Broken dreams (long)

[valdeetz1]

The background- we've been together for 6 years- almost seven. We went to school together, and stayed together through my college. Our wedding date was going to be in October of 2011.

 

Well about September of this year he had a bad accident and almost died- and ever since then he's been acting strange- it rattled him. He's been a little depressed, and I went to the PM shift right after cause he wanted me off the midnight shift. He works 6am-4:30 M-Thursday, and I was working 3pm-11pm Sat-Wed.

 

I'm 24, he's 25. We've only ever really been with eachother sexually. I dated a guy or two in highschool after our break up then- one for about a year and another for a few months...

 

I understand that life goes on, that I'm young and everything everyone tells me. I know I can live without Matt, but I don't want to- well I will if it comes down to it. I know that he is 'the one' for me. It's not me being stupid or young- I've always known he can hurt me more, and make me happier then any other person I've ever met. and after knowing him so long- and being with him so long I still get butterflies in my tummy. Sorry if this is pointless info-

 

But what was going on- the big issue, was that I want to go to Japan in April. I wanted him to go with me. I was going to be staying with a male friend I met in college- one I have no attraction to and is...well most of the time interested in men. He met him a few times. Anyways- Matt was dead set against it, but it was something I said I was going to do for years- visit Japan. And I wanted him to go with so we could share the experience together.

 

It got worse after his accident, and after I talked to him after the break up he said things that caught my attention.

 

But... yeah, he said he would leave if I went to Japan, and I called his bluff. Well he really left- not what I was expecting but I felt that he should be supportive and go with me because it was important to me. But he also left and is now 'talking' to another girl- one that used to date his brother. It turns out they were talking about 2 weeks before we split up.

 

We fought at a party about 5 days before the break up. He was drinking and stuff. and I was going to talk to him when he was sober, but the issue is I was working 3-11PM and so when I came home Saturday he was off playing cards, and Sunday he was asleep when I got home cause he works from 6-4PM. So really we didn't have a chance to talk- he was also alseep on Monday. He left Tuesday night t his moms to clear his head, and came by on his way to work Wednesday morning and just laid next to me in bed for like 10 minutes before he had to leave or be late. Told me he loved me. Then about noon that day I got the text-

 

Well when he decided to leave it started off as 'Look I'm going to my mom's till you get back from Japan, because I don't want you to go and I cant go, and I dont want to take that away from you. It's your dream and you should go. So we'll see eachother when you get back and see how we feel.'

 

We fought, and I was telling him this was no way to do this- the whole panicking thing. Kept telling him I wanted to complete my dreams with him and everything. and he kept rejecting it, so I got mad. I had to go to work, so he got his stuff that evening while I was at work. He called me at work and told me to call him if I wanted when I got off- so I did.

 

He kept saying it was hard to do and when I called to talk to him he was upset, and we both cried and talked for an hour. And he kept saying it will work out for the best. That I could call him if I needed anything and he would always be there for me and he would always love me no matter what. He had also posted some weird things on his facebook like if its love it will come back and if not its for the best; a few days prior to this.But I thought it was cause we were fussing over the trip.

 

I spent two days crying and thinking, and decided that my dreams of a future with him were more important than my trip to Japan, so I texted him to let him know- but he had gone out of town with some friends for the weekend- a pre-planned trip I already knew about.

 

He came and saw me monday to get the rest of his things and I told him that I was sorry for not listening to his concerns about Japan and wanted to work this out. He said that he wasn't happy, and he didn't want to do this, and we were too different and our dreams were too different and he wasn't going to hold me back. And he said again that he loved me and wished for me to find happiness.

 

Well then come to find out after he left originally- Wednesday was the split, he spent that weekend with this girl and his friends, and by Monday after he saw me they were 'in a relationship' I flipped out. I was angry, but I didn't call him or anything. Didn't text him. But the next morning he texted me- and told me I didnt need to air things on facebook (Which I didn't- Just said that I was blindsided by the truth on facebook- it wasn't a bad status or anything) and that my source of information - this guy we've both known for 3 months- who I didnt even talk to until four days after the break up- started this whole thing with him and this girl.

 

I was nice as can be and told him no one made him do anything he didnt want to do. and I hadn't talked to the guy. AT that point I recieved a text saying 'not to get tangled up with him.' I of course responded in a pissy fashion of ' you've got no say in who I hang out with. and I think you got played by your friend- cause he's already hit me up to go out if I felt up to it this weekend.' because the guy had. I have no interest but I was hurt by him even having the nerve to text me at all after everything.He responded in a typical fashion of 'good- if you can get him get him.' and after I informed him I had no interest the last text I got from him was 'you must.' then that was it. I either hit a nerve or crossed a line, I'm not sure.

 

Well we saw eachother Wednesday again- reguarding a dog whom he wanted to keep that belongs to me. I didn't yell, or scream or beg him. I just told him I was hurt, that I loved him, that I would always love him. He said it would change. He mentioned something about the dog being better off with him and I said I was going to move to a place with a big yard. He inquired about it, but I told him not to worry about it. He says I hope it isnt to far- I might need a friend.

