theumlaut Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Meet someone on OkCupid--she contacted me. Emailed for about 10 days before meeting. It was an incredible first meeting. She far exceeded my expectations in many ways. Met for simple coffee, that turned into about 4 hours, then we went to dinner and that was more than 2 hours. I could tell she didn't want to end it. I was really tired, but also didn't want to go overboard for a first meeting. That was Sunday; we decided to get together again on Fri. I feel like there's been too much contact since our first meet. First she sent me a long very excited, highly complimentary email right after getting home from the date. Fine, great. Then she sent me another email the next day and wanted to text (I HATE texting and rarely do it but she loves it). Suggested getting together Tues (this was on Mon) because she was so interested. I declined, I had plans that I could've changed but it was starting to seem like too much too soon (a problem with me in the past; want to take things slower at first now despite being extremely attracted to her for many reasons). Then I texted her on Wed. and we just chatted about nothing really, but I did it because she wanted to text and I thought I should take some initiative to express my interest. Then we texted again on Thursday because we hadn't hashed out our plans for Friday yet, and she likes the contact. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm old school (and older--I'm 46 to her 38) where you make plans for a second date, and then do it. Or talk about getting together and talk--once usually--in between to organize the details. All this contact has taken some of the mystery and interest out of it for me. It's felt draining to have all this contact with someone I've only had one date with so far. I worry that she's clingy--is all this in between initial dates contact more normal these days? I have a friend who operates that way, too. And I hate texting, which I told her, but I've gone along with it because she isn't much for talking on the phone and she thinks texting is better: you can multitask better, a text is less disruptive than a call like if she's working, etc. It feels so impersonal to me. One good phone call to chat and make plans would have been my ideal. I haven't learned anything about her that's lessened my opinion of her, but I feel kind of blah about seeing her tonight because it doesn't seem as special now with these multiple contacts--every day but Tues. this week. Relating to her has seemed like a pain in the a$$ this week. A hassle using a non-effective, impersonal means of communication (for the purposes of just getting to know each other; texting with someone you know to exchange little bits of info is fine with me, but not long conversations). Has the world changed? Do others know what I mean about losing some of the mystery of a new person like this? Doesn't the contact seem excessive?
creighton0123 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Ask yourself this: Outside of your preconceived notions on how much contact is too much/too little, are you enjoying the contact you're receiving? Terms like "old school", "clingy", "losing some of the mystery", "excessive", "draining", etc. all reflect on your submission to socially constructed dating guidelines, par on par with how soon one should or should not call a person after a first date. Dropping these constructs, if you're still interested in her and enjoy talking to her, continue moving forward. If you really do abhor texting (don't worry, you're not alone), make it absolutely clear that you have no problem receiving texts, but that you don't enjoy and are not good at texting in return. Hell, I'm a software developer with a fast-touch typing speed of 85 words per minute. Even I despise typing given the impersonal nature of it and how long it takes to say even simple things - and I have an Android with word prediction! On your next date, let her know this. Tell here that when you're interested in someone, like her, you expect vocal communication over text messages because you find them more personal and special. If she can't agree to something as simple as that, chances are she's not for you :-)
Author theumlaut Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 Ask yourself this: Outside of your preconceived notions on how much contact is too much/too little, are you enjoying the contact you're receiving? Terms like "old school", "clingy", "losing some of the mystery", "excessive", "draining", etc. all reflect on your submission to socially constructed dating guidelines, par on par with how soon one should or should not call a person after a first date. Dropping these constructs, if you're still interested in her and enjoy talking to her, continue moving forward. If you really do abhor texting (don't worry, you're not alone), make it absolutely clear that you have no problem receiving texts, but that you don't enjoy and are not good at texting in return. Hell, I'm a software developer with a fast-touch typing speed of 85 words per minute. Even I despise typing given the impersonal nature of it and how long it takes to say even simple things - and I have an Android with word prediction! On your next date, let her know this. Tell here that when you're interested in someone, like her, you expect vocal communication over text messages because you find them more personal and special. If she can't agree to something as simple as that, chances are she's not for you :-) Good, helpful response. Thanks. I think of the preconceived notions as not socialy constructed, but as preconceived and constructed by each of us, and we're different. I'm not saying I'm "old school" as if I have to be that way, I am that way becasue I choose that way, as she chooses her approach. She even mentions in her profile that she's not into talking on the phone much. I think I do need to talk to her about it, but in a vein of how I like to use text vs. phone vs. email without reference to my feelings about our contact this week. Whether she has a problem with initimacy, as I suspect with the avoidance of phone in lieu of texting, I guess I'll find out. Her behavior in a week might be very different from this first week, so I'm overthinking this, I think. But I am curious if there's been a change in general, as I've seen with a friend who operates this same way, to what I think is not positive results.
