Need some perspective on what was going on with my ex girlfriend...

January 8, 2011

I've been NC for a little over a month now. I've been feeling a lot better than I have over the past few months. Since she left me in August, I've moved back to where I use to live, lost over 25 pounds, got a new job at a local TV station, and am finally starting to get myself back out there socially. I'm feeling good.

My original post is here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t257035/

Recently, I've started to remember some things that happened and things that she said. So I'm going to sum up what happened between February and August as best as I can. This is so I can get some perspective on what exactly was going on with my ex. I never got any answers from her, and I probably won't ever get answers.

About a week after Valentine's Day, I told her I needed time to myself because I felt like she wasn't putting in as much effort as I was. We stayed in contact and on March 12th (our 2 year anniversary) she called me wanting to hang out. We went to dinner and a movie. We talked about our relationship and at the end of the night, I told her I still cared for her; even tried to kiss her good night. She said she didn't want to get back together, but instead wanted to remain friends. Why hang out on our ani then, right? After fighting with her for a week about what direction we were headed in, I sent her a long email telling her that I thought she was selfish for giving up so easily. I went NC from March 20th to April 20th.

During that month of NC, she was emailing my grandmother talking about how she wanted things to work out between us and that she hoped things would get better some day. She even asked my grandmother to not tell me about their emails... and my grandmother didn't, until recently. During the month of NC, I was seeing a girl from school, though it wasn't anything serious. Just a "fling" if you must. Also, on March 23rd (my birthday), I received a text from her at 12:01am saying Happy Birthday.

After dating this new girl, I realized how much I loved my ex and how much I wanted it to work, so I got back in contact with her. She was happy to talk to me, though, as soon as I mentioned something about getting back together, she stopped responding, citing her reasons as "why would I want to be with someone who thinks I'm selfish?"

April 25th, she sent a message stating that she wanted to meet up to talk. We had a long talk at her house. I told her about the girl I had dated for a few weeks and she told me that there was a guy in her life as well, but that she told him she wasn't ready to date. She told me she cared for me and that this break would be good for both of us; even kissed me on the cheek when I left.

My college graduation was on May 8th. Between April 25th and May 8th, there was LC between the two of us. A few short texts. Nothing about the relationship, just some texts about things that were going on in our lives. The morning of graduation, I was already at my school when I got a phone call from her saying that she was at my house. Apparently, she was wanting to drive with me to my graduation and she got the start time wrong. I never even invited her. She drove herself to my graduation and sat by herself. She said she was happy that she was crying, so proud of me. After, I invited her to come to lunch with me and my family, and she came. We took pictures together and held hands. She got me a gift as well.

Unknowing to her, I had made a decision to move from Birmingham, AL to Atlanta, GA with my mom and brother because I didn't have a job lined up yet and I figured it was the best thing for me to do. Because she was still emailing back and forth with my grandmother, she found out about it. During the month of May, we started to hang out a lot more. We ended up getting back together because we were hanging out so much and it seemed like the thing to do. Still, she didn't seem 100% "there". She did talk with my family and friends about how much she loved me, how she didn't want me to leave her and move.

June is when things really went sour. We were hanging out at my house one night and I started to notice that she was acting strange... distant. She talked about how she wanted to explore new things in life, like drugs, alcohol, new friends, new experiences... it was strange behavior for her. She is a pretty religous person. All of a sudden, she cut off contact with me. She stopped responding to my messages. I didn't understand what was going on, so I told her I was coming to see her. She said she wasn't home and that she didn't want to see me anymore. I drove to her house anyway and she had moved her car about 3-4 apartment buildings away from her apartment, to make it seem like she wasn't home. I got her to come outside and it turned into a big fight. She said she had logged into my FB while she was at my house and found some messages about my "fling" while we were broken up. She told me she had just recently talked with her father about us getting married soon. She was really hurt by this... she was crying hysterically and pretty much making a scene outside. She took my car keys and wouldn't let me leave till I gave her an explanation of why I did things with another girl. It was really desperate and crazy. She even hit me. I threatened to call the Police if she didn't give me my keys back. I finally got out of there... but later that night... I felt bad about my lack of emotion toward her and sent her an apology. We met up later that night and she said she still wanted it to work and that God would take care of things for both of us. However, she stopped replying to my messages for the next week.