 

We talked for about two hours- him telling me he is the way he is, and he's never going to change, and I deserve some one that makes me happy- he never once said he was unhappy this time. Told me that I would go to Japan and might decide to stay there- which raised a concern with me. I was calm and nice and told him I loved him for who he was- that I always had. I know him, have known him- and if I was going to bail because of how he was I would have years ago. Other than me asking if he slept with her while he was still with me we didn't discuss the other girl- besides me telling him I was hurt he did that- because I had always been able to trust him. And that he was using her as a distraction.

 

Once again we both cried and once again he told me he loved me to death and I could call him any time. I told him I wouldn't and asked him not to call our text me for awhile unless he decided he wanted to work things out. I told him I needed time and I needed to be able to move past this and I couldn't do that- that I would contact him when I was ready to. He told me I should still go to Japan- that I owed it to myself to do that.

 

and he kind of talked me into saying I would come to his mom's when I got back.

 

I didn't delete him from my facebook- but I hid his news feeds so they dont pop up on me. When I get the urge to go look at it I take a shower or a walk or something.

 

I ended up blocking her because she was being the immature little witch she is.

 

I'm hurt, and I want this to work out, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I want to work on me, and I know I cant really do anything till this rebound like realtionship runs its course. And I think she's dating him because she's never gotten over his brother too- confirmed via his brother when she was over for Christmas- she told her ex she would 'keep it down' and went up stairs to sleep with my ex.

 

Something that obviously caused a rift between the brothers- as up until this point her ex had no issues with them- he just felt that was a slap in the face.

 

she's a clingy girl- the exact opposite of me. She basically everything he never wanted me to be.

 

So about a week and a day after BU- I went out to the bar and I danced- had a good time for the most part until I came home to an empty house.

 

Even in the end if we dont get back together- 6 years is a big part of my life and I would like to eventually be able to be around him as a friend. Though I also know I probably wont ever be able to do that- I just care for him to much.

 

I just wanted to know you're opinions. My friends think I'm grasping at straws and making excuses because I think because of his near death experience, me being his only woman, and him never going through that phase where he went out and got laid- and the trip to Japan, were just a lot for him to deal with and that he is just having like a crisis- and he will come to his senses and come back.

 

Also- reading the GIGS thread also pointed out a lot of things- he's been hanging out with all her friends and doing things he's never done- he's basically someone I don't know right now. and as said everyone in our lives has no idea how/why/ or [COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR][COLOR=#fa7777]* [/COLOR] he's thinking or doing.

 

GIGS; cold feet; or just tired of me, I'm not sure. Maybe this is just a fresh infactuation- but I think what is even harder is I feel like she's using him. If it was something genuine I might be more apt to accept it.

 

Its been NC verbal since Dec 22 or text since Dec 27- once again the drama with her- she's 21, and the brother was voicing his issues with the christmas night fiasco, and FB since the 1st- he (actually she under his facebook ) wrote a comment on my wall- a mean one. I know it wasn't him because of the structure of the sentence. However I did look at his FB that night cause I was drunk and stuff...

 

I'm not looking for false hope, but more opinions on the situation itself. I think he was lonely, vulnerable, bored even- not that its an excuse, but I think it helped push him to her.

 

I'm working on me- walking in the afternoons- reading these forums. I have good days and bad days. I know life moves on, and I know I can move on- not right now but eventually. But I guess the suddenness of the whole thing just shakes me up myself...

 

Ideas, opinions, anything is welcome. Just talking about it helps me feel better. I'm keeping a journal too- its been 3 weeks. Still hard but trying to keep positive!

 

Another hard thing is his family is close to me- and they highly dislike the new girl. She's caused stress in the family. And to add to that I recently was told that my ex was in a state of constant confusion. One minute everything is great- then the next he's miserable and wishes he had died in his accident.

 

He and the new girl are constantly gushy all on the FB and he is telling he loves her- (according to my friends- I've asked for no more updates) and his mother told me one day he's talking about moving in with the new girl (though she isnt interested as it severs the purpose I think she has for him) or moving to another state, then the next he's fine where he's at.

 

I am hurt, and I wish I could be there for him- but I know that I can't, and would just get hurt more the way he is right now.

 

Any ideas, thoughts, or helpful tips to help me get through this?

[TenAlps]

I think he would feel forever guilty for holding you back, and your regret would eventually harm any relationship.

 

It sounds like he won't get on with this new person, so that won't last forever.

 

You can always be friends after you get back from Japan. He probably feels like he wants to live a bit after his near death exp.

 

Don't spend your life waiting for him, but just know there never is a final end to anything for certain.

Edited January 8, 2011 by TenAlps

[valdeetz1]

Thanks. That could be what it is.

 

I don't want to sit here waiting forever by any means. I guess the best thing I can do is go on with my life- and eventually I will be able to contact him as a friend. Perhaps. I know I will always love him- and no one really knows what the future holds. Maybe after my trip in April things will be much clearer.

 

It just bothers me so much that he can 'move on' so quickly with her- and its like the last 6 years we spent together didnt even matter at all. But that is part of the process I suppose...

[TenAlps]

The thing to remember is that they are ahead of you - just how my ex split up with me after a year and a half with what seemed like no notice at all, they were probably spinning ideas around in their head for a few weeks or months. They are ahead of you mentally on that front.

 

What is helping me right now is to think that no matter who they find or what they do with other people, it will be a long time (if ever) before they find somebody else who loved and cared and treated them as well as I did.