iheartsuki Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 ok so, i don't want to be this kind of girl, but i guess i am. so please go easy on me. when my bf and i started dating, the topic of porn came up and i told him i was ok with it (and if i recall correctly i even clarified that if it is a means to an end, i don't really see what's wrong). i have had past issues with feeling extremely insecure about an ex watching it, hiding it around the apartment and all over his computer, but felt i had mostly overcome this by the time i started dating my bf now (but did let him know about my past insecurities). well, we were both hanging out in the living room a little while ago, on our laptops, on different couches. i couldn't see his computer and he couldn't see mine. for some reason, i felt like he was watching porn. no specific reason why, i just suddenly for some reason, out of the blue felt like he was (honest). so i turned to him and asked him if he was. he started laughing and acting really awkward and wouldn't answer. finally he said "yeah, maybe". i'm not entirely sure why and i wish it wasn't this way, but i just started crying. i felt so unbelievably hurt and angry in that moment that i just started crying uncontrollably. i don't want to be like this but i'm still crying thinking about it. i guess part of it is that i always thought it was a means to an end. just images to help you get off. but... i'm extremely bothered by the fact that he was sitting there, secretly looking at it right next to me. he was NOT masturbating and was fully clothed. it clearly wasn't a means to an end. then he came over and sort of tried to consol me but wouldn't stop laughing at me crying. so i just felt even more hurt and angry and told him to go away and leave me alone. he insisted that he just watches it for entertainment. but with SO many other entertaining things out there, why do you need to watch that for entertainment? you really can't find something else that's entertaining? and if it IS for entertainment, what's so entertaining about it?? is it the other hot naked chicks?? or is he storing this imagery away for later??? am i so unattractive that he has to do it right next to me???? and why? why does he have to do it right next to me? he really HAS to watch it THAT badly that he can't even wait just a little while until i'm somewhere else? it's really THAT "entertaining"? i wish i wasn't an annoying, insecure mess, but i guess that's just the kind of girl i am. i am so confused and so hurt right now....not sure why...
dreamingoftigers Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 It hurts for the usual response reasons: It is toxic **** and replaces you being the one meeting his sexual needs in the relationship. As long as he was subbing it in it wasn't threatening, but now it is coming in the room as "entertainment" when you are sitting right there. Time to tune up your boundaries, also try to look at it rationally and without getting caught up in the hurt. Look up some information about boundaries and porn. Candeo is a good site for that, it talks about what happens in the brain when porn is viewed. My husband has a sexual/porn addiction. It has all but destroyed our marriage. Definitely clear these things up before you decide to get too serious with this guy. I had a serious porn problem in my younger years that affected my intimate life. You might not actually have a problem with him viewing porn, it could be very triggering for you since you had trouble with the ex. There could be some leftover emotional scarring for you that just got poked at. Now let's hear from a bunch of LS guys (and some girls) about how "you shouldn't feel that way because even though he is focused on thousands of other women in a non-emotional completely lustful way, he loves you. And the fact that you have any emotional reaction to your mate just means that you are insecure, jealous and crazy. You are also controlling. All guys do it and men need variety." Did I get the justification list covered?
