Complicated Situation. Is this the beginning of an Affair? What is going on here?

January 8, 2011

Hey guys,

I'm new to the forums and I have found myself in a situation that is unlike any other I've been in before and I guess I'm just seeking some advice and guidance without being judged.

Here's my situation:

I'm a 19 year old girl and there's this man who's 34. He's a neighbor of mine. We live in the same apartment building and he is someone that I’ve known since I was about 15 or 16. When I say “I’ve known”, I mean that we’ve been acquaintances since then. We would say “hello” when we ran into each other, make small talk, etc. But things were never too personal between us. He’s a pretty friendly guy and is nice to everyone so, I never thought much of his actions but, at one point; I started noticing that his behavior towards me was a little different. He was always being nice to me and my dad whom I'm pretty close to and whom I live with. He would also stare at me and when I caught him staring at me, he would actually hold eye contact with me longer than you normally would hold eye contact with someone. He would always look at me as I was walked past him. He would go out of his way to say hello to me and would always find something to say to me or find some way to grab my attention. This all became apparent when I was 18 years old. He had even asked me for my email address twice in the past but, I never gave it to him. Of course, the problem here is that he’s married and has kids.

Skipping ahead a little bit, one morning this past October, I was downstairs in the lobby and we ran into each other. He said hello to me and made some small talk. After a bit of small talk, there was slight pause where no words were spoken. He just stared into my eyes. I finally broke the silence by saying “So…what’s up?” He responded with “nothing” and before I knew it, he was telling me about how he has a weakness for me which he said he’s had for a while and that I’m gorgeous. I was speechless and didn’t know how to respond to his confession so, I just said “thank you” after he called me gorgeous. Afterwards, he asked for a hug so, we hugged. Then, he asked if he could call me as he reached for his phone. I just responded with “Maybe” as I was leaving and he walked away. Trust me, I understand that was a bad move on my part because I should've just flat out said "no".

Ever since then, we’d see each other in the mornings while I was on my way out to school (I’m in college) and he was on his way back home. He always wanted a hug so; we’d hug and talk for a bit. One morning, he asked for my number again but, I didn’t give it him. That same day, he ran into me in the afternoon, and asked for my number again. I was tempted to give it to him but, I just couldn’t. As I stated earlier, we’d see each other in the mornings, hug, talk, and hold hands. One day, he asked that I accompany him to the elevator. We got to the elevator, continued the conversation and then he asked if he could hold me. I said “ok” and before I knew it, he was holding me in his arms. He told me that he liked me so much. He said it twice, then asked if he could call me. I pulled away and offered him my email address instead. He took it, and said that we could email each other back and forth. We talked a bit more and when it was time for me to leave, he gave me one last tight hug and a lingering kiss on my forehead. He emailed me that same day to ask how my day was going. I responded with a couple of sentences and he asked about what I had mentioned in the email, a few days later when he saw me again. We’d see each other about 3 times a week and each time we’d hug, talk for a bit, hold hands, and stare into each others’ eyes.

One morning in December, we were talking while we were waiting for the elevator to come downstairs. He gestured for a hug so, I walked over to him and he held me in his arms. He stared into my eyes, caressed my jawline, and told me about how gorgeous he thought I was.Then kissed me on the lips. I know this probably sounds weird but, I was so surprised and shocked that he actually kissed me that I froze. I didn’t even move my lips. After the kiss, he just looked me in the eye and I looked away. Eventually, I broke out of his arms. We talked and at one point, he asked if I had a boyfriend. I said “no” and he asked “why not?” I explained that I don’t really like the guys at my school at the moment. The conversation continued and then he asked if I taste as good as I look. I looked away and shrugged my shoulders. The question made me nervous and uncomfortable, especially since I’m shy. He said: “Well, I hope I can get to find out some time” I walked away and didn’t say anything. This was the first time he mentioned something sexual in our conversations. Most of the time our conversations were and are clean and appropriate.

