My Story

[issohard]

Hello

 

I have been here for a while but never posted anything. So here is my story:

I am MW who is "having" an affair with MM. I am not sure if I can still say having as we haven't been seeing each other properly for few months now And I have finally decided to let it go as it was so painful.

Today is my 7day NC however is so hard as we are working together and we still see each other at work.

The reason why we don't see each other outside the work is because he said he needs some time to decide what he wants to do and I didn't help it either as I was pressurising as well and acting silly.

He never officially ended with me and we were keeping in touch for the last few months which were the most painful days of my life.

I am not sure if I am doing the right thing or should a wait for some time.

Still don't understand why he will not let me go and keep staying in touch saying he is missing me. It doesn't seems to be clear for me and I am so confused.

Anyway I am much better than a month ago so hopefully I will stay strong enough to fight the furher pain and up and downs....

[BB07]

He is keeping you on a string and you are allowing him to.

If you really want the pain to stop, then no more friends, no more nothing. He is using you to get his ego strokes, (knowing you are still there for him), and again you are letting him have all the control.

People who sincerely love you will not purposefully keep doing something that is causing you pain.

 

If you keep hanging in there waiting on him, expect more of the same or come to grips with the role of OW/OMW and be satisfied with the roller coaster and loss of your self esteem if you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat.

 

What about your marriage? Why are you having an affair instead of addressing the problems in your marriage and/or leaving the marriage?

[issohard]

BB07 is really hard to work on my marriage knowing my heart still belongs to someone else.

Anyway if my husband didn't behave the way he did I wouldn't been in that complicated situation today.

Is hard to face the fact that two unhappily married people cannot be together for certain reason, but from the other side if the circumstances were different we would be probably together by now.

Is as hard for him as is for me...

To be honest he never let me feel like a doormat and despite the fact that we are not seeing each other he still is making me feel that I'm very important to him.

Maybe it sound naive but if he wanted to make me feel like a doormat he would have dumped me the day after he slept with me.

The only thing I don't understand why life is so bloody complicated.

I can understand how hard is to leave someone being in commitment as I am MW so is maybe more easy for me to understand that those kind of decisions are probably the hardest ones regardless how much you love someone..

I have to be breave now...

[BB07]

BB07 is really hard to work on my marriage knowing my heart still belongs to someone else.

Anyway if my husband didn't behave the way he did I wouldn't been in that complicated situation today.

Is hard to face the fact that two unhappily married people cannot be together for certain reason, but from the other side if the circumstances were different we would be probably together by now.

Is as hard for him as is for me...

To be honest he never let me feel like a doormat and despite the fact that we are not seeing each other he still is making me feel that I'm very important to him.

Maybe it sound naive but if he wanted to make me feel like a doormat he would have dumped me the day after he slept with me.

The only thing I don't understand why life is so bloody complicated.

I can understand how hard is to leave someone being in commitment as I am MW so is maybe more easy for me to understand that those kind of decisions are probably the hardest ones regardless how much you love someone..

I have to be breave now...

 

You can't work on your marriage until you are done with the affair, so do you want your marriage? If you do, you need to realize that you are taking a huge risk with it.

Also it's not right or fair to cast blame on someone else for the affair, that is on you ONLY.

Yes I'm cynical, but nothing sounds special or out of the ordinary about your affair so far, sound likes another screwed up situation in which mm gets to have two women when he chooses. Cake eating......and selfishness by the mm is a common theme. Also........you are doing very much the same thing as you have two men also.

The reason that it's so complicated is because of the affair, and you choose to get yourself into the affair and you are the one who has complicated your life.

I'm sorry that you are in pain and confused, but you are the one who needs to take the bull by the horns and decide what you are going to do with your pain and confusion. Staying in your marriage and at the same time having an affair will more than likely drive you more than a little nuts unless you are the type who can compartmentalize your life.

 

Would you leave your husband for this man? Do you have kids? How long have you been married? What are the issues with your husband?

[Heather1]

How long has it gone on? It sounds as if you're looking for an exit A & hoping he's looking for the same thing.

 

I've found that it wasn't something that happened overnight, and it's the hardest thing to get out of!! You'll both go back & forth until it just burns out or a dday. Most likely, with two of you M'd, the chances of working it out & blending families is just a whole lot of unknowns. Does he know you want to leave spouses & be together?

 

I can compartmentalize, keep it as it is, and it's STILL a rollercoaster. What I've decided to do is just move forward w/ my life & let him think what he wants from here on out. I've tried NC several times, it seems like we both want each other more & I'm opting for it to have run it's course, which in my case (on my side) it has.

 

The other thing is kids involved. If you want to be w/ this man, it's better to back off & both of you get divorced. My son just told me about his friend who's mom left for the OM & none of the kids will speak to her until they break up. Really think of the reality of the two of you being together & how messy that's going to be to make that happen. It would be easier to break it off now, get d, & THEN decide to work it out. A lot easier on your spouses & families too.

[whichwayisup]

Anyway if my husband didn't behave the way he did I wouldn't been in that complicated situation today.

