Complicated Situation. Is this the beginning of an Affair? What is going on here?

January 9, 2011

This man is the same as any other child molester, he's just a bit smarter since he has waited till the poster is of legal age.

As others have said........he is busy grooming her and he senses her weaknesses and he is supplying what he thinks will get him what he wants.

Golden.....please address your low self esteem because if you don't you will have a difficult life in regards to your relationships with men and take it from someone who has caused herself a lot of pain over the years, get yourself as healthy emotionally as possible before embarking on any relationships. Please for your sake, don't be fooled and taken in by this man's attention. He is anything but a good man, he is very BAD!

January 9, 2011

Golden...

The one thing I picked up on more than anything, in your original post, is that it doesn't feel like you're a willing participant in this... like he's pulling you along, dragging you in, with your resisting every step of the way. So, why do you keep allowing it? I read your responses about self esteem, but I am sure you get plenty of attention from other men as well.

I suspect, being shy, you have a hard time saying no as well. Plus, this guy is a neighbor, you're on friendly terms, you don't want to appear impolite or rude. That's normal human nature.

But you are smart enough to know this won't go anywhere good. Although I think our society has gone to wrong extremes on age differences in relationships, in this particular case, this guy *is* being very predatory and calculating. He has fantasized about having sex with you for years, now he's working on making it real.

You need to stop this. You know that.

If you need help with your self esteem, talk to a counselor at school, see a shrink, or find a nice, single, man, to fall in love with - one who will love you, cherish you, see you for the awesome woman you are...

SoMovinOn, you mentioned that it doesn't feel like I'm a willing participant in this. That it seems like he's pulling me along, dragging me in, with me resisting every step of the way. I'm not trying to play the role of the victim here, but, it seems that way because to a certain extent it is. I'm resistant and hesistant every step of the way because I know that I SHOULDN'T be involved with a married man in any way whatsoever. I know that if I were married, I wouldn't want my husband flirting with or hitting on someone else and in this case, I don't want to be the "other woman" that he cheats on his wife with. As you might've read in some of my previous post, I have a bit of a "crush" on this guy. It happened over time, and it was BEFORE he confessed his so-called feelings to me. I've never acted on anything though. He was and still is the one who initiates everything. I don't even say "hi" to him first believe it or not. Why do I keep allowing this to go on? Well...I guess that to a certain extent, it all goes back to my self-esteem issues. In other words, I know that what is going on here is wrong yet, it feels good to get a bit of attention from time to time. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I want him to put his moves on me but, just to know that someone "likes" you and finds you "attractive" is kind of nice. For someone who's never exactly felt like she was worthy of "looking at" or getting someone's attention, it's like "Well, if he likes me and finds me attractive...I wonder who else does too (if anyone at all)" So, it's a bit of an ego boost. I apologize if I'm not making any sense here.

You mentioned in your post that you're sure I get plenty of attention from other men as well. The truth is, I don't. To be honest with you, I don't think I would even be in this situation if I did. The last guy, I had pay me a compliment was some guy who works in my apartment building. He's probably around the same age as the guy from my original post, and one day while we were talking, my hair became the topic of conversation for a slight second (in a non-creepy way) and he told me that I was "beautiful" and asked whether I actually see all of this "beauty" when I look in the mirror or if I needed him to remind me and tell me how "beautiful" I am. The part that is difficult for me to understand at times is: Why do older guys find me "attractive"? Why don't any guys my age think or feel the same way?

But, anyway, getting back to your post, I HAVE thought about going to see someone about my self-esteem and shyness issues. I know that this is something that I definitely need to work on because my issues aren't just about me not feeling or seeing myself as attractive. They are about me not feeling good about myself as a whole. I'll stop here because I don't want to seem as if I'm trying to be a sob story.

January 9, 2011

This man is the same as any other child molester, he's just a bit smarter since he has waited till the poster is of legal age.
As others have said........he is busy grooming her and he senses her weaknesses and he is supplying what he thinks will get him what he wants.