I finally called her and told her that I was moving on July 1st, and that before I left, I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. She basically said no, so I told her I was done with her. That I didn't want to hear from her anymore because she sent off too many mixed signals and kept hurting me. I hung up... and within 10 minutes she was at my front door crying. She talked about how she didn't understand what was going on with her, how she cared for me, but didn't know what she wanted, how she needed time to figure things out. I told her no and that it was either we're going to make this work or I'm 100% gone... she can't have it both ways. With me moving in a few weeks and that ultimatum, we stayed together.

July 1st, I moved to Atlanta, GA. I came back to see her on July 4th and we spent the weekend together. Things were fine throughout the month of July. It was almost perfect. There was talk of our future together, marriage, kids... all that stuff. She was sad that I was about 4 hours away though.

We spent the weekend of July 29th together at my grandmother's house. There was some small fighting that weekend because she stayed downstairs the entire weekend. She didn't socialize with anyone except my grandmother. My mom and her have kind of always had issues.

When I got back to Atlanta on August 1st... my mom had a chat with me about how she thought my girlfriend was using me, how she wasn't the right one for me, how she didn't treat me good, how she didn't talk with anyone during the family trip that weekend. I spoke to my girlfriend about this on the 4th and it turned into a huge fight. On the 11th, I was suppose to drive back to see her, but I couldn't because I had a job interview. This really upset her and that ended up turning into a fight as well. I gave her a week to herself. On the 18th, we talked via webcam and she talked about how things weren't right between us. She seemed distant. Talked of how things haven't been good for a long time. I ignored this and gave her a few days to think it over. Then the 24th... BAM. She breaks up with me. Here are some things she said to me. "I don't want a LDR" "I wish you the best and maybe it could work in the future" "Let's be friends" "I wish you understood what I was going through" "I don't know what's happening with me."

As some of you may know, I was unemployed, pennyless, and living with my mom. I didn't have a social life. I went psycho from August to November. She stopped responding to me on September 19th. I called her 100's of times, showed up at her house 3 times, got into her email account by guessing the security question, and showed up at her work. She eventually changed her cell number in November and found out that I had got into her email. The issue was that I read a lot of those How to get your ex back articles, so I really thought I could get her back by going NC for 3-4 weeks and then getting back into contact. It kinda worked before, right?

Anyway, in her email, I found out that 3 weeks after she broke up with me she was already serious enough with someone to be taking kissing pictures together. She had told me, even on the 19th of September, that there wasn't anyone else in her life. Turns out he wasn't new at all, this was the same guy she was "seeing" when we were broken up from February to April. She talked about how much her life has changed and how happy she is with this new guy in an email she sent a friend. I also found out that during the month of July and August, she had been going out clubbing with her girlfriends about 2 times a week. There was also several drafts that she wrote to me, yet never sent. The drafts talked about how she is sad about the way things ended... how she always knew I wouldn't be a part of her life someday... and a good 75% of the drafts blamed me for the failure. She didn't take any responsibility.

All of this behavior from her never made sense. It wasn't like her at all. It was like she pulled a complete 180 on me. I don't understand it. Any input?

Edited January 8, 2011 by mmiller5373

January 8, 2011

Too long I suppose?

January 8, 2011

I'll respond when I finish reading.. should be around tomorrow afternoon

January 8, 2011

Honestly... ruminating about all that stuff.. isn't it tiring?

Not saying that to be mean at all. It's just to offer you that perspective of being tired of thinking of your ex. Aren't you? Because I am. I'm tired of thinking of my ex. For all of my desires for a second chance, he's still a quitter who didn't want to put in the work and left. And your girlfriend, for some reason, decided that she was going to be distant in spite of expressing that she wants you back.

Isn't it tiring? You mentioned that your post might have been too long and honestly, when I read it, I sympathized with your broken heart.

We're all tired. Let's just let them walk away. They don't want to be around us anymore and we only have control over ourselves. They know how to find us, but it doesn't mean we'll welcome them back with open arms - even if we say we now that we still want them back.

January 8, 2011

Honestly... ruminating about all that stuff.. isn't it tiring?

