spice4life Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 HOAH, You need to try everything to get yourself out of this - this is slowly killing your soul. I feel your pain when I read your posts and it makes me very sad to see how used you feel. When I was trying to get out of my A: _ I made a list of all the mean things / things I didn't like about xMM and put it up on my wall, so that when i missed him, if I ever get the urge to call him, I'd just remind myself of what an a$$ he really is. - I deleted his number and any texts so that I wouldn't have it. - Most importantly: I needed to talk to a therapist about some past issues that the A brought up and after doing that, I got a better perspective on a lot of things and it gave me back the self worth / strength that I had before. - Now that I'm out of the A, I find myself actually thinking about his girlfriend (the mother of his children), before she was an abstract to me (I've never seen her, I never knew her, I felt bad for my part in the A), but she was still "abstract", now after everything, I find myself thinking about her, and it really makes me feel sorry for her and the life she has with this guy (even if she doesn't know all the stuff he's done before me and after me). Maybe if you do all these things you'll have a clear objective view of what's going on and you'll get the strength and just plain determination to not even want any of that stuff in your life. When I got out, I really was at the point where I was just disgusted with it all, and although I still had feelings for him, I had no respect for him or trust in him whatsoever. Getting out was the best thing I've EVER done. I'm soooooooooooooo much happier now, I'm really at peace with everything and I'm proud of myself, I feel confident, and the guy I'm seeing now is sooooooooo super sweet, and of course, he's single I hope you get something out of what I wrote here today. I really feel your anger/lonliness and pain in your posts and I would love for you to find a way out of all this, once and for all. All the best Excellent post tigercub! It is a very helpful post and hope it does help hoah. It has helped provide me with further validation that I'm moving in the right direction.
TigerCub Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Excellent post tigercub! It is a very helpful post and hope it does help hoah. It has helped provide me with further validation that I'm moving in the right direction. Thanks Spice. I'm glad to hear that its helping you Getting out of an A and reclaiming your strength and self confidence/dignity is always a move in the right direction
spice4life Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Thanks Spice. I'm glad to hear that its helping you Getting out of an A and reclaiming your strength and self confidence/dignity is always a move in the right direction Yes it is. Thanks again!
Author half_ofa_heart Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 I cannot thank you guys enough for all of your support. Couldn't sleep last night and eating has been difficult but I grabbed the kids and got "out of Dodge". We left town for some much needed solitude. MM has tried to call several times and I've ignored them all. I need this time to clear my head. I want to respond to all of you because each of you has provided me with great insight that I know I'll put to good use, but right now I'm in the mountains with little reception and typing a propper rersponse on my blackberry might make me go blind, so look forward to it soon and thanks a bunch
awkward Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 No slaps here. Enjoy your time away. When you get back, block him. Have your exit strategy firmly in place. You are in control of your life.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Got back into town after a weekend of reflection. I feel stronger than I have in the past but am still weary. I spoke to him this morning to get some closure for what is hopefully the last time. Since it hasn't been more than a week since breaking NC, this shouldn't be foreign to him. I told him that the only way to prevent any further pain and conflict is to end this once and for all. He tried the old "can we at least be friends?" for which I promptly told him no. Told him I needed to find the woman that I used to be; the woman who wouldn't stand for a man who would or could be with another woman. That was girl I remember fondly. Told him I didn't recognize the person I saw in the mirror and until I did, communication is impossible. So I guess I'm back at day 1 - for the hundreth time!!! Thank you all very much for the words of wisdom (and lashings) as they were and are very helpful. I am currently in search of a good therapist as it's more than obvious that I have some issues that need to be resolved.