Golden.....please address your low self esteem because if you don't you will have a difficult life in regards to your relationships with men and take it from someone who has caused herself a lot of pain over the years, get yourself as healthy emotionally as possible before embarking on any relationships. Please for your sake, don't be fooled and taken in by this man's attention. He is anything but a good man, he is very BAD!

Thanks for your input BB07. You're right. I DO need to address my low self-esteem issues. I'm just not completely sure about where to start. I've thought about going to see a counselor at my school. They claim the services are free and confidential but, since I'm so damn shy, I've never actually had the balls to go in there and ask about their services.

January 9, 2011

This man is the same as any other child molester, he's just a bit smarter since he has waited till the poster is of legal age.
As others have said........he is busy grooming her and he senses her weaknesses and he is supplying what he thinks will get him what he wants.

Golden.....please address your low self esteem because if you don't you will have a difficult life in regards to your relationships with men and take it from someone who has caused herself a lot of pain over the years, get yourself as healthy emotionally as possible before embarking on any relationships. Please for your sake, don't be fooled and taken in by this man's attention. He is anything but a good man, he is very BAD!

I agree with this. I just wanted to reiterate it - this man is a predator who preys on weakness.

He's having fun with this and he won't stop until he either gets what he wants or you tell him to eff off in no uncertain terms.

I also agree with whoever above said to tell your dad.

January 9, 2011

Golden, you probably are beautiful and by reading your posts here you certainly seem intelligent and well spoken. I suspect that it is your shyness more than anything else that is hindering you from meeting boys your own age.

A lot of people misread shyness as being standoffish or aloof. People don't know how to approach someone who is shy as they sometimes think the shy person is not open to being approached and they don't want to be rejected. I was in much the same situation when I was young. Beautiful and smart but painfully shy and lacking in self esteem. Because of the shyness, I too was usually only approached by men who were older and experienced, because they weren't put off by my quiet shyness. While other guys saw my shyness as a boundary that they didn't want to cross, the older guys had no such respect for me. You also asked why doesn't this guy go for more "out there" women. Possibly because more out there women wouldn't give this guy the time of day. He has competition when dealing with more worldly experienced women. They will look at him and know that he's just some lame dude with a wife and children, looking for a little somthin somthin on the side.

I wasn't able to see all of this when I was young. I wanted attention so badly that I made the mistake of opening my heart up to people who did not have my best interest at heart. I just want to tell you to hang in there and give yourself time to develop. Don't give your heart away to the first person who gives you affection and makes you feel special. Be patient. As you age and get more experience, you will overcome your shyness. Maybe not completely, but you will come out of your shell and meet some great people, so long as you are patient and don't fall for any jerks (this guy is a jerk). You probably are a lot more beautiful than you realize (like the other guy told you) but you don't hear it enough because you are shy. You didn't mention it, but are just really shy around males? or do you feel shy around everyone?

January 9, 2011

Golden, you probably are beautiful and by reading your posts here you certainly seem intelligent and well spoken. I suspect that it is your shyness more than anything else that is hindering you from meeting boys your own age.

A lot of people misread shyness as being standoffish or aloof. People don't know how to approach someone who is shy as they sometimes think the shy person is not open to being approached and they don't want to be rejected. I was in much the same situation when I was young. Beautiful and smart but painfully shy and lacking in self esteem. Because of the shyness, I too was usually only approached by men who were older and experienced, because they weren't put off by my quiet shyness. While other guys saw my shyness as a boundary that they didn't want to cross, the older guys had no such respect for me. You also asked why doesn't this guy go for more "out there" women. Possibly because more out there women wouldn't give this guy the time of day. He has competition when dealing with more worldly experienced women. They will look at him and know that he's just some lame dude with a wife and children, looking for a little somthin somthin on the side.

I wasn't able to see all of this when I was young. I wanted attention so badly that I made the mistake of opening my heart up to people who did not have my best interest at heart. I just want to tell you to hang in there and give yourself time to develop. Don't give your heart away to the first person who gives you affection and makes you feel special. Be patient. As you age and get more experience, you will overcome your shyness. Maybe not completely, but you will come out of your shell and meet some great people, so long as you are patient and don't fall for any jerks (this guy is a jerk). You probably are a lot more beautiful than you realize (like the other guy told you) but you don't hear it enough because you are shy. You didn't mention it, but are just really shy around males? or do you feel shy around everyone?

