greengoddess Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Would you ever marry someone that you felt you needed to go to MC before you even got married? I can not imagine doing that. Marriage has so many highs and lows and ups and downs that you learn to navigate and councelling can help but why would you waste your time on a partner that you can't handle the relationship without councelling before marriage? I think I would run from a boyfriend and quick if I got to the point we needed outside help with the relationship. There are plenty of men out there. You read so many times about relationships that are started in some unsavory ways and they seem to end up getting councelling BEFORE marriage. There are so many men and women out there why would you do this? Would you go into a marriage knowing you needed help before it even began? I would never. It seems crazy to me and bound for failure.
Hazel_eyes Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I think your view is slightly skewed because you assume that one would get counseling beforehand because they have major problems (at least that is how your post came across to me). Me and my husband had marriage counseling before we got married. We had a fantastic time dating and being engaged, no doubts. However we also knew that marriage is no easy thing, and both of us have been determined from the very beginning to make our marriage a huge priority in our lives. He came from an abusive and chaotic childhood and family, where I came from a very stable and happy childhood so we knew that we would be creating a family together with very different experiences. We want to be together forever and are bound and determined to make that happen. We wanted to get counseling beforehand because sometimes things come up in marriage that you don't think about while dating but can become an issue later on. We weren't naive and didn't think we already had it all figured out. The counseling turned out to be an extremely positive experience. We learned ways to communicate even better, discovered new things that we didn't know about each other, it gave us improved skills on ways to compromise that would make us both happy, and it ultimately confirmed that we are very compatible. Our counselor also confirmed to us that from his perspective he had no worries about our getting married. Right after getting married we were faced with some extremely rough life issues, things that a lot of people marvel and wonder how it didn't rip us apart. That counseling beforehand really gave us skills to help us get through those times (well, that and he is amazing!). Sure we've had our little fights, no one is perfect all the time and no one is incapable of being annoying lol. However we have a fantastic, fulfilling relationship that we are both happy with. And we both still agree that the counseling was smart to get beforehand.
laRubiaBonita Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 (edited) I think your view is slightly skewed because you assume that one would get counseling beforehand because they have major problems (at least that is how your post came across to me). Me and my husband had marriage counseling before we got married. We had a fantastic time dating and being engaged, no doubts. However we also knew that marriage is no easy thing, and both of us have been determined from the very beginning to make our marriage a huge priority in our lives. He came from an abusive and chaotic childhood and family, where I came from a very stable and happy childhood so we knew that we would be creating a family together with very different experiences. We want to be together forever and are bound and determined to make that happen. We wanted to get counseling beforehand because sometimes things come up in marriage that you don't think about while dating but can become an issue later on. We weren't naive and didn't think we already had it all figured out. The counseling turned out to be an extremely positive experience. We learned ways to communicate even better, discovered new things that we didn't know about each other, it gave us improved skills on ways to compromise that would make us both happy, and it ultimately confirmed that we are very compatible. Our counselor also confirmed to us that from his perspective he had no worries about our getting married. Right after getting married we were faced with some extremely rough life issues, things that a lot of people marvel and wonder how it didn't rip us apart. That counseling beforehand really gave us skills to help us get through those times (well, that and he is amazing!). Sure we've had our little fights, no one is perfect all the time and no one is incapable of being annoying lol. However we have a fantastic, fulfilling relationship that we are both happy with. And we both still agree that the counseling was smart to get beforehand. i agree! also when my H and i got married, part of my pastors "prerequisite" was marriage counseling; although it was through him and not a counselor per-say. i think it is smart for a church to do that, kind of a small lesson that will hopefully help your marriage last. i think it's a pretty smart move, you can start a journey and never need a map, but it is nice to have a map to use if need be. Edited January 7, 2011 by laRubiaBonita
Author greengoddess Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 ah yes I think many religious organizations make you go with some classes before you get married to go over things that may occur that you have not thought of. I am speaking more about people who are going for counceling because of all the problems in their relationship before they get married. I just don't get that. If you have so many problems before marriage do not get married. It certainly will not get better. Thanks for your thoughts.
Duckduckgoose Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I would definitely get marriage counselling before I got married again. Either you get it before you get married or you are going to have to get it after the divorce to get some of your sanity and self-esteem back. I think that marriage counselling would have brought to light the issues that was bugging my husband or at least gave him ways to communicate to me before he up and left. Too late now.
ufo8mycat Posted January 8, 2011 Posted January 8, 2011 (edited) It is pretty common here, in my social circle at least to undertake pre-marital counselling and to me it is about using it as a tool to problem solve. Every relationship has areas of disagreement and the course that my husband and I did put pretty much everything on the table. Its amazing the detail that people don't talk about prior to getting married. We had a civil ceremony so it wasn't a requirement to do pre-marital counselling as it often in in religious marriages but we chose to make that small investment through an independent group - relationships australia. Figured that the worst that could happen is that we were $200 poorer and confirmed about the awesomeness of our relationship. We each learnt a lot and provided some good tools for communication on sticky issues. I know couples that have had counselling prior to marriage due to background issues and I personally don't see the problem. It was a mechanism to aid communication and to provide solutions to move forward. Some problems are solvable. I think its pretty short sighted to think that a relationship where counselling is sort is a doomed one. Edited January 8, 2011 by ufo8mycat
Lauriebell82 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 My husband and I were required to to have a few premartial counseling sessions with the priest who married us. It was rather helpful actually. we pinpointed some of the things that may come up in our marriage and worked on how to deal with them together. You don't have to have major problems to go to premartial counseling, you can use it as a "preventative measure" so to speak.
Stung Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I think it really depends. If a couple needs counseling because they are struggling with fundamental incompatibility issues or dealbreakers like infidelity, they should probably accept that they're not right for each other and move on before legally binding themselves to each other. However, a lot of people have couples counseling simply as a tool to ensure healthy communication when encountering life's slings and arrows. In addition, a lot of couples have more invested in the relationship than just dating and warm feelings--I lived with, worked with, bought property with, and raised children with my now-husband before we formally married, we were intimately and irrevocably intertwined before we ever had a ceremony. If we had encountered bumps in the road that we needed help with we would have sought professional steering aid without shame.
carhill Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Would you ever marry someone that you felt you needed to go to MC before you even got married? PMC and a pre-nup will be non-negotiables prior to my next M.
Got it Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I agree with carhill as two of my prerequisites before walking down the aisle again. I see therapy as a great thing. We all need help with our communication skills and conflict resolution and so making sure your foundation is as strong as possible and your toolbox is as big as you can have. Well that is a recipe for successful. I learned that the wrong way with my exhusband. We should have been in therapy years before we did because by the time did it was too late. I think if we had therapy prior to marriage we would have better understood each other and probably wouldn't have married.
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