Not saying that to be mean at all. It's just to offer you that perspective of being tired of thinking of your ex. Aren't you? Because I am. I'm tired of thinking of my ex. For all of my desires for a second chance, he's still a quitter who didn't want to put in the work and left. And your girlfriend, for some reason, decided that she was going to be distant in spite of expressing that she wants you back.

Isn't it tiring? You mentioned that your post might have been too long and honestly, when I read it, I sympathized with your broken heart.

We're all tired. Let's just let them walk away. They don't want to be around us anymore and we only have control over ourselves. They know how to find us, but it doesn't mean we'll welcome them back with open arms - even if we say we now that we still want them back.

Yes, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of thinking, and rethinking of every little detail. Guess that's why my post is long lol.

January 8, 2011

I'm really sorry to hear about your pain and heartbreak.

Well, I'm going through my first break up right now so I don't speak with much experience, but I understand how you've been suffering, trying to figure out what is going through someone's head during a breakup.

My ex did a complete 180 degrees turn on me as well. She went from being extremely, extremely loving and caring one day, then cold, cruel and hateful the next. She emailed me a list of reasons why she dumped me, mostly having to do with 2 jokes I made during a webcam chat, and none of these reasons really add up -- at least, nothing to validate ending a 5 year relationship. At least from my point of view, and in the eyes of everyone I've talked to about it.

I've spent countless hours over these last 3 weeks trying to figure out what I had done and why she flipped the way she did. I've discussed it with friends and family, and have heard all kinds of theories, from her meeting another man, to her coming under the influence of her religious parents, and every possibility imaginable.

The truth is, I'm realizing more and more that I will never understand. I just have to trust that I did my best for her and that I always had good intentions. Any mistakes I made to make her fall out of love with me so dramatically were made innocently. And I just need to move on.

So, what I'm saying is that I doubt you will ever understand the reasons behind your ex's actions. It sounds to me like she is a very unstable person, and your relationship with her was, not surprisingly... unstable. It's over now, so you need to put her behind you and move on. It sounds like you've gotten your life together pretty nicely, you have a new job, you've gotten in shape. Don't dwell on the reasons behind her actions, because nobody knows but her, and maybe even she's doesn't know herself.

Well, I know this is all easier said than done. Even though I'm writing all this, I know that when I go to bed tonight I will probably be thinking about my ex and wondering the same things as you. So, at least, know that there's someone out there who shares your pain.

January 9, 2011

My ex did a complete 180 degrees turn on me as well. She went from being extremely, extremely loving and caring one day, then cold, cruel and hateful the next. She emailed me a list of reasons why she dumped me, mostly having to do with 2 jokes I made during a webcam chat, and none of these reasons really add up -- at least, nothing to validate ending a 5 year relationship. At least from my point of view, and in the eyes of everyone I've talked to about it.

Yeah... mine went from being really nice and caring to the most hateful/hurtful human being I've ever met. She blamed me for everything. My friends (including mutual) say the same thing as yours... that none of it makes sense and that I shouldn't feel too bad about my actions or blame myself.

I've spent countless hours over these last 3 weeks trying to figure out what I had done and why she flipped the way she did. I've discussed it with friends and family, and have heard all kinds of theories, from her meeting another man, to her coming under the influence of her religious parents, and every possibility imaginable.

Try going over it in your mind for 4 months. I did just that. If I had just gone NC from the beginning, I probably would have moved on by now.

So, what I'm saying is that I doubt you will ever understand the reasons behind your ex's actions. It sounds to me like she is a very unstable person, and your relationship with her was, not surprisingly... unstable. It's over now, so you need to put her behind you and move on. It sounds like you've gotten your life together pretty nicely, you have a new job, you've gotten in shape. Don't dwell on the reasons behind her actions, because nobody knows but her, and maybe even she's doesn't know herself.

During the weeks after the breakup, she kept telling me that she couldn't explain what happened to her. She couldn't explain why the spark went out suddenly. It's like she didn't know. Obviously, this guy got to her. But the thing is... the pictures were taken in mid-September. She sent emails to her girlfriends where she talked about him and how happy she was at the end of September... talked about how her life had changed so much in November. But... she hasn't even told her family about this guy yet... they know nothing about him... and she lives with her mom, bother, sister, and brother in law. I don't get it... and never will.