Recently, I’ve been on my winter break from school so, I haven’t seen him since. About a week after he kissed me, he sent me an email asking when he could see me again. I responded by telling him that it all depended on nature’s course and when our paths crossed again. He responded back by saying that we could make that possible. I responded back with “If you say so”. He didn’t respond to my last message and he hasn’t emailed me since. I haven’t emailed him either. I’ve been tempted to but, I haven’t done it because I know that I can’t pursue a married man with a family. We only have a total of about 9 or 10 email messages between the two of us and they are each no more than 2 sentences long. So, it’s not too big of a deal.

As of now, I don’t know when I’ll see him again but, my guess is that it’ll be when I start going to school again or whenever I go out early in the morning again.

I’m a shy, quiet, girl whose main focus is school. I don’t dress or act provocatively. I keep to myself. I’m not a fan of cheating and I have never been involved with a married man. This is a new situation which is why it’s difficult for me to deal with at times, especially considering that I like him too. I never planned to like him but, it happened. He has told me that he likes me but, I haven’t told him that I like him. I try not to make it obvious that I like him by trying to avoid the eye contact, not smiling, and trying to keep a distance between us when we talk. He’s always the one initiating the staring, hugging, hand holding, and even the kiss (although I know I’m not completely innocent here since it DOES takes two to tango).

Anyway, sorry for the LONG post. I guess what I'm asking here is: Is this the beginning of an Affair? What does he want from me? (Sounds like a stupid question, I know) Or better yet....Why me? What is going on here?

Any other advice/input would be appreciated.

January 8, 2011

Goldensilence show this post to your dad so he can kick this guys ass. Seriously. He waited till you were 18(legal) to start chasing you.

Run run fast. This man is not a good guy. You are a young beautiful woman, you do not need this old dude creeping around you.

Tell him to F off next time you see him that you are not interested in married men. Yes he wants it to be an affair. He wants to have his wife and happy home and you as a playtoy on the side. Please please don't fall for it.

January 8, 2011

Of course, the problem here is that he’s married and has kids.

Tell him to "F" off and go be a husband.. and father to his children. If he touches you ever again file a police report for sexual assault.

It's that easy.

January 8, 2011

Of course, the problem here is that he’s married and has kids.

It's more than just that, of course that's a big reason NOT to get involved with him, but remember you are 19 and he is 34! HE is the adult here, the one with a hell of alot more life experience than you. He's known you since you were in your mid teens, knows your family, your dad etc., seen you grow up and now he's making moves on you, flirting with you? Come on. I do hope you see how this situation is so wrong and the potiental of so many people, you included, being hurt..And let's not forget the drama, the fallout that will happen when you two get caught. And that WILL happen. Eventually.

I completely get that youre not into guys your own age, maybe go for someone in their early 20's, mid 20's, but this guy is 34, married, has kids, and knows your family,,And is a neighbour!! Too close for comfort.

He is a scumbag for doing this. If you have a crush on him, fine, let it stay as that, but to take it to another level IS asking for trouble. I really really REALLY hope you listen to everybody and think this through. The consquences of this are HUGE, are you ready for the fallout, the gossip, reaction from your parents, HIS wife and let alone other neighbours? RUN.

January 8, 2011

RUN.

Not one good thing can come from this. NOT ONE.

He's married. You're 19.

Sure, maybe it'll be a little fun for a bit, but how is it going to end?

I get the whole being attracted to an older guy thing. When I was like 17, 18 I went through that. If I was in your shoes then, I probably would have played along, as you are. But speaking from a "12 years later perspective" I can assure you that the end result will not be pretty. Also, I'm married to an older guy and yea, the whole "older guys are more attractive" thing died out a LONG time ago.

He wants you because he wants to feel like 'da man who hit a 19 year old girl. He needs a self esteem boost. Once he conquests you, he'll feel awesome. And that's what you'll be, a conquest.

