Complicated Situation. Is this the beginning of an Affair? What is going on here?

[Heather1]

You are a challenge, a feed to his ego, and have just low enough self esteem to not immediately tell the creepy pervert to go take a hike. I'm so disturbed by him. He's a predator. He knew you would eat all that up and come begging for more once the crush got started. This man has psychopath written all over him.

 

I would say he's for sure been "grooming" you & seeing how far he can go. Sometimes higher maintenance women are a higher maintenance relationship too. He wants someone who's not going to flip out, you're perfect.

 

I'm sure you're flattered & it seems like right now you're pondering just a little because you are flattered. Here's some options:

1) Blow him off (tell him you have a boyfriend or something) & he just gets the hint & leaves you alone. You can do this pretty subtly in a "no hard feelings" way & it won't make it uncomfortable.

 

2) If you haven't already, tell someone & help them get you out of this. If he finds out, I'm sure he'll deny it & make you look like the pursuer. Try to get some "real life" support before your feelings actually grow for the guy.

 

3) Keep kissing the guy, have sex, fall in love & ruin your beautiful youth & love you have ahead of you . If you have any feelings for him now, there's NO WAY those won't grow & then you'll really be in a mess.

 

I'm sure you're a beautiful girl in jeans & a sweatshirt & I'm sure he's not the only man who notices. He's just the only one bold enough to make a move. So you have a crush on someone else? Or a good male friend that can pretend to be your BF for awhile until this clears up?

 

I have an 18 yr old son & I'm constantly warning him about the whole cougar thing & making him aware of women hitting on him & a safe distance to keep to stay out of trouble. Maybe I should set you two up?

[SoMovinOn]

I've been thinking about this, mulling it over for the past few days...

 

One thing you can do to kind of push him away, without coming off as rude, would be to ask him about his wife and kids whenever he approaches you. You want to refer to them by their names (I assume, being neighbors all this time, you know their names - if not, ask him what their names are). One thing many people do when involved in an affair is they refer to their spouse in generic terms (She/He - She isn't home. She won't know. She doesn't pay much attention to me...).

 

When he says Hi and approaches you, in a bright, cheerful voice, with a big smile, respond with "Hi! What's Mary doing today?... ask him how the kids are doing in school - refer to them by name. No matter what he says, keep asking him about his family. If he asks for a hug, ask him if Mary would approve of him hugging you. If he tries to kiss you, pull away and ask him how his kids would feel if they saw him kissing you...

 

Perhaps he'd get the hint.

[bentnotbroken]

I've been thinking about this, mulling it over for the past few days...

 

One thing you can do to kind of push him away, without coming off as rude, would be to ask him about his wife and kids whenever he approaches you. You want to refer to them by their names (I assume, being neighbors all this time, you know their names - if not, ask him what their names are). One thing many people do when involved in an affair is they refer to their spouse in generic terms (She/He - She isn't home. She won't know. She doesn't pay much attention to me...).

 

When he says Hi and approaches you, in a bright, cheerful voice, with a big smile, respond with "Hi! What's Mary doing today?... ask him how the kids are doing in school - refer to them by name. No matter what he says, keep asking him about his family. If he asks for a hug, ask him if Mary would approve of him hugging you. If he tries to kiss you, pull away and ask him how his kids would feel if they saw him kissing you...

 

Perhaps he'd get the hint.

 

 

I think a knee to the groin would be more of a hint.

[jj33]

Golden Silence you have gotten great responses. So what are you going to do.

 

This guy as everyone has said is a predator. And as everyone said hes smart.

 

Hes taking it in slow steps hoping you wont notice. First a hug. Then can I hold your hand. Then taking you into his arms. Its like a seduction in very very very slow motion over weeks and months.

 

You realise you havent stopped him by setting boundaries because he took you by surprise. I react that way sometimes too - I am so stunned I dont say anything or sometimes even realize what just went down until hours afterwards.

 

But now you know. You dont have to jump in with foff sleazebag.

 

You can open with something smaller.