Anybody else read through my novel and have any ideas about what happened with her?

January 9, 2011

There is nothing to think about anymore man.

She's with someone else, and further more it sounds like she really brought out the worst in you.

The harassing of calls, the anger, the hacking her email, all that stuff really brought your dignity down A LOT (sorry but it's true). If things were ever to go back to the way they were, trust me they would be factors she would use against you.

Bottom line is, would you want to be with someone that was so up and down? Would you want to be with a liar? Would you want to be with someone that just sat in the basement while you two were with your family? Would you want to be with someone that left you hanging at a state when you were unemployed and at a personal low?

She sounds a lot like my ex....I know you may feel like you want her. That's your heart talking, and trust me mine does the same with my ex...

But logically, start letting your brain take precedence. What you two maybe have had at one point - tho was special - is in the past. Dont' grasp anymore. Move on and get your life in order. It sounds like with the job and the recent physical change you're doing better...continue to move forward and let her just be a memory.

Hang in there.

January 9, 2011

The harassing of calls, the anger, the hacking her email, all that stuff really brought your dignity down A LOT (sorry but it's true). If things were ever to go back to the way they were, trust me they would be factors she would use against you.

At the time, I didn't think it was harassing. I guess when you're in a bad state already and a breakup occurs, the desperation really takes over. I couldn't think straight. She did bring out the worst in me in an already trying time for myself. Looking back, I see how bad it must have looked to her friends and family. Stalker-ish behavior.

Bottom line is, would you want to be with someone that was so up and down? Would you want to be with a liar? Would you want to be with someone that just sat in the basement while you two were with your family? Would you want to be with someone that left you hanging at a state when you were unemployed and at a personal low?

Because things were so good at one point. I guess you can never get that back.

January 9, 2011

At the time, I didn't think it was harassing. I guess when you're in a bad state already and a breakup occurs, the desperation really takes over. I couldn't think straight. She did bring out the worst in me in an already trying time for myself. Looking back, I see how bad it must have looked to her friends and family. Stalker-ish behavior.

Because things were so good at one point. I guess you can never get that back.

Oh dude, I understand completely.

I wasn't knocking you man, we've all been there and acted out on it.

Trust me, you'll read about desperation all the time on these forums. Breakups really do put you in a bad state. I was in a similar state as you. I was between jobs, with a month off to do nothing but drown in my sadness. Even if I kept myself busy, I still found myself not focused on whatever it was I was doing, and just having her plague my mind.

It's even harder when you constantly play out all the great moments in your head. Your mind wants to reject what's actually happening, and goes back to the lovey-dubey moments with hopes that they'll come back. I remember just constantly reliving these moments in my head...it was horrible.

Anyways man, be strong. This really does sound like a relationship that will be just a memory. From the sounds of it you have progressed forward and have done the RIGHT things. The best medicine is focusing on you and bettering yourself, which it seems like you have. Hats off to you dude.

January 9, 2011

You gave a description of your ex's behavior, your behavior, and the overall relationship dynamic, so I have to take a hard line on this and say that at some point, the two of you really knew you were going in different directions, and were in denial that the r/l needed to end.

In your entire description you did not say one, not even ONE nice thing about her. You did not say why you miss her. You do not mention even ONE admirable, sweet, caring, kind or loving quality.

You do not ever state why you missed her, if you did. You do not say why you should stay together other than out of habit.

It was insecurity that kept you together, and insecurity that kept the two of you apart. Insecure that the relationship was right, and insecure about ending it.

All she did was find one excuse after another as to who, what, when, where, how -- everything was wrong, picking fights, crying. Cheesh, I'm worn out reading about it, let alone living it.

You know-there comes a time when all the thinking, analysis, doubts, second guessing, blaming, and all that interior jousting has to finally be put to rest.

IT DOESN'T WORK. The relationship doesn't work. Why should you want to stay in it? The relationship sucks and you should not want to be in it anymore. That part is on you. You are not married, you have no children together, no financial entanglement, and you are a new college graduate. So why would you want to deal with this any longer?

Who wants to spend every last precious day of their lives in a disharmonious, frustrating, dreary, repetitive struggle? Enough, already.

Have I made myself clear?