He will not leave his wife or children for you. He'll give you nothing. Maybe an STD. But that's about it.

Do not engage him ANY more. If his wife finds out you've been exchanging e-mails....have fun living in your apartment building.

January 8, 2011

It's more than just that, of course that's a big reason NOT to get involved with him, but remember you are 19 and he is 34! HE is the adult here, the one with a hell of alot more life experience than you. He's known you since you were in your mid teens, knows your family, your dad etc., seen you grow up and now he's making moves on you, flirting with you? Come on. I do hope you see how this situation is so wrong and the potiental of so many people, you included, being hurt..And let's not forget the drama, the fallout that will happen when you two get caught. And that WILL happen. Eventually.

I completely get that youre not into guys your own age, maybe go for someone in their early 20's, mid 20's, but this guy is 34, married, has kids, and knows your family,,And is a neighbour!! Too close for comfort.

He is a scumbag for doing this. If you have a crush on him, fine, let it stay as that, but to take it to another level IS asking for trouble. I really really REALLY hope you listen to everybody and think this through. The consquences of this are HUGE, are you ready for the fallout, the gossip, reaction from your parents, HIS wife and let alone other neighbours? RUN.

Thanks for your input. It's funny because, I've never really been attracted to older guys. I've only payed attention to guys my age or close to it in the past...up until now. Like I mentioned in my original post, this is just a weird situation that I've never been in before.

January 8, 2011

You're welcome.

So, what are you going to do? I really hope you don't open that door and find out on your own how painful and messed up this situation will be..

Leave it as a crush and forget him.

January 8, 2011

First of all, I want to say thank you to those of you who have given me your advice and opinion of the situation so far.

I want to mention something though, that I didn't mention in my original post because I felt as if it was too long already.

I've never really been one of those girls who's attracted to older men. All of the guys that I've liked and I've crushed on in the past were the same age as me or maybe a couple of years older at the most. What exactly is attractive about an older, married man with kids? Well...nothing obviously (when you point that out) but, I guess in my case, the reason why I like this guy is because he's attractive, he's "nice" and to be honest, I have been and still am battling self-esteem issues. I don't exactly consider myself attractive and I don't exactly feel good about myself most of the time so...I guess having someone show some kind of interest in me (even if it's the wrong kind of attention) gives me an ego boost and makes me feel good.

I know I shouldn't depend on anyone else but myself for confidence and self-esteem. But... I'm still working on it.

January 8, 2011

You're welcome.

So, what are you going to do? I really hope you don't open that door and find out on your own how painful and messed up this situation will be..

Leave it as a crush and forget him.

I don't plan to do anything. As I stated earlier, I haven't seen him since my break started in mid December and he hasn't emailed me since that last time. I never email him first so, I'm obviously not going to email him. I refuse to pursue him. I don't know what's going to happen when I do see him again but, I guess I'll deal with that when it actually happens.

January 8, 2011

So you are relying on him to make you feel good. Okay, it's nice to be looked at and have compliments, but you're putting alot of how you feel on the shoulders of a married guy who is playing a game with you. If you were to let this go further than it already has, and you fall for him, and his wife finds out or if he just ends it all of sudden and ignores you, your self confidence will be sooooooooooooooooooooo much worse off than it is now. Getting used to this guy making you feel good (putting all your eggs in one basket) isn't healthy..at all.

Rely on your friends and family, rely on yourself to build up your self esteem.

Hope this makes sense to you.

January 8, 2011

So you are relying on him to make you feel good. Okay, it's nice to be looked at and have compliments, but you're putting alot of how you feel on the shoulders of a married guy who is playing a game with you. If you were to let this go further than it already has, and you fall for him, and his wife finds out or if he just ends it all of sudden and ignores you, your self confidence will be sooooooooooooooooooooo much worse off than it is now. Getting used to this guy making you feel good (putting all your eggs in one basket) isn't healthy..at all.

Rely on your friends and family, rely on yourself to build up your self esteem.