Pleco Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 It hurts for the usual response reasons: It is toxic **** and replaces you being the one meeting his sexual needs in the relationship. As long as he was subbing it in it wasn't threatening, but now it is coming in the room as "entertainment" when you are sitting right there. ..... My husband has a sexual/porn addiction. It has all but destroyed our marriage. Definitely clear these things up before you decide to get too serious with this guy. I had a serious porn problem in my younger years that affected my intimate life. Yeah, she was sitting right there, but she was on her computer too. Obviously not very entertaining, huh? He was playing on his laptop, and she was on hers. If he was bored and wanted to look at porn, that's his prerogative. You have ZERO evidence that his looking at porn is affecting their love life. She has made NO suggestion that his looking at porn is replacing her or affecting his sexual need for her at all. You are projecting your own experiences onto him, just as she is projecting her feelings from her last relationship onto this one. I will give my experience. My fiance and I both love porn (albeit very different types of porn). We watch it together sometimes. I would definitely say that he watches it more than me, but then again his sex drive is higher. I use it maybe 2-3 times per week. He usually uses it the same amount, but I know there are weeks when he may watch it every day (this usually isn't the case, though). But (and here is the kicker) his watching porn has NEVER affected our sex life. I've never initiated sex with him only to have him say, "I'm sorry honey, I've been watching porn all day. I don't want to sleep with you." If he ever said that, of course I would agree with everything in your post. But it's not an issue. Just like for me, there are some weeks when I use porn almost every day. It's fun, it's personal, and it's a completely different form of arousal than what I feel with my fiance. It is all about ME, and has nothing at ALL to do with him, nor is it a replacement for him in any way. I know this doesn't help the OP very much. She IS insecure, and she will need to get to the bottom of that on her own. To OP: given your past history, it's understandable why you feel the way you do. But you really have got to stop projecting your past relationship onto your boyfriend. You will lose him if you can't separate the two. Has your boyfriend ever preferred porn to sex with you? Has him masturbating to porn ever come between your sexual intimacy? Does he lie to you about how often he uses porn? Has it become an obsession where he is staying up late every night or sneaking onto the computer to look at it? If he does none of these things, then you don't have a problem. Guys like looking at naked women. He was bored while surfing the net, and you were busy on your computer. That's ALL there was to it.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Quite frank, when dude is sitting there masturbating to porn right while she is in the room, shouldn't she be getting preference? That struck me as threatening and replacement. Perhaps simply an assumption, but that is how I read it. Using porn together does not supercede addiction just so you know. Being sexually compulsive with someone does not mean that you are not sexually compulsive ( I am not actually accusing you of this, just saying that because you do it together etc, and are accepting of the behaviour does not mean that there isn't an issue.) Just like two alcoholics are accepting of the other's drinking, or two social drinkers can handle the booze and are okay with each other's drinking. Similar substance, same type of relationship, two different outcomes. If there is something really bothering her about the usage then two things need to happen: 1. She needs to examine if it is crossing an emotional/intimate line with her 2. She may need to adjust her boundaries with him. She would need to examine this. I never accused the guy of being an addict, there are plenty of wives/SO of addicts on this board and the flags pop up so quick they blind you. I simply mentioned that she should take an educated look at what porn does, examine whether her problem is coming from this relationship or the last one. (Maybe her problem isn't with her guy looking at the porn, just the feeling of feeling threatened the way it was presented.) I also shared a brief bit of my experience with porn and thought I would encourage her not to listen to people shame her feeling about the subject. Some of the first threads I posted in dealing with my issue let me know that I was many of the things described above and that I maybe wasn't adequate for my husband. NOT HELPFUL. I don't like porn. Whatever. I am not a fan of Celine Dion's music either. That doesn't mean that I will tell someone to never listen to Celine again. But if they say that they don't like the noise coming from the radio and "what can they do?", I may suggest switching the frequency.
musemaj11 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Lol, if I were him, I might be laughing , too. Naive women are funny. The sooner that women accept the fact that there is no such a thing as the most beautiful woman for men, the better they will be.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 From his POV, you told him you were ok with something and when he did it you punished him for it. He isn't going to see the finer points of what exactly you are are ok with or not - he heard "I'm ok with porn" and then you freaked out on him and turned it on him with passive aggressive brute force turning something you originally said you were ok with into some form of him abusing your self esteem in some way. You attacked him not only for doing something you said you were ok with, but you attacked his honesty as well. Do you know what people learn when that happens? They learn that they can't be honest with you and that you don't say what you mean or mean what you say. You will need to back up considerably, tone down the crying and self pity and talk to him logically about exactly why you said it was ok, and why you changed your mind (and remember, in his POV - you changed your mind) - if you aren't able to see this from his POV, he isn't going to be willing to see it from yours. Open and honest communication isn't about telling someone they are wrong. It is about calmly finding out each other's POV, acknowledging it (even if you don't accept it) and going from there. I'm telling you - there is not a man on the face of the planet who will feel comfortable trying to have a discussion with a woman who is crying and throwing her self pity in his face. That only angers and frustrates. Logic. Look up "verbal self defense" and make your case in a way that he will not only hear, but actually listen to. At least he laughed. He could have reacted very poorly and you'd have an even bigger uphill battle to deal with.