Thanks for your input alexandria35. I do consider myself intelligent. But not just book smart even though I do currently have a 3.9 GPA in school (not that I'm bragging). Anyway, I have seen my shyness as part of the reason as to why guys don't approach me (even if they might actually like me) but, as I mentioned before, it's still something that I'm trying to work on. I feel as if I have improved in terms of my shyness over the years but, I still have A LOT of work ahead of me.

To answer your question, I'm a shy person in general. It doesn't matter whether I'm around males, females, or both. I do however, become even more shy when I'm around a guy or guys that I like and that I'm interested in. It sounds corny, but, I get nervous and that just makes things much more difficult for me.

January 9, 2011

Thanks for your input alexandria35. I do consider myself intelligent. But not just book smart even though I do currently have a 3.9 GPA in school (not that I'm bragging). Anyway, I have seen my shyness as part of the reason as to why guys don't approach me (even if they might actually like me) but, as I mentioned before, it's still something that I'm trying to work on. I feel as if I have improved in terms of my shyness over the years but, I still have A LOT of work ahead of me.

To answer your question, I'm a shy person in general. It doesn't matter whether I'm around males, females, or both. I do however, become even more shy when I'm around a guy or guys that I like and that I'm interested in. It sounds corny, but, I get nervous and that just makes things much more difficult for me.

Okay the reason I asked is because hanging out with a group of girls can be a great way to meet new people and to get introduced to lots of guys..lol. And since you are part of a group it takes some of the pressure off that having one on one conversation can cause. Easier said than done right? I myself usually only have a few close friends and don't often get involved in group activities. I have found that when entering a new social situation it helps if you bring a good friend with you. Sorry if this isn't helpful, I don't know what your social life is like so I'm just talking from my own experience.

It's not corny at all that you become even more shy when you get around a guy who you really like. Happens to the best of us. When we care about impressing someone it makes us even more self conscious than we already are. Here's the thing though....you are most attractive when you are relaxed and being yourself. I remember being among guys that I didn't have any romantic interest in. Since that tension wasn't there I would totally relax and be myself with them. Interestingly, those were always the guys that fell madly in love with me. The guys I desperately wanted to impress never gave me the time of day but some of them probably would have if I could have relaxed and been more real to them.

January 9, 2011

I have a question, Golden: Knowing what everyone has told you so far what are you planning on doing the next time you see him? Or if he emails you again?

It's funny you ask because I was thinking about this answer BEFORE I even started this thread. First off, I HIGHLY doubt he'll email me again. At least not, while he hasn't seen me. Plus, he's made it pretty clear that he would prefer having my number over my email address but it's ok because he's not getting it. As for what do I plan to do the next time I see him? Well, he usually wants a hug so, I plan on just walking past him without hugging him or acknowledging him much and if he says anything I'll just tell him that I have to go and can't stay and talk.

January 9, 2011

This guy is a creepy predator. How I wish we the older women on this board could sit down with you and bluntly teach you the ways of such men.

First of all, realize that most men with a pulse will be attracted to a sweet young thing like you are and it's not because they want to be 'friends'. Even the really old ones are fantasizing about your crotch - truly! and the sweeter and more naive the better. They don't want the young skanks - nooo, they want the sweet innocent ones.

You need to give such guys what I call the ICE treatment. Stare at him, up and down, roll your eyes, and move on. He is a PIG!

January 9, 2011

It's funny you ask because I was thinking about this answer BEFORE I even started this thread. First off, I HIGHLY doubt he'll email me again. At least not, while he hasn't seen me. Plus, he's made it pretty clear that he would prefer having my number over my email address but it's ok because he's not getting it. As for what do I plan to do the next time I see him? Well, he usually wants a hug so, I plan on just walking past him without hugging him or acknowledging him much and if he says anything I'll just tell him that I have to go and can't stay and talk.