flowergirl77 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 HOAH-You are only human, and are ding the best you can in this moment. Our situation is a bit different, but I have gotten a lot out of reading this thread and the responses to it. From what i can tell,form all I have read, A's cause nothing but agony for those involved and never amount to anything good! But it feels SOOOOO GOOOD when you are with the one who makes your heart skip a beat. I forgot what it was like to feel sexy, desirable,wanted,funny,excited until I met OM..I miss how I FELT around him..not so much "him" but he could always have me in stitches just in the things he would say...I liked his personality...but here I am still caught in the mess...I don't believe cold turkey NC works for everyone....I feel like I need to end this in my own way. It is almost like with each setback I have gotten a bit stronger and clearer in my thinking. I have read lots about how MM are just manipulating to get what they want out of an affair (sex) but I thought this guy was different, that he truly cared about ME-but he threw me under the bus by telling my HB I phoned him..now I feel I should contact him again to speak my mind. I am not sure I can let it go if I don't!! It is like we need lots of bad experiences with OP to convince ourselves that is is bad for us and to move away from it.So we keep going back for more until we have had enough. I hope you can find the strength to get out of this before it destroys what is left of your spirit and self esteem....you are not alone. I have never experienced anything so earth shattering in my life. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger in the end....so I hear.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 HOAH-You are only human, and are ding the best you can in this moment. Our situation is a bit different, but I have gotten a lot out of reading this thread and the responses to it. From what i can tell,form all I have read, A's cause nothing but agony for those involved and never amount to anything good! But it feels SOOOOO GOOOD when you are with the one who makes your heart skip a beat. I forgot what it was like to feel sexy, desirable,wanted,funny,excited until I met OM..I miss how I FELT around him..not so much "him" but he could always have me in stitches just in the things he would say...I liked his personality...but here I am still caught in the mess...I don't believe cold turkey NC works for everyone....I feel like I need to end this in my own way. It is almost like with each setback I have gotten a bit stronger and clearer in my thinking. I have read lots about how MM are just manipulating to get what they want out of an affair (sex) but I thought this guy was different, that he truly cared about ME-but he threw me under the bus by telling my HB I phoned him..now I feel I should contact him again to speak my mind. I am not sure I can let it go if I don't!! It is like we need lots of bad experiences with OP to convince ourselves that is is bad for us and to move away from it.So we keep going back for more until we have had enough. I hope you can find the strength to get out of this before it destroys what is left of your spirit and self esteem....you are not alone. I have never experienced anything so earth shattering in my life. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger in the end....so I hear. Oh Flowergirl... I do hear you! Some days I have thought it was going to kill me and I swear it has come close But low and behold I'm still here. The only time I felt it was all about the sex (for the MM) was on the weekends when I couldn't talk to him. During the week when we could talk and see each other, I have never felt more beautiful, sexy, loved, and smart. It is still hard to believe that its only the sex he wants. When they speak of the "fog" I think it pertains to the MM as well since they too are feeling some things they have never felt before and maybe it does include the sex but I can say the same thing; I can say that this was/is the best sex I've ever had but is it worth the pain I'm going thru???? Hell no! I still find it very hard to believe that it was your MM that actually made the phone call. Are you certain that your husband doesn't have a tracker on your phone? They are very easy to get. Either way, I do believe that staying away from MM is the best for you and for all involved. If you do end up leaving your H, you'll feel better in the end knowing that you left because you didn't want to be married to him any longer rather than leaving for another man. But only you and you alone can arrive at that decision. I wish you all the luck and hope for some happiness in your future. Heart
flowergirl77 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Oh Flowergirl... I do hear you! Some days I have thought it was going to kill me and I swear it has come close But low and behold I'm still here. The only time I felt it was all about the sex (for the MM) was on the weekends when I couldn't talk to him. During the week when we could talk and see each other, I have never felt more beautiful, sexy, loved, and smart. It is still hard to believe that its only the sex he wants. When they speak of the "fog" I think it pertains to the MM as well since they too are feeling some things they have never felt before and maybe it does include the sex but I can say the same thing; I can say that this was/is the best sex I've ever had but is it worth the pain I'm going thru???? Hell no! I still find it very hard to believe that it was your MM that actually made the phone call. Are you certain that your husband doesn't have a tracker on your phone? They are very easy to get. Either way, I do believe that staying away from MM is the best for you and for all involved. If you do end up leaving your H, you'll feel better in the end knowing that you left because you didn't want to be married to him any longer rather than leaving for another man. But only you and you alone can arrive at that decision. I wish you all the luck and hope for some happiness in your future. Heart I still find it very hard to believe that it was your MM that actually made the phone call. It was a Facebook message with no picture and a made up name meant to be anonymous. I made the call to OM on a phone booth bc I know HB can easily track calls made on my cell. I feel like I really need to know why he did that..he doesn't gain anything from it. Maybe he didn't think I would know it was him, and I would get kicked out and run to him. Dunno.
lostandhopeful Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I still find it very hard to believe that it was your MM that actually made the phone call. It was a Facebook message with no picture and a made up name meant to be anonymous. I made the call to OM on a phone booth bc I know HB can easily track calls made on my cell. I feel like I really need to know why he did that..he doesn't gain anything from it. Maybe he didn't think I would know it was him, and I would get kicked out and run to him. Dunno. Hi FG77, Be careful with this. The OM has no reason to be truthful with you and will continue to manipulate you. I know from experience having been there. When I was involved in an EA the OM contacted my father to tell him what was going on, acting as an anonymous friend once I really cut it off. I believe he was trying to manipulate my husband. Even if you do call him, please DO NOT for your own good, he will likely deny it. If he admitted it, it would only look bad on him. Boy oh boy, flower, you are floundering in the fog. DO NOT contact the OM as it will be poison to you, nothing more.
