bzoe Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 (edited) what do you think of this guys? i of accidental text woes the other day - read my funnylateroninlife tale here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t259772/ for those who dont know, my live in bf for a year just up and disappeared with absolutely no warning, dragged on the longest (about 3 months long) breakup in history avoiding me like the plague but asking me to wait thru text..then i find out on fb that he has a new gf. a girl he cheated with. ----------------- last night i had THE worst nostalgia..longing..sadness.. whatever. so I sign on to AIM and on my away wrote "for what its worth - sos. (and our code word. yes we have a code word) btw it didn't seem to crazy..at the time bc he has been posting aways like "good luck out there, wherever you are" or.. "sick as a dog..this wouldnt be an issue when.." << we talked about this a lot bc id take super good care and he's always say that to me. this was my 1st away ref. him at all. anyway.. he comes online.. says hello.. we dance around the accidental text thing and then he asks me point blank what my away meant. which i found slight jarring bc he's not a direct person about .. anything. at all. but i didnt have any words that I felt I could say. his behavior has been so erratic the past few months with not an oz of feeling for my vulnerable moments that I just didnt feel like I could really say "i miss you and wish this never happened" the best I could do and it took a lot was say that I really hated that there was such a negative tone in the air left behind. that we couldnt be friends.. or rather that we felt like enemies and that was strange to me. something to that effect. i was also quite apologetic for even saying so. idk why. but he could tell and i guess it bothered him bc thats not my personality..at all. he IM blurted something like "this isn't good" .. and im like "?" .. and he says "just the way this whole IM sounds..I hate that its like this." he also said its impossible for him to not worry about me all the time.. to wonder how im doing , where i am stuff like that but then he says "ill say hi from time to time. even though there was irreparable damage done" I don't even recall the rest of that sentence and "imma go" all i know is that I typed "wait" .. i dont even know what bc i really didnt know what to say. but he signed off. it was like someone slammed the door in my face. maybe it was the shot of vodka i had earlier, idk.. but i sobbed so hard, just dropped onto the kitchen floor and cried my eyes out for what felt like forever with a sweater in my face to muffle the sounds so neighbors wouldn't think I'm dying in here idk ..even though he spent forever blaming for every under the sun without merit (and thats not delusional, it really was a bunch of way random excuses ), i got the impression that "irreparable damage" meant what he did to me, not vice versa. I've seen him do it before- miss out rather than lift a finger to make it right. he really thinks like this ..during our relationship on smaller scales i used to have to make him feel better about an issue he behaved badly on even if it was killing me inside for him to even consider trying to resolve it.ive seen him get torn up over what he perceived irreversible. in this case, im not saying what he did can be undone. but obviously if he's feeling guilty and im clearly talking to him without accusatory tones or inferences anyway..thats a lot more than some people would give him. he's choosing to be this way and projecting like its me or something. i could be wrong here but something inside me tells me im not. and it made me want to stay away from him. ha - not all those horrific things he put me through. THIS. bc .. idk.. to me..anyone who is so willing to lose a valuable connection bc its "too hard" to say I'm sorry or to face what they've done obviously has a lot of living to do. and thats out of my hands. I really can't do the chasing thing which he DOESN'T do. he's even told me after we broke up the only reason he never showed up at my doorstep (when there was MUCH less to be sorry for at that point) was bc he was afraid of rejection. even though I kept saying im willing to talk/listen. i dont see this being easy for me.. who knows if ill reneg my moment of clarity later. i still struggle with what it looks like at face value - that he effin hates me..just to get messages like i did last night to challenge that. but this has been directly affecting my entire life. my career in such a big way. I'm actually typing this up at the studio just diving headfirst back into a strong influx of work.i got up this morning thinking... you know what.. I guess you'll just have to catch my news in the wind like everyone else. bc i believe that life has a way of breaking people like my ex. I should know bc it turns out he's like my dad in many ways. My dad was the toughest nut to crack but my mom leaving and not finding anyone like her.. yeah.. cracked if im right, its just sad to me that he'd choose this. this is not the first time i've seen a guy do this with me but never to this magnitude. why do things the hard way and allow me to think i'm a freak of nature reject and keep instigating the worst than just say what you need to at least when its still palatable? what do you guys make of it? Edited January 7, 2011 by bzoe
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