I just want to caution you about something, unless you make it very clear to this man, such as telling him to f off, he is not going to give up. Oh, he will make it subtle and he'll play the angle of you misunderstood and he would never do anything like that but beware golden........men like this are very tricky and sly. He has also proved himself to be someone who is a sleezeball. No self respecting mm with children in his 30's corners up a young woman who is 19 and touches her or hugs her under the pretense of just being nice. Now......one more thing, this may sound harsh but your willingness to go along with him so far, (by allowing him to hug you) has only fed his hunger for you. Get rude with him, make it clear in no uncertain terms you are not someone he can play with or else you will bring suffering and pain upon yourself.

This is serious Golden, how you handle this is indicative of the rest of your life. You do not want to start your first relationship with a man in this way. You are better than that.

January 9, 2011

Golden, you have gotten some great responses here and it sounds like you are paying attention. Regarding your shyness and self esteem issues, first realize you arent alone. There are tons of young women who feel the way that you do, even a lot of outgoing girls your age have HUGE self esteem issues. I recommend that you do get some counseling. If you cant seem to actually go into the office at school, call them on the phone and ask questions, that way it may make it a bit easier for you. Hopefully the person you talk to on the phone will help put you at ease, so thats at least a start. second, how about volunteering for something you are passionate about? If you like/love animals, its a great way to help out and come out of your shell a bit. Its easier to be around animals when you are shy adn you will still meet people but in a less scary environment. Working with kids can be great as well.

Regarding the Predator, he DOES sense how you are interested and that you cant say no. THat is a HUGE turn on, aside from the fact that you are a pretty young thing. Also, asking you for a hug everytime he sees you IS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE and a total crossing of personal boundaries. Can you imagine him asking a grown female neighbor for a hug? thats actually funny. Soooo I recommend that if you cant tell him calmly to leave you the F alone, or as one poster said, ask him sweetly about his wife and kids you can tell him your dad is aware of his interest and leave it at that. Say something like, hey my dad saw us and was asking me about you, or you could even tell him you will tell your dad or you did already. Practice this and figure out which thing that you can say. If you simply did tell him youre not interested, he would probably try harder or do the poor little hurt me or even better, the angry upset trick. If he is as talented a predator as he appears to be, he will play it whatever way will work with you.

This is a good opportunity for you to practice strengthening your self esteem. You are smart for coming here to post, good for you! So now take the next step and work on you so men like this wont even phase you, annnnd you can start meeting some guys your age and feel even better about yourself.

Keep us posted please

Izzy

January 9, 2011

geez, men like this make my skin crawl.

They know their bullsh*t isn't going to work on an woman his own age, a woman with more experience under her belt---so he targets someone who doesn't have the advantage of experience.

OP-for your own sake-save your love and attention for someone who's interested in you from the neck up, first.

January 9, 2011

I just want to caution you about something, unless you make it very clear to this man, such as telling him to f off, he is not going to give up. Oh, he will make it subtle and he'll play the angle of you misunderstood and he would never do anything like that but beware golden........men like this are very tricky and sly. He has also proved himself to be someone who is a sleezeball. No self respecting mm with children in his 30's corners up a young woman who is 19 and touches her or hugs her under the pretense of just being nice. Now......one more thing, this may sound harsh but your willingness to go along with him so far, (by allowing him to hug you) has only fed his hunger for you. Get rude with him, make it clear in no uncertain terms you are not someone he can play with or else you will bring suffering and pain upon yourself.
This is serious Golden, how you handle this is indicative of the rest of your life. You do not want to start your first relationship with a man in this way. You are better than that.

BB07, I realize you're right. I do need to tell this guy to f##k off. I just need to work up the balls to do it (which I'll try my best to do ). Trust me, I'm not trying to sound like a know-it-all here but, by now I have already seen how slick he can be. I've seen how he works. He plays the role of the nice, friendly guy who is just making small talk with a fellow neighbor & when no one is around or looking, he starts acting flirty, starts telling me about he "likes" me, hugs me, holds my hand, etc.

Yes, I do realize that unfortunately by allowing all of this to happen up until now, I've only added more fuel to the fire. So, it's my job to put an end to it. I also, do realize that no decent (and in your words) self-respecting Married man with kids would go after someone my age or anyone else for that matter. If he had respect for himself, his wife, and his family in general, he wouldn't be doing something like this.

