JohnM Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I'm heading to another country for a couple of months, perhaps 6-12. Any tips on what reassurances she may be seeking. We have talked about how we will stay together and our future and how we are commited to one another etc. Is there anything you wish you had had an in person conversation about before you parted ways with your so for a long period of time. I just want to make sure I cover things I don't want to have to talk about less personally over phone in the coming months. Quite vague I know, but what have fellow members done before the big divide so to speak?
madjac74 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Remember every second of the last moments you spend together and then remind her of that every day!
folieadeux Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 My relationship has always been long distance; so my situation isn't completely like yours. Trying to get everything sorted out you want to say and do in person is impossible I feel. Every day that you're gone, the needs of both you and your partner will change. You may be needing more of something during a stretch of time while your partner may be needing more of something completely different during that same time frame. The key is to communicate as much and as openly as possible so that both of your needs are being met. The good thing too is that at least you have an end in sight to your distance and have the history of living in the same place prior to the leave. That prepares you a bit more for how the pair of you may react because you know each other so well. It won't be easy, but I wish you both the best of luck in getting through this...the time really does fly by and before you know it you'll be back home. Are you able to visit each other during this time?
Eeyore79 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 How long have you been with her? Can you see each other during this time apart, or not? If you go away without offering her any reassurance about your long-term intentions, be prepared for her to stray. Without a ring on her finger, it's extremely likely that she'll end the relationship.
Author JohnM Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 The distance is too great, im in the UK atm. Will be flying out to New Zealand in two weeks. Quite scary really and its going to be really difficult to leave her behind her. As I know she will be so teary and sad and that i'll not be able to do anything. It'll kill me really, she may get to come over in the summer as her brother lives there. I don't know how long I'll be gone, less than a year is likely. Its difficult, she keeps getting teary at some point each day together atm. I know she will be struggling. But we are talking alot and communication is really good.
folieadeux Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I think the thing to focus on here is that you're coming back. Most of us here don't have that luxury and don't yet have a definite end in sight, but are still making it work in the meantime. You both will be sad beyond measure, but it'll get better with time and just become a new normal for you both. Besides the obvious communication, the things that really get me through are planning visits and talking about the future. You already know that you're coming back so that won't be an issue. You already have a leg up so to speak on the situation. Just stay positive and stay committed to your goals together and you'll come through this stronger. The distance really can show if two people are meant to be together; if you can get through this, you can get through anything.
Eeyore79 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I stand by what said before; without a ring on her finger she is unlikely to wait for you. My ex went backpacking Down Under for a year, and he didn't propose or give me any reason why I should wait for him, so I ended the relationship when he left.
folieadeux Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I stand by what said before; without a ring on her finger she is unlikely to wait for you. My ex went backpacking Down Under for a year, and he didn't propose or give me any reason why I should wait for him, so I ended the relationship when he left. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm usually not one to push engagements, but if my relationship didn't start out with both of us living apart, and he just up and left like that with no plans of a future, I think I would have done the same thing. To the OP, I wasn't too sure, are you engaged already or plan to get married in the future?
Author JohnM Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 I disagree. We have already talked about our long term future together and she knew before we got together that I was planning to travel. We have discussed what our likely plan is over the next 2/3 years. We have been going out for 10 months now, its hardly the time for engagement. Just the fact that we would both have a ring on our fingers does not add some sort of magic security to a relationship. Thats an enforced panic decision which doesn't really do anything. I believe she will wait for me as I will for her. An engagement is not of concern to either of us right now. Thanks for your points folieadeux, we have both said the same thing. Its a good test of our relationship and I feel we are strong enough to carry through this.
