sleep.less Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 (edited) My bf of 5 years and I broke up Mid Nov '10 when he married behind my back. (My Ex comes from a cultural background, where the parents & family plays a big role in deciding one's partner for life! I am told his step father was very instrumental in forcing us apart!) In our frantic exchange of mails, in our last days together, he maintained he loved me, but now had no courage left to face me! I was confused but the confusion soon came to an end when his uncle informed me, that my ex got married now (.. he also said, his wife read my mail to my ex and hence we shouldn't communicate anymore! I have a feeling my ex did this deliberately, to indirectly apprise his wife of whatever we shared!). I felt as if was stabbed in my back and brutally, it was a big blow to me, and I felt he betrayed my faith! What followed was a killing but very necessary no contact! I struggled a lot the entire december, coping with a nervous breakdown, but eventually decided to accept the new reality of my life, probably he never really loved me enough! But things were not meant to be that easy.... for on new years (Jan 1st) I received a mail from my ex, he had not wished me new years, nothing of sorts, but he had pasted the "cuppy cake jingle" [!!??!!!****] lyrics to me... (I love you, so I want you to know I'll always be right here....) I read it and i just ignored it and never replied back for it just didnt stir any emotion in me! I thought this was enough to discourage him, but no... I was so stupid in believing so, for 3 days down the line, I received a call from his mother, very lovingly enquiring about my well being. In fact she had the audacity to say, don't we share a bond???!!! I was very upset, and in a very firm but dignified manner, I asked her to not call me back again. She constantly tried to explain things to me, that atleast listen to me, he was very helpless, but I didnt listen to her and disconnected the call. .....now we're back to NC, but since his repeated attempts to contact me, I am all confused & disturbed! I just can not figure out what exactly do they want out of me! Is it that he's feeling guilty and is doing all of this only to reduce his guilt and my pain? Pity or Sympathy or Curiosity? Or is he genuinely trying to come back & amend things? Also, is it even worth the pain, for he's already a married man now? And am I right in not encouraging any communication from their end or even hearing them out? (I feel they're communicating to me because the wife's probably back to her parents' house for a break! And am sure once she's back, they will go back to no contact!) I am confused and miserable! Also, the interesting thing is till date my ex has not confessed to me or uttered in front of me that he's married now! (Please somebody help me understand this, how is this helping him? Is he trying to suggest that since he was forced he doesnt consider it a marriage? Or is he only putting up an act? Or is feeling too guilty to say it to me?) NOTE: Please do not say 'think of the 3rd person involved...' I have had enough of it so far (...I have nothing against her but pls remember it's she who's replaced me, not the other way round! And I am not even coming their way.... despite the hurt, I have maintained a strict NC, more for her than me!), it hurts me for I am the one, who's under severe trauma - emotional, mental and physical and it is my life that is disturbed, and it is my heart that is hurt and it was me who was wronged..... I am already vulnerable, and right now not in a state of mind to shoulder responsibility of others and their happiness.....! Edited January 8, 2011 by sleep.less
awkward Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Is it that he's feeling guilty and is doing all of this only to reduce his guilt and my pain? Pity or Sympathy or Curiosity? Or is he genuinely trying to come back & amend things? Also, is it even worth the pain, for he's already a married man now? And am I right in not encouraging any communication from their end or even hearing them out? I have no idea what their motives are. In their cultural is it normal for the husband to have a mistress? Did you have any inkling while dating this man for 5 years that his parents would choose someone else for him to marry? I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It is awful. The only thing I can say for certain is that YOU ARE RIGHT in going NC with all of them. What could they possibly say to you that would change the fact that the man you dated for 5 years went off and married someone else? You know that NC is what you need to move on. Don't allow them to interfere with your healing process. Do any of them seriously think you would be ok with being his mistress, as if you don't deserve a man that respects you and is with only you? Even if that isn't the motive, do any of them seriously think that any explanation is going to change the pain you are going through? Block him. Block all of them. (((sleepless)))
pureinheart Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Wow SL, I am so sorry about what happened to you. I had a friend that was Chilean and he was "forced" into an arranged marriage. He was miserable. He was seeing my best friend. I really don't believe they can take the marriage seriously, I mean think about it, their heart is not in it. I see it as emotional torture. Hey, hang in there...k...it's done and over, nothing you can do. It's hard for these particular cultures to say no as it is seen as disrespect for the parents. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Fight4Me Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Okay... wow, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You mentioned his step-father was the one instrumental in forcing you apart. Given the call from his mother to you, perhaps she was never in favor of the arrangement, but in keeping with her culture, had to go along with it. That's a total guess on my part since this is very confusing. The bottom line, though, is your ex failed you. He never mentioned getting married to someone else, he never stood up for you, he chose his culture over love. He wussed out and continues to do so. I agree with the others. Cut all contact, blocking them in every possible way. There should be no way he can come back from this into your life, so don't allow it. You've done nothing wrong, and again, I'm so so sorry. (((hugs)))
TigerCub Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Hey Sleepless, I'm so very sorry for what you've gone through. I can't possibly imagine that kind of pain. I'm very proud of you and impressed that you have maintained NC. I hope you keep that up. I think that your ex-bf is a huge coward. Please, Please, don't let him drag you into his crappy world. You said that you got the news from his uncle. Do you, by chance have the uncle's email? Or maybe the step dad's email. I"m guessing you don't have the wife's email. But if the cowardly ex writes to you again, if you have that uncle's email, I would suggest that you forward the texts to him and ask him to tell the ex to leave you alone because you've moved on and want no part of his drama. I know it all seem so devastating right now, but you should be very proud of yourself for not encouraging his shady behavior by responding to him. He made his bed, he can be miserable in it. You'll heal and you'll move on and you will find real love and happiness with someone that's not a coward like the ex. ***HUGS***
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