January 9, 2011

Golden, you have gotten some great responses here and it sounds like you are paying attention. Regarding your shyness and self esteem issues, first realize you arent alone. There are tons of young women who feel the way that you do, even a lot of outgoing girls your age have HUGE self esteem issues. I recommend that you do get some counseling. If you cant seem to actually go into the office at school, call them on the phone and ask questions, that way it may make it a bit easier for you. Hopefully the person you talk to on the phone will help put you at ease, so thats at least a start. second, how about volunteering for something you are passionate about? If you like/love animals, its a great way to help out and come out of your shell a bit. Its easier to be around animals when you are shy adn you will still meet people but in a less scary environment. Working with kids can be great as well.

Regarding the Predator, he DOES sense how you are interested and that you cant say no. THat is a HUGE turn on, aside from the fact that you are a pretty young thing. Also, asking you for a hug everytime he sees you IS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE and a total crossing of personal boundaries. Can you imagine him asking a grown female neighbor for a hug? thats actually funny. Soooo I recommend that if you cant tell him calmly to leave you the F alone, or as one poster said, ask him sweetly about his wife and kids you can tell him your dad is aware of his interest and leave it at that. Say something like, hey my dad saw us and was asking me about you, or you could even tell him you will tell your dad or you did already. Practice this and figure out which thing that you can say. If you simply did tell him youre not interested, he would probably try harder or do the poor little hurt me or even better, the angry upset trick. If he is as talented a predator as he appears to be, he will play it whatever way will work with you.
This is a good opportunity for you to practice strengthening your self esteem. You are smart for coming here to post, good for you! So now take the next step and work on you so men like this wont even phase you, annnnd you can start meeting some guys your age and feel even better about yourself.

Keep us posted please

Izzy

Hey Izzy. Thanks for the advice and tips on how to handle this situation. I appreciate your input. I really like your idea about calling my school's counseling service office to ask questions about how it works. I was actually thinking about doing this not too long ago. I figure, this way I can hopefully gain some information about how things work and I'll kind of be anonymous because they'll only be hearing my voice instead of actually interacting with me face-to-face. This might take some of the stress and/or pressure off of the situation. Then depending on how that goes, I'll take it from there. If I like what I hear, I might even ask if I can make an appointment or something for the beginning of the semester. If not, then I guess I'll look for other options elsewhere.

As for volunteering for stuff, I don't know how I feel about that. I've thought about joining clubs at school but, I keep putting it off. I actually joined a couple of them last year but, I quit them both after the first couple of meetings.

I also like your ideas regarding this guy. I'll try my best to use one of them the next time I see him. Hopefully, I won't fall back into "shy mode" and not say s##t.

January 9, 2011

BB07, I realize you're right. I do need to tell this guy to f##k off. I just need to work up the balls to do it (which I'll try my best to do ). Trust me, I'm not trying to sound like a know-it-all here but, by now I have already seen how slick he can be. I've seen how he works. He plays the role of the nice, friendly guy who is just making small talk with a fellow neighbor & when no one is around or looking, he starts acting flirty, starts telling me about he "likes" me, hugs me, holds my hand, etc.
Yes, I do realize that unfortunately by allowing all of this to happen up until now, I've only added more fuel to the fire. So, it's my job to put an end to it. I also, do realize that no decent (and in your words) self-respecting Married man with kids would go after someone my age or anyone else for that matter. If he had respect for himself, his wife, and his family in general, he wouldn't be doing something like this.

<<<Stands up and does a cart-wheel and claps hands!

Now you are getting it......and you don't owe him one f'ing thing, tell yourself that over and over. You don't need to be nice to him, you don't have to be kind. He is NOTHING but a sleezebag and again.......do not let him even start to begin to explain himself. There is no explanation other than what a sleezebag he is.

I'm glad you came here golden, if you were my daughter I would be so proud that you had the good sense to question what was going on, instead of acting without thought.

And.............I so wish that when I was your age, then someone had told me about men like him. Like you.....I was naive and didn't comprehend what was really going on until I got myself into a situation with a "so called family friend" and he almost raped me.