Lovelybird Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 People who watch porn and don't want to feel bad about themselves will of course tell you that you are insecure. Instead of looking at themselves they blame others. But do you have an issue here about yourself? yes, your problem isn't being uncomfortable with porn, but being dishonest with yourself and others. Sounds like you are ready to betray yourself at any moment in order to have a relationship with a man. and man can feel this, this is unattractive. Why did you blame yourself as insecure for your boyfriend's porn watching habbit? If women learn to listen their deep down voices, how many bad relationships they can avoid? Boring and lonely people love to watch porn, this is nothing pride of and "being normal"
Titania22 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I think porn and masturbation is a problem, if it makes the guy incapable of cuming during sex with a real life girl.
FryFish Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Quite frank, when dude is sitting there masturbating to porn right while she is in the room, shouldn't she be getting preference? That struck me as threatening and replacement. Perhaps simply an assumption, but that is how I read it.You read it wrong. He was not masturbating. He was fully clothed. Why do people respond to posts without reading them?
dreamingoftigers Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 You read it wrong. He was not masturbating. He was fully clothed. Why do people respond to posts without reading them? I know that this may sound weird, but I thought it said "he was masturbating and fully clothed." I know my H would sometimes just reach past the belt buckle. He can even bring himself to orgasm that way. I read tons of posts on here, it is likely I will miss something. By doing what I thought he was doing, it would seem like he was trying to conceal something, especially his response afterward. That was more of a flag to me then the actual event that occurred. My apologies for the error.
Kinder-Horror Posted January 11, 2011 Posted January 11, 2011 I do not have a problem with my bf watching porn... if: It doesn't impact our relationship, physically or otherwise and if I am not around. Some people may find it weird that he was watching it while you were in the room, versus surfing some other site - but he may not see it that way. Just sit him down and explain why it hurt your feelings. If you genuinely don't mind him watching it while you are NOT around, explain that - and tell him that it makes you uncomfortable when he watches it with you right there in the room with him. He may have been laughing because he genuinely didn't think of it in the way that you are and was taken back by your reaction. Just communicate!
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 ok so, i don't want to be this kind of girl, but i guess i am. so please go easy on me. when my bf and i started dating, the topic of porn came up and i told him i was ok with it (and if i recall correctly i even clarified that if it is a means to an end, i don't really see what's wrong). i have had past issues with feeling extremely insecure about an ex watching it, hiding it around the apartment and all over his computer, but felt i had mostly overcome this by the time i started dating my bf now (but did let him know about my past insecurities). well, we were both hanging out in the living room a little while ago, on our laptops, on different couches. i couldn't see his computer and he couldn't see mine. for some reason, i felt like he was watching porn. no specific reason why, i just suddenly for some reason, out of the blue felt like he was (honest). so i turned to him and asked him if he was. he started laughing and acting really awkward and wouldn't answer. finally he said "yeah, maybe". i'm not entirely sure why and i