She's immature, indecisive, very selfish, uncaring, not supportive, not fun, not interesting, impulsive, insensitive, and a bit of a whack job. Where did she go when you needed her? Where did she go when the going got tough? She wasn't too good at that part, was she?

There's no telling about the "chicken - egg" thing. If you were both more calm, sensitive people before you met, and the relationship and the two of you together were just like a time bomb waiting to detonate. It just looks like you were not compatible. So why fight it or analyze it further? Done and done.

She is not your forever person. You are not her forever person. She served a purpose in your life, it was good for a while. Next time things go south with someone, if you have to struggle like this to make it work, have you learned something so you will know what to do? Like end it?? You're better off without her. Look at all you've accomplished.

... my mom had a chat with me about how she thought my girlfriend was using me, how she wasn't the right one for me, how she didn't treat me good, how she didn't talk with anyone during the family trip that weekend. I spoke to my girlfriend about this on the 4th and it turned into a huge fight.

and above all, your MOTHER told you she wasn't right for you. so save yourself a lot of trouble next time, and if your mother gives you her advice, TAKE IT.

Edited January 9, 2011 by Graceful

January 9, 2011

You gave a description of your ex's behavior, your behavior, and the overall relationship dynamic, so I have to take a hard line on this and say that at some point, the two of you really knew you were going in different directions, and were in denial that the r/l needed to end.

This makes sense. I do agree that the both of us were headed in different directions and even though we cared for each other, we selfishly held on to something to was probably doomed.

In your entire description you did not say one, not even ONE nice thing about her. You did not say why you miss her. You do not mention even ONE admirable, sweet, caring, kind or loving quality.

You do not ever state why you missed her, if you did. You do not say why you should stay together other than out of habit.

I didn't say anything about her because I assumed it was a given that there were some goods things about her. Why else would I stay with her? Our first year and a half was good. She's sweet, innocent, and very different from other girls I've dated. We had an instant connection. She's very attractive as well. And she's a virgin waiting for marriage. We waited.

It was insecurity that kept you together, and insecurity that kept the two of you apart. Insecure that the relationship was right, and insecure about ending it.

I think the longer we stayed together, the more insecure each of us got. In the end, she was stronger than me to end it. Although, I wasn't in the best place at the time anyway though.

All she did was find one excuse after another as to who, what, when, where, how -- everything was wrong, picking fights, crying. Cheesh, I'm worn out reading about it, let alone living it.

With all the breaking up and getting back together, I think that killed my self esteem. It really made me question myself as a person.

January 9, 2011

What I wanted to do in my response was to get you to open your eyes not only what your r/l looks like from someone reading your description, and from an objective standpoint, but to also see that all the goodness had drained out of it a long time ago.

You subsisted on fumes, you got used to it, and it became your "norm" -- you were chasing after a long lost relationship, one that had died.

It still tells me something when someone says nothing, not one word, about "she was so sweet, she was so much fun, she had a dark sense of humor just like I do, we used to laugh at all the same things, I miss that" ... etc. It tells me that you don't miss the person anymore, you're just obsessing b/c someone hurt you and someone took you to a very dark place, the experience lowered your self-esteem, and it turned you into a bit of a whack job yourself, which you resent and are not proud of.

So you try to figure out why the other person did "all that" -- not the point anymore. The more you distance yourself from her, the better off you are, and you have proven that to yourself.

You have dated other girls, but this was your first serious GF, so it all makes sense. But when someone says come here, go away, no come back, leave me alone, now I'm crying, now I want you, why didn't you call, why don't you stop calling, blah blah blah ... all I can say is if that happens to you again, that's just not the right person for you. Nothing to explore or ask. Just not right.

I think the longer we stayed together, the more insecure each of us got. In the end, she was stronger than me to end it. Although, I wasn't in the best place at the time anyway though.

Glad to hear you say this. It was your hurt feelings, bruised ego and a sense of loss that propelled you, not really feelings of love or that the relationship was meant to last into the future.

You had just graduated college, were saying good bye to your college life, had no job, had to move home -- that is a HUGE transition for anyone.

The r/l did kill your self-esteem, for a while. And now it's coming back. Don't let this experience jade you or make you feel inadequate in any way. She was your transition GF, the one that you had in college. It's still raw, I understand that, and there's nothing wrong with the fact you're still getting over all that happened, but please try to stop making sense of HER. She's not your problem.

