Showing Vulnerability a Good Thing or a Turn Off?

[Taramere]

I've been to job interviews over the years and been told I was over-qualified and the employer is afraid that the work won't be challenging enough. I always disagree. They are always right, I do get bored it is not challenging enough.

 

I've had the same thing. Recently I went for a job that, again, I was overqualified for...but that was in an area I believe in strongly, and was keen to work in. I really warmed to the people who interviewed me, and let them know that - and I think that's partly why the overqualified bit wasn't an issue for them. They raised it, but only to say they were confident that the job would evolve in a way that made good use of my previous experience. I think they liked me primarily because I liked them....and because at this point, liking the people I'm working with and believing in the goals they're working towards is far more important to me than the actual job being a high status one.

 

Comparing that situation with the man situation...I don't think professional qualifications, competence and sharp wit etc in a woman will necessarily be offputting to a guy. Nor do I think you have to put all your vulnerabilities on the table straight away to be attractive. It might be that all you achieve is to support some stereotype of the apparently smart, independent single woman who's an emotional wreck underneath it all. Exposing the more vulnerable elements is something you do in time, with people you trust. In the initial stages of getting to know somebody it's more about having fun.

 

I remember seeing a clip of Chris Rock on that model's talk show (Tyra Banks?). She was asking him what kind of hair he likes women to have. Natural, chemically treated etc etc. It was typical narcissistic model stuff "what do you like about meeeee? Do you like my hair like this? Do you prefer it like that?". His answer was blunt, honest and funny as always in the delivery....along the lines of "I don't really care, I just like women who like me."

 

I think you should show your qualities from the outset. Be your funny, independent self...but if you like a guy, let him know very early on by responding appreciatively to his qualities. If he's perceived you as an independent sort of person with a mind of her own will probably make that appreciation more of a compliment.

 

I suppose, one has to find a man who is equal or above you in terms of confidence, status, intelligence etc. Or at least believes he is.

 

I don't know. I think if you were with a guy who firmly believed he was smarter than you - even though his opinion wasn't backed up with much in the way of facts - it might be hard for you to respect him. I think respect comes from perceiving people as being in touch with reality. Honest with themselves and with you.

 

Academically a man might do less well than you, and he might be shy in social situations.. but you could go (for example) mountaineering with him and discover that in a risky situation he has instincts and an ability to handle the danger calmly in a way you just couldn't. Some people have strengths and qualities that are immediately apparent. With others, it comes out over time. You get a series of little revelations about what a cool person they really are....and it's often better that way, I think.

Edited January 8, 2011 by Taramere

[paddington bear]

 

What could this look like?

-Not projecting you can do everything yourself all the time

-Asking for help with a task, if you want, or accepting help if offered

-Letting someone into a conversation where their opinion could be useful

-Asking someone their opinion about something

 

Just try letting men in a little more, and opening up in conversations where their thoughts or feedback could help. IF you dont want to go there, let them change a lightbulb, help move a dresser, etc etc, anything to bring them in a little more and feel like they are contributing in some way. Men need to feel needed, it's a basic need, just as we do. Hugs and happy weekend

 

Thanks Cat, I think I do the three last points, but perhaps they are negated by me projecting that actually I can do everything myself. It's funny. I had a MAJOR crush on this guy and there was another guy, who I did not have a crush on. I mentioned that I needed the electrical fittings put on, so I could have light. Of course, the one I had the crush on (despite being in the building trade) totally ignored my very broad hint, and the guy that I didn't have a crush on was bending over backwards to help me out.

 

Thanks for the hugs and happy weekend, that was sweet

 

 

OP, you're in Europe, right? When I've been in Europe, I walk a lot. If you're walking with a guy you like put your arm in his arm. Let him 'lead' you. This and concurrent eye contact are a great way to show vulnerability without saying or doing anything substantial. This is one reason I enjoy European women. They know how to mix strength and vulnerability in a way I rarely see here in Cali or the states. Very attractive.

 

Yep, in Europe and I walk a lot (on my own!). However, that is a very good tip. Actions speak louder than words. Will do this for sure.

 

It might be that all you achieve is to support some stereotype of the apparently smart, independent single woman who's an emotional wreck underneath it all. Exposing the more vulnerable elements is something you do in time, with people you trust. In the initial stages of getting to know somebody it's more about having fun.

