After a certain age is finding someone going to mean stealing a spouse?

January 8, 2011

I am 30 going on 31. It just occurred to me that most people these days get married in their late 20's and early 30's. If I am single into my 30's is finding someone going to mean stealing someone's wife, dealing with all the baggage of an EX H and kids and all that?

The rule up to this age seems to be to simply stay away from anyone who's even involved seriously in a relationship. However as I look around at my options... all of them are involved with someone else on some level or the other.

i.e. Woman at the coffee shop I have been going to for ages hits on me. I mean seriously flirts with me... but I know she's engaged.

One woman I met over the summer at an exercise class shows interest. But she's got a number of other suitors.

Last but not least the EX I have wrote so much about here.

Where are all the single women between age 26 and 30? All the single women I see are WAY to young to be serious about. IMO.

Am I the only one noticing this?

January 8, 2011

Am I the only one noticing this?

Why only date younger than yourself ?.. you would expand your dating pool if you dated up to a couple of years older than yourself...

I got married in my low-mid 30's and divorced before 40.. then married at the age of 44.. and had a child at 45...

So... no.. there are plenty of single women out there no matter what your age is.

If you hit on or date a married woman then you are the problem not the woman.. who does that kind of self destructive behavior ?.. you want a healthy relationship..

January 8, 2011

I've never heard a man say anything like this, but this thought is rationalized by many women when they are single into their 40s and 50s.

Almost all of my single relatives in those age groups are dating MM.

January 8, 2011

Nah MLO...there are plenty of singles out there of all ages. In my thirties the pickings were plentiful and still are.

Pickings is just my phrase and wording BTW:)...maybe this is a time to just get to know you (I hate it when people tell me that, although maybe they are right)...hang in there, as there is the right person, at the right time, in the right place:), I promise.

January 8, 2011

@ Pureinheart

While I appreciate the sentiment... I just don't feel that the sit back and wait "for the right person" approach is realistic. Maybe I'm biased since.... I would not have been born had my father not extracted my mother from a bad marriage (they have since been married for 32 years.)

@Art Critic

It takes two to tango remember? The MW or MM is as much at fault as the single person.

January 8, 2011

@ Pureinheart

While I appreciate the sentiment... I just don't feel that the sit back and wait "for the right person" approach is realistic. Maybe I'm biased since.... I would not have been born had my father not extracted my mother from a bad marriage (they have since been married for 32 years.)

@Art Critic
It takes two to tango remember? The MW or MM is as much at fault as the single person.

Are you specifically looking for a MW? Forgive me if you communicated this in your last thread, as I was unable to read all of it.

If this is a specific, I remember most of my friends hated being married, and the rest were in bad marriages.

January 8, 2011

I don't want anybody to take this personally but the notion that a married person is somehow a better partner for whatever reason is seriously the dumbest thing I have ever heard. If this is how many people feel no wonder they have relationship problems.

January 8, 2011

@ Pureinheart

While I appreciate the sentiment... I just don't feel that the sit back and wait "for the right person" approach is realistic. Maybe I'm biased since.... I would not have been born had my father not extracted my mother from a bad marriage (they have since been married for 32 years.)

Oh no, not another FA.. The one where: my parents were happy after breaking up a M, and their M has now lasted all this time, and they're devoted to each other, and all that.

C'mon .. you're only 30.. you Can wait for the right (Single) woman, equally yoked, etc ..

@Art Critic

It takes two to tango remember? The MW or MM is as much at fault as the single person.

I think Art was just speaking of Your role as a single person.

January 8, 2011

No I'm not looking for a married woman at all. I'm just looking at what options present themselves to me right now. They consist of.

College girls age 18 to about 23 24. Almost all of which are not in a serious relationship... but are also accordingly immature and flaky, not LTR matterial. I am a graduate student by the way.

Women I meet away from campus who are generally older and almost all either have a fiancée, boyfriend, or serious interest from another man. These women have all expressed some kind of interest in me. These women would all make an excellent LTRs.

I am presented with very young women who aren't mentally or emotionally where I'm at, and women who are also thinking long term....but who still are open to exploring other options as none of them are actually married yet.

Looking to the next few years... those women in the second group are all going to be married... I read that after age 35 2/3rds of women have been married.