Figure out what kind of person is a good match for you. When ready, go out and find her. And congrats in your new job. Keep going forward.

January 9, 2011

Wow, Graceful, you really hit the nail on the head of what the relationship was, why it was, why it died, and what I'm going through right now emotionally. You're right... I do miss some things about her... but that doesn't mean I miss her. I think I miss the relationship more than anything else. Having that one person to go to with anything, having one person to share moments with, having that one person to have something in common with with. The relationship died a very long time ago and we both selfishly held onto it. I think she selfishly held onto it more than I did. I was going through a HUGE transitional period and my focus was on that, not so much her or the relationship. My brain couldn't compute all of that at the time. She held on because she was afraid to be alone and when someone else came into her life, she let me go.

And yes, because of my actions and the dark places that I went, my ego and self esteem is bruised. I feel so badly about it. Embarrassed actually. In time, I know I will get over that and figure out that she just wasn't right for me. I'm getting stronger every day.

Overall, your two posts are great responses and honestly, two of the best replies I've ever received since I started posting on LS back in November. Kudos.

January 9, 2011

I think a large part of me feels so bad about the calling, the texting, the harrassing, the searching, the hacking, the stalking. It's almost like it wasn't me and I look back at think, WTF? I know none of it matters anymore, but I do wonder if in time she will forgive me for my actions.

It was your hurt feelings, bruised ego and a sense of loss that propelled you, not really feelings of love or that the relationship was meant to last into the future.

You had just graduated college, were saying good bye to your college life, had no job, had to move home -- that is a HUGE transition for anyone.

The r/l did kill your self-esteem, for a while. And now it's coming back. Don't let this experience jade you or make you feel inadequate in any way. She was your transition GF, the one that you had in college. It's still raw, I understand that, and there's nothing wrong with the fact you're still getting over all that happened, but please try to stop making sense of HER. She's not your problem.

Figure out what kind of person is a good match for you. When ready, go out and find her. And congrats in your new job. Keep going forward.

This part of the post really stands out. Makes me feel a lot better, Graceful. Again thanks.

January 10, 2011

MM,

You really put a smile on my face (and I have nice teeth and like to smile!), and it makes me very happy to know that we had this conversation today and that it began to help you put some of the pieces together. Once you can put your emotions into a context, you begin to understand your behavior (most important) and your ex (not as important, but a bonus )

I think a large part of me feels so bad about the calling, the texting, the harrassing, the searching, the hacking, the stalking. It's almost like it wasn't me and I look back at think, WTF? I know none of it matters anymore, but I do wonder if in time she will forgive me for my actions.

I'm proud of you for saying this. You know now that you sacrificed your pride and dignity at a time when you were very lost and out of control. It happens. You did not commit a crime. You didn't really hurt anyone but yourself. You can heal. You have remorse for the way you acted. Let me tell you, that is exactly what you need to feel to forgive yourself.

Makes me feel a lot better, Graceful. Again thanks.

It was great talking to you today here. You sound so much better, too. You're still going to have up days and down days, but now that you have a better context for your behavior, you're going to be able to let go and be much happier.

Also, what I used to do during my breakup when I found posts or anything online that helped me, I copied and pasted them into a Word document, and /or printed the page on the spot. Otherwise, I'd print the Word doc, and then I'd have some of the text that was really encouraging right there when I needed it. Just a suggestion.

Hope to see you around LS, as I will be here. I mean every word I say in my posts. And I mean it when I say I have faith in you, and that you're going to be ok. Hope the job is helping you feel better, too, sounds great. Take care.

January 10, 2011

MM,
You really put a smile on my face (and I have nice teeth and like to smile!), and it makes me very happy to know that we had this conversation today and that it began to help you put some of the pieces together. Once you can put your emotions into a context, you begin to understand your behavior (most important) and your ex (not as important, but a bonus )

Glad I could make you smile, especially on a board where most of us are going through hurt and heartache.

I'm proud of you for saying this. You know now that you sacrificed your pride and dignity at a time when you were very lost and out of control. It happens. You did not commit a crime. You didn't really hurt anyone but yourself. You can heal. You have remorse for the way you acted. Let me tell you, that is exactly what you need to feel to forgive yourself.

