Country_Girl Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I could use some help here folks. Long story short, I was in a LDR for 1.5 years then moved in with my bf. We lived together for a little over a year. We got married "sort of" in February. I say "sort of" because his family and friends were really religious and he lied and told them all we went to Justice of the Peace the day after I came to town. That lie spread to the pastor who was a sibling of his friends and the paperwork was never filed. Maybe I dodged a bullet on that one. Anyway, he had a porn addiction that was a constant battle every month to two months. He denied me sex often, because he had just used the PC, there was one month we didn't have sex at all within just 6 months of me living with him. It really hurt, because I told him before we even got together that I could not handle porn in our lives- sex was something special between two people & had been denied sex in a previous relationship & didn't want to go through that again. It really hurts to be denied on a regular basis, makes you feel inadequate as a woman. He kept saying he would change, but he didn't. I could tell when he was using- he distanced himself from me. He was grumpy. He stopped communicating, if I tried to have an honest conversation with him he would get angry and shut down. He bounced through 3 jobs and was depressed, I tried to work with him. Find him jobs online, ect. He said he needed to go to church to stop the addiction, but then he just kept sleeping in for it. We put monitoring software on the PC, but he went around it. He said he needed to fix himself in the end, that he could not be with me, that he needed to change but could only do it alone. This was after the sex stopped again and he denied using, he said it was over between us. Then went right to the PC, left his dirty rag on the floor for me to find in the morning and took the power cables to the PC to work with him. I left on Dec 22nd, but it had to be planned out because I had to get a plane ticket back home. So we really broke up the 20th, but we still did some x-mas shopping for his parents the day before I left. He was giving me mixed messages, wanted to hold hands on the car ride. At the mall, he said something mean when we seen a fortuneteller, he looked at me & said "hey we should ask her how long this relationship will last". I broke down crying, he kissed my forehead and hugged me. At the airport, he said he needed to work on himself. He told me to keep my wedding ring "just in case". He cried, I cried, he kissed me. That through me in a loop, was he saying he was going to fix himself and still wanted to be with me? I didn't know. When I got home I checked my email and he had asked for the password to have unrestricted access on his phone. No doubt for porn. I emailed back saying "wow, okay, password is xxxx". He had also asked if I was okay, and was the cat okay, but I felt he only emailed for the purpose of the password and not to see if we were okay. I emailed a few days later when I calmed down, asked if he was okay. He said he was broken. On new years I emailed him again (I know I know, should have been NC), but I wanted clarification since the whole airport conversation left me confused. He replied saying we shouldn't talk anymore, that he really had to think about it before replying. This pissed me off and I told him I knew about the porn emails he was sending himself to bi-pass the filter (this I didn't know till after I left and stupidly checked his email). That meant that the whole last month was all a lie, he wasn't getting better, instead blamed me for the relationship dissolving. He said he wasn't going to talk to me anymore since I brought up his struggles, but that he still loved me. I told him to stop sending me mixed signals and saying he loved me. He replied with "I'm not sending mixed signals, I do love you though and wish you the best". Like an idiot, few days later I sent an email asking him if maybe we had a future together after we had time to heal (stupid I know). Don't even ask me why I still want it to work. Maybe it's that I see potential. Maybe I fell in love with false promises. But I know in a few months I will look back and realize I dodged a bullet. But I haven't gotten to that point yet. I sent that email Jan 3rd, didn't get a reply, realized I was stupid for sending it, and decided I really needed to buckle down on NC. Well today, my birthday, he finally decides to reply with this gem: I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. Im going to keep this short because I dont want to upset you, but I still love you. I dont beleive in my heart that we will ever be back together, and that I need time before I can extend that friendship to you. I dont know if you want to beleive me or not, but I have been making progress, I have been making big changes. I kissed you at the airport because I still love you, and if it didnt mean anything to you, then im sorry. It meant everything to be, but let me be clear, I dont beleive there will be an "us" in the future, unless its just a friendship. I learned alot about relationships. Have a happy birthday, send me the address of where your going to be when you get time. Eventually I do have to write back, he has all my clothes, everything, I left with a suitcase & that's it. I will have to give him my new address to get my things. What should I write back, just give him the address, say thanks for the birthday wish? Just the address? I was getting over it and moving toward acceptance, until I got this email. I wish he wouldn't say that I love you crap, then say there is no us, then say I still love you. Maybe someone can decipher it.
donovant91 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Dear Country_Girl First of all I'm sorry for your current situation. But you have to keep in mind that out of suffering is the seed for happiness. My personal opinion was that this was an uneven relationship. He obviously wasn't very respectful towards you, which justifies why his porn addiction started in the first place. It is completely normal to feel the way you're feeling right now, he is sending mixed signals and the fact you still have strong feelings for him makes it confusing. You have to realize though that he was using you through out the relationship for his own self gain, so he would feel better about himself. If that weren't the case, he would have been able to give up porn for the real thing quite easily. He is personally wanting to get back together with you, he just wants you to be the one to say that you want back together, and that you were wrong, and that he doesn't have to change. It is very hard but you cannot go back to that relationship. He hasn't learned his lesson, and he will just continue to feed off your energy for his own self gain, taking advantage of your good nature. He does not want to face the music that he is the one with the problem. I would write him back with something short agreeing how things aren't going to work, and just give him the address to send your things. Avoid saying anything hurtful, because that only reflects how you are feeling. All you can really do is forgive and learn from this part of your life, and be thankful to experience lifes ups and downs.
