half_ofa_heart Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I have only myself to blame for my current emotions. I am not strong enough to fight for what's right nor what I need therefore I wallow in the land of misery. I am fooled by the beautiful scenery and mesmerized by the sounds going in but once in the heart of it is when I realize I'm back in hell. Like it says in the song Hotel California "you can check out but can never leave." What is it gonna take to get out of this hell? Is there a 12-step program out there?? 2 years ago I would never have believed that I could be in an affair much less to weak to get out of it. Here is the latest to explain the current confusion (as if it was one thing in particular)... my MM was beyond persistant when I tried to end it even after blocking him. He heard about my Father's condition and called me from a phone that was NOT blocked and I was so emotional that I didn't have the strength to hang up. We talked and stupidly I agreed to meet him. That was NYE; Needless to say, it didn't take long for us to get right back into it. He took the day off today to spend it with me but as usual, I feel like such a used piece of trash when he leaves. There is nothing special about how I feel right now. I just contacted him to let him know that I'm feeling kinda down because its hard for me when he leaves. His response "I'm sorry, so sorry. You'll feel better after the weekend and get recharged." WTF????? Being alone has got to be better than this. I'm starting to see a LOT of things about him that I really don't like. I'm really starting to notice just how selfish he really is. Was any of this ever about me??? Did he really want to just comfort "me"???? Cuz right now, I'm not feeling the love. Go ahead, give it to me, I need some good virtual slaps and now is a GOOD time to do it. I'm a fool! A very stupid FOOL and I need to snap the hell out of this fog cuz what I thought was the Garden of Eden has turned out to be the Field of Despair.
OpenBook Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Yeah, well, get in line - behind me! Time to take that "Half-of-a-heart" back from him. It belongs to you, and he clearly has no business owning it.
BenThereDunThat Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 One of the things that helped me was knowing that if I were (god forbid) ever seriously hurt or ill or in any trouble his so-called "deep love" for me would fly right out the window. If a family member became ill, could he be there for me? No ma'am. He could SAY whatever he wanted, but if he's going to have to find time and finagle things around, he's not going to do it for anything he won't get anything out of in return. I've had some good relationships in my life, some not so good relationships too. But no matter what, if any of the above were to happen, I was never with anyone I couldn't count on to be there for me. And vice versa. I just kept pounding that into my head. My affair did not last very long at all but the residual hurt and anger lasted a long time and that's how I got through it. You'll get there.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 One of the things that helped me was knowing that if I were (god forbid) ever seriously hurt or ill or in any trouble his so-called "deep love" for me would fly right out the window. If a family member became ill, could he be there for me? No ma'am. He could SAY whatever he wanted, but if he's going to have to find time and finagle things around, he's not going to do it for anything he won't get anything out of in return. I've had some good relationships in my life, some not so good relationships too. But no matter what, if any of the above were to happen, I was never with anyone I couldn't count on to be there for me. And vice versa. I just kept pounding that into my head. My affair did not last very long at all but the residual hurt and anger lasted a long time and that's how I got through it. You'll get there. Thank you! I sure hope so.
greengoddess Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I have only myself to blame for my current emotions. I am not strong enough to fight for what's right nor what I need therefore I wallow in the land of misery. I am fooled by the beautiful scenery and mesmerized by the sounds going in but once in the heart of it is when I realize I'm back in hell. Like it says in the song Hotel California "you can check out but can never leave." What is it gonna take to get out of this hell? Is there a 12-step program out there?? 2 years ago I would never have believed that I could be in an affair much less to weak to get out of it. Here is the latest to explain the current confusion (as if it was one thing in particular)... my MM was beyond persistant when I tried to end it even after blocking him. He heard about my Father's condition and called me from a phone that was NOT blocked and I was so emotional that I didn't have the strength to hang up. We talked and stupidly I agreed to meet him. That was NYE; Needless to say, it didn't take long for us to get right back into it. He took the day off today to spend it with me but as usual, I feel like such a used piece of trash when he leaves. There is nothing special about how I feel right now. I just contacted him to let him know that I'm feeling kinda down because its hard for me when he leaves. His response "I'm sorry, so sorry. You'll feel better after the weekend and get recharged." WTF????? Being alone has got to be better than this. I'm starting to see a LOT of things about him that I really don't like. I'm really starting to notice just how selfish he really is. Was any of this ever about me??? Did he really want to just comfort "me"???? Cuz right now, I'm not feeling the love. Go ahead, give it to me, I need some good virtual slaps and now is a GOOD time to do it. I'm a fool! A very stupid FOOL and I need to snap the hell out of this fog cuz what I thought was the Garden of Eden has turned out to be the Field of Despair. That is key. To realize how selfish he is being. He has you. He has his wife. What do you and his wife have? Neither of you have the whole man while he has 2 women and is slowly damaging both of them. It is pure selfishness. Realize this and you can move on. You will not just have part of him. You will have all or nothing.
