sfl Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I've been with my girlfriend for around 6 months now, on the whole things are great, we're now living together after she gave up a hell of a lot to be with me and put an end to it being a long distance relationship. She's incredibly sweet, thoughtful, always helps out around the house, incredibly attractive, intelligent, caring and everything you could ever want. But sometimes she just changes, for absolutely no reason, and she'll either become angry, sulky, moody, aggressive or say something quite hurtful that she then assures me she doesn't mean... and if I don't accept her apology instantly (and I mean without even a few seconds hesitation) she takes it really badly and it makes the situation even worse. She also hates being ignored which is bad for me since I regularly am day dreaming or concentrate on things and don't always answer right away. These are traits she got from her dad - a very cool guy but has severe hangups on these things and it's been passed down to her. I'm actually finding it *really* difficult to live with her right now, after just a month of doing so, because I'm constantly treading on egg shells for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, not really the way I want to live in my own house. It also doesn't help that right now she's not working (due to only just moving back here) so every evening I feel really pressured to make sure I do everything to please her, I never spend time doing the things I want to, and this is going to cause huge issues since I spend a lot of my time in the evenings doing work, something I haven't had a chance to do in the last month and something I'm going to have to start doing again very soon. Apologies for the long post, in summary: Awesome girlfriend gave up everything to be with me, we get on amazingly for the most part but she turns without any warning, I'm *constantly* treading on egg shells and worrying about saying/doing the wrong thing, and I never get any time to do my own thing, which is going to cause huge problems with work soon. Any suggestions on what to do please? I'm really at a loss. I don't want to lose her, no way, especially after she gave up so much, but it's already starting to wear me down and it's going to get worse before it gets better...
poorguy Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Look into the Honeymoon phase. Sounds like that part of the relationship is now over and the "real" her is surfacing. Sounds also like there may be other things contributing to her attitude, like not working etc.
creighton0123 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Have you calmly and rationally talked to her about this? If not, it's essential that you do in such a way as to be both sensitive and non-accusatory. Let her know ahead of time if you have to do some work from home. Let her know that you care about her a great deal, but that you don't understand why she gets mad sometimes and that you really want to understand. If she can't respond in a rational manner, chances are that she has deeper issues that she needs to work through. When faced with rationality and honest communication, for a person to go off the deep end indicates massive issues with insecurity. Tell her that you want to be with her and expect that your relationship will be massively successful - and that you want to share your life with her but need her help and support in getting back to a 'life as normal' state where you're secure both at work and at home. Heaven forbid the two of you have a legitimate argument and you need some time to calm down...
Author sfl Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 Look into the Honeymoon phase. Sounds like that part of the relationship is now over and the "real" her is surfacing. Sounds also like there may be other things contributing to her attitude, like not working etc. To be fair, it's always been there, I'm just noticing it more since living with her. If I'm honest things have strangely got a *lot* better since I posted this, to the point it was almost a non issue over the entire weekend. Some things happened on the weekend too which I was worried she would take really badly, but not at all. And yeah creighton that's good advice thank you, I think that's the annoying part though - she knows she's being unreasonable, then she gets annoyed with herself and gets even more unreasonable, you know? I have to say this did happen just the other day (shortly after I posted this) but she somehow managed to become more reasonable just after a few minutes and apologised, and then said how she was trying to get better and not drag it out for hours like sometimes happens
Author sfl Posted January 11, 2011 Author Posted January 11, 2011 Definitely spoke too soon, last night was worse than ever - she actually got dressed with the intention of walking 2 hours home to her parents (and did leave the house, only to come back a few minutes later thankfully) at about 2am last night. She's definitely worth it, absolutely no doubt about that, but I just struggle to know the right things to do or say, she was upset last night and kept just saying she wanted me to make her feel better about us, but I had absolutely no idea what the 'magic words' were and seemed to just keep making it worse and worse :/
Author sfl Posted January 13, 2011 Author Posted January 13, 2011 Definitely the worst I've ever seen her yesterday, just went absolutely mad (and I mean properly mad - kicking me, pushing me, hitting me, screaming, shouting) for absolutely no reason. She said it was because she's feeling really stressed about not having a job, feeling useless etc but that's really no excuse for it. I haven't seen her since then, last night was the first night we've spent apart since we moved in, and in honesty I've been dreading going home to her in case something happens again. But she's just text me saying she's not coming back until very late tonight so now I'm equally pissed off that after yesterday, and after not seeing her since she went mad at me for no reason, she doesn't seem to be as keen to try and make things right as I thought she would. Not sure what to do any more.
LifeIsGreat Posted January 13, 2011 Posted January 13, 2011 Have you calmly and rationally talked to her about this? If not, it's essential that you do in such a way as to be both sensitive and non-accusatory. If she can't respond in a rational manner, chances are that she has deeper issues that she needs to work through. When faced with rationality and honest communication, for a person to go off the deep end indicates massive issues with insecurity. QUOTE] I want to add to this. I'm not sure I would say it's an insecurity issue, may be more of an emotional issue. She sounds a bit like my ex who's insecurity was caused by deeper emotional issues. You seem to love this woman a lot. But, I can tell you (after having been with 2 like this) that your life will be hell if she has emotional problems. It's so sad, but there is nothing you can do to fix her. She would have to see these issues herself and get help/medication.
Author sfl Posted January 14, 2011 Author Posted January 14, 2011 Thanks, I was worried it'd be something like that... not really sure what to do, things go from being genuinely amazing to actually quite terrible at the drop of a hat. Doesn't help that if she gets upset ever I'm supposed to know some magic words to make her feel better or else it just gets worse, god forbid I myself ever get upset :/
jane100 Posted January 15, 2011 Posted January 15, 2011 Kicking, screaming, shouting for no reason - not a good sign I would say. If there was no reason I think she would need to be confronted about this and you should use your ears and eyes and observe very carefully. But matters seem to be unrolling themselves before your very eyes anyway, so perhaps will resolve one way or the other, without you having to do too much.
Author sfl Posted January 17, 2011 Author Posted January 17, 2011 The reason was that as soon as we sat down with a cup of tea I got back up quickly to get us both a chocolate thing from the kitchen. *shrug* Saturday it kinda happened again, though not as bad. It's annoying because she knows it's a problem and knows she's in the wrong, but at the time she's just beyond unreasonable and I can't deal with it. She has promised she's not going to do it any more, and credit to her she doesn't break her promises, but only time will tell...
Duckduckgoose Posted January 17, 2011 Posted January 17, 2011 (edited) Definitely the worst I've ever seen her yesterday, just went absolutely mad (and I mean properly mad - kicking me, pushing me, hitting me, screaming, shouting) for absolutely no reason. Not sure what to do any more. This is got to be the biggest red flag ever. She doesn't have a job which stresses her out, that's fine. Its no reason to become physically violent. I lost my job in 2009 and I never got violent with my stbxH. She needs anger management at the least, but truth be told she might have some other issues. If she doesn't get help for herself and you stay with her things are only going to get worse because she won't get better on her own and she will think that that you allowing her behaviour is condoning it. Edited January 17, 2011 by Duckduckgoose Need to learn to punctuate, spell, and not leave words out.
Author sfl Posted January 18, 2011 Author Posted January 18, 2011 She only did that because I tried to hug her and to be fair, she told me to stay away from her, it wasn't in a hurtful way either, just if I ever approached her she'd either quite aggressively push me away or something else. idk. The whole thing is a mess. I really don't want to lose her but really am treading on egg shells lately.
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