Author Country_Girl Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 Donovant91- Thanks for your kind words, I just wish I didn't have to suffer to find happiness...he was going to be the savior, he knew what my ex did to me and said "I'll never be that guy". Turns out he was worse than that guy! In one of his other emails, when he said we shouldn't talk anymore, he also said he still believed I deserved better than him. Maybe I should take that advice, he said it often in the relationship. But I don't believe I deserve better, he has shattered my self esteem with his use, I would cry to myself when I undressed for a shower. I would go have a cigarette outside after "making love" and cry thinking of how impersonal it was. 5 minutes and maybe 2 kisses. I may as well have been a blow up doll. He stopped giving me compliments 5 months ago, even when I got all dressed up and spent time on my make-up. His use skewed his view of me, I was no longer the prettiest girl in the world to him, no he reserved his lust for the girls on the PC. I'm a 36B (average boobs but not small) and once told him I wanted implants to be a C Cup...well after he got caught the first time he said to me "I'll stop, oh hey, you're still going to get implants right?" God, what a fool I am. 2 weeks before we broke up he asked me to dye my hair darker, he thought my natural color was prettier. WTF? So, he was trying to mold me to his fantasy life? All my esteem is shattered, I am broken. You're right, I can't go back. Cuz I will never be good enough. Makes me sad really, he used to treat me like the only woman on earth. I just get mad wondering if he will ever realize what he did. But I don't think so, he plays the denial card pretty well. He admits to the addiction yet it was not the destruction of the relationship. When we went to a pastor for prayer, he skirted the issue, saying we had marital problems that were his fault but didn't say what they were. I just feel like he's a phony, that he sold himself to me, and instead of getting a new car, I got a lemon. I don't think he wants to get back together with me, I think he left so maybe he can find a new girl that is into this stuff. Maybe he already did find someone.
donovant91 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Country_Girl Sorry, it sounded like my response was a bit off. After reading your response I agree with you, he probably doesn't want to get back together. All you can do is try your best to close that chapter in your life and be excited for the future. I recently had a breakup where I was plaguing myself with the thought of whether she would realize what she has done, and whether she would eventually feel guilty for her behavior. I came to the conclusion that in the end it doesn't matter, because it wouldn't change anything between us. All you can do is focus on yourself, and be honest with yourself about the relationship. You could be hoping he would feel remorse but it is only hurting you in the end, your the one that has to deal with the thoughts. If he is feeling it he is suffering too. Let him do what he wants if hes found a new girl, it wont work out if he finds a new relationship this early. He seemed to be the problem in your relationship, and he will only carry those problems in the new relationship. All you can do is forgive, focus on acceptance of what has happened and find who you really are after this event.
Author Country_Girl Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 I am so stupid, I can't stop crying, I don't know why, I am a mess... I wrote him back giving him my address, said thanks for the Birthday message. Told him the kiss did mean something, I thought it meant we would heal ourselves separately and then there was a future. Based on not only that but prior to going to the airport he had told me to keep my wedding rings just in case. But I said I understood now, and he made it clear. Told him to take care of himself and wished him the best. I am not his FB friend anymore (deleted him after breakup) but I still did pull up his page. His picture is a little girl letting go of a heart shaped balloon. This messed me up, I am shattered.
donovant91 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Don't feel stupid for what has happened, everything happens for a reason. You have reason to feel like a mess and thats perfectly fine, embrace it. Think of it as all the negative energy through that relationship leaving your body. Don't try to bottle it up inside and just identify what you are feeling. I know it sucks, but the more you embrace your sadness and understand why you are sad the faster you can cure it and go back to being peaceful. It is hard but try not to contact him unless you're forced to, i know with my ex i talked to her now and then just to remind myself of what she has become. In the end it is up to you. When the sadness is gone you will feel light as air, be proud that you are alive and dont let negative thoughts weigh down your life. Live in the present and all the negativity will just drip away.
Fern Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 He is a psychic vampire. My ex was too - there are lots of them out there. Be strong. Screw your courage to the sticking place and cut him off. Cut him off COMPLETELY. Have as little contact as is possible. Get someone else to collect your stuff - amputate this guy like he is a disease. He IS a disease. The first two months will be HORRIBLE. You will second guess yourself constantly - then it will start to get better. It's just over 5 months now for me and I barely recognise myself. I know it doesn't feel that way now - but if you have the will and the strength to take your power back - you'll get there too. Your alternative is to go back to a miserable existance for years to come. Suck up the sh*tty 6 months of pain. You WILL get over him. Go cold turkey. Get him out of your system. You can do it! Take your life back from this psychic vampire!!!!
Author Country_Girl Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 Thanks guys for listening to me vent. I really love this forum, people are so understanding and have been through it all, that's why I enjoy visiting this site. Anyway, I'm not sad about it anymore. Instead it kind of shifted to anger, I wish I could say "boo hoo you had to give up on love and let it go"? What's the point in posting that picture other than to gain sympathy from friends when he had complete control over the situation. As much as I want to say something to him, I won't. I'm going to leave with my self respect in check. Part of my problem is I moved to a new city/state (with my bro & his gf). So I'm out of work, looking for a job, finding it tough. If I was working I wouldn't be left with all these thoughts to myself. I could bypass a lot of pain if I was more busy. Went to my brother's hockey game tonight, met some new people, and feeling stronger already. It was good to get out & helped lift some of that "hopeless" feeling.
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