January 8, 2011

No I'm not looking for a married woman at all. I'm just looking at what options present themselves to me right now. They consist of.

College girls age 18 to about 23 24. Almost all of which are not in a serious relationship... but are also accordingly immature and flaky, not LTR matterial. I am a graduate student by the way.

Women I meet away from campus who are generally older and almost all either have a fiancée, boyfriend, or serious interest from another man. These women have all expressed some kind of interest in me. These women would all make an excellent LTRs.

I am presented with very young women who aren't mentally or emotionally where I'm at, and women who are also thinking long term....but who still are open to exploring other options as none of them are actually married yet.

Looking to the next few years... those women in the second group are all going to be married... I read that after age 35 2/3rds of women have been married.

This seems true. Although it also seems that people are waiting longer to marry.

Look at the bright side, you may have avoided a divorce by now.

But you do have to wait for the right woman. And it does appear to be more difficult when you're out of school.

January 8, 2011

I am single and 30 and feel pretty Much the same as you. The best I can hope for is divorced with ex drama and years of future child Support. I have no problem dating divorced guys (as I'm divorced too, with two kids of my own) but what I continue to have happen is That they don't get over their exes..and The second she sees him with another woman, she starts being flirty and lovey again and he tells me he wants to see If there's anything still there. It's been about as successful as dating a MM.

January 8, 2011

N These women would all make an excellent LTRs.

A cheating woman would make an excellent LTR? Is this for real?

January 8, 2011

30yo female here, not having problems finding single guys. Older guys (mid 30s) tend to have ex-wives and kids, and I'm not interested in that sort of baggage so I date younger. My current partner is 26, never married, no kids.

I quit going out to clubs and bars because the type of guys I was meeting were too young; college age guys who were into partying and drinking, not LTR material; either that or they were older but already taken. I was more successful with online dating; there were loads of single guys in my age range and I could easily filter out those with baggage. I also did reasonably well in finding mature, relationship-minded guys at evening classes and social groups; the pool of single guys was smaller, but if I found an interesting one it was usually a pretty safe bet that he was up for dating.

January 8, 2011

Women I meet away from campus who are generally older and almost all either have a fiancée, boyfriend, or serious interest from another man. These women have all expressed some kind of interest in me. These women would all make an excellent LTRs.

I'm surprised you would think women who are in a relationship with someone else, some even planning to marry someone else, but who show an interest in you, would make excellent LTRs. Unless everything is above board and they are in open Rs, and that is what you are looking for, I would think them showing an interest in you, under the circumstances, would raise some red flags.

IMO, people who would make excellent LTRs, typically would not want to be "stolen", because they take responsibility for decisions and try to treat others well.

Edited January 8, 2011 by woinlove

January 8, 2011

In my mind there is a difference between planning or thinking about marriage .... and actually being married.

To me marriage is a sacred bond.... boyfriends girlfriends etc etc come and go way to readily to be give the same deference.

IMO, people who would make excellent LTRs, typically would not want to be "stolen", because they take responsibility for decisions and try to treat others well.

Right. Which is why if they change their mind about their relationship, end it first, then start a new relationship. That's not cheating that's called changing ones mind, and people have the right to do that.

January 8, 2011

I am single and 30 and feel pretty Much the same as you. The best I can hope for is divorced with ex drama and years of future child Support. I have no problem dating divorced guys (as I'm divorced too, with two kids of my own) but what I continue to have happen is That they don't get over their exes..and The second she sees him with another woman, she starts being flirty and lovey again and he tells me he wants to see If there's anything still there. It's been about as successful as dating a MM.

That's precisely what I'm worried about. I have no problem with the idea that I may have to take responsibility for another man's child.

What I really don't like is the idea that I will have to go the extra mile to not only form a bond with a woman... but to break an old bond or two. Like you said even when a person is divorced... all that time they shared...leaves them bonded to the other person in a way.

January 8, 2011

Oh no, not another FA.. The one where: my parents were happy after breaking up a M, and their M has now lasted all this time, and they're devoted to each other, and all that.

C'mon .. you're only 30.. you Can wait for the right (Single) woman, equally yoked, etc ..