flowergirl77 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Thanks for the advice...sorry for hijacking your thread HOAH I'll go back to my own corner now
Author half_ofa_heart Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Thanks for the advice...sorry for hijacking your thread HOAH I'll go back to my own corner now No worries FG77! I am pretty much done with mine anyways
PlanetJanet Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 What an enjoyable thread! I am sad to say that it applies to my situation as well. I've had an on-again off-again A since late 2008. My MM would come on strong, and get very emotional and intimate with me. But as soon as it got too emotionally intense, or he began to feel guilty, he would bolt. Our longest period of NC was April-October, 2010. I remember waking up one morning in October, stretching and thinking "today is the first day I think I can get through a whole day without missing him" And that morning there was a voicemail from him at my office. Needless to say he came back, I let him after a little tentative circling. So yes, much of this is my fault. Last week he sent me an email that said "I have to say goodbye forever" which is something he has never said. We have texted about it, and he said that he has to leave because it's too hard for him to have such strong feelings for two people. I asked why he is dumping me and not his wife - (duh!) he said because they have a child and are married, and have to much in common, and he loves her. Although he loves me too, we have less time together. My first response to his email was a scathing, angry, F--- you message that I ended up not sending. I told him that I would not accept his blow off by email, and he has to do it in person. We are supposed to meet tomorrow. He has done this before, come and gone and come and gone. I realized that the thing that hurts me the most IS the coming and going. I want the roller coaster to end. I want to stop being in this dead end, WRONG relationship. How do I make sure that tomorrow I say and do the right thing to keep him out of my life? Because I know if i even leave a crack of the door open, he will come back. I have been so weak in the past, letting him back because I loved the way he made me feel. I am not sure I trust myself even now, but I need this to end. Any suggestions?
Author half_ofa_heart Posted January 19, 2011 Author Posted January 19, 2011 What an enjoyable thread! I am sad to say that it applies to my situation as well. I've had an on-again off-again A since late 2008. My MM would come on strong, and get very emotional and intimate with me. But as soon as it got too emotionally intense, or he began to feel guilty, he would bolt. Our longest period of NC was April-October, 2010. I remember waking up one morning in October, stretching and thinking "today is the first day I think I can get through a whole day without missing him" And that morning there was a voicemail from him at my office. Needless to say he came back, I let him after a little tentative circling. So yes, much of this is my fault. Last week he sent me an email that said "I have to say goodbye forever" which is something he has never said. We have texted about it, and he said that he has to leave because it's too hard for him to have such strong feelings for two people. I asked why he is dumping me and not his wife - (duh!) he said because they have a child and are married, and have to much in common, and he loves her. Although he loves me too, we have less time together. My first response to his email was a scathing, angry, F--- you message that I ended up not sending. I told him that I would not accept his blow off by email, and he has to do it in person. We are supposed to meet tomorrow. He has done this before, come and gone and come and gone. I realized that the thing that hurts me the most IS the coming and going. I want the roller coaster to end. I want to stop being in this dead end, WRONG relationship. How do I make sure that tomorrow I say and do the right thing to keep him out of my life? Because I know if i even leave a crack of the door open, he will come back. I have been so weak in the past, letting him back because I loved the way he made me feel. I am not sure I trust myself even now, but I need this to end. Any suggestions? Not sure if I am the right person to answer because I too have not been able to do it but what I have been told by all MEN is you have to be angry. Dig deep and think about all the horrible things he has done and in my opinion... this last time - draggin you bag into it after 6 months NC - only to dump you again... that should be enough to dredge up some anger. Anyway, the men that I have spoken to say that youhave to be angry and tell him to stay the F*** out of your life and that if he tries to contact you again, his wife will know about it. I personally have not been able to be angry enough at him and only at myself so I wish you all the luck in the world. Remember... dig deep and find that anger.