ivalm Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 (edited) I'm 22 and I hate texting (ie, it's not because you're old or from old times that you dislike it, it really is a bad medium for early romantic interaction). So, what do I do? I call my dates; she texts me? Fine, I CALL her back. I think being proactive in what you like early on is important. If she is uncomfortable on the phone this will also lessen the amount of "pain in the a$$" she is as it will keep your conversations shorter. Now, you did space your dates a bit far apart. If I really enjoy my first date with a girl I try to schedule something 2-3 days into the future, not 5 days! I understand it's fun to have a period to think/fantasize about your woman (ie mystery part) but 5 day break can be difficult, especially for the younger generation (although at 38 she isn't exactly from my generation). At any rate, she really like you, if you reciprocate, then you're on a good track. If not, you can always move on. Edited January 7, 2011 by ivalm
zengirl Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 You're in your forties, and you still want "mystery" -- to me, that sounds like you'd not be ready for a LTR, but it depends on what you mean by it. I mean, who wants mystery when deciding on a partner? It seems counterproductive. And don't get me wrong, I understand the communication issues. I cannot stand the constant texting that goes on. I see my roommates (a guy and a girl!) do it with the people they date, always back and forth, trying to figure out what each text "means," spending time composing these witty sentences. Oh, goodness, how awful it seems to me. I'm so glad my BF and I don't have these text conversations that go on for hours. We do text and communicate regularly, but it can be a quick back, forth, back again, and we're done. I do require attentive contact. Meaning, sure call or text me within a day or two of the date, set up another one promptly, and then let's go on that date, set up another one, etc. If it's going to be more than a few days between dates, let's 'check in' in between. But it's all the back and forth that kills me. Just a text or two or a brief call once and awhile is good. Instead, I'd prefer frequent dates. That said, I know dating sucks and is stressful as a girl, and we just wish we 'knew.' And so many girls feel like they'll find out something useful through this texting and chatting. To me, it's empty communication, but many people need it. If you wind up dating her, you'd probably need a happy medium.
Banega100 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 dude, it's simple, you just say your phone's broke/got no credit/can't get signal sometimes etc etc. you have a plethora of reasons why you can't text her at your disposal. Then you can ring her half way through the week on your home phone so that she doesnt think you're avoiding her. I always wheel out these excuses because, like you said, it makes actually meeting her a lot less special.
810 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 My ex once said something to me which was an eye opener and it has set as a dating guideline for me: "After the night we talked, I just pick up the phone and call you every day after that. Naturally." Do you what feels natural to you. Since you feel overwhelmed with all the contacts, then I suggest that you can either tell her or decide it's not a good match and let her go. Personally, if there's a mystery in person I date, I would see him as shady. However if there is a je ne sais quoi to it then I say it's a high.
ivalm Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 dude, it's simple, you just say your phone's broke/got no credit/can't get signal sometimes etc etc. you have a plethora of reasons why you can't text her at your disposal. Then you can ring her half way through the week on your home phone so that she doesnt think you're avoiding her. I always wheel out these excuses because, like you said, it makes actually meeting her a lot less special. I don't think lying, even minor lying, is ever good. Come on people, be honest and it'll be for the best.
creighton0123 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 dude, it's simple, you just say your phone's broke/got no credit/can't get signal sometimes etc etc. you have a plethora of reasons why you can't text her at your disposal. Then you can ring her half way through the week on your home phone so that she doesnt think you're avoiding her. I always wheel out these excuses because, like you said, it makes actually meeting her a lot less special. Yes.... lying is always a good thing to do at the beginning of a relationship....
catgotyourtongue Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 TO answer posters question: I sure do think that communication has drastically changed for a lot of people, not for others. Because of text, email, instant access, what used to be the sort of "acceptable" practice of calling once a week or a few days after a date, or whatever the norm was, is less common I think. Having all these ways to connect, quickly has given people a way to reach out any way they want, at any pace, time, regardless of what the other person wants. You need to decide I guess what works for you, and what you want, with contact, relationship etc. If too much is too much, you will know that, and feel it. She may have totally different way of communicating, that is just too much for you.
Imajerk17 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 (edited) This is what I meant when I wrote the thread "Seems like no one "dates" anymore". To me, you meet someone and have a good time, you see them again--about 5 days seems right to me--and maybe check in once or twice in the meanwhile. That doesn't seem to be the way a lot of people work nowadays. So much of the courtship process is now compressed into the first date lately. If the first date goes "great", you're already in this relationship where you're talking to each other every day. If it goes only "well", then there's no second date. It's an adjustment I've had to make. I used to end the first date telling her I wanted to see her again, and then call the girl two days later to set up the second date (not because of "rules", but because of the natural pace of things), and that was fine a decade ago. Nowadays that seems to be too slow, and I've made some changes. catgotyourtongue brought this up. I don't want to not get to see an otherwise great girl because of different communication styles. So theumlaut, I get what you're saying. Your date is coming up soon right? Maybe talk about this issue when you meet up. Edited January 7, 2011 by Imajerk17
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