BeautifulLife1218 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I know this is alot, so bear with me...before I even begin... I am well aware that sleeping with a man on the first night is never a go. BUT I went into my current sitation fresh out of a short term relationship with a level 5 "clinger" so to speak... I had broken up with him on a thursday and ran into my current "friend" that saturday. We were aquaintances for about 10 years or so, never close, but always had our eyes on eachother. (which we both admit) he got out of a divorce about 1 year ago, she left him. I was aware of this. He's my type, very sexy, and it was halloween. I went home with him not expecting anything but a one night stand. I told him that night that I was not looking for a relationship being i just got out of one and he said he wasn't looking for one either. Great night, mind blowing sex, next morning I pull a "coyote ugly" and disappear out of his bed and house without warning before he wakes up. To avoid looking like a complete ******* i sent him a facebook message w my number saying i had fun and i'd be up for it again. he texted me immediately, and so the relationship began. After the first few times we hung out, we talked for literally hours, had a great time, great sex, ect. I was myself around him, and didnt push him for anything because it was early, and i didnt care at that point...but being that I am an exclusive person, if I am sleeping with a man on a regular basis, i expect the same. we agreed to be exclusive, but "casual". i was fine with that. but as time went on, it began to bother me only hearing from him every two days, sometimes even more....(however, i always did, no matter where he was.. and he travels all over state for his job) I realized that I had feelings for this guy, and what we had wasn't enough for me. I wanted a commitment.. not a full fledged, serious "i want to shack up" boyfriend, but to at least know if i had some free time and wanted to go out to a movie, or just chill, he was my guy. I wanted to at least hear from him once a day, even if it was a text. now it's only been two months in total, and i guess what i am wondering is... is that too soon to require some sort of commitment in order for a guy to keep gettin the goods?? I never expected it to go this far, and I just don't feel comfortable not having at least some sort of affirmation. He has told me each time i've brought up commitment that he is "just not ready" and is a "mess from the divorce" (yeah, i know, major red flags, read the obvious, ect) but he has supposedly told a girlfriend of mine he is "looking for a girlfriend" however, i heard that through the grape vine and can't bank that it's true. he has continued to give me mixed signals. i rarely contact him first, i never initiate plans anymore, and i have told him i don't expect him to be my "boyfriend" but i need a step up from what he is giving me. If he can't do that, the deal is off. yet he still kept pursuing me, and i kept feeding into thinking maybe his mind is changing or will change if i am patient (think sex and the city Carrie and Mr. Bigg) he has told me he cares about me and really likes me.. and he honestly is a really fantastic man with a good heart. I broke it off with him a few weeks ago, and told him this is what i want, and if he cant do it we can be friends...he was great about it, and i thought it was over. but he kept contacting me every other day or so. (first) and last saturday we both had a few on new years and he ended up bringing me home. well, he tried to get intimate and i ended up telling him i couldnt do it, that it wasnt fair to me because he knows how i feel. He mentioned that we had an agreement, and i told him he knew very well that the agreement had changed. i have been honest with him about it all, and the more i am honest about my feelings, the more he pushes me away. now he has not contacted me since saturday, which is the longest he hasnt so far. I guess what i want to know is NOT what is going on, because I know what is going on. he and i have communicated things well. it's just that i want more than what i'm getting and i dont know if i pushed THINGS TOO SOON. Should i have waited it out longer before insisting on some kind of exclusive commitment...?? Even though we were/are?? intimitate, and frequently? He seemed so into me at first.. did this talk push him away because I MOVED TO QUICKLY? or simply because he JUST COULDNT handle it because he doesnt want it? Do I step back, see if he comes around.. and try and start over, pulling back my feelings a bit to give it time? Im not used to "Dating" for a long period before a guy commits. they usually want to right away. Did i move too fast? can i fix it if i have??? is it even worth it??? hmmm....please, honest advice, but no rude or condescending.. it's not helpful, and it's really annoying when i read posts where people don't take the questions seriously thanks!!!
ecm Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 hi. it sucks. I'm going through a similar situation right now. I put a thread up the other day about an online book I bought. "Dating Without Drama". So good! It'll help. It was like $25 or something. Definitely do not chase him or you'll chase him AWAY.
Jazzari Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I wish I had the answer! I'm trying to figure out when it is time to expect a commitment, myself. I agree that chasing him would be a bad idea. Best of luck!
Author BeautifulLife1218 Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 no. absolutely not. I never chase him. he always has chased me. in fact, it's the longest we havent spoken and I will not break down and contact him first. absolutely not. its just that when we finally DO hang out, I'm like... "alright buddy.. you've obviously putting forth some effort here, and i've given you several opportunities to get out of the situation you KNOW I want more from you... meet me halfway, or go away!!!" It's not like we havent already had this conversation before.. and he still came crawling back. however, this last time i expressed my distaste for the pictures random women post on his facebook page while he's away "working". oops. thing is, i'm not clingly whatsoever. i just feel like maybe i pushed too hard... maybe it's MY fault. but i also think that no woman should feel miserable because she is not "fullfilled" in the relationship she is in. thanks, i'll look into that book!!
Author BeautifulLife1218 Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 i'm on a dating advice site, not a writing competition seamless. if you can't give positive advice, find someone elses thread to post on
Seamless74 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 that is positive advice.. Your post is a nightmare to read and im sure improving your writing format would improve the number and quality of the responses you get... I'm quite sure if you think about it for a minute a mature young lady like yourself would agree.. no???
Author BeautifulLife1218 Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Yeah, I'm not looking for advice on my writing technique, which I actually am really good at. but I am a busy mom and just lookin for some RELATIONSHIP advice, so i typed that in quite a hurry!!! SO, if you have advice on my situation that would be great!
BannaBee57 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I suggest you move on and not speak to him. If he really wanted you he'd be jumping at the chance to step up and be with you. I was dragged along like this for 6 months with the "I'm not ready" business until it finally ended when he admited he could never get "there" with me. I invested too much emotion into it and got very hurt. I don't want to see you there. This isn't about you. It's his issue.
Seamless74 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 See thats the whole issue id love to give you advice... But I dont think i can reread your post because of how difficult it was the first time through..
Author BeautifulLife1218 Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Yeah, it does look kind of a mess.. ha! Oops! Oh, well, I'm sure there are plenty of other posts for you to spend your time on! Thanks Bee, that's great advice!
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