YellowShark Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Go ahead, give it to me, I need some good virtual slaps and now is a GOOD time to do it. Ok. I'll bite. What does it feel like to be a free hooker for a MM? He comes to you, you guys do "your business" then he goes home to his wife and you are discarded like a used kleenex until next time. I often wonder this aspect of being the OW.
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 The only control you have is to walk away and do your best to ignore him, not let him suck you back into his selfishness and his huge bloody ego. He thinks you're "there" for him, anytime, any place and willing. Yuck!! You deserve better and more, though you won't get that from him..Ever. I hope you're really getting closer to your enough is enough stage. I want to see you work through this, let yourself really grieve and let go of him so you CAN find that love you sooo deserve! Your MM is the fool. Don't beat yourself up!! Get angry, punch your pillow and burn a picture of him. No, flush it down the toilet like he's a piece of crap..
Heather1 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Just remember how painful that is, keep wallowing!! Put yourself in max pain & then when you get a booty call, remember the pain & TURN HIM DOWN!! Then you'll see what you really have w/ him.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 The only control you have is to walk away and do your best to ignore him, not let him suck you back into his selfishness and his huge bloody ego. He thinks you're "there" for him, anytime, any place and willing. Yuck!! You deserve better and more, though you won't get that from him..Ever. I hope you're really getting closer to your enough is enough stage. I want to see you work through this, let yourself really grieve and let go of him so you CAN find that love you sooo deserve! Your MM is the fool. Don't beat yourself up!! Get angry, punch your pillow and burn a picture of him. No, flush it down the toilet like he's a piece of crap.. It's hard to be mad when you got me laughing !!! Right now, I hate him! He knows it and has tried calling me twice for which I ignored. deleted his VM's too. HATE HATE HATE!
greengoddess Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 It's hard to be mad when you got me laughing !!! Right now, I hate him! He knows it and has tried calling me twice for which I ignored. deleted his VM's too. HATE HATE HATE! hmmm another way of getting out that hatred and getting rid of him for good would be to tell his wife.
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 It's hard to be mad when you got me laughing !!! Right now, I hate him! He knows it and has tried calling me twice for which I ignored. deleted his VM's too. HATE HATE HATE! That was my point exactly, to make you laugh! Good for you, keep deleting him. And keep hating him.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 As if I didn't feel bad enough as it is... Looking at my FB guess what pops up????? Post from his wife to HIM "Love you with all my heart" Doesn't that sound like a wife who can't stand her husband????? What a stupid idot I am!
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 As if I didn't feel bad enough as it is... Looking at my FB guess what pops up????? Post from his wife to HIM "Love you with all my heart" Doesn't that sound like a wife who can't stand her husband????? What a stupid idot I am! Time to delete him off your facebook. You are right, which means he's lied to you.
BB07 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Time to take that "Half-of-a-heart" back from him. It belongs to you, and he clearly has no business owning it. Loved the above........ Time to do just that! You aren't a fool, you are just behaving in a foolish way, now stop it. Stop letting him have this much control over you, stop feeding the pain and damn it, block him on f/b. Stop torturing yourself with stuff like that. He ain't no prize!
Author half_ofa_heart Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Loved the above........ Time to do just that! You aren't a fool, you are just behaving in a foolish way, now stop it. Stop letting him have this much control over you, stop feeding the pain and damn it, block him on f/b. Stop torturing yourself with stuff like that. He ain't no prize! Originally when I had blocked him from everything, I didn't do FB because I didn't want to alert his W about anything. Didn't want her to suspect anything. I dont want to tell her because I don't want to hurt her or their children any more than I already have. I just need to end this damn A once and for all. Put it and him in my rear view mirror.
bentnotbroken Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Ever heard the term road kill? The only question should be....is that you or him? Who's doing the driving in your life?