PlanetJanet Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I personally have not been able to be angry enough at him and only at myself so I wish you all the luck in the world. Remember... dig deep and find that anger. That is my exact problem. I cannot muster up the anger. Last night I was at my therapist's office talking about this, she reminded me of how he has come and gone without regard for my feelings. hurt me over and over. And I was so indignant, I was determined to stand up to him and tell him that *I* am ending the relationship now. He has driven me crazy with his coming and going. He has driven me to the point where I have to do something to protect myself, and that "something" is the promise that if I ever hear from him again, his wife will hear from me. That was last night. Today was just feeling sad and low. No more anger and indignation. I can even hear myself trying to rationalize ways to NOT cut him off 100%, like saying that if something happens and he really NEEDS me, he can contact me. But that is not good. I need to stop having any contact but do not trust myself to keep him away. I wrote his wife a letter but obviously have not sent it. Part of me wants her to know the truth about what he has done. Part of me thinks that the letter will "force" some discussion, maybe change, in their household. Of course that change would benefit ME, in my crazy scenario. But after reading all the great posts on this board, I know that there is almost no chance that anything good will happen for me. He needs to go, and I will cannot give him the time of day unless he is coming back as an divorced man. Sigh.
smilesalot1 Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 I have only myself to blame for my current emotions. I am not strong enough to fight for what's right nor what I need therefore I wallow in the land of misery. I am fooled by the beautiful scenery and mesmerized by the sounds going in but once in the heart of it is when I realize I'm back in hell. Like it says in the song Hotel California "you can check out but can never leave." What is it gonna take to get out of this hell? Is there a 12-step program out there?? 2 years ago I would never have believed that I could be in an affair much less to weak to get out of it. Here is the latest to explain the current confusion (as if it was one thing in particular)... my MM was beyond persistant when I tried to end it even after blocking him. He heard about my Father's condition and called me from a phone that was NOT blocked and I was so emotional that I didn't have the strength to hang up. We talked and stupidly I agreed to meet him. That was NYE; Needless to say, it didn't take long for us to get right back into it. He took the day off today to spend it with me but as usual, I feel like such a used piece of trash when he leaves. There is nothing special about how I feel right now. I just contacted him to let him know that I'm feeling kinda down because its hard for me when he leaves. His response "I'm sorry, so sorry. You'll feel better after the weekend and get recharged." WTF????? Being alone has got to be better than this. I'm starting to see a LOT of things about him that I really don't like. I'm really starting to notice just how selfish he really is. Was any of this ever about me??? Did he really want to just comfort "me"???? Cuz right now, I'm not feeling the love. Go ahead, give it to me, I need some good virtual slaps and now is a GOOD time to do it. I'm a fool! A very stupid FOOL and I need to snap the hell out of this fog cuz what I thought was the Garden of Eden has turned out to be the Field of Despair. You know the answer. RECHARGE ??? I'm like you WTF??? Sit home and rest up while he is playing Daddy and Husband to be in a feild of lies on the weekends. Rest up so he can tear you down emotionally next week so you can be his away from home work entertainment. I usually blast people like you, but I kinda know how you must feel because you see somethings most don't and can't seem to leave ( and I am that way over a particular situation right now )... that's why I'm taking it easy on ya. Move on and Recharge for Mr. Wright. AND FIND ANOTHER JOB!!!
Ladyblue Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) I agree about finding your anger. For me, it was finding anger. Being promised the moon, while being given nothing but meaningless words. It took blaming him for my lonely life --- because HE (mm) always made ME (single) promise I would never leave him or be unfaithful to him. I still seethe with anger when I think of it. It took me nearly three years (EA) to get to this point. But gradually I got more and more tired of being alone, and more and more pissed that if all he said was true, why was I sitting here, alone. His kids were grown and live far away, his wife in a LT PA, and he and I had been "in love" since we were kids. So what the h€ll was stopping him, ya know? The last thing he wrote me, almost 2 1/2 months ago, was "I love you so much, and I need you so much. Please love me." Well, ok, you know, I DID love him. Deeply, unselfishly. Faithfully. Persistently. No matter what. And ... what was he giving in return? Phone calls, text messages, words. Well, I just got really fed up loving so intensely, and hugging my cell phone to sleep, while he and his wife continued to share a home, a bank account, a life, a future. They may have not had the best relationship for sure. But when he was sick, or her car broke down, they still had each other. And I had ... drum roll please ... text messages. When I had to be out in a particularly dangerous situation in the middle of the night - alone - he was texting me "please be careful." I wanted to text back, "Oh, thanks, now I feel better, and I'm sure I'm safer, too. Your text message will help me and protect me. NOT!!!!!" Instead of being by my side in that dangerous situation, he was enjoying the comfort of his home and wife. Over the years, it got to the point all I could think was, if he really loved me, he would