hanging on for now Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 This year has been unreal. From finding out about the affair in May, her moving out in August, her telling me it became physical in September and was over in October. She felt guilty toward me and his wife. Now we are trying to figure things out, me more than her. She still is in love with the other guy. His preference, they would still be getting together and no he didn't tell his wife so I am threatened by this. I have made peace with the affair and have forgiven my wife. I'm afraid she hasn't forgiven herself and that is what is holding her back. We have delt with a lot of the issues in our marriage prior to the affair but nothing seems to be enough for her. 25 years we have been married and I'll wait as long as necessary. But I wonder if there is anything that could jump start our marriage? I know this is a process that takes time but I can't help but worry about the other man.
norm28 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I'm sorry for what your going through, a lot of us have been there. There's a saying I've seen several times here. Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option. In your case, it may be your own perception that your only an option that you have a hard time getting past. 25 years is a long time, and if this is an isolated incident, then you can probably work through it. But it takes time. It's not your obligation to trust her, it's her obligation to prove you can trust her. Hang in there man, and good luck!!
Author hanging on for now Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 I'm sorry for what your going through, a lot of us have been there. There's a saying I've seen several times here. Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option. In your case, it may be your own perception that your only an option that you have a hard time getting past. 25 years is a long time, and if this is an isolated incident, then you can probably work through it. But it takes time. It's not your obligation to trust her, it's her obligation to prove you can trust her. Hang in there man, and good luck!! thanks for the encouragement. I just miss my wife.
Mrlonelyone Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 While I have never been married I can sort of imagine how you must feel. After 25 years the standard advice handed on on here will not apply to you (going NC leaving her etc). Too much is invested, too much is at stake to do that. You say she still loves this other man? That's what's holding her back. Have you heard of the concept of an emotional affair? Apparently it is possible to have an affair simply by feeling loving feelings for someone other than your significant other. It sounds like though your wife may have physically ended it with this man, she has on some level given her emotions to him. The only thing that I can suggest is marriage counseling. Through that your emotional relationship may get back to normal. I really hope you get your wife back emotionally and physically.
2010_Sorry Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Wow. It certainly sounds like you had a crazy year. I also had an affair on my husband a few years ago, and we have since divorced. I truly had myself convinced that I loved the OM. Over time, I discovered that it was never love at all... just excitement. Mrlonelyone is right, that her "perception" of how she feels for this man is holding her back. But alternatively, you're right too... she has to come to grips with the decisions she has made and find forgiveness for herself. In doing so, she will be able to identify things that had happened, and her own thoughts that made the marriage vulnerable to infidelity. She will never get there, until she deals with this "emotion" she feels for the OM. You are smart to worry about the OM... if you and your wife are actively working on the marriage and hit a tough spot (which you will.. recovery from an affair is one of the hardest things a couple ever encounters) could make her vulnerable again. She needs to be ready for that... I've been reading a book that has helped me look back and really evaluate everything so I can be a better person in my next (and final) relationship. I would recommend grabbing a copy and taking a look... it's written for the couple to read together with exercises... but individuals (both the betrayed and the participating partner) can benefit from it as well. It's called "Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal and Move On - Together or Apart", by Douglas K. Snyder. Good luck!
Author hanging on for now Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 While I have never been married I can sort of imagine how you must feel. After 25 years the standard advice handed on on here will not apply to you (going NC leaving her etc). Too much is invested, too much is at stake to do that. You say she still loves this other man? That's what's holding her back. Have you heard of the concept of an emotional affair? Apparently it is possible to have an affair simply by feeling loving feelings for someone other than your significant other. It sounds like though your wife may have physically ended it with this man, she has on some level given her emotions to him. The only thing that I can suggest is marriage counseling. Through that your emotional relationship may get back to normal. I really hope you get your wife back emotionally and physically. Thank you. I have came to the realization that she fell in love with him, shared her emotions as well as her body. It sadens me as well as hurts me and humiliates me. Men who say their wives cheated for sex are typically lying. Most women need to be on an emotional level to cheat and they sleep with them to satisfy the guy. Sad thing is, most cheating men are probably out for sex and will tell them anything to get in their pants. She swears she thought he loved her. Well he isn't divorcing his wife and hides their relationship. She has second thoughts pertaining to his actions. I say it is about time, but not to her. I'm not that foolish. But her feelings are real and will need time to fade. I need this site to vent. Not really looking for answers but the suggestions are appreciated.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Wow. It certainly sounds like you had a crazy year. I also had an affair on my husband a few years ago, and we have since divorced. I truly had myself convinced that I loved the OM. Over time, I discovered that it was never love at all... just excitement. Mrlonelyone is right, that her "perception" of how she feels for this man is holding her back. But alternatively, you're right too... she has to come to grips with the decisions she has made and find forgiveness for herself. In doing so, she will be able to identify things that had happened, and her own thoughts that made the marriage vulnerable to infidelity. She will never get there, until she deals with this "emotion" she feels for the OM. You are smart to worry about the OM... if you and your wife are actively working on the marriage and hit a tough spot (which you will.. recovery from an affair is one of the hardest things a couple ever encounters) could make her vulnerable again. She needs to be ready for that... I've been reading a book that has helped me look back and really evaluate everything so I can be a better person in my next (and final) relationship. I would recommend grabbing a copy and taking a look... it's written for the couple to read together with exercises... but individuals (both the betrayed and the participating partner) can benefit from it as well. It's called "Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal and Move On - Together or Apart", by Douglas K. Snyder. Good luck! Thanks for your insite. She isn't living under our roof and right now isn't interested in dealing with the affair, just says it's over. I'm not that stupid. It may be over but her feelings for him are holding her back. I already know what the counselor is going to say and could save the $110 per hour but she can't hear it from me. It has to be someone else. If she would only allow me the chance to love her again, and I'm not talking about sex, I know she would see me as sincere and hopefully warm back to me. Then maybe in time we could have our lives together back again. I know rough times are ahead. They can't be much worse than what I have already been over. I though about getting word to him through channels that he better get away from her, but had second thoughts. I can't do it directly as my employment position has the power to get him fired. That also is holding me back. If he was to get fired after I warned him, I could see me calling my lawyer due to the perception. Thanks again.
Author hanging on for now Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Maybe we've turned the page. She asked for me to take her to our daughers house for the weekend. It's a 12 hour drive to the east coast. Said we could share a motel room. I didn't take that to mean a trip through the sheets but just the fact that she is saying that is a positive step. She kissed me good bye and told me she loves me. I know there are many steps to go but its much better than what it was. Also she told me her biggest fears are two things, one that things go back the way they were. That's impossible with all we've been through and the other is every time we disagree, the affair will be dragged back out. That isn't my plan either but reality is when you are hurt, cornered or mad, we do things we regret. I told her it wasn't in my plans but I understood her concerns. It also was the first time she has said things that concerned her after we were back together. That in itself is positive. So many posts up here end up with divorce, maybe I can fight the current and save my marriage. I can only hope.
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