bzoe Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 some input on this? some of my backstory for those interested http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t259945/ here's what i don't get. during that convo yesterday in that rare show of humanity one of the things he said was "i don't want you to be broken, i want you to be ok. I hope you're not hurting" I didn't bother embellishing on any details of my pain which can be found scattered through the coping section and this page. I feel like ok.. relationships end. breakups happen right? there is just no reason to be so foul if honesty..some sense of fairness.. some sort of respect for what the relationship was existed I feel my ex went to some unusual lengths to create me into some sort of enemy when I didn't do anything. it was like.. he couldn't stop. whenever he paused, he'd admit things like he's in torment and how he can't believe how cold he's been to me when i didnt deserve it. but he resumed. and on and one with bitter hurt. my theory is making me some sort of enemy makes it easier for him to deal? bc he thinks theres no undoing what he did.. maybe he's right but then again ive shown time and time again i have a big heart and an apology shouldn't be contingent on what you get out of it.. not if its genuine anyway but then when he says he doesn't want me to be broken or hurt (since at some point i literally said.. you broke me) when he's made every effort to avoid finding out how im doing -like he'll initiate conversation and want to talk about the weather and his perpetual cold..but when he asks how i am, if i even hint that im not ok, he bails. Like it had come to the point where he'd text and id be sobbing but i had to be extremely careful not to let on just to have that little contact. why say you never meant to destroy me or hurt me when you choose to carry on for months in a hurtful way rather than have one honest conversation? how can you mean it when you choose not to know if you DID hurt me in order to make it easier for you. how can that sentiment be genuine then ..anyone?
2themoon&back Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 OMG Our lives are very similar!!! You posted such a beautiful response on another thread of mine and I was going to respond and found yours by accident and because of the thread title I read it and OMG is all I could say !!! I am in the middle of that same thought, with my xH, he tells me "I am the very best thing that ever happened to him" pre divorce, during the divorce, and post divorce...and I never understood why he would not do the work the MC told him was necessary to save the marriage if I was all that to him. Don't get me wrong we are dear friends, until I need him for anything. It was that way in our marriage and now it is bleeding over to our friendship and I just cannot figure it out. He takes all the blame why the marriage failed, I don’t agree with this, but it is how he sees it. He says he does not want his shortcomings from the marriage to dissipate our friendship, but it is. He will say he will do something for me and then find reasons why he cannot do it. This is so puzzling to me. He says he does not want to disappoint me and does that very thing? And why?? Maybe we can help each other find some clarity together here… and if not at least we know we are not alone !!! (((hugs)))
worlybear Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Hi. Having that honest conversation is beyond his capabilities as it would mean that he would have to acknowledge the damage he has caused. He cannot accept that he is less than perfect, so it is easier to chat about trivialities and pretend to himself that he is a kind person enquiring after your well-being. This, despite the fact that he is the cause of all your grief! Go N.C. now. He has issues of his own and needs to stop using you to try and justify his poor ,past actions. Get him out of your life. Hugs:bunny::bunny:
AC06 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Depends on the aim of the NC, because you design it based on what you want the NC to achieve. I have tried saying a nice goodbye to my ex, telling her I love her and will miss her, but I clearly still want her, and it's designed to make her want to contact me. Which works, until she changes her mind again. A few years ago I wanted an ex completely out of my life, so I gave no notice, changed my number and it worked well.
AC06 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 The way I see it, it's a combination of not being able to accept responsibility for their mistakes, and making you into an enemy makes it easier for them to avoid accessing any feelings they have for you.
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