be here with me. He would not want me to be alone, year after year, waiting for him. He just began to appear incredibly selfish to me. No real concern for the emotional pain he put me through. Certainly not enough concern to do anything about it. Sometimes it almost seemed like he was getting some kind of revenge against me, by asking me to love him, and to wait for him, when he was never going to be with me. I finally, basically, told him to $h*t or get off the pot. His response I typed above. And then silence. I believe I am angry enough that if he calls again, I would not succumb. The torment was just too much. I was thinking about it a few days ago. If he showed up with finalized divorce papers in his hand, I don't think I would even then consider a relationship with him. How could he "love" me and ask me to wait for him, for so long, KNOWINGLY putting me through so much pain? I wish you, and the other posters here, healthy anger. May you take offense, and not forget it any time soon. Edited January 19, 2011 by Ladyblue
PlanetJanet Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 But gradually I got more and more tired of being alone, and more and more pissed that if all he said was true, why was I sitting here, alone. I heartily agree with this feeling, I didn't even mind being alone on some levels because I have kids and activities, but it did sting around holidays when he would disappear for a few weeks because he "loves Christmas" and had to sit around with his family. Just pointed out to me that *I* was so much LESS THAN they were. I DID love him. Deeply, unselfishly. Faithfully. Persistently. No matter what. And ... what was he giving in return? Phone calls, text messages, words. Well, I just got really fed up loving so intensely, and hugging my cell phone to sleep, while he and his wife continued to share a home, a bank account, a life, a future. Ditto! No real concern for the emotional pain he put me through. Amusingly part of the reason my guy is calling it quits is that he feels guilty about hurting me. He knows he hurts me and it makes him feel bad and he disappears. last time for about 6 months. But he always came back, starved emotionally and physically at home. I guess I am good enough to refill his heart but not to really HAVE IT. I finally, basically, told him to $h*t or get off the pot. His response I typed above. His response tell you "It's all about me and what I need. to hell with you and your feelings. ME ME ME." Only two weeks ago my guy texted that he wished he could have a life with me. Last week it was "I cannot go on having such strong feelings for two people." I know everyone says that telling the BS is not a good idea but when you hear crap like that, contradictions and maybe lies, you want to call the liar out - make them accountable to someone - ANYONE for the way they stroll through lives, wreaking havoc. Tonight is supposed to be the big night when we break it off. I am pretty sure he will show up. I wish I could find the anger again. I will spend much of today trying to dig in and find it. Maybe a splash of righteous indignation will do if I cannot find anger. I have to find something that will make him look like what he is - a liar and a cheater and a manipulator - in my eyes. For so long I just told myself and everyone else, oh he doesn't mean to hurt me, he is just muddled and conflicted, the decision on what to do is hard for him. NO IT'S NOT. His decision all along has been to play with me when it was convenient and run home when it got messy. All along him having the security of his wife and family. Ugh I am getting sick to my stomach.
Ladyblue Posted January 19, 2011 Posted January 19, 2011 (edited) Only two weeks ago my guy texted that he wished he could have a life with me. Last week it was "I cannot go on having such strong feelings for two people." I know everyone says that telling the BS is not a good idea but when you hear crap like that, contradictions and maybe lies, you want to call the liar out - make them accountable to someone - ANYONE for the way they stroll through lives, wreaking havoc. Tonight is supposed to be the big night when we break it off. I am pretty sure he will show up. I wish I could find the anger again. I will spend much of today trying to dig in and find it. Maybe a splash of righteous indignation will do if I cannot find anger. I have to find something that will make him look like what he is - a liar and a cheater and a manipulator - in my eyes. For so long I just told myself and everyone else, oh he doesn't mean to hurt me, he is just muddled and conflicted, the decision on what to do is hard for him. NO IT'S NOT. His decision all along has been to play with me when it was convenient and run home when it got messy. All along him having the security of his wife and family. Ugh I am getting sick to my stomach. Hold on to the bolded. Remember how he treats you as "less than." Hold on to the sick in your stomach. It is your body's way of telling you he is shoving stuff down your throat that you cannot digest. That the relationship is sickening you, even physically. Remember that YOU DESERVE BETTER. And if he cannot treat you better, you are better off without him! Would it be possible for you and he to have your meeting with your therapist present? I thought that last night when I was reading about it. Your therapist could maybe help guide the two of you to a healthy resolution, if you feel uncertain whether you can do it yourself. I do know this, whether to igut or not, sooner rather than later, you will be ending it with him. The end is near, now that you are to this point of thinking,you can't go on much longer with him. I guess the only questions now are exactly when you will end it, and how much more pain you will take before you do. Good luck for your meeting, and let us know how it goes. I will be generating plenty of angry vibes and righteous indignation to send you. (((hugs))) Edited January 19, 2011 by Ladyblue
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