Jdw_Icequeen Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Most people will say its a horrible idea to be friends with your ex wether your the dumper or dumpee.. I found this site and find all this to be very true. I don't think when an ex offers friendship that there reason is innocent... "So my question do you think when an ex offer friendship they are being genuine or do you think there is a motive?" Here are some motives listed below and I find none of them a good reason to remain friends with your ex accept the getting back together. Which in that case never let them string you along.. By making sure that is what they truly want.. Which most of the time isn't the case.. To make sure you identify the real reason, be very honest about your ex – what type of person they are. Is it really possible your ex still cares for you, are they possibly vengeful and spiteful, or is your ex stringing you along? One of the more harmless reasons why an ex wants to be friends is they think it is a kinder, gentler way to end your relationship. They have had a hard time deciding to break up and an even harder time doing it. They feel guilty about hurting you and want to do what they can to make you feel good about yourself. In practice, being downgraded from lover to friend – “You’re a great person and I’d like to stay friends” – can be more of an insult than a comfort. Another possibility is that your ex wants to be friends because it makes life easier. You still mix with the same people, hang out at the same places, and so on. They don’t want you to cramp their style by getting get jealous, angry or creating a scene. In other words, by asking you to be friends your ex is basically asking you to guarantee you’ll “act nice.” That way they won’t have to hide out and miss out on the action. It’s possible your ex wants to be friends because they still love you. If it has been a while since you broke up you may be thinking quite the opposite – that wanting to be friends is a sign they have finally accepted the break up. Don’t be fooled. It’s more likely a sign they want you back. Remember, it can take time for a hurt and angry ex who still loves you to realize they need some kind of contact – such as being friends – to have a chance of winning you back. If your ex ended the relationship, they may want to be friends to keep their options open. They want to try life without you but keep you “on ice” as a back up option if it doesn’t work out. One of the biggest dangers is that they don’t necessarily intend to get back together. They may only be interested in stringing you along for sex. Either way, this brand of “friendship” will usually include a healthy dose of flirtation designed to keep you interested and available. Sometimes an ex wants to be friends to keep tabs on you. They don’t want you anymore but they’re not happy with the idea of you being with someone else. This is not because they still care but because they are vain, selfish and controlling, and afraid of looking a fool if you quickly meet someone new and better than them. As “your friend,” they can be where you are and perhaps say or do things behind your back to spoil your chances with someone new
Buzzkillington Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Interesting post, in my case through being told things by her I basically found out that It was the first reason, and I have a feeling that this might be the most common reason. What about other people?
HeavenOrHell Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 We both wanted to stay friends because we never stopped loving each other as friends, we were together 18 years and were still compatible as close friends, just not partners. To begin with I wanted him back, but in time we both moved on and are now with other partners and remain good friends, we always will be.
Author Jdw_Icequeen Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 We both wanted to stay friends because we never stopped loving each other as friends, we were together 18 years and were still compatible as close friends, just not partners. To begin with I wanted him back, but in time we both moved on and are now with other partners and remain good friends, we always will be. Thats great to hear heaven.. However not only is 18 yr relationships these days very uncommon but unlikley.. Its very sad. After that much time together its great that you could remain friends.. The way I see it our partners left us mainly because they didn't like us in one way or another.. I started this post because my ex has been bringing up the frienship offer way to often. Not in the sense well lets be friendly and chat but like hang out and actually do things together.. Even though we have a son together, I see no reason to remain "friends" in this sense at all.. Being civil is what I see the best option being.. Most cases when ex's do make the promise of "friendship".. What happens is that usually is a minimum then drops to a nothing. I beleive the biggest reason they do offer friendship is the guilt trigger.. Letting you down gently and at the same time keeping you in there life to wean there own feelings off slowly.. They have the best of you without being comitted.. I definetly won't be option number 2 when he is done "soul searching"..