Hope this makes sense to you.

Yeah...it does make sense. Trust me, I am not planning to put all my eggs in one basket. I know it's not right. I just can't rely on anything else but myself to build my self-esteem up at this point. Thanks for your advice though.

January 8, 2011

I had the hair on the back of my neck stand on end when I read your opening post. He sounds very calculating and predatory, and I highly suspect this isn't his first conquest. I really encourage you to confide in your father, as awkward as it may sound to do so.

You're not abnormal to feel flattered by the attentions of an older man, but don't let that part get in the way of good, sound judgment. It sounds like your gut has been screaming at you considering your hesitancy and taking the time to post here.

Stay safe! (((hugs)))

January 8, 2011

Here's how it will probably go Goldensilence.

1) He'll tell you you're the cutest most wonderful thing on Earth.

2) Eventually you two will have sex. (The touching has already begun.)

3) Then when he tires of you he will dump you like a hot potato.

4) His wife will eventually find out from you, or another way.

5) Your parents will find out when his wife tells them because she is so mad at him.

6) He will throw you under a bus and say you started it all and seduced him.

7) You will become the outcast in your own building and labeled a slut. Then when sneaking in and out of your own home becomes unbearable you will eventually have to move out.

Doesn't sound like much fun does it?

Face it. He's a married scumball with kids trying to get some "teenage strange." You don't need his validation. So don't be his victim. Ok?

January 8, 2011

Here's how it will probably go Goldensilence.

1) He'll tell you you're the cutest most wonderful thing on Earth.

2) Eventually you two will have sex. (The touching has already begun.)

3) Then when he tires of you he will dump you like a hot potato.

4) His wife will eventually find out from you, or another way.

5) Your parents will find out when his wife tells them because she is so mad at him.

6) He will throw you under a bus and say you started it all and seduced him.

7) You will become the outcast in your own building and labeled a slut. Then when sneaking in and out of your own home becomes unbearable you will eventually have to move out.

Doesn't sound like much fun does it?

Face it. He's a married scumball with kids trying to get some "teenage strange." You don't need his validation. So don't be his victim. Ok?

As I read somewhere else on this board: This. All day.

Let the above bolded words be your mantra. Because if you were to do item 2 (and it doesn't sound like you will, btw), everything else listed will become true. You can count on that.

January 8, 2011

I had the hair on the back of my neck stand on end when I read your opening post. He sounds very calculating and predatory, and I highly suspect this isn't his first conquest. I really encourage you to confide in your father, as awkward as it may sound to do so.

You're not abnormal to feel flattered by the attentions of an older man, but don't let that part get in the way of good, sound judgment. It sounds like your gut has been screaming at you considering your hesitancy and taking the time to post here.

Stay safe! (((hugs)))

You and I suspect the same thing. To be honest with you, I've always gotten the feeling that this isn't the first time he's done something like this. I've always felt like this isn't the first time that he has tried to or actually has cheated on his wife (whether it's with someone his age or not). His actions just seem too smooth. And yes, my gut has been talking to me which is why I've been hesistant about the whole thing and I why I try to be cautious.

January 8, 2011

As I read somewhere else on this board: This. All day.

Let the above bolded words be your mantra. Because if you were to do item 2 (and it doesn't sound like you will, btw), everything else listed will become true. You can count on that.

Thanks for the reminder.

January 9, 2011

This isn't a question directed at anyone in particular but just one that has popped into my head, that I thought I'd put out there for whomever might want to answer it or share their thoughts on it.

So, it's safe to assume that he just wants sex on the side from a younger female, right? Well then, why does he have to go after me? The shy, quiet, college girl, who minds her own business and whose wardrobe consists of nothing but jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers. Why not go after some girl who is more "out there" (if you get what I mean) and who will definitely give him what he wants? Wouldn't that make more sense?

