with this, but unfortunately we are also dealing with primitive animal instincts that are ingrained in our DNA. There is a dynamic at play. Never offer more than you are being given. The moment one starts to work harder than the other, the push/pull dynamic comes in to play. You have to work to strike a healthy balance until the relationship matures naturally.

January 9, 2011

If you are an ex, and you are doing ANYTHING for her, you are being a boyfriend without benefits, or even worse, a friend. Being her friend will not get her back. It will only ease her transition, while you suffer. And why are you grabbing stuff from the "other room" for her. Do you live together? If not, why are you in the same place as her?

I'm telling you man, you need to act quickly before someone else comes along. Take a stand. Be a man. She will be shocked. She may even act hurt/mad, but in the end, she will respect that you didnt allow yourself to be her doormat.

Yes we are still living together for the time being. I have several contractual obligations in this city before I can move home.

Here's the thing, everyone tells me not to be her friend but I either feel A) friendly towards her and we get along or B) hostile towards her and I'm miserable. I've tried being nonchalant/distant and I usually spiral back down to angry/sad very quickly. Being nice to her is 80% because I feel better when I act this way. I will say that 20% is my stupid section screaming "IF YOURE NICE WITH HER MAYBE SHE'LL WANT TO DATE YOU" but I know it's not true. When I can walk through the house without feeling tension and a potential argument/etc, my whole day goes much smoother (this is of course not saying I'm feeling "smooth" today).

Also, she has already "found" someone else. Some guy friend that has been trying to weasel his way in for years she decided she has feelings for.

Now re-reading this I sound like quite the doormat. To clarify, for the first 2 months or so after finding out/breaking up, I was furious ALL THE TIME. I couldn't speak to her without saying something nasty and spiteful. So I am not doing things like fetching her slippers or making her tea, but if I'm in the laundry room and she asks me to throw her load into the dryer I usually do and vice versa. I dunno, maybe I'm handling it wrong but based on my experiences being mean to her just makes me more anxious/sad/jealous and generally ruins my day.

January 9, 2011

You got some mad talent if you can use a spoon for ramen. I always gotta use a fork for that ****

January 9, 2011

I really feel for your situation. It's certainly difficult to go NC while living together. Is there NO WAY you can get your own place? If not, I would say your best bet is to move forward and start dating yourself (and I mean find somebody else, not take yourself out to dinner then hold your own hand while you walk yourself home to masturbate. haha.)

She may see you with someone new and become extremely jealous, but you need to know that jealousy is no foundation for a relationship. It will just fall apart again. Find someone else and stick with it. Don;t let her interfere. Your new dating life will increase your confidence and she will notice it. At the very least, she will question her decision.

January 9, 2011

You got some mad talent if you can use a spoon for ramen. I always gotta use a fork for that ****

Haha. You got to crunch that s**t up REALLY small before you boil it.

January 9, 2011

No way I can get my own place.

I can't even imagine dating somebody else right now. I'm still so wrapped up in her that I don't think it would be fair to them. Maybe it'd be better though to just try to have fun.

Maybe this is mean-spirited but I just want to see that she's UPSET by this. She's always all smiles when I see her and its so aggravating.

January 9, 2011

Which is why you need to do the same. If she sees its effecting you, she is winning at the game. As far as dating goes, I completely understand. You are a good person and don't want to lead someone on. The problem is that life is short and you are missing out on opportunities to meet some amazing people. There is nothing wrong with dating in your state as long as you make your intentions clear to the person (better yet, people) that you are dating.

It's not something to bring up on the first date (it would look weird if talked about too soon), but by the third date, I think it's totally acceptable to make the statement and ask the question "You seem like a cool girl and I'm having fun getting to know you. I think it's important that two people are on the same page when it comes to dating, so I have to ask, what are you looking for right now? A casual dating relationship? Or are you looking for something serious at this time in your life?" They will respond and are bound to ask you the same. You can make it abundantly clear that you are looking to take things slow, and don't want to rush in to a serious relationship. You simply like to meet new/fun people and see where things progress naturally.

If you make your intentions clear you are doing two things. You are being honest about your objectives so that there are no expectations AND you are increasing your attractiveness to that person by being strong and wanting to take things slow.

Right now, you are in the perfect mind set to attract some amazing people. You will not have to ACT like a challenge, you will BE a challenge naturally. You may find, over time, that one of your prospects is deserving of your commitment and you won't even be thinking of you ex. Don't waste you time man. Take control of your life and step out, date, and do it for FUN. That's what its supposed to be about. You go out with your guy friends right? Same thing, only sans vagina.

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"The Pedestal Effect" The REAL cause of G.I.G.S. and what you can do to fix it.

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