TyrionLannister Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I have several questiosn, but I feel I should give you all some background information: My wife and I have been together for 11 years and have one child together. She is very outgoing and the life of the party type person and I am much more the recluse that likes to stay at home. This is mostly becuase I have social anxieties which until very recently I have dealt with on my own (I am now taking paxil). Over the past couple of years since our son was born we have been having problems. My wife told me several times that she needed me to be more affectionate and she needed me to instigate sex more often. Her biigest complaint was that I never innitated sex, and that I would turn her down too often ( I know I am an idiot). I love sex, but I get very stressed out at work and many times just don't feel like having sex ( I work 60 hours a week). We probably have sex once or twice a month. Now to the questions: She came home a couple of days after Christmas and told me that she did not love me anymore. She told me that she need some space, so I moved into my parents house. She as agreed to go to a marriage counselor with me, but has been very short in all conversations with me. I have suspect that she is trying to figure out if she can live only having my son half of the time, and she really does not want to do marriage counseling. I still love this women and realize that this is my fault that we are in this situation. Is counseling really worth it? Will this help us? Or am I just not wanting to realize that this relationship is over? I can't sleep, or eat and this is honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Thanks for any advice. S
Author TyrionLannister Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 I should also state that my wife and I both have lost alot of weight over the past year, and she has been going out with her friends about twice a week for the past three months. she used to ask if I wanted to go with her, but stopped becuase I always tole her to go and have fun with her friends and I would watch our son.
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 First, you need to deal with your own anxiety, social anxiety..Don't just assume the meds will do the trick, I suggest cognitive behaviour therapy, which is a certain type of therapy to help those who suffer from anxiety disorders. Yes, marriage counselling can help! 11 years and a child, too much to throw away without trying. Your wife is fed up, though she does love you, she just isn't happy with how things are in the marriage ,rightfully so, but again, I think once you deal with own your issues as to WHY you are suffering from anxiety, whether it be stress related, working too many hours a week, or something from your past, you and your wife can work together and recapture that love and desire, that glue that brought you two together to begin with. Obviously something was there from day one, you two got married and had a child. Be open and honest, let her know you're willing to do everything it takes to reconnect with her. Hopefully she will be willing to work with you as well and not throw in the towel. You two owe it to your child to work this out.. If it doesn't work out and there's a divorce, atleast you'll both know you gave it your best. To walk away without trying would be such a shame.
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I should also state that my wife and I both have lost alot of weight over the past year, and she has been going out with her friends about twice a week for the past three months. she used to ask if I wanted to go with her, but stopped becuase I always tole her to go and have fun with her friends and I would watch our son. Hate to bring this up..Is it possible she's met someone else? You two NEED husband and wife time. Having outtings with friends is great, but you two need that alone time to go have fun. Get a sitter and be together as husband and wife. Her going out and you staying home all the time isn't a great idea...
Author TyrionLannister Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Thanks for your advice which. I don't believe that she has found anyone else. However since she lost the weight she is definitely catching everyone's eyes again. I just have a hard time believing she would ever cheat, but fiances have been a huge issue. we are financially strapped. we have just enough money coming in (with me working the second job) to pay the bills.
sirweasles Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 your situation is very similar to mine however I was ok and had fun when i went out with my wife I just couldnt get mysef to go out with out her it makes them feel guilty that there having fun and your not being strapped with money is also another big stress that will cause disruption. first the best thing you can do is start thinking possative find anyway you can to laugh and have fun you will never get anything right with her until you get it right with you dont apoligize dont push relationship talk just be very nice and let her know you love her and show through actions that you are getting better dont offer what you think is getting better let her see it you now have to prove your love not just speak it dont give up and dont push its a slow process learn patients she will come to you about the relationship when she is ready prepare your self for anything.
imagine Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 You need to find and meet her emotional needs. It sounds like sex is on of them. You also need to spend at least 20- 30 hours/week with her. Manage your available time. Work on your insecurities -use the internet!
hopesndreams Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Move back into your home. She is the one that says she doesn't love you anymore and is refusing MC. She wants out of the M? She can leave. I highly suspect she has someone else. The loss of weight, going out with friends, 2 nights a week? A bit excessive, yes? Considering you work 60 hours a week and there has been no quality time between you two.
Soxfaninfl Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Move back into your home. She is the one that says she doesn't love you anymore and is refusing MC. She wants out of the M? She can leave. I highly suspect she has someone else. The loss of weight, going out with friends, 2 nights a week? A bit excessive, yes? Considering you work 60 hours a week and there has been no quality time between you two. Plus she was not getting enough sex. I hate to say this, but I woman can find sex very easy.
sirweasles Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 first dont jump to conclusions second worry about you right now third dont listen to anybody on here that tells you your wife is cheating on you they do not know her they do not know the whole situation you need to stop thinking negitivly and start thinking possotive find away to distract your self think about anything that is possative other than your relationship get help and become the person you need to be for her and for you. the more you dwell on the negitive what ifs the more pain you will put your self through and the longer its goin to take to heal. but here is a BIG WHAT IF she is not cheating and you accuse her of it or make her feel that you suspect it. WHAT IF she just wants you to get help and knows no other way of getting you to do it. WHAT IF you dwell on this until she will no longer wait for you. these are the what ifs you need to see trust me I caused a much bigger breach in my marriage becouse i played the what if game and accused my wife of **** funny thing is I had acctually mended the biggest part of the rift when I accused her of cheating on me and blew the bridge to bits for worse than it had origanally been now I am trying to piece the tiny fragments back together so that i can rebuild that bridge. Christmas was wonderful I got to spend my entire 10 days off driving back and forth from my parents house to my house so that I could spend time with my girls when if I had left **** alone and stopped snooping I would have been home with my wife and kids.
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