To, and from.

[confusiondancer]

Never thought I'd be making one of these threads myself. Read up stuff on here but...never really thought I'd ever find myself in the situation to bring it up myself. Well what do I want and or expect? Well...nothing really..advice for my current situation would be nice, from people who have been on both sides of the fence before. Also, I suppose I'm sticking my story here as a big " beware of slippery slope" sign for anyone who bothers to read member or not.

 

I used to have a girlfriend, we were together for four years, I moved down from scotland to be with her (she's english). She and her family took me in, and we lived a happy life for a couple of years. Rented our own house and everything was going dandy. Then I got made redundant at my work and she became the sole bread winner...which was difficult for her. Whatever happened, eventually contact somehow broke between us. I'll note at this point she actually became addicted to an MMORPG ( no, not warcraft but the situation is similar)she was playing on it for entire days, and I became somewhat of a butler, getting her food and drink so she didn't have to take her eyes off the game. Contact became reduced and eventually it was just like living with a silent room mate.

 

And then, through a mysterious email I find out that shes been cheating on me.

 

Took her a few days to admit it, but she did. I was kinda quiet, reserved. Didn't say anything or much. In the first few weeks she was nicer, spoke more and tried to in general make it up to me. And I gave her that chance. But....it discontinued. She eventually went back on the game and everything continued to spiral. So, rolls around June. I'm visiting my parents in scotland and this girl who I've known for awhile but never really " spoken" to contacts me via msn. We start talking more. Then one night, we spend an entire night talking. Which I find usually impossible. But we just kept talking away. Days and weeks passed and we kept talking. And....eventually feelings developed on both sides. She was aware I was still with my girlfriend, and wanted me to get rid of her before we entered a relationship. So I went ahead to do it....

 

But....problems surfaced. The girl I was with was quite heavily depressed. Having multiple breakdowns that year, and...even on a couple of occassions I had to stop her from opening her wrists. I won't lie and say that fear over her self harm was the only reason I stuck around.Other reasons include my pride over " flying from the nest" I didn't want to return...and well...there was convience.

 

So I persued the girl, under the false premise that I had broken up with the girl I had been living with....this continued for about two months and then...troubles started happening at home. Well, not my home. My parents. They were having difficulties. So I became extremely busy, and the LD girl with the time difference factor. It became I case of only seeing her for like 10 mins a day. I thought that, it would be fairer if I just broke it off. Give me a chance to help my parents. About 4 days later, I found out that despite professing love to me, this girl slept with someone else. And yes I don't really have much of a ways to go on pointing the finger, even if my sex life with the one I lived with was non existant. At this period I decided that I would try it again with the one I lived with.

 

I was more energetic. Attempted to bring her outside, and away from the computer. To do something with me, even if it was just to watch a movie. What did I get? Nothing.

 

 

So, I decided to try again with the internet girl. We arranged a date for me to come over. Unfortunatly due to mass snow storms in Britian and my father being diagnosed with a quite distresssing illness. I was unable to make the trip. Things got worse with the girl I was living with. She became twitchy, irritable. Wheras before she wouldn't even kiss or cuddle me on the way out the door. Now even when she looked at me it felt as if I wasn't being looked at. But rather she was staring past me at the wall. So I decided I would go see internet girl for her birthday, that I would leave here. Go see her. Return to my parents, and end the farse of a relationship that I had been dragging on for fear and convience. Unfortunatly the lie about my location didn't last.

 

I spent two days unhindered with internet girl. It was wonderful. I won't really go into the details but suffice to say it was something I could have really gotten used to. Not just the intial feelings, I know all new couples have feelings like that which fade into normalisation over time. But just the fact that, once again I had someone who smiled. Who laughed when I joked. Who held my hand. Who actually spoke with me. And who I felt actually loved me. But it didn't last. New years day, the girl I lived with cracked my hotmail account and somehow hunted down the online girls parents number. Called them. Told them who she was. And well...so began everything.