0hpenelope Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Yeah, usually people can tell which exes they'll be okay to stay friends with and which ones they're not, whether it's because they want the ex back or because they're just not interested in keeping the ex around. I've never stayed friends with any of my exes. One was too into me, so I became uncomfortable with him forever. Another one was too much of a jerk. The most recent one, I don't want to be just his friend so I told him "I'm not interested in being just a friend. I want you back. If we stay in light contact with each other, it will reinforce the friendly feelings and that's not what I want. If you change your mind, only then can you call me." I have it both ways: NC for healing + for increasing my chances of getting back w/ him, whether it happens or not. The reconciliation doesn't matter (though for now, it's something on my mind) because I just want to be okay and stop missing him.
mgene15 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I thinks the friends thing is bull honestly..If you can be friends with the person you once loved then more power to you..But for me I can't become friends with my ex and watch her just fall in love with someone else..It would hurt too much, plus the feelings never go away if you keep sticking around and all you did is continue to hurt yourself
Lauriebell82 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I have never stayed friends with an ex. Too many memories, good and bad. A lot of people do it for various reasons, it's just not for me.
GreenPolicy Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I'm friendly with my ex-ex. We dont talk often, but it wouldn't upset me in the least if she is dating somebody else. Most current ex - strict NC.
Author Jdw_Icequeen Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Ok yes I can see many of you didn't or wouldn't want to be your exs friend.. That reply is fine.. But lets not avoid the question.. Do you beleive your exs wanted to be your friend because the genuinly wanted to be friends or was it not innocent? Did they have a reason behind it? The question is not if you did or didn't want to be there friend.. Its about there motives..
ccfan Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Ok yes I can see many of you didn't or wouldn't want to be your exs friend.. That reply is fine.. But lets not avoid the question.. Do you beleive your exs wanted to be your friend because the genuinly wanted to be friends or was it not innocent? Did they have a reason behind it? The question is not if you did or didn't want to be there friend.. Its about there motives.. In my case and i think in most of cases i do not think at all that the exs wanted a real friendship but to instead having the perks of having you around without the hard work and sacrifice that is required to make a relationship work. That plus is always very convenient for them to have you around as a safety net in case things doesnt work out for them. When my GF dumped me she cryed like there was no tomorrow and while hugging me she begged me not to abandon her, that she needed me as a friend because i was so special and she didn´t trust anybody else, etc..... well, i told her that if she wanted me back i´d be a new, improved boyfriend and that hopefully someday we´ll get married... but as for being her friend it´s a total No, as i can´t be friends with the woman i love. Actually i was offended when she asked me to be friends... did she pretend that at the end of the day we would talk about our days and she would tell me about this guy that asked her out...?? or that i was suposed to go to the movies with her not holding her hand..... no way that that is going to happen. So my two cents is that they do it a little bit for being polite, but mainly out of selfishness of having a plan B linned up.
screwball Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 But lets not avoid the question.. Do you beleive your exs wanted to be your friend because the genuinly wanted to be friends or was it not innocent? Did they have a reason behind it? The question is not if you did or didn't want to be there friend.. Its about there motives.. For my most recent ex, it was innocent and genuine, but being friends right after we broke up never worked. Friendship always turned back into us getting back together, so we went NC to stop the cycle and heal (she, the dumper, requested it). A couple months ago we started talking again and even went out for coffee and ice cream and things were fine. I felt genuinely happy that she was happy and we were comfortable talking about whatever. But that is after 10 months of NC and the relationship ended amicably.
0hpenelope Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Oh okay, I'll start over then. Ok yes I can see many of you didn't or wouldn't want to be your exs friend.. That reply is fine.. But lets not avoid the question.. Do you beleive your exs wanted to be your friend because the genuinly wanted to be friends or was it not innocent? Did they have a reason behind it? The question is not if you did or didn't want to be there friend.. Its about there motives.. My ex genuinely wants to be a friend to me. No ulterior motives, no "just in case nothing works out for me with other girls," none of that. There's a mutual high degree of respect for each other present. He's a jerk for being inconsiderate about the first go-around in breaking up with me, but he's not a jerk in that he will use me.
offpiste Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 We broke up mutually because of distance and are trying to stay friends- I think he genuinely wants to be friends, but I've always hoped that it would lead to us getting back together if the distance issue ever resolved itself. I say trying to stay friends because I've gone NC for awhile because I can't get him out of my head, which is difficult when he wants to chat until 5am about nothing and everything. He genuinely wants to be friends I think- he has no plans to resolve the distance issue, that was on my end and I didn't tell him, so he really can't have an ulterior motive 5,000 miles away.
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