 

1. Just wave hello when you see him and dont stop.

 

2. If he says no hug? Say no - no more hugs.

 

If he asks you to come talk to him say no I am in a hurry.

 

If he corners you in a private area say excuse me I have to go.

 

The other thing you have to do is practice speaking up. I know sometimes when I am nervous I lose my voice it comes out as a whisper. Practice speaking up no I have to go in a loud assertive voice. It may sound silly but if you are shy speaking up and finding your voice can take practice.

 

I do like the idea of telling your Dad so he can kick his azz. This guy deserves that and so much more.

 

If he says anything sexual again - tell him you are married if you say anything like that again I will tell your wife. That will stop him in his tracks.

 

Let him know you mean business. You are not interested in the attention he is giving you.

 

Take good care

[Goldensilence]

I would say he's for sure been "grooming" you & seeing how far he can go. Sometimes higher maintenance women are a higher maintenance relationship too. He wants someone who's not going to flip out, you're perfect.

 

I'm sure you're flattered & it seems like right now you're pondering just a little because you are flattered. Here's some options:

1) Blow him off (tell him you have a boyfriend or something) & he just gets the hint & leaves you alone. You can do this pretty subtly in a "no hard feelings" way & it won't make it uncomfortable.

 

2) If you haven't already, tell someone & help them get you out of this. If he finds out, I'm sure he'll deny it & make you look like the pursuer. Try to get some "real life" support before your feelings actually grow for the guy.

 

3) Keep kissing the guy, have sex, fall in love & ruin your beautiful youth & love you have ahead of you . If you have any feelings for him now, there's NO WAY those won't grow & then you'll really be in a mess.

 

I'm sure you're a beautiful girl in jeans & a sweatshirt & I'm sure he's not the only man who notices. He's just the only one bold enough to make a move. So you have a crush on someone else? Or a good male friend that can pretend to be your BF for awhile until this clears up?

 

I have an 18 yr old son & I'm constantly warning him about the whole cougar thing & making him aware of women hitting on him & a safe distance to keep to stay out of trouble. Maybe I should set you two up?

 

Thanks for your input Heather1. Unfortunately, because I'm so shy in general, I'm not exactly the most popular of people. I have a lot of acquaintances but, no one I actually consider a friend (if that makes sense). So, that means that I don't have a good male friend that I could ask to pretend to be my boyfriend at the moment. I could always lie & say I have one though (even though, I really don't ).

[Goldensilence]

Golden Silence you have gotten great responses. So what are you going to do.

 

This guy as everyone has said is a predator. And as everyone said hes smart.

 

Hes taking it in slow steps hoping you wont notice. First a hug. Then can I hold your hand. Then taking you into his arms. Its like a seduction in very very very slow motion over weeks and months.

 

You realise you havent stopped him by setting boundaries because he took you by surprise. I react that way sometimes too - I am so stunned I dont say anything or sometimes even realize what just went down until hours afterwards.

 

But now you know. You dont have to jump in with foff sleazebag.

 

You can open with something smaller.

 

1. Just wave hello when you see him and dont stop.

 

2. If he says no hug? Say no - no more hugs.

 

If he asks you to come talk to him say no I am in a hurry.

 

If he corners you in a private area say excuse me I have to go.

 

The other thing you have to do is practice speaking up. I know sometimes when I am nervous I lose my voice it comes out as a whisper. Practice speaking up no I have to go in a loud assertive voice. It may sound silly but if you are shy speaking up and finding your voice can take practice.

 

I do like the idea of telling your Dad so he can kick his azz. This guy deserves that and so much more.

 

If he says anything sexual again - tell him you are married if you say anything like that again I will tell your wife. That will stop him in his tracks.

 

Let him know you mean business. You are not interested in the attention he is giving you.

 

Take good care

 

Thanks for your input jj33. Your suggestions of just saying hello & not stopping to talk, saying no to hugs, saying I'm in a hurry and/or that I have to go were/are things that I was and I am already planning to do, the next time I end up running into him.

