ms d Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 i hope you guys can help me out with some good advice because i dont really trust my own thoughts anymore. a quick overview: me and my boyfriend were together for almost 6 years. at the end of our relationship he goes through a depressive fase which he tried to cure by endless movie watching. i was totally powerless in this situation, he wouldnt accept my help, didnt want anyone else's help, just wanted to watch more movies. so i break up with him and in the following 6 months he tries to win me back but i never melted for his charms. our relationship developed into a close friendship without benefits and i seemed pretty happy with it. that was untill he told me last week that he had fallen in love with another girl. all of a sudden i am struck with grief over our lost relationship and i keep thinking i want him back. what happened here? i never wanted him back during those 6 months we were apart, so why does another girl change everything? to complicate matters further the girl is a good friend of mine. there are no hard feelings, on the contrary, she is entitled to some love and romance and im happy that hes together with her and not some other girl. but i also know that if i would work my charms i could win him back (i mean we have been together for 6 years), but would that be fair? and the right thing to do? i so hope you guys can give me some advice on my situation because i am lost here.
poorguy Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Well you see what happened here is you sort of kept him on a string and I'm sure were loving every minute of it then BAM he found someone new. It's going to be a shock to you of course. In this situation I really think that you now want him because you can't have him...Start NC right now
paleblue Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 That's good you 're ok with his new relationship. I say let him have it. You don't really want him back it sounds like, or you would be with him already. I'm thinking just because you "think" you want him back isn't a good enough reason. it sounds more like you have a jealous streak. That would just be screwing with him.
carhill Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Probably the best advice I can give you, fatherly advice, is to not overestimate the power and influence of your charms. It might be easy to view men as puppets on a string but life will teach you differently. Up to you how harsh you want that lesson to be. Someone else, in this case a friend, has taken your place in his bed. Life goes on. Yeah, it hurts a bit. That's normal. Human. Hope the next relationship goes well
Mrlonelyone Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 I can kind of feel where the OP is coming from. In my situation I needed to ask myself very hard questions about my own motives. I utterly denied feeling anything more than acid reflux for a while. What I did was gently let the woman know I felt something still. If this man is really a friend he'll just kindly turn you down, then you can grieve with closure. Personally trying to pretend that I did not feel anything was killing me. Don't expect him to "melt for your charms though". Just let him know you still care. Likely he'll stick with the new relationship, and it's not impossible that after a time ...a long time... months or even a year he may remember how you were totally honest about what you felt. In that mean time move on with life.
broken-and-lost Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Just sounds like you were happy because you knew you had him in your life and you didn't need to do anything as you could snap your fingers and he would be yours, but now you might lose him you are no longer in control thats why NC works better as it makes the person either miss you and want you back or not, what you have done is keep him around so you got use to never having to look at whether you actually would have wanted him back
baybaybaby Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 Hm.. Tough. I think you should sit down and just think about what it is that you miss? Do you miss the fact that your not on the top of his list anymore? If so, I think you might feel this way because you feel replaced. Its not love. Maybe think about the time when you were together, do you feel heartbroken or are you over it? Look deep down in your heart, maybe you'll find an answer? Sorry if this doesn't help.
alimpo83 Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 My ex didn't want to meet me a second time, like a month ago, after a lunch where I told her I still had feelings for her. She told me we should give each other space and badabadabada. Then she found out I was dating another girl (I told her) and we haven't spoke since, went complete NC. Two days ago she came talking to me, wishing me a new year and when saying goodbye "Kiss (when you want to...please tell me something)". She began trying to get close again, probably feeling jealous of the situation itself, rather than from me. My ex wanted a close friendship without benefits too, but I couldn't work on that. She wanted to have her flirts and so with other guys, while keeping her best friend close, like a puppy. You'll have to move on, maybe after telling him you still have feelings for him, or for the best (concerning him) don't tell him anything. He had to cope with your loss for six months, let him have his life. Sorry If I sound too harsh!
Author ms d Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 thank you all for your replies, they are very helpful to me. some of you advise me to look deep into my heart to see whats going on, what am i really feeling, what do i really want? but that's exactly the problem, i have no idea wether i can trust my own feelings anymore. because how can i trust my own feelings if they can change overday? i mean, one day i feel fine with not being together, and the other day i feel like i did the first day we broke up. and maybe my remark of 'using my charms' was a bit harsh. what i meant to say with this takes a lot longer then using the phrase 'using my charms'. because actually the problem has become even more complex since my ex called me in the middle of the night, asking me wether i wanted him to break off his new romance so we could get back together. it's not that he is not in love with this new girl, he is just very confused by it all. i told him i couldnt answer that question, that i need time to think but what to do here people? help me out. should i just accept that i had my chance, that there is a reason why i never got back with him the last 6 months, and leave him alone so he can start something new with this other girl? or have i been fooling myself with this 'friendship' we had (which in reality was equal to our relationship minus the intimacy) and do i only realise now that this friendship will dissapear too, that i do really love him? the latter choice also includes hurting one of my friends (and probably pissing off some of our mutual friends too), so i'm really faced with a dilemma here.
liverpool fc Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 or have i been fooling myself with this 'friendship' we had (which in reality was equal to our relationship minus the intimacy) and do i only realise now that this friendship will dissapear too, that i do really love him? the latter choice also includes hurting one of my friends (and probably pissing off some of our mutual friends too), so i'm really faced with a dilemma here. this does look really tough - you could just let him go out with your friend and keep your friend and mutual friends or go after him but lose a few mates - you have to figure out what is more important to you - in the end the riskier option is to go after your man but if that fails you probably would have lost your friends and some friendship feeling with him. jealousy is really powerfull in making the other person want each there partner back, this does seem like it has a strong factor because you said for 6 months he wanted you back and you felt like you had a good friendship without the intimicy and now he has someone else with him you all of a sudden want him back - do you feel if you got him back you will have that feeling that you have for him now or will things eventually sooth back to what made it break up?
NeNinja Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 So...you broke up with him because he was depressed. You tossed him into the friend zone for 6 months and now that he found someone else you're having second thoughts. It sounds like you 'broke up with him' but what really happened is you stopped having sex with him. Emotionally he was still available to you and serving up a lot of the 'boyfriend' functions. But while you were using him to meet your emotional needs he realized he isn't/wasn't getting what he wanted out of a male-female relationship. Now he's found it. You're sad because you are beginning to realize that he isn't going to be there for you forever. He's happy and he's moving on.
broken-and-lost Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Just ask yourself the most basic of questions do i want to grow old with this person have a family am i happy when he is in my life if you have any doubts leave the man alone to find someone who does think that
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