 

They phoned her. She confronted me and....I paniced. So...I lied again. Said that she had never been happy with the break up. Playing the crazy ex card. But it was a flimsy play at best. Two days later the girl handed out my email password to everyone, having locked me out of it I could do nothing as everyone and everything read the emails I had been corrisponding with. Internet girl left me standing in a carpark. Sent me an email later telling me to find my own way to the airport and to leave her alone. Original girl just laughed at me.

 

Spoke to internet girl on the phone that night, I was emotional, wrecked. Stuttering as I spoke. Begging for forgiveness. But she had none to give. She felt as if she was a shameful secret...which is everything I didn't want her to be. Despite my assurances that my return ticket was to my parents. And that it was over with the other girl. And that I left her. My pleas fell on deaf ears. She was too angry to bother with hearing me out. Saw her later that night, she came to the hotel. Gave me my gloves and hat I'd left in her car. I reached out my hand to her. And she reached out her hand to me. She told me it was nice to have seen me. And then left. I was left with a spark of hope. Till the next day.

 

Woke up, and...since everyone had been in my account I found that somehow had managed to get into my flight controls. And had cancelled my flight booking for my return trip. I was distraught. Afraid. Alone. The original girl felt terrible now. She never meant for this to happen to me, I didn't have the cash to pay for a new ticket. She helped me how she could, and tried contacting the internet girl to see if she could come and help me.

 

However. She didn't. She had shut herself off. And didn't want to see me, even if I was in that horrible situation.

 

Good news is I did manage to get home. And after a long 7 hour flight, most of which was spent watching lord of the rings. I realised that...I was a terrible man to have thought anything like that would be easier. Ever since I got back...I've been taking steps to make myself better. To become the kind of man that internet girl intially deserved. Shes blocked me on msn, responded to an email I sent her. But I'm not going to push that. I still have her number, but again, not going to push even if I want to speak with her desprately.

 

In the end...I still love internet girl. Not sure how she feels about me. But in the time we spent together...I don't know. I just feel as if there is still something there. She was treated badly by men in the past and now there was me...breaking her trust. She knitted me a scarf for my birthday. Lovely thing. Wear it everyday when I go out. And keep it next to my bed when I sleep. Never been a man of god but...the other day I went to a church and lit a candle for both girls. Praying that...I hoped they had a fulfilling life, and found success in their endevors, regardless of my involvement.

 

The truth is I want internet girl back, I've spoken to a couple of her friends and they've told me it'll be a very rocky road. Particularly since she isn't talking to me right now. But...I don't want to give up hope. Any advice would be appreciated to this matter.

 

As for other people. Whats my advice to you? Its simple, honestly really is the best policy. I mean it REALLY is. Lies are, at best. A sanctuary made from a deck of cards. Eventually everythings going to crash around you. And it'll be far worse than it would have been otherwise. Whilst I've been on my road to " becoming a new guy" I've been sending out letters to those effected by my actions. Such as, friends...or the family of the original girlfriend, planning on doing them for internet girls parents too, but I don't wish to push it with them at least till the heat has died down a bit more.

 

I was an idiot. It may be too late for me to get internet girl back. I really hope it isn't. But let this serve as a reminder and warning. Don't do what I did. Be honest with the people around you. And yourself most of all.

[bl22]

This really is 1 crazy story. Couldnt help but keep being reminded of the film 'Being John Malkovich'

 

My advice is: Clearly you cant juggle 2 girls at the same time, in this you learn a valuble lesson and as hard as it may be, in the long run maybe its better to go NC with both of them before it gets really serious. Am i right in reading that...your girlfriend you lived with cheating on you, and you mention 'internet girl' went off and slept with someone else too?

 

Damn you dont need that. Internet girl telling you to leave your gf, persuing you whilst your taken, wrong. Move on and learn from this, I think you got hurt and confused then it all went abit crazy.

[confusiondancer]

Already broken it off with the girl I had been living with. Internet girl, well she pretty much finished it with me. I didn't really mean to juggle two girls but I suppose in the end thats the way it turned out on paper. And yeah, both girls did the nasty, but at the same time. I'm not really that great for doing this in the first place. Perhaps I should just go NC with both but. Honestly. I'm not really ready to give up on what I had with internet girl. But in the end it may be for the best.