 

Can you expand on this? It sounds like you're blaming your husband for your choice in having an affair. If your marriage sucks and you don't love your husband anymore, then divorce him.

 

The MM probably was just looking for an affair, nothing too serious. Yes he may have had feelings for you, but he has no plans on leaving his wife.

 

Have you gone to do any counselling? if not, consider doing so, it'll help you out this mess.

[jwi71]

I am MW who is "having" an affair with MM. I am not sure if I can still say having as we haven't been seeing each other properly for few months now

 

Define properly? Do you mean that as in "out in the open" or more often or how?

 

Today is my 7day NC however is so hard as we are working together and we still see each other at work.

Then you are NOT NC. And as long as this continues so will your pain - its really that simple.

 

The reason why we don't see each other outside the work is because he said he needs some time to decide what he wants to do and I didn't help it either as I was pressurising as well and acting silly.

Does this mean you are leaving your H? Or are you waiting for HIM to leave first then you will leave? If that's the case you are cruising on the Titanic - and its just a matter of time before your R with your MM sinks.

He never officially ended with me and we were keeping in touch for the last few months which were the most painful days of my life.

OK, so you aren't ready for it to end.

And that's ok. Maybe what you need to do is D your H so your MM as proof of your love for him.

 

 

 

BB07 is really hard to work on my marriage knowing my heart still belongs to someone else.

 

Agreed. And based on your first post I would say file for D now. This way you can provide to your MM evidence of how serious you are and you can have a proper R with him after he files for D.

 

Anyway if my husband didn't behave the way he did I wouldn't been in that complicated situation today.

Its all your H's fault that YOUR having an A?

Its HIS fault you are in a complicated situation?

Based on what you write...YOURE the one cheating and causing this, not him. OWN your actions. This is YOUR choice, not his. You will get little to no sympathy for faulting him for YOUR decisions.

 

And I know that's harsh but the FIRST step is OWNING your role. Once you take responsibility for YOUR actions you can begin to right the ship.

Is hard to face the fact that two unhappily married people cannot be together for certain reason, but from the other side if the circumstances were different we would be probably together by now.

Sure you can. File for D.

 

To be honest he never let me feel like a doormat and despite the fact that we are not seeing each other he still is making me feel that I'm very important to him.

I'm sure you are. And maybe he will decided to leave. Then you can leave and be together. Like I said earlier...why don't YOU leave first?

The only thing I don't understand why life is so bloody complicated.

I always believed life is what you make of it.

What can you do to make this less complicated?

Edited January 8, 2011 by jwi71

[issohard]

Thanks for all the replies..

I probably won't manage to answer all the questions in one go but I will whenever opportunity will let me..

My story started over a year ago but I have been in EA from June and then we were seeing each other almost every day. From October we have seen each other just twice and this was just for short while.

In that last few months we were on touch via e-mail few times a week.

Last few days I am no NC via e-mail despite he was asking to stay in touch. We are working together so is very difficult not to see each other at work however I am making any type of excuses to avoid the meetings. I have no plans to leave my H for now as we have some financial commitments together but if he would leave his wife now I could have speed up my decision.

Yes it was my H's fault that lead me into an A because the way he behaved made me feel like s...t. No intrest from his side, indifference and even avoiding physical contact. I felf not looked after and not loved and we were arguing seriously every day. If my H would loved me he would never made me feel that I am not important to him.

Last time MM send me an e-mail saying that soon he would have make a decision and if it wasn't for the kids he would have leave his wife long time ago. I don't have kids so for me this is no issue.

I stay NC because I think that things will not lead to any further development however you can't really know for sure.

Staying in contact making me feel worst than staying NC because of inconsistency in replies makes me think a lot.

I still keep checking e-mails every day even if I haven't sent and received any, is just curiosity and I can't help it...

[whichwayisup]

Yes it was my H's fault that lead me into an A because the way he behaved made me feel like s...t. No intrest from his side, indifference and even avoiding physical contact. I felf not looked after and not loved and we were arguing seriously every day. If my H would loved me he would never made me feel that I am not important to him.

 

With this, above, consider going to do some counselling. Read what your wrote afew times.

 

Maybe if you told your H what you said above, or did marriage counselling, or even told your H that you felt unloved and you've met someone else, he would have woken up before the cheating ever happened. Anyway, it sounds like now you more or less hate your husband but will stay married because of financial reasons and the fact your MM hasn't left his wife. What your MM does or doesn't do should NOT impact if you leave or not.

 

How do you think your H would react if you told him about the affair? What if he found out on his own.

[merlin2]

There are only two types of affairs that I can see:

1.two people get together,one or more of them has committments,but they 'fall in love',leave their partners,kids (within a year of the relationship beginning)and set up home together.They accept the fallout,the kids eventally have 2 homes to go to.

2. married man/woman unhappy in their marriage but for whatever reason they still want to be with their spouse-love obviously,but that person isnt giving them what they feel they need.They have lost all control in the relationship etc and decide they need to get their 'extra needs' fulfilled elsewhere.they have no intention of leaving their partner EVER.At some point they actually feel they deserve this and obviously they have to be in the narcissistic range to even contempate deceiving TWO people!