@Art Critic
It takes two to tango remember? The MW or MM is as much at fault as the single person.

I think Art was just speaking of Your role as a single person.

I just don't see how waiting is to my advantage? The longer I wait the more people near my age are getting married.

In two of those cases... i.e. the Starbucks worker who suddenly has shown interest... and the woman who is not attached but has other suitors... I can easily walk away from.

The EX that I have wrote so much about here is a little different. The best I can do as far as keeping my hands off her is to maintain NC/LC and try not to think of her. I can't say I wouldn't be overjoyed if she came to me.

January 8, 2011

I read that after age 35 2/3rds of women have been married.

This is probably true....but many will have married young and are already divorced. This age group is FULL of divorced men and women, many without kids.

Choosing a love interest who is already attached is a bad bet. Will they really leave their spouse? Will they cheat on and leave you? Too many obvious risks and red flags. Why not choose a partner who demonstrates honesty and healthy relationship skills from the start?

January 8, 2011

OP, where would you like to draw the line? Would you date someone who says they're separated but still live in the same domicile with their estranged spouse due to financial reasons? Back that up a bit. Let's say they're not married but have demoted their living together arrangement to 'roommates', again due to financial reasons.

I've experienced some of these dynamics, especially when much younger, around your age, essentially for the same reasons as apparent in your OP, simply because I wasn't meeting *any* single women, at least single by my parameters, which meant they lived alone and independently and weren't exclusive with anyone else. They simply didn't exist in my locale, a place I was native to.

Anyway, even today, at a much older age, I see examples of the same thing. If a man has any standards whatsoever, meaning standards of who he would approach or not based on relationship status, he gets shoved aside by all the men who don't care. If the woman even smells like she's available, the sharks descend. It's like there's blood in the water. Doesn't matter if she's still married or living with someone. Having standards is a great way to live alone, so I've become comfortable with it. I didn't particularly like the person I had to be in the past to 'get' someone, so maybe that's the lesson.

Hope things work out for you. I don't know your whole story but, having been an OM a few times, I can guess. The world is pretty gray, meaning nebulous. Things aren't always as they seem.

January 8, 2011

I am 30 going on 31. It just occurred to me that most people these days get married in their late 20's and early 30's. If I am single into my 30's is finding someone going to mean stealing someone's wife, dealing with all the baggage of an EX H and kids and all that?

The rule up to this age seems to be to simply stay away from anyone who's even involved seriously in a relationship. However as I look around at my options... all of them are involved with someone else on some level or the other.

i.e. Woman at the coffee shop I have been going to for ages hits on me. I mean seriously flirts with me... but I know she's engaged.

One woman I met over the summer at an exercise class shows interest. But she's got a number of other suitors.

Last but not least the EX I have wrote so much about here.

Where are all the single women between age 26 and 30? All the single women I see are WAY to young to be serious about. IMO.

Am I the only one noticing this?

I liked this post, something different :)

Where are all the single women between age 26 and 30 .. just a guess but maybe they are doing the same as all the single guys between the age 26 and 30, who are equally doing the same as all single people of both sexes between 30 and 35, 35 and 40, etc etc ....

which is ...

working ! earning a crust! supporting themselves, living their life , being responsible for their finances, allocating their resources as best they can to achieve what they want to achieve,pursuing their hobbies/interests etc ... ie .. getting on with the business of life.

Perhaps they haven't got time to hang around coffee shops seeking validation of single men ... ???? Perhaps they are occupied with, well ... their life???

Perhaps they don't need the validation that younger women need from single men ... perhaps they are occupied with, well, their life???

I see that the "problem" is that as people get older they (hopefully) become more confident, self assured and complete as individuals ... more financially self-sufficient , more aware of their inner level of contentment and more aware of wanting to do something "more" for the rest of society than just sit around and consume.

So they, hopefully, have bigger ideas, aspirations and higher expectations of themselves ... they see the bigger picture of life.

As you point out - the young don't seem very "deep" to you now that you're 30 ... you want someone with more depth to them to match your growing world view.

Kudos to that.

So where will these people with more depth be ... living their life I hope, according to what they stand for.

What do you stand for?

If you're wanting to help the poor then go do it ... any single women you meet will have the same aim as you.