wish it wasn't this way, but i just started crying. i felt so unbelievably hurt and angry in that moment that i just started crying uncontrollably. i don't want to be like this but i'm still crying thinking about it. i guess part of it is that i always thought it was a means to an end. just images to help you get off. but... i'm extremely bothered by the fact that he was sitting there, secretly looking at it right next to me. he was NOT masturbating and was fully clothed. it clearly wasn't a means to an end. then he came over and sort of tried to consol me but wouldn't stop laughing at me crying. so i just felt even more hurt and angry and told him to go away and leave me alone. he insisted that he just watches it for entertainment. but with SO many other entertaining things out there, why do you need to watch that for entertainment? you really can't find something else that's entertaining? and if it IS for entertainment, what's so entertaining about it?? is it the other hot naked chicks?? or is he storing this imagery away for later??? am i so unattractive that he has to do it right next to me???? and why? why does he have to do it right next to me? he really HAS to watch it THAT badly that he can't even wait just a little while until i'm somewhere else? it's really THAT "entertaining"? i wish i wasn't an annoying, insecure mess, but i guess that's just the kind of girl i am. i am so confused and so hurt right now....not sure why... Your responses, reflexive or not, threaten to send him more toward the porn and further away from you. I'm quite impressed that he was honest in his response to you. And now, the next time he comes to this fork in the road, he's going to be less likely to be honest in answering the same question from you. I can't knock your impulsive response in crying, but perhaps the best thing at the time would have been for you to go into greater detail about how the porn thing (and all the secrecy) had affected your past relationship. Sure you can keep throwing them back until you find a porn-free guy, OR you can resolve to not let it matter as much to you. And don't forget that SOME girlfriends would have leapt over there and watched it WITH him at the time.
love4me2c Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 The other day, I caught my bf watching porn on ye olde iPhone. Instead of getting mad, I told him to hand it to me and we watched it together. Later he told me he thought it was hot that I was watching it with him. I wasn't into it, but hey, if you can't beat 'em then join 'em!
Enchanted Girl Posted January 14, 2011 Posted January 14, 2011 You guys have no sexual problems, right? And he doesn't act like he's going to cheat on you? Then it's not as big of a problem as you are making it out to be. You're the real thing. That stuff he is looking at is fake. It's you he wants, not them. I know it's hard to believe that, but why don't you try admiring guys physically for awhile and flirting with them. You'll feel better about yourself and have some fun and realize that doing those things doesn't change your feelings or dedication or attraction to your boyfriend in any way and it's the same for him. I think porn and masturbation is a problem, if it makes the guy incapable of cuming during sex with a real life girl. Trust me, I've only dated guys with unhealthy porn habits. I'm becoming increasingly aware that my current boyfriend's regular masturbation and porn viewing has caused his penis to pretty much numb up. He can not cum when we are having sex. =/ And my ex-boyfriend used to get angry at me because I didn't do all the things that women in porn did and that he couldn't have a ton of women all the time like he could when he was watching porn. And started saying he wanted an open relationship and blah, blah, blah. As long as they aren't trying to pull crap like this then it's probably harmless.