January 9, 2011

<<<Stands up and does a cart-wheel and claps hands!
Now you are getting it......and you don't owe him one f'ing thing, tell yourself that over and over. You don't need to be nice to him, you don't have to be kind. He is NOTHING but a sleezebag and again.......do not let him even start to begin to explain himself. There is no explanation other than what a sleezebag he is.

I'm glad you came here golden, if you were my daughter I would be so proud that you had the good sense to question what was going on, instead of acting without thought.
And.............I so wish that when I was your age, then someone had told me about men like him. Like you.....I was naive and didn't comprehend what was really going on until I got myself into a situation with a "so called family friend" and he almost raped me.

BB07, this post really made me smile.

Again, I don't want to sound like I "know-it-all" here but, I think the problem here is (or was)...not that I wasn't aware of what was going on or that I didn't understand it because to be honest, I've always sensed something weird and odd about the whole situation from the beginning. I always questioned..."What man in his right mind who's in his 30's & married with kids would pursue someone my age? If he's looking to cheat, why not chase after someone his own age?" You know, questions like that always popped into my head. So, I was aware that something wasn't right here which is why I've always been hesistant and resistant to anything that involved him. The problem is (was) that I sometimes let my self-esteem issues get in the way and allow them to cloud my judgement. I'm going to find a way to work on that though, because I can't allow my ability to rationalize & comprehend things to be clouded by some stupidity.

And by the way, I'm sorry to hear about what happened or almost happened with that so-called "family friend" of yours.

January 10, 2011

BB07, this post really made me smile.
Again, I don't want to sound like I "know-it-all" here but, I think the problem here is (or was)...not that I wasn't aware of what was going on or that I didn't understand it because to be honest, I've always sensed something weird and odd about the whole situation from the beginning. I always questioned..."What man in his right mind who's in his 30's & married with kids would pursue someone my age? If he's looking to cheat, why not chase after someone his own age?" You know, questions like that always popped into my head. So, I was aware that something wasn't right here which is why I've always been hesistant and resistant to anything that involved him. The problem is (was) that I sometimes let my self-esteem issues get in the way and allow them to cloud my judgement. I'm going to find a way to work on that though, because I can't allow my ability to rationalize & comprehend things to be clouded by some stupidity.

And by the way, I'm sorry to hear about what happened or almost happened with that so-called "family friend" of yours.

Glad I made you smile.......

Work on yourself, and that self esteem so you will have the good sense to be good to you and so you will know the difference between the wolves in sheep's clothing and the good guys.

Well that "family friend" incident scared me but it did give me a lot more awareness to not get myself into dangerous situations and it also taught me a hard lesson about older guys so called kindness not always being what it seemed to be. He was a wolf.

January 10, 2011

This whole thread reminds me of something that happened to me when I was 19...

First off I was very shy, introverted, with low self esteem as well. At the time I thought I was ugly, now I realize I wasn't all that bad. One day while waiting at a bus stop a middle aged man drove up to me and talked me into his car. He was aggressive and persistent, I was young and very much like what the OP described... almost incapable of arguing back.

I get in, he starts going on about his marriage, how miserable he is, can't stand his wife, how he wants to have a good time, and could he have my phone number? He was extremely aggressive in his words and demeanor. I gave him a fake number, he eventually let me out (but not after some very light fondling).

Looking back, I can't believe I didn't fight back! The person I am today would have punched the man in his face. But I was young and scared back then... he was a very large man, pushy, almost like his presence was overwhelming.

These older men can be very pushy and persistent. But creeps like what Golden describes and the man I encountered are predators. It makes me shudder.

Wow, LisaLee. That's crazy. I'm glad nothing too bad happened to you that day. See, I wouldn't actually get into someone's car. But, there's a difference between the guy you encountered and the guy I was/am dealing with here. You said the guy you encountered was extremely aggressive and persistent, he was very large, and pushy. The guy in my case is actually "nice" and "friendly". People like him. He's big in size (not fat, just a big build) and he's not aggressive. Persistent yes, aggressive no. He's very nice and helpful to people. He even helped my dad when he had car trouble once. So, in a sense it'd be kind of hard to believe that he would do something like he has been doing but, there you have it. I guess it goes to show that you never really know who you could be dealing with.