If you want to travel then go to it ... any single women travellers you meet whilst doing so will have the same interest as you ..

If you love children then throw yourself into groups that help them ... any single women you will meet will share a passion with you ...

If you love hanging around coffee shops looking forlonly at other people who are not available .. then you're mostly going to find people who are not available.

I guess my arguement is you don't need to find all the single women .. you just need to meet one wonderful one who shares the same interests and aims as you and is confident enough to live them - even without you.

Of course, if you're not living your dreams and aims then you're never going to be in the same place as her.

Just meandering throughts ... no hassle and not downing you ... trying to do the opposite in fact ...

be well

Chris

January 8, 2011

[quote=Mrlonelyone;3185076

I just don't see how waiting is to my advantage? The longer I wait the more people near my age are getting married.

In two of those cases... i.e. the Starbucks worker who suddenly has shown interest... and the woman who is not attached but has other suitors... I can easily walk away from.

The EX that I have wrote so much about here is a little different. The best I can do as far as keeping my hands off her is to maintain NC/LC and try not to think of her. I can't say I wouldn't be overjoyed if she came to me.

Just saw this one ... question .... why are you even looking for someone else if you're not over the ex ???

C:)

January 8, 2011

@carhill.

Right now I draw the line at actual marriage. People who are actually married are off limits. I have known too many people who were engaged only to break it off. It's almost like engagement has become equal to what going steady used to mean to some people.

I know what you mean about the world looking grey. In terms of relationships it's like...I look at just how strong the relationship is. People lie to themselves and others about relationships all the time. i.e. They will say they are madly in love, when they aren't. They'll say they are committed then dump you the next day. etc.

In particular the relationship with the EX I have written so much about here. NC for three years or so, found on FB in November having just that month started an official "relationship". I wished her well...but over the comming weeks I just could not deny I still felt it for her. I sent her an email, got a reply from her BF, then blocked on her FB. She then created a second FB her BF does not know about and friended a friend of mine so she could once again see much of what I posted. That's where I stand... waiting for her to decide if she really wants to go all the way to the altar with the BF...while trying to move on.

I'm trying to move on...but wherever I look it seems all the women have some other love interest. ... Or they are young and immature women who would not want to have the kind of serious relationship I'm looking for...they are still sowing their oats.

January 8, 2011

I do think people are waiting a lot longer to marry these days..

They are suspicious, and seem to think there is a better one around the corner.

I have thought about it before in my own life, that anyone I would meet would have tons of baggage - mostly that of comparing a new relationship to others. Of course I have baggage, but minimal compared to most.. Fortuneatly I have been through the remarrying stage and am far more settled in now.

My sons are 43 and never married. Sounds terrible doesn't it .. One has had two serious relationships, and it would have been disasterous had he married either of them. Probably both would have experienced the hurt and devastation of a divorce by now.

I know this is no way to look at it, for every mother wants the best, happy life for their children. But their attitudes now reflect more of a easiness of their situation than ever before, and Based on women they have met.

Men and women each seem to have their own diff reasons for wishing to marry. Reasons that aren't always realistic.

January 8, 2011

@ DesertIslandCactus

About your sons. Just how was breaking up those LTR's better than divorce. I mean other than the legal aspect emotionally wouldn't they be just as devastating.

January 8, 2011

@ DesertIslandCactus

About your sons. Just how was breaking up those LTR's better than divorce. I mean other than the legal aspect emotionally wouldn't they be just as devastating.

One was bossy, demanding, ungiving. The other lied and stole, takes advantage of almost everyone in her life. And no, he didn't see or know this at the beginning of the relationships.

Divorce would have been expensive.

Sign In

After a certain age is finding someone going to mean stealing a spouse?

Recommended Posts

Mrlonelyone

Art_Critic

NoIDidn't

pureinheart

Mrlonelyone

pureinheart

Woggle

desertIslandCactus

Mrlonelyone

desertIslandCactus

KarmasTestDummy

Woggle

Eeyore79

woinlove

Mrlonelyone

Mrlonelyone

Mrlonelyone

xxoo

carhill

silverplanets

silverplanets

Mrlonelyone

desertIslandCactus

Mrlonelyone

desertIslandCactus

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...