January 9, 2011

Older men going after teenagers generally target those with low self esteem. Please do not take this rudely at all, but do you think your average more "out there" 19 year old girl is going to give some middle aged married guy with kids the time of day? They're too busy beer bonging with the boys from Phi Alpha Ki and hitting the clubs. The married guy is lucky if he gets a "hi" out of them.

Yeah...I guess you're right. You DO have a point there. Thanks for answering my question.

January 9, 2011

This isn't a question directed at anyone in particular but just one that has popped into my head, that I thought I'd put out there for whomever might want to answer it or share their thoughts on it.

So, it's safe to assume that he just wants sex on the side from a younger female, right? Well then, why does he have to go after me? The shy, quiet, college girl, who minds her own business and whose wardrobe consists of nothing but jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers. Why not go after some girl who is more "out there" (if you get what I mean) and who will definitely give him what he wants? Wouldn't that make more sense?

It's called "grooming". You are being led, stroked, charmed, schmoozed and set up. This is the nature of an experienced predator. You asked why not a girl out there...because they are out there...he is trying to turn you out. It's a game of conquest. He should be in jail or the dirt.

January 9, 2011

Golden I am sickened by this man. I agree that is sounds like he is grooming you. I really, really wish you would tell your Dad about his behavior.

January 9, 2011

This isn't a question directed at anyone in particular but just one that has popped into my head, that I thought I'd put out there for whomever might want to answer it or share their thoughts on it.

So, it's safe to assume that he just wants sex on the side from a younger female, right? Well then, why does he have to go after me? The shy, quiet, college girl, who minds her own business and whose wardrobe consists of nothing but jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers. Why not go after some girl who is more "out there" (if you get what I mean) and who will definitely give him what he wants? Wouldn't that make more sense?

Because he knows you "like" him and have abit of a crush on him. His life experience, he can read you like a book, know what you're thinking, read your body language and see in your eyes. He knows what buttons to push to get what he wants from you, says the right thing. It's more fun for HIM to do this to you, than to grab a very willing woman who will allow him to do anything. Men like the chase and thrill as much as the actual 'catch'.

January 9, 2011

You are a gullible little girl. Stop! Ignore the weirdo. Sounds like a damn pervert.

January 9, 2011

Golden...

The one thing I picked up on more than anything, in your original post, is that it doesn't feel like you're a willing participant in this... like he's pulling you along, dragging you in, with your resisting every step of the way. So, why do you keep allowing it? I read your responses about self esteem, but I am sure you get plenty of attention from other men as well.

I suspect, being shy, you have a hard time saying no as well. Plus, this guy is a neighbor, you're on friendly terms, you don't want to appear impolite or rude. That's normal human nature.

But you are smart enough to know this won't go anywhere good. Although I think our society has gone to wrong extremes on age differences in relationships, in this particular case, this guy *is* being very predatory and calculating. He has fantasized about having sex with you for years, now he's working on making it real.

You need to stop this. You know that.

If you need help with your self esteem, talk to a counselor at school, see a shrink, or find a nice, single, man, to fall in love with - one who will love you, cherish you, see you for the awesome woman you are...

January 9, 2011

To continue with what the poster above me said--

Telling this guy to take a hike would be the kind of action that could bring your self-esteem up several notches.

I dealt with getting hit on by married men when I was your age, OP--responding by smiling sweetly, and asking, "how are the wife and kids?" was always effective in shutting down their advances..........It let them know that I wasn't about to ignore reality, even if they were....

Read some of the stories here, and ask yourself, if you really want to set yourself up for that kind of pain......

January 9, 2011

Because he knows you "like" him and have abit of a crush on him. His life experience, he can read you like a book, know what you're thinking, read your body language and see in your eyes. He knows what buttons to push to get what he wants from you, says the right thing. It's more fun for HIM to do this to you, than to grab a very willing woman who will allow him to do anything. Men like the chase and thrill as much as the actual 'catch'.

That makes sense. Once again, you have a point. You're a wise one whichwayisup.

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