January 10, 2011

This whole thread reminds me of something that happened to me when I was 19...

First off I was very shy, introverted, with low self esteem as well. At the time I thought I was ugly, now I realize I wasn't all that bad. One day while waiting at a bus stop a middle aged man drove up to me and talked me into his car. He was aggressive and persistent, I was young and very much like what the OP described... almost incapable of arguing back.

I get in, he starts going on about his marriage, how miserable he is, can't stand his wife, how he wants to have a good time, and could he have my phone number? He was extremely aggressive in his words and demeanor. I gave him a fake number, he eventually let me out (but not after some very light fondling).

Looking back, I can't believe I didn't fight back! The person I am today would have punched the man in his face. But I was young and scared back then... he was a very large man, pushy, almost like his presence was overwhelming.

These older men can be very pushy and persistent. But creeps like what Golden describes and the man I encountered are predators. It makes me shudder.

It sounds outrageous now but I totally understand how that happened to you. My parents, especially my step father, were control freaks. They demanded complete and immediate obedience from me. I was never to argue or give my opinion. I was never to complain or share my feelings. If I ever stepped out of line my punishment was immediate and severe. As a result I could not speak up for myself as a teenager. I had been conditioned to obey. Once I had sex with an older man simply because he demanded it. I wasn't the least bit attracted to him and I felt repulsed afterwards but when it happened I was litterally frozen in place...I honestly didn't know how to speak up and say F**k Off.

January 10, 2011

A big problem I had at your age was worrying about being nice and not wanting to be rude. I was so worried about hurting someone's feelings no matter how they were acting towards me.

Trust me, if you elbow him in the ribs next time he tries to hug you, you won't look back on that with regret. And you won't do any damage to his psyche for sure.

January 10, 2011

It's time you realize that in the few years, you've probably blossomed & feel the same as when you first met him & don't understand what's going on. I went from 5'2" to 5'9" in a short period of time & had no clue that men were interested in me. I was hit on by my cousin's husband, ON THEIR WEDDING DAY!! I think he was in his 30's? maybe older, but I learned then & there to put my guard up around older men. He's just seeing what he can get away w/ now (coping feels??). He has every intention of having sex w/ you, don't mistake that.

Here's the rule of thumb of thumb w/ men, if they smile @ you they want to have sex with you. If you let them hug, etc., they look at that as a green light. My first thought was total dirt bag (& yeah, I still kinda think that). But because you're not placing boundaries, he's thinking it's OK.

I was hit on twice when I was single & in my 20's by MM. One I politely declined the second he put his hand on my shoulder, and I got fired. The 2nd I considered a friend (and he was gorgeous) & was literally crying on his shoulder. He asked if he could kiss me, and I said made a promise to myself I'd never go for a MM because once I did, I felt like I'd cross a line (boundary) I might never go back. He was OK w/ that. That's all you need to say to this guy, minimal drama, red light.

January 10, 2011

A big problem I had at your age was worrying about being nice and not wanting to be rude. I was so worried about hurting someone's feelings no matter how they were acting towards me.

Trust me, if you elbow him in the ribs next time he tries to hug you, you won't look back on that with regret. And you won't do any damage to his psyche for sure.

You're right. I do worry about being "nice" and not coming off as rude. I think that's why I sometimes don't say or do the things that I really want to. I have the thoughts of what I want to say. I just don't speak my mind as often as I should or would like to.

January 10, 2011

It's time you realize that in the few years, you've probably blossomed & feel the same as when you first met him & don't understand what's going on. I went from 5'2" to 5'9" in a short period of time & had no clue that men were interested in me. I was hit on by my cousin's husband, ON THEIR WEDDING DAY!! I think he was in his 30's? maybe older, but I learned then & there to put my guard up around older men. He's just seeing what he can get away w/ now (coping feels??). He has every intention of having sex w/ you, don't mistake that.

Here's the rule of thumb of thumb w/ men, if they smile @ you they want to have sex with you. If you let them hug, etc., they look at that as a green light. My first thought was total dirt bag (& yeah, I still kinda think that). But because you're not placing boundaries, he's thinking it's OK.

