miss_b Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 My husband & I have a 2 year old son, & separated in October. The last year has been rough, & we've been fighting a lot. He asked for a divorce so my son & I went to stay with my aunt. I thought we just needed time apart. Two weeks after I left he moved 2 buddies in (immature, dirty dudes who've never had serious girlfriends). I was shocked & asked to work things out. He said he needed time. We've been coordinating care for our son & dealing with joint bills and stuff okay. We even took our son out a few times, and we went on a few dates (& had sex). He finally said he wants to work things out. I asked when we can come home because our living situation isn't permanent. He said he doesn't know, it could take a year or two before he's ready for us to move back in; he said he needs to know 100% that it will work out & he just isn't sure. That was a month ago. We spent xmas together, and the next day when me & my son were alone again, I felt like ****, because it was like we faked being a family for the holidays. So I told him that it's now or never, that we aren't just a family when he wants us to be, without the commitment or responsibilites. He said that if I want to work things out I'm going to have to wait for him and it's going to be on his terms. I've been continuing the counseling we both started a year ago, and he's refused to go these past few months. He came this week though, and basically said the same thing, that he doesn't think it's going to work out. I told him I realize that I played a big part in our problems, something I had refused to admit this whole time, & I know what I need to do to fix things. I've been trying to work on myself during this whole separation. I told him that I need him to make a decision, either we work things out now or we divorce. So he chose divorce. Since then, I've quit calling him and kept our interactions brief when he picks up our son. He's still saying things like "I hope we're a family again by the time our son starts school," "People divorce and get back together all the time", "If it's meant to be then we'll get back together," "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I'm just not ready yet." I told him to stop saying those things, and to stop saying I love you and trying to hug me. He thinks if we divorce now, that he'll be able to slide back in my life when he wants in the future. My son & I are moving into my mom's next week, and I told him it will be permanent. But I'm torn between waiting for the idiot to tell us to come home and giving up forever by divorcing him now. What can I do to get through to him, that this is going to be it between us?? I desperately want to reconcile, but I do have some self-respect, and I don't want to live in limbo waiting for him to decide he wants to be a family again.
broken-and-lost Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 really sorry to hear about your troubles try to keep working on yourself, he has to make up his own mind nothing you say or do will change it now. try to focus your attention on your son he will really need you more then ever at this time. hope you find happiness in your heart again soon
2themoon&back Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I am also sorry to hear you have had a hard time of it. Your emotions are most likely all over the place, but I will say this ... Say what you mean and mean what you say.... If it is really not what you want, then do not say it. Be honest with him and your self ... you will lose credibility by saying one thing and hoping/or acting like you want something else. Maybe before you say anything else give yourself a time frame you are willing to wait, a week, a month, a year and then wait and let things unfold on their own, that way you will feel you have some control over the situation and can concentrate on what is really going on instead of wondering when and how it is going to end. Now if he wants a divorce then that is what he should be doing instead of toying with you by dancing in and out at his will...(not doing what he said he wants... actions not matching words and all) and now his creditability is being lost. I hope you find peace in yourself soon .... ((((hugs))))
carhill Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Essentially, accept the words and actions as authentic and decide if that matches up with what you want. If it doesn't, proactively take actions to assert your perspective. Is the marital domicile owned and jointly titled? My take-away is something I mentioned in MC, basically wrt your H that he's enjoying the freedom of being single with the security of being married. Time for a better, healthier balance to be struck. Once the realities, especially the economic ones, hit him, authenticity will rule. You'll see who he really is. Good luck
Duckduckgoose Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Don't give him all the power, that is what he wants. He is having his cake and eating it too. You need to put your foot down and tell him that if he is not committed to you and your son then he is gone. He needs to know the reality of the situation. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Especially at YOUR and your son's expense!
dreamingoftigers Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Sounds like you are both divided. It sounds like you need to pick a direction, either you want to work things out or you don't. He sounds like the kind of guy who just wants to follow along anyways until he feels any amount of pressure (I have one of those, he will freak and threaten to leave/say it's over/start dividing things and then the next day talk about bringing me on a honeymoon). I would completely firm up your boundaries. If he thinks that you will always be available, make yourself completely unavailable. Good for you for standing strong on this issue. If he has 2 buddies hanging around and doesn't want you to move back in, I would wonder what else he is up to as well. Since he chose divorce, perhaps you should head in the same direction and pull out the stops (unless you can think of a compelling reason to not divorce, in that case remain in "limited contact" until he is ready to re-commit to his family).
sally4sara Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 He said he doesn't know, it could take a year or two before he's ready for us to move back in; he said he needs to know 100% that it will work out. He said that if I want to work things out I'm going to have to wait for him and it's going to be on his terms. This is not the mentality of someone capable of making a marriage work. Its never all one person's fault and a marriage can't last only moving forward on the terms of one half alone. Marriage takes a compromising nature from both. You compromised. You moved out and gave him some space. You gave him sexual comfort when he wanted it. You've looked to your own hand in things and how you can be different. Is HE doing this too? I've been continuing the counseling we both started a year ago, and he's refused to go these past few months. He came this week though, and basically said the same thing, that he doesn't think it's going to work out. Doesn't sound like it. He sounds quite comfy with pinning all the blame on you and none on himself while he lives college dorm style with his buddies. He has regulated you to convenient GF status while he eats at your self esteem. You want him back why? You want your son learning from this relationship why?
2010_Sorry Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 It sounds like he certainly wants a relationship with you, but is just not at the point in his life where he is ready to commit to the effort involved. I don't necessarily think it means that he wants his cake and wants to eat it too... but I think he is being completely open and honest with you. If you hold out hope for reconciliation... like you are now, it will destroy you. You will begin living on every piece of communication from him, if it's good... you will be happy; if it's bad... you will be sad. Trust me, it's a terrible roller coaster. Good luck!
Author miss_b Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Thank you for the advice everyone! I don't want to give up hope for reconciliation, but holding on to that hope is destroying my sanity & happiness. I'm at the point now where I'm just going to stop talking to him about anything other than our son's schedule, and worry about me & our son. The new semester starts in a few weeks, & I have a lot of things going on between work & school & being a mom. I still hope in the back of my mind that he will come to me & say he wants to be a family, but I've become more accepting of the reality that I need to let go & move on, with or without him. If he hasn't filed for divorce within a few months I will be forced to do it. I'm just pissed that he thinks it's no big deal if we divorce now, & that we will just get back together later on when he's ready to have a family again!
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