 

Agreed, and actually I don't want to support that stereotype...despite actually being that stereotype in many ways. The thing is, I do have fun when I first meet guys, for some reason it is not translated into attraction on their side. A friend of mine said "you are picking the wrong guys". And perhaps that all it is. I behave as one should in the initial stages, but it doesn't work, but perhaps it doesn't work because they are the wrong guys, commitment-phobic, confused, whatever. Thing is all these issues they have only come up later. I never seem to get the red flags and they have seemed like different types of men.

 

I think you should show your qualities from the outset. Be your funny, independent self...but if you like a guy, let him know very early on by responding appreciatively to his qualities. If he's perceived you as an independent sort of person with a mind of her own will probably make that appreciation more of a compliment.

 

I do this, but again, think due to the personalities of these men, it bolsters up their confidence, but then instead of that making them feel secure "she likes me, phew" I get taken for granted, they get an ego boost, but this never translates into them wanting me back in the same way.

 

people have strengths and qualities that are immediately apparent. With others, it comes out over time. You get a series of little revelations about what a cool person they really are....and it's often better that way, I think.

 

I agree with this totally, which I guess is why I don't want to scare off the series of little revalations guy.

 

** as an aside, date one was bizarre, he's only in town for a while anyway, so we both agreed it was just a 'meet someone new and have a chat' meeting. Very eccentric guy, too bizarre for me. However, he tried to kiss me on the lips as I left, (he got the cheek), which I suppose is progress.

 

Date number two in an hour or so with someone younger than me and who may or may not stay in town, but we have the same sense of humour, so hopefully it will be at least be fun.

 

Thanks again for all the advice. Will put it into practice and perhaps meantime try and think back on all the similar 'emotional' guys and see if there were similar warning bells with all of them that I ignored, so that next time I just won't go there.

[paddington bear]

sorry, double posted somehow!

Edited January 8, 2011 by paddington bear

[MarlyStar]

If you're walking with a guy you like put your arm in his arm. Let him 'lead' you.

 

I do this. I haven't done it since my divorce 3 years ago. I thought maybe it was presumptious and maybe too possessive.

 

Men like it? I know my ex did. The first time I did it, he straightened up and covered my hand with his other one briefly.

 

I've had to stop myself from doing it. Maybe I shouldnt?

[musemaj11]

I remember seeing a clip of Chris Rock on that model's talk show (Tyra Banks?). She was asking him what kind of hair he likes women to have. Natural, chemically treated etc etc. It was typical narcissistic model stuff "what do you like about meeeee? Do you like my hair like this? Do you prefer it like that?". His answer was blunt, honest and funny as always in the delivery....along the lines of "I don't really care, I just like women who like me."

 

I think you should show your qualities from the outset. Be your funny, independent self...but if you like a guy, let him know very early on by responding appreciatively to his qualities. If he's perceived you as an independent sort of person with a mind of her own will probably make that appreciation more of a compliment.

This is a great advice.

 

As said before, men are very self-conscious of their overall self-worth. One of the effective ways to let a man know that he is good enough for you is indeed by letting him know the qualities he has that you find attractive.

[carhill]

Quote:

Originally Posted by carhill

If you're walking with a guy you like put your arm in his arm. Let him 'lead' you.

 

I do this. I haven't done it since my divorce 3 years ago. I thought maybe it was presumptious and maybe too possessive.

 

Men like it? I know my ex did. The first time I did it, he straightened up and covered my hand with his other one briefly.

 

I've had to stop myself from doing it. Maybe I shouldnt?

Here's a real life example:

My exW had a real 'bad' habit of running off or walking separately. When we'd get out of the car, she wouldn't wait for me (I usually drove so had 'stuff' to deal with); she'd just head off to the store or whatever.

Conversely, even without any 'relationship', when I was visiting RP recently, she would get out and walk around to my side of the car and then walk with me. She's European. Such actions, within a relationship, would enhance my 'connection' to the lady.

 

In another example, I recall one of the ladies from my journal having the habit of taking my arm when we would be out together, as an example when I was the token male amongst a group of ladies. Again, she was married, but that was her 'style'. My exW would be off walking and talking with the other ladies. This 'style' caused me to opine in MC that this woman, a long-time GF of my exW, 'showed me more affection in five minutes than she had in a year'. What I was expressing was appreciation for those little moments of 'vulnerability' and their value.

 

Simple things like that can make a world of difference. Don't underestimate the power of unspoken connection. It doesn't have to be obvious or sexual. Intimacy is in the little details. Hope that helps

[paddington bear]

Well, not sure if it was all your comments, but something worked anyway...I actually had it in my mind all night to just 'be' I guess on one of my dates. Not sure if that is what it was, or something else (in any case, yes, I got a guy...temporarily).