BB07 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Originally when I had blocked him from everything, I didn't do FB because I didn't want to alert his W about anything. Didn't want her to suspect anything. I dont want to tell her because I don't want to hurt her or their children any more than I already have. I just need to end this damn A once and for all. Put it and him in my rear view mirror. Yes you do.......but you've got to do what you've got to do in order to get to that point. Did you know that if you block both of them on fb, they will not be able to see anything at all about you? No posts of yours will appear on mutual friends walls........it will just be as if you have disappeared from f/b. Also there isn't any way for either one of them to know that you have blocked them, well there isn't any message saying so, but they could ask mutual friends, but it would only be a guess, not a fact.
Author half_ofa_heart Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 (edited) Yes you do.......but you've got to do what you've got to do in order to get to that point. Did you know that if you block both of them on fb, they will not be able to see anything at all about you? No posts of yours will appear on mutual friends walls........it will just be as if you have disappeared from f/b. Also there isn't any way for either one of them to know that you have blocked them, well there isn't any message saying so, but they could ask mutual friends, but it would only be a guess, not a fact. I did NOT know that! I found an interesting website about being attracted to "unavailable" men. Very interesting! I have found a pattern. Although this is the first affair I've ever been in, I have a history of men who were emotionally unavailable. It also guides you thru steps to correct this. Not sure if I can do this but here is site: http://naughtygirl.typepad.com/mrunavailable/2006/09/why_be_emotiona.html Here is another quote from another website of the same category that really hits home: " No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love. It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns - recreate my wounding. " Hope it helps all the OW on LS. Edited January 8, 2011 by half_ofa_heart
pureinheart Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Hi HOAH, Well, I am really sorry you are going through this...I guess your thread is the appropriate time to post this paragraph from the current book I'm reading, "The Emotionally Destructive Relationship": "Tyrants and Narcissists" Be careful around people who have proud hearts. They can be quite charming, and make you feel like you are at the center of their world. Don't be fooled. You are placed in the center of that world for one reason: to meet their felt needs. We can tell this because their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, ways of doing things, perspectives always come first, and people in their lives are objects, not companions who have their own feelings, needs, desires and wants. The proud expect you to do what they say, their way, all of the time. If you fail or refuse, the proud will punish you or resort to threats or force in order to gain power and control over you. Granted, MM may use manipulation a bit different than this paragragh suggests, although it is manipulation. I don't think you need a blast, I think you need encouragement!
pureinheart Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I did NOT know that! I found an interesting website about being attracted to "unavailable" men. Very interesting! I have found a pattern. Although this is the first affair I've ever been in, I have a history of men who were emotionally unavailable. It also guides you thru steps to correct this. Not sure if I can do this but here is site: http://naughtygirl.typepad.com/mrunavailable/2006/09/why_be_emotiona.html Here is another quote from another website of the same category that really hits home: " No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love. It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns - recreate my wounding. " Hope it helps all the OW on LS. Wow, this is cool, I was going to start a thread on emotionally unavailable people....I'm tired of hit and run drive by emotionally unavailable *&*^^%%$$$!!!!!!
thissecretgirl Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 *hugs* HoaH Sorry you are having a rough time. I empathise as I know exactly how you are feeling; I too felt too weak to end it too. Then one day, I didnt. I think thats how it works. You will be able to do it when you are ready and noone, probably not even you will know at what point or moment in time that will be until you reach it; but it will come. I reckon that there's almost a preparation that goes on subconscously. When you finally reach it, will be when you are strong enough to see it through. I just wanted to say its so much better on the other side. Its crappy getting here, but its a much better place to be. I loved my xmm with every inch of my being, but I feel much more peaceful now its over. In all honesty just never having to experience that feeling I got everytime he walked out the door, ever again, is worth it. It used to tear me apart every time. It was such a huge feeling of loss, it would leave me reeling. He says he is sorry. Unfortunately hoah, like my exmm, if he was that sorry he would put a stop to having to say it. He would plan to stay and not leave again. Please dont give yourself a hard time and push yourself too much. What you are going through is hard enough as it is. It sounds as though you will reach your own particular tipping point very soon anyway.