Author iheartsuki Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 thanks, everyone, for the replies! my bf and i (after a lot of fighting ) sat down and talked about everything. he told me that he watches pretty much only things that we do together. he said it was really awkward for him to be telling me all of this, so i guess i believe that he was telling the truth. :/ at first, i felt much better. the impression that i got was that he wasn't watching it for variety or b/c he can't get off w/out it or b/c he's storing the images away to use in his head while he's having sex with me or any of the other fears i had. i know that last one is something i'm supposed to accept as normal and healthy, but i can't help finding it really upsetting. :/ it upsets me b/c i only think about and want to sleep with the person i love and am with and it really upsets me to think that it's not being returned. anyway...i felt better, but jealous thoughts are creeping up again. we got into a gigantic fight last night (about something unrelated) that turned into fighting about all kinds of differences...and one of them that came up was about checking out other people. i've known a lot of different guys and most do not stand and stare a girl down or make a huge production over an attractive female. they look, of course, and they might say something about it....but most of them don't stand and blatantly gawk, from what i've observed. the ones that DO are generally disrespectful of women in general, immature, creeperish, or all of the above. my bf said that he's the kind of guy who will stand and stare a girl down and make it known to her and anyone around that she's attractive. he said, for the most part, he doesn't do this anymore, and definitely not when anyone i know is around (which means he still does it sometimes???). then he said maybe we're too different because he thinks i should be ok w/ him checking out other women but i feel disrespected, unattractive, insulted, and embarrassed and would prefer that the guy i'm with not do that. i literally can't think about anything else now. it's eating away at me and i feel like i'm going crazy with jealousy and pain. i know there are people with real problems, whose so's have cheated or left them for other people and i'm whining about this. but it really f*cking hurts. i don't know why, but it has me really upset. i'm not sure if my standards should change, or if i'm entitled to have standards of my own and have them met. what really bothers me the most is that men claim it's "no big deal" and means nothing yet, NOT doing it IS a big deal? if it's not a big deal, why is it so hard to stop out of respect? why is it so difficult to only think about the person you're with if those other women "don't matter" anyway? you can all bash me and call me stupid or silly or naive all you want, but i figured it was better to come crying to a bunch of strangers than blow up at my bf later w/ out of control emotions. :/ if anyone can help me with this....i would really appreciate it.
Author iheartsuki Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 also, thank you to those of you who suggested joining in w/ him on porn. i understand you were trying to help, but i don't think i could ever bring myself to do that. he's asked me to multiple times and it's just too weird for me!! i think i would feel too awkward and way too jealous about the other women in it. :(
Kinder-Horror Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 i've known a lot of different guys and most do not stand and stare a girl down or make a huge production over an attractive female. they look, of course, and they might say something about it....but most of them don't stand and blatantly gawk, from what i've observed. the ones that DO are generally disrespectful of women in general, immature, creeperish, or all of the above. my bf said that he's the kind of guy who will stand and stare a girl down and make it known to her and anyone around that she's attractive. he said, for the most part, he doesn't do this anymore, and definitely not when anyone i know is around (which means he still does it sometimes???). then he said maybe we're too different because he thinks i should be ok w/ him checking out other women but i feel disrespected, unattractive, insulted, and embarrassed and would prefer that the guy i'm with not do that. uhhh - you're correct. It is encoded in most guys' DNA to look at an attractive woman. But in NO WAY is it just "okay" for your boyfriend to gawk at girls and "make it known to her and anyone around that she's attractive." That is completely disrespectful. I would be ignorant to pretend that my boyfriend doesn't see other attractive women when we are out in public. But he never makes me feel second rate and never makes it known to the world that "HEY! I'm checking her out! Let it be known!" The more you talk about this guy the more I am starting to think you need to reevaluate this relationship. You should have a guy that respects your feelings. And you feeling that he should keep his viewing of porn to when he is alone and tone down the creeping on girls... those are not irrational and extreme requests
Author iheartsuki Posted January 15, 2011 Author Posted January 15, 2011 thanks for your reply kinder-horror. just to clarify, he doesn't do that when he's around me, though he did have some extreme outward behavior when we first started dating. i told him i found it disrespectful and he has toned it down since then, but still sometimes makes remarks about ads on tv or things to that effect if we're among a group of friends or doesn't mask very well when he sees an attractive woman. i don't expect him to immediately stare at the ground or look the opposite direction or anything that insane, i just expect him to not linger on her or do conspicuous double takes...or make remarks when we're out with friends (very embarrassing). but he has toned it down and he claims that THAT is very difficult for him to do....yet says in the same sentence that none of those girls matter. it makes me feel completely insecure to think that he is that kind of a guy prior to dating me or even sometimes now, because generally, i consider those types of guys to be creepers when i see it happening. and it seems to me that attractive girls MUST matter a lot to him and it's only a matter of time before he reverts to that kind of extreme behavior when i'm around. i'm not going to be <30 forever and mostly wrinkle free forever, afterall. why is it such a difficult sacrifice for him to make if other girls don't matter?
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