[jj33]

Thanks for your input Heather1. Unfortunately, because I'm so shy in general, I'm not exactly the most popular of people. I have a lot of acquaintances but, no one I actually consider a friend (if that makes sense). So, that means that I don't have a good male friend that I could ask to pretend to be my boyfriend at the moment. I could always lie & say I have one though (even though, I really don't ).

 

It sounds like you are on the right track. Dont lie and say you have a boyfriend. It only invites conversation from him (I wish I was your bf etc etc).

 

Less is more with this guy. Its also good practice for you. You will encounter men like this throughout your life and you need to get used to setting boundaries with these people.

 

Soon it will be a non event. You will brush them off without even thinking about it. Your internal radar will recognise them and you wont give them a second thought.

[freestyle]

and if he persists, ask him pointedly how his wife and kids are. That usually shuts them right down.

[jj33]

Unfortunately asking about wife and kids doesnt stop a lot of these people. It sometimes makes them think OK she knows and she is still here. I once spent an hour discussing a colleagues family and as I walked away he made a move on me. I was shocked. Discussing them and their family life which sounded very happy, didnt make a difference. And I had purposely steered the conversation in that direction thinking it made it safe (we were at a business dinner).

 

He knows you know he is married and has kids. How they are is not he point. The point is you dont want him behaving in appropriately towards you.

 

If you are going to mention his family I would suggest saying dont do that again or I will tell your wife.

 

Let him know you are not a co conspirator in this. You are not a safe person to be hitting on. So far you have been safe prey. That ends now.

 

The guy is a total sleazeball. Id like to punch his lights out myself.

 

This isnt a difficult situation once you know where you stand with it. It doesnt matter what he thinks or what he says so long as you know your own mind. And you know you dont want any physical contact with him. So that is that.

 

The problem is being flattered by it when you arent getting that kind of attention from other men. But you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. This is not the kind of attention you want.

[freestyle]

good point, JJ. It doesn't always work.It has worked for me in the past, but situations can be unique to the individuals, of course.

 

OP, you could be very blunt and say,"If you try to touch me again, I will send you back to your wife with a black eye and a note tied around your neck....":cool:

[Owl]

Golden, everyone here is on the money.

 

He chose you BECAUSE you were shy, quiet, and not accustomed to speaking up for yourself.

 

He chose you because of that over someone who WOULD speak up for herself, who would have set a boundary with him from the very beginning...over someone who wouldn't have tolerated his actions as far as you have.

 

He chose you because you were "safe" for him to do this to.

 

That should tick you off. It should help you see him for what he really is...and getting angry is the best way to help yourself enforce your boundaries.

 

DO NOT 'be polite' in any fashion with him the next time he approaches you. If he asks for a hug or anything else...face him directly...(use body language to back you up...face your shoulders and hips towards him directly, square your shoulders back, and look him directly in the eye...don't look away, flinch, or shuffle)...and tell him that things have gone too far, you aren't interested in playing, and that he needs to keep his hands off of you and his distance away from you. Say it in a strong, LOUD voice. It doesn't have to be angry...but it needs to be firm, strong, and LOUD.

 

Loud is what he doesn't want. He doesn't want attention drawn to what he's doing. Loud will scare him off. Confidance will scare him off. Firm boundaries loudly and firmly enforced will cause him to back away and go somewhere else.

 

Rehearse this to yourself if you need to.

 

And implement it the very next time he approaches you.

[Zale]

Great responses here Golden, but there's something you should be aware of.

 

This man is a gnat. An insect. Completely at your mercy, right under your bootheel. The fact that you haven't lowered yourself to act on his advances screams volumes about how formidable a person you are, but the fact remains that you've crossed some blurred lines with this older, married man. You've held his hand, you've felt his lips against your skin.

 

This is good. If you're smart enough to see the simple, revolting truth of what's going on here, then even if you don't want to let your father know, you still have a trump card.

 

Welcome the next time you have an opportunity to see him. Look forward to it. You have under your foot the power to destroy this pathetic man's life, and while I don't think you're the type to do so... just keep it in mind. Ask how his wife would react if she was to learn about his... persistence in getting your phone number.