spice4life Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I did NOT know that! I found an interesting website about being attracted to "unavailable" men. Very interesting! I have found a pattern. Although this is the first affair I've ever been in, I have a history of men who were emotionally unavailable. It also guides you thru steps to correct this. I've had the same history and often wonder if getting involved in an A was actually me finally hitting the rock bottom of emotionally unavailable men. Kind of like, the Universe keeps sending messages and if you don't listen, the messages only get bigger aka the MM being the grand poobah (sp?) of emotionally unavailable men. The Universe is saying, "hey, if you don't look inside to find the reason you attract these men then WE WILL KEEP SENDING THEM! And each one is going to be MORE emotionally unavailable than the previous until you FINALLY get it!" I FINALLY got into therapy because I wanted to figure out once and for all what was ailing me. It's working for sure. As each day passes, the thought of being involved with these type of men turns me off more and more. I feel like I am finally getting there and it feels great.
Woman In Blue Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I did NOT know that! So now that you DO know that you can block this asshat and his wife on Facebook and they won't receive any notification that you've done so, are you GOING to actually block them? Or are you going to continue making sure you're right in the center of the drama because you can't let go of this loser? Alex, I'll take $1,000 on "Ways OW Continue to Cling to Married Men Who Clearly See Them as Nothing More Than a Piece of Ass."
merlin2 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I really feel for you.I see so many women on here tortured emotionally by these narcissistic men.It's like a drug,and maybe there should be a programme like AA for people who get entangled in the clutches of these predators.For that's what they are.Predators. what gets you hooked is the charm,the attention they give you,the way they make you feel.They sense when you're at your most vulnerable and go in for the kill.YOUR feelings are real,THEY are only serving their own needs.A part of you doesnt want to believe that,he was so convincing..etc etc..but look at the evidence.Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words and deep down you know this.But by then you're addicted to the way he made you feel. It wont be easy,but you're on the first rung of the ladder by wanting to eradicate him from your life.Dont feel bad about your first relapse,it'll take some time before your withdrawal symptoms fade completely. Going cold turkey isnt possible for most people. Think of him like an addictive drug. You'll go crazy ,lose sleep,be agitated and be tortured for a while. Basically you have to be withdrawn from this drug gradually,and as your mind becomes accustomed to being without him,you'll begin to see the reality of the situation more and more,you'll crave him less and less. Just remember,if you ride the wave,a year from now you'll be free and at peace,and wonder what the hell got you into it in the first place. You're worth more than this.There are millions of single guys out there capable of giving you what you deserve.Why waste your time and emotions on someone who's depriving you of that because they want to 'have their cake and eat it'? Every minute you spend on him is wasted time,so free your emotions for someone more deserving.
TigerCub Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 HOAH, You need to try everything to get yourself out of this - this is slowly killing your soul. I feel your pain when I read your posts and it makes me very sad to see how used you feel. When I was trying to get out of my A: _ I made a list of all the mean things / things I didn't like about xMM and put it up on my wall, so that when i missed him, if I ever get the urge to call him, I'd just remind myself of what an a$$ he really is. - I deleted his number and any texts so that I wouldn't have it. - Most importantly: I needed to talk to a therapist about some past issues that the A brought up and after doing that, I got a better perspective on a lot of things and it gave me back the self worth / strength that I had before. - Now that I'm out of the A, I find myself actually thinking about his girlfriend (the mother of his children), before she was an abstract to me (I've never seen her, I never knew her, I felt bad for my part in the A), but she was still "abstract", now after everything, I find myself thinking about her, and it really makes me feel sorry for her and the life she has with this guy (even if she doesn't know all the stuff he's done before me and after me). Maybe if you do all these things you'll have a clear objective view of what's going on and you'll get the strength and just plain determination to not even want any of that stuff in your life. When I got out, I really was at the point where I was just disgusted with it all, and although I still had feelings for him, I had no respect for him or trust in him whatsoever. Getting out was the best thing I've EVER done. I'm soooooooooooooo much happier now, I'm really at peace with everything and I'm proud of myself, I feel confident, and the guy I'm seeing now is sooooooooo super sweet, and of course, he's single I hope you get something out of what I wrote here today. I really feel your anger/lonliness and pain in your posts and I would love for you to find a way out of all this, once and for all. All the best
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