creighton0123 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Yes, yes, and yes. Set ground rules about your time apart: 1. Agree on how often and through what mediums you will communicate. Will she have regular internet access? Will you have regular internet access? If so, both of you need to have computers with web cam technology. Talking every day is ideal, even if only for a few minutes. 2. Agree on when you will talk. Since you'll be dealing with around an 11 hour time difference, she'll be waking up when you're ready to go to bed and vice versa. In many respects, an 11 to 13 hour difference is much better than a 5 to 6 hour difference when it comes to day to day communication. Some recommendations are: IM throughout the day. Skype is a must. It really streamlines communication in that they will build up and deliver once the offline person signs on. Consider it delayed communication that is a little better than email since it timestamps each message. Video chat Voice chat IM Email You can even configure Skype so that one person can call and the other person will automatically accept and start video. That way, you can kind of just sign on and call to see the other person sleeping. 3. Agree that the time apart will absolutely be limited. If you say that you'll be gone between 6-12 months, agree to the absolute end date. If there's a possibility that said time apart will repeat a number of times, be honest. "I will be gone for at most a year and that will be the only time I will be gone for such an extended period of time." If you think 12 months can turn into two years, be absolutely honest. In your first post, you said a couple of months, perhaps 6-12. In another post, you said "less than a year, likely". This is a big difference. As soon as you figure out for how long and why you will be gone, make it clear. An LDR without an end date is like a bottle of wine without an opener - you know it'll be fine, but can never truly be sure. 4. Talk about and possibly agree to a date night/morning on the weekends. You go out on dates when you're together. Distance shouldn't hinder that at all. 5. Sex. Any LDR couple with a high libido will tell you that your definition of what is and isn't sex can change. I find video chat + self pleasure of both partners to completion to be an awesomely sexy thing. Some people might be weird about it. If you feel it's worth mentioning, mention it. 6. While you're gone, let it be known that absolute honesty is essential. If you need to be away/offline for a certain amount of time, make it clear that it will happen. The WORST possible thing that can happen in an LDR when it comes to interaction is if one partner is waiting for the other to come online only to go to bed sad, confused, feeling rejected, or worried that something is wrong. 7. Have the disabilities speech. Recognize that there are many couples in many different scenarios. There are some romantic couples where one partner is blind and can never see the person he loves. There are other couples where one person is deaf and can never hear the voice of the person she loves. There are couples where one person is handicapped and cannot have sex. Your disability is neither sight nor sound, but touch. It is, however, a disability that is not permanent. 8. As for you: Know that you are the one leaving and she is the one being left behind. In LDR's, the emotions that both experience is entirely different. In her eyes, she is not changing anything aside from the fact of not having a partner with her - she may consider you being the one going off for a grand adventure. Be sensitive to that. Even if you're not the most verbal or emotional person, make sure to show her love. Air kiss her, let her know that you want to hug her, if you feel sad and miss her, let her know. If you love her, say it as often as possible. Understand that you require dedication, focus, and a bit of sacrifice. "Out of sight, out of mind" is absolutely unacceptable. Even if you want to fall asleep and are extremely tired, don't use that as an excuse to open up a video chat or send her an IM to say goodnight. Leave behind some clothing for her. Get a cheap camera and take pictures of where you are and what you're doing, even if you're buying groceries. Send those to her and tell her that you took them because you were thinking of her. All of these little things are crazy important. Don't forget that. One very powerful thing to say when you leave and talk to her for the first time, and to perhaps repeat if she gets emotional and cries tears of missing you is "I'm still here. I'm still me." If she feels that you are still focused on her and still paying attention to her on a regular and reliable basis and she is doing the same for you, you guys will be absolutely fine. Oh... and don't ever get jealous. If she goes out and has fun, be happy for her. Don't worry about what she's doing. Trust her completely. You sound like a great boyfriend. I'm positive that you two will be just fine. If you're not, come here and talk to us LDR'ers. And trust me: A year really is not that long. It'll fly by and be over before both of you know it.
creighton0123 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Oh, and if possible, make some big sacrifices to make sure that you can visit her or she can visit you if only for one week. Sure, it costs an arm and a leg, but if planned for the half-way mark, it'll make things so much easier. She should come there for the sake of adventure if she's not from New Zealand. She should come there to see you... her brother being there is just an added benefit. If you don't mind sharing, what is the reason for you traveling from the UK to New Zealand?
Author JohnM Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 Wow Creighton. Thanks an awful lot for taking the time for that response. The reason is I have been planning to go over to NZ for about 3 years and started saving with my friend for our trip about 6 months before I met my girlfriend. I have wanted to go for a long long time as it looks amazing and I have always wanted to live abroad and it seems ideal. She is keen on it also and the brother things is, as said just a bonus. I will be visiting them as they are near Wellington. I am going to try time it so that I work down towards their city with enough time for her to save for a flight over so we get a couple of weeks over there together. I apologise seemingly contradicting myself but its very hard to say how long I'll be gone. I have a 12 month working visa and plan to work around the country to see as much as I can and explore it in depth and really get a feel for the place. I want to go for at least 6 months but its hard to say how long my money will last and if I'll find work which is why its kind of hopefully 6 months at least but definately less than twelve as my visa will end. On the communication thing I have been trying to get that sorted for the past few months. I planned to use my mobile abroad but that seems fraught so I am going to pick up a local sim and use that with a data pack and wi-fi I think. I spend about £150 yesterday on a htc android phone so I can use skype. But it seems dodgy as when we tested it, the delay and lag in voice was terrible so Im trying to sort something else out. If not I'll use just online messages when I can't get on a real comp. We have discussed using cams as a sexual outlet, we have always been very big on sex texting oddly enough. What can I say? I'm very good at it haha. May get difficult for privacy but I can't tell where I'll be or what im doing until I get over there and setup really. I will be leaving her clothes and have left her my aftershave to spray for scent, I will be taking my dslr camera to send nice photos and am currently recording a cover of me singing a song we kind of have as our own to send to her on her birthday or valentines, undecided yet. We do talk alot and are open so I'm sure we'll kind of develop into what we need from one another whilst apart, I think most of the things so far are covered. Its just managing to get comm up and running upon arrival as I know its important and will work hard to keep it up.