 

Perhaps how his kids would feel, knowing that their father is a frothing dog who hounds the local college girls, some of whom he's known since they were, what, fifteen?

 

Confidence is the ultimate weapon at one's disposal, and the best way to build on it is to possess power. You have power over this gnat. You don't need to exercise it, by any means, but know you have it.

 

And I guarantee you, it would shell-shock him. This creepy little animal would back right off, knowing he's trying to bite off far more than he can chew with you. Threats can be a more effective tool than war, you know. This man crossed a line with you and you're under no obligation to protect him from the retribution he so clearly deserves.

 

Either way, best of luck.

 

- Z

[jj33]

You know what? I dont read closely enough. I didnt see that you live with your Dad.

 

Just threatening to tell your father may be enough to get him to back off. I can see why you wouldnt want to tell your father, it may not be the sort of father daughter chat you really want to have. But that being said this guy is not going to want to discuss this with your father. The mere thought will send him running.

 

If he doesnt back off immediately tell him try that again and I will be discussing this with your wife and my father. Threats are powerful as Zale said.

[Heather1]

Thanks for your input Heather1. Unfortunately, because I'm so shy in general, I'm not exactly the most popular of people. I have a lot of acquaintances but, no one I actually consider a friend (if that makes sense). So, that means that I don't have a good male friend that I could ask to pretend to be my boyfriend at the moment. I could always lie & say I have one though (even though, I really don't ).

 

Sweetie, tell your Dad (or someone you trust). I didn't realize you were that shy, I have to admit, I'm not shy @ all & have been hit on since I was 12. That just makes me sick that he probably knows how shy you are too. I told my friends about my cousin's H, not my parents. Every time he came to visit w/ my cousin, I was gone. If I HAD to be there I made sure I had a girlfriend w/ me who knew. I can't remember how old I was? Maybe 14? He reached up my top & tried to kiss me in the hall ON HIS WEDDING DAY!! I made my family leave. He must have been in his 40's, because he had a son at least 20, and my cousin was in her 20's. Anyway, caused a mini-scene & pretended I was sick but didn't tell my parents what happened. He actually died within the year??? My cousin is married to a great guy now. Get this dirtbag out of your life, he's broken your trust by even attempting to make a move. Stay away from him.

[Goldensilence]

Ok. So, a lot of you have mentioned telling my dad about this guy. Believe me, I haven't ruled that possibility out. I actually thought about doing it WAY before things even got to this point, when everything was just a suspicion and a feeling in my gut. Here's the thing though: As jj33 mentioned, it's not exactly the kind of talk I want to have with my father. It's already hard enough for me to talk to him about simpler things so, it's definitely hard for me to bring this up. Especially, when I feel like part of this is all my fault for leading the guy on, by not stopping him and instead encouraging him.

 

Now, I know my dad pretty well and I feel like there were would be two possible ways in which he would react if I told him about this.

 

One: He wouldn't believe me and think that I'm overreacting. Possibly, think that I can't have someone be "nice" to me without misinterpreting it or taking it the wrong way. Especially, considering that my dad thinks this guy is such as nice guy and actually likes him (though I understand he wouldn't prefer someone he hardly knows over his own flesh & blood). Whenever we see the guy, he mentions to me what a cool person he is & how nice he is, etc, etc.

 

Two: He WOULD believe me and try to do something crazy (that I probably don't even want to mention).

 

See, I don't like drama and I know for sure that when my dad gets mad, he doesn't even think straight so, I'd hate to know what would happen if I told him about this. Also, considering that we live in a place where everybody knows each other, I'd hate for others to find out about the issue. I hate gossip.

So, my plan is: To deal with this myself and telling my dad about it will be saved as a last resort in case anything else doesn't work.

 

I also tried telling someone whom I considered a friend once. She saw him once, when she came over to my place & was with me. Again, this was before things got to the point where they are now. I tried telling her about how I thought this guy possibly had some kind of interest in me but, before I even got to the details of why I thought so, she responded immaturely & I realized that she wasn't the right person to talk to about this.