I do see what you're saying. I'm hoping that my ex and her family understand that I was already going through something, and that affected my behavior. I am getting better though.

It was great talking to you today here. You sound so much better, too. You're still going to have up days and down days, but now that you have a better context for your behavior, you're going to be able to let go and be much happier.

Hope to see you around LS, as I will be here. I mean every word I say in my posts. And I mean it when I say I have faith in you, and that you're going to be ok. Hope the job is helping you feel better, too, sounds great. Take care.

I do have a question though. We know that my ex lied to me about her reasons for breaking up. It is obvious that she fell for this other guy and that's why she left me... and like I said, she continued to lie to me, even 3 weeks later. Part of me knew that she was hiding something and that's why I started searching for information. She stopped responding to me in the middle of September and changed her number at the end of November. On December 3rd, I showed up at her work to tell her some things and that I wanted an opportunity to talk with her. She said no and told me to leave. She said she doesn't hate me, but that too much has happened and she wants nothing to do with me. That's the last she's heard from me. I've been talking with her brother-in-law (who lives with her, her sister, her brother, and her mom) a bit since then. He told me that he hasn't told her anything we've talked about. What he has told me is that her and her mother were freaked out by my behavior, that they knew it was me who got into her email, and that she was considering moving back home to Mexico because of it all. He said he was more concerned about me though, because he thought I was obsessing over something that didn't matter. It was all unhealthy for me and he wanted to help me move on. He doesn't even like my ex, his sister-in-law.

How do I proceed from here? Do I just disappear? Let things be? Should I send an apology letter for my behavior? I've been NC for over a month now, though I have apologized to her brother-in-law for my behavior. Or do you think an apology to her would have to be something to happen much later down the road... months or years from now?

Edited January 10, 2011 by mmiller5373

January 10, 2011

Part of me wants to write her a letter, calling her out on her BS and lies, and to apologize for my behavior.

January 11, 2011

She said no and told me to leave. She said she doesn't hate me, but that too much has happened and she wants nothing to do with me. That's the last she's heard from me.

I've been talking with her brother-in-law (who lives with her, her sister, her brother, and her mom) a bit since then. He told me that he hasn't told her anything we've talked about. What he has told me is that her and her mother were freaked out by my behavior, that they knew it was me who got into her email, and that she was considering moving back home to Mexico because of it all.

He said he was more concerned about me though, because he thought I was obsessing over something that didn't matter. It was all unhealthy for me and he wanted to help me move on.

How do I proceed from here? Do I just disappear? Let things be? Should I send an apology letter for my behavior? I've been NC for over a month now,

I just came on the board and saw you have created a post about this. Why are you going backwards today?

Keep to NC and that is all there is to it. Your ex freaked out over your behavior as you know, you are trying to get over the entire experience, and the last thing on your mind should be to send her a letter.

You are obsessing all over again. It doesn't matter anymore. Done and done. Whatever you do, do NOT send her any communication what so ever, the damage is done, you (and your ex) both have a lot of healing to do, and that is to be done separately.

Really? I don't get this at all. This is clearly a sign that you want to create a problem where there is none. Stay NC.

January 11, 2011

I just came on the board and saw you have created a post about this. Why are you going backwards today?

Keep to NC and that is all there is to it. Your ex freaked out over your behavior as you know, you are trying to get over the entire experience, and the last thing on your mind should be to send her a letter.

You are obsessing all over again. It doesn't matter anymore. Done and done. Whatever you do, do NOT send her any communication what so ever, the damage is done, you (and your ex) both have a lot of healing to do, and that is to be done separately.

Really? I don't get this at all. This is clearly a sign that you want to create a problem where there is none. Stay NC.

I don't know. I guess part of me feels like she's getting away with cheating on me, whether it was physical or emotional. I kind of wanted to call her out on it, basically saying that I know the kind of person you truly are and that I'm glad I did what I did. Seriously though, I think you are right... It doesn't matter. I will stay NC and if there is to ever be a conversation between us when we've both moved on entirely, that's when an apology can come from me, if I even feel like giving her one at that point in time.

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Need some perspective on what was going on with my ex girlfriend...

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