I was hit on twice when I was single & in my 20's by MM. One I politely declined the second he put his hand on my shoulder, and I got fired. The 2nd I considered a friend (and he was gorgeous) & was literally crying on his shoulder. He asked if he could kiss me, and I said made a promise to myself I'd never go for a MM because once I did, I felt like I'd cross a line (boundary) I might never go back. He was OK w/ that. That's all you need to say to this guy, minimal drama, red light.

You're right. I should've made my boundaries clear earlier in this whole thing. I figured that he would see the hugs, etc as a green light but, I didn't stop it. That I'll admit. I actually remember the last time I saw him. He came over to me with open arms and I just stood there. He said: "What? No hug?" and instead of saying: "No. No hug" or something to that extent, I just let him hug me. That was a mistake on my part and I admit it. I should've stopped all of this earlier.

Thanks for your input though, Heather1.

January 11, 2011

This isn't a question directed at anyone in particular but just one that has popped into my head, that I thought I'd put out there for whomever might want to answer it or share their thoughts on it.

So, it's safe to assume that he just wants sex on the side from a younger female, right? Well then, why does he have to go after me? The shy, quiet, college girl, who minds her own business and whose wardrobe consists of nothing but jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers. Why not go after some girl who is more "out there" (if you get what I mean) and who will definitely give him what he wants? Wouldn't that make more sense?

You are a challenge, a feed to his ego, and have just low enough self esteem to not immediately tell the creepy pervert to go take a hike. I'm so disturbed by him. He's a predator. He knew you would eat all that up and come begging for more once the crush got started. This man has psychopath written all over him.

January 11, 2011

BB07, I realize you're right. I do need to tell this guy to f##k off. I just need to work up the balls to do it (which I'll try my best to do ). Trust me, I'm not trying to sound like a know-it-all here but, by now I have already seen how slick he can be. I've seen how he works. He plays the role of the nice, friendly guy who is just making small talk with a fellow neighbor & when no one is around or looking, he starts acting flirty, starts telling me about he "likes" me, hugs me, holds my hand, etc.
Yes, I do realize that unfortunately by allowing all of this to happen up until now, I've only added more fuel to the fire. So, it's my job to put an end to it. I also, do realize that no decent (and in your words) self-respecting Married man with kids would go after someone my age or anyone else for that matter. If he had respect for himself, his wife, and his family in general, he wouldn't be doing something like this.

This was me at 17. Omg I just want to grab you away from the situation because I know no matter how much courage you work up away from him you will not follow through when his next advance comes around. He is waiting til you go home, he will pounce just as he always has. I know you probably balk at the idea but tell your dad...please please please confide in him. He will put a stop to it like a grown man should, where you are not in the mindset or capability to do so.

For what I can bare to share of my story, I was a young, naive, socially rejected, overweight, insecure 16 year old virgin when I first met my friends uncle. 34 at the time as well, go figure. For a year I hung out with my friend and got enamored by his compliments, stares, innuendos, etc. I would even make extra care to try and look even nicer when I knew I would cross his paths...but it didn't matter, I could look like Hell and he would push the compliments even harder. Then one night at (just turned) 17 he was the adult in charge. He bought liquor, he got me so drunk, whispered in my ear and asked if he could kiss me, I said yes. Asked if he could do more, I kept saying yes, until I was parked in the car losing my virginity a block away from my house, where he dropped me off right after. Never to say a word to me again. Oh but word sure got out, straight to my mother even as apparently he was bragging to the neighbor douchebags about hitting that piece of virgin azz and that I called him the next day panicked that

I was bleeding and didn't know what to do (which was total bs). I was humiliated in front of my friends, neighbors, family, and everywhere I turned. I begged my mom not to try to get him on statutory rape. I felt so ashamed because I liked him, led him on maybe even and ultimately said yes. But as an adult, I see things and people like him for what they really are. It's not pretty and it won't end well. The best thing that could happen is for your dad to go kick his azz and tell his wife what he's been doing.

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Complicated Situation. Is this the beginning of an Affair? What is going on here?

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