[jj33]

Sweetie dont blame yourself. This guy was grooming you.

 

I can see why you wouldnt want to tell your Dad and if you feel strong enough to handle it yourself then dont. But if you have ANY

problems with him again, make sure you tell your Dad right away.

[Breezy Trousers]

This isn't a question directed at anyone in particular but just one that has popped into my head, that I thought I'd put out there for whomever might want to answer it or share their thoughts on it.

 

So, it's safe to assume that he just wants sex on the side from a younger female, right? Well then, why does he have to go after me? The shy, quiet, college girl, who minds her own business and whose wardrobe consists of nothing but jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers. Why not go after some girl who is more "out there" (if you get what I mean) and who will definitely give him what he wants? Wouldn't that make more sense?

 

 

That's an astute question, actually.

 

Why?

 

Read "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra Brown. She is an expert on this and explains chapter-by-chapter how predators specifically target and groom nice girls like you.

 

No emotionally mature 34-year-old man tries to hook up with a teenage girl. Men who are sick like this -- often men with personality disorders, such as narcissism or psychopathy -- tend to cultivate affairs with highly empathetic, vulnerable women they can dominate and control (ala Drew Peterson). These guys DO NOT want loud divas who might fight back. They deliberately target girls like you -- quiet, sweet, maybe a bit people pleasing? I'm only guessing ... If so, the very qualities that make you a wonderful person can, unfortunately, also make you the perfect target for a predator. Brown mentions one guy in her book who bragged he could be in a crowd of 200 women and find his "mark" in no time because he has a sixth sense for who to target.

 

This isn't about sex or love. It's about power, control and domination of an older man with a much younger girl.

 

This man's niceness is just an act. You know this. You're actually very strong & healthy, or you wouldn't be here. Your intuition is already loudly warning you, but I know how strong the pull can be when someone with power over you (job, age, etc) deliberately sets out to reel you in ... They are often practiced, cunning and intuitive at the game (hence the word "player") ...And this guy is good because you're tempted to operate against your own strong instincts ......... RUN.

 

Sorry for the dramatic response here, but I was sexually abused by a 52-year-old employer when I was 18. (And yes, like you, I'm quiet and shy.) I depended on this man for my livelihood in a town that was famous for unemployment at the time. Then I was pitched into a crisis overnight. My 52-year-old boss kindly came to my rescue. He offered to help me when I had no one in my life, and he was very gracious. Unfortunately, it turned out that I was being "helped" by a sexual predator, as I suspect your neighbor is. Without going into further detail -- I still have a bit of emotional scarring from this experience, and I'm 48 years old.

 

You don't need to do this. Please read the book, "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra Brown. I promise you: You will have your eyes opened ... WIDE. BTW, I hate the book's title. The book should really be called, "Why and How Predators Target Nice Women." It supports, not indicts, women who find themselves involved with predators.

 

Unfortunately, once you experience an abusive/unhealthy relationship with someone like this, it's common to inexplicably find yourself in OTHER similarly abusive experiences later in your life. That's another reason you should turn your back on this man. You may think you're risking just one potentially bad relationship at 19, but understand that if it proves to be emotionally traumatic for you, the trauma will often replicate itself later in your life many times over ... until you heal issues within yourself that make you susceptible to this pattern.

 

So please: RUN. Continue to come here for support. I know how strong the pull can be when these guys are making you feel incredibly special with all the staring, "stalking" and comments....

 

P.S. I was targeted by someone a while ago -- in middle age, no less! ... I said the same things as as you: "Of all people, why is this guy into ME?" ... I just didn't trust it ... So I pulled back, despite my intense attraction to him. It was tough. The guy finally showed me his true colors when he realized it wasn't going to happen () and immediately moved on ... but guess what? The woman he next targeted couldn't be more different from me physically; however, she does have one thing very much in common with me: a reputation for being "sweet, quiet and shy."

Edited January 20, 2011 by Breezy Trousers