Basically these people aren't even showing you their true colours.

I just wanted to point something out,as it's something that's keeping you in doubt.you mentioned he got in contact after he slept with you.

Of course he did-sex has nothing to do with love,and what he's doing is nothing to do with solely sex.The old 'guys dont call you back after they slept with you' is for 17 year olds.

What your MM is getting from you is an ego boost,a haven from his marriage ,and the power of keeping someone on his string.That power has long gone in his marriage.You are fulfilling the one thing need he doesnt get from his wife,although he loves her.Most of these men are passive aggressive in my opinion,they have decided a long time ago they will never leave their wife,as their egos are that huge they couldnt cope with her meeting someone else.So they get the 'adoration' from someone else and it gives THEM peace of mind,that secret from their wives,and makes them feel strong.not all men are like this,only the very emasculated ones who havent got any backbone and/or who are going through a midlife crisis and cant survive on their own without a woman to prop up their ego.Also their wife wont participate in a sexual way anymore and they feel they deserve to have someone who'll oblige them sexually.Most of them will have had more than one affair,and you wont have been the first on their radar.Oly because the others saw sense and got out.If you dont get out now,the mm would be happy to have his 'real life' and YOU forever and happily balance both .

Sometimes people have affairs and really do fall in love and leave their partners.

But it's rare.

The kids are too young is a favourite excuse for people who are stringing you along.Anyone who cares about their kids that much wouldnt get into an adulterous affair to begin with.

and if they did it would be out of genuine unhappiness,and put it this way,how many times do you hear about so and so left his /her wife for someone else.(what about the kids?) they do it anyway and the kids have to adapt.

PEOPLE LEAVE THEIR SPOUSES EVERY DAY TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE.My opinion on that doesnt count.If you're not happy in a relationship,talk about it with your partner and get out if that doesnt work.Most people,however,dont and are too scared of being alone,whether that be emotionally or financially.So they wont leave a relationship till they have another in place.

Unfortunately you've been charmed by someone who doesnt want you to know that you have a world of single men at your disposal ,and you're wasting your time on a loser whose only talent is manipulating you into being his ego/boost.

it's not rocket science-have a crisis and that emotionally unavailable person-well you wont see them for dust!'That charmer' who declared his/her undying love for you-you still wont see them for dust!

you are scheduled in as far as they are concerned ,you fulfill their needs,god forbid YOU have any!

You have a few hurdles to get over,but you're acknowledging the MM situation and thats a good thing.

 

Best of luck.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow! Another poster who blames others for their choices. I wonder what you didn't do for your H and if he has the right to blame you for whatever action he could/would take in response to "said" failure on your part. :confused:Your choices...you should own them.

[jwi71]

I have no plans to leave my H for now as we have some financial commitments together but if he would leave his wife now I could have speed up my decision.

 

How would THAT improve your financial picture?

How does your MOM filing for D IMPROVE your money situation?

 

Yes it was my H's fault that lead me into an A because the way he behaved made me feel like s...t. No intrest from his side, indifference and even avoiding physical contact. I felf not looked after and not loved and we were arguing seriously every day. If my H would loved me he would never made me feel that I am not important to him.

 

Like WWIU said...off to IC pronto and for the same reasons stated.

[pureinheart]

Wow! Another poster who blames others for their choices. I wonder what you didn't do for your H and if he has the right to blame you for whatever action he could/would take in response to "said" failure on your part. :confused:Your choices...you should own them.

 

The most injurious thing about pride is that it thoroughly blinds people to their own proud hearts and any of their other sins, yet they have 20/20 vision for the faults and weaknesses of others.

[pureinheart]

Hello

 

I have been here for a while but never posted anything. So here is my story:

I am MW who is "having" an affair with MM. I am not sure if I can still say having as we haven't been seeing each other properly for few months now And I have finally decided to let it go as it was so painful.

Today is my 7day NC however is so hard as we are working together and we still see each other at work.

The reason why we don't see each other outside the work is because he said he needs some time to decide what he wants to do and I didn't help it either as I was pressurising as well and acting silly.

He never officially ended with me and we were keeping in touch for the last few months which were the most painful days of my life.

I am not sure if I am doing the right thing or should a wait for some time.

Still don't understand why he will not let me go and keep staying in touch saying he is missing me. It doesn't seems to be clear for me and I am so confused.

Anyway I am much better than a month ago so hopefully I will stay strong enough to fight the furher pain and up and downs....

 

Hi ISH,

 

Welcome . I really don't have any profound advice...I just wish the best for you and hope you make the right decisions...I really wish things were different for you..((((hugs))) hang in there and try to stay away from MM and work on you. I am really glad you posted:)

[bentnotbroken]

The most injurious thing about pride is that it thoroughly blinds people to their own proud hearts and any of their other sins, yet they have 20/20 vision for the faults and weaknesses of others.

 

 

I am sure you speak from experience.