Eeyore79 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 We have already talked about our long term future together and she knew before we got together that I was planning to travel. My relationship also started with me knowing he intended to travel. My thought was "that was the plan before he met me". I expected that his plans should have changed since he was in a serious committed relationship with someone who (I thought) he wouldn't want to lose. Given that we'd dated for two years, I thought his plans should have changed to prioritise our relationship above his desire to go backpacking. I guess I was wrong - he went Down Under without giving me any security or any reason to wait for him, so I ended the relationship. He was saddened but didn't change his mind about leaving me, which I guess says it all. Perhaps 10 months is too soon to get engaged. But I have a feeling that if you walk away and leave her, she may not be waiting for you when you return.
Author JohnM Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 You have been through a simliar experience and I am sad that it ended for you that way. Its perhaps a bit selfish to want to stop someone else from doing something they have been planning for their own sake. I would not stop my girlfriend from doing the exact same thing with me. I trust her, and she trusts me. She is happy that I am going to be doing something I have been wanting to for a long time and because we have been honest about what is happening we have always been in discussion about it. Perhaps you didn't build a future together before it came to a critical point where he was leaving? A relationship is a close bond between two people, but that doesn't give one the right to stop another's desires for their own needs. A strong connection and trust is required to let a loved one have the freedom to be apart but know they will return I guess and I feel I have that.
Eeyore79 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Not only did I not want my bf to leave me, I felt that he shouldn't want to leave me. His willingness to leave me and his prioritisation of his needs above mine are what caused me to end the relationship. I felt that if he was able to leave me then he obviously didn't love me enough to be worth waiting for, especially since he hadn't offered me any guarantees about our future. He ended up enjoying himself so much that he extended his trip to two years, so I'm glad I dumped him. If your gf is truly supportive of your desire to leave and doesn't see it as you not loving her enough to stay, then maybe things will work out. Nevertheless, you should be aware that by leaving you are introducing a risk to your relationship; personally I would not be prepared to risk a relationship with someone I truly loved by letting go of them for even one second. I hope it works out for you
TokyoG33kyGal Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 well first question, is she expecting marriage any time soon? you said your original plan was 2-3 years? do not make solid promises if you cannot deliver it but do not be vague too. tell her your "own" plans for this year. make it short-term plans first as you cannot tell what the future holds. she also has the say in the relationship so ask her about what she feels about your "personal" plans. ask her what are her expectations. be honest to one another. i won't say push for engagement if you are not ready yet especially since you are gonna start anew in another country. plan first how your next meeting's gonna go down. give her plan A and plan B, so it will make her feel like you have really thought about this and not just planning to leave her in the dark.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Not everyone wants to get married, me and my ex weren't interested in marriage and neither are me or my current partner, marriage isn't for everyone, so it's not really relevant in this thread. I stand by what said before; without a ring on her finger she is unlikely to wait for you. My ex went backpacking Down Under for a year, and he didn't propose or give me any reason why I should wait for him, so I ended the relationship when he left.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 It sounds like you cut your nose off to spite your face. No offence but it's not good to be so needy with a partner, you can't expect them to alter big plans they made before meeting you, compromising sometimes of course yes, but not holding someone back if they want to do something which will make them happy. It sounds like you didn't want him to be happy. He might not have extended his trip if you hadn't dumped him. Not only did I not want my bf to leave me, I felt that he shouldn't want to leave me. His willingness to leave me and his prioritisation of his needs above mine are what caused me to end the relationship. I felt that if he was able to leave me then he obviously didn't love me enough to be worth waiting for, especially since he hadn't offered me any guarantees about our future. He ended up enjoying himself so much that he extended his trip to two years, so I'm glad I dumped him. If your gf is truly supportive of your desire to leave and doesn't see it as you not loving her enough to stay, then maybe things will work out. Nevertheless, you should be aware that by leaving you are introducing a risk to your relationship; personally I would not be prepared to risk a relationship with someone I truly loved by letting go of them for even one second. I hope it works out for you
Author JohnM Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 well first question, is she expecting marriage any time soon? you said your original plan was 2-3 years? do not make solid promises if you cannot deliver it but do not be vague too. i won't say push for engagement if you are not ready yet especially since you are gonna start anew in another country. plan first how your next meeting's gonna go down. give her plan A and plan B, so it will make her feel like you have really thought about this and not just planning to leave her in the dark. She is not expecting engagement thats for sure. But we have discussed this, marriage and children. I have stated that I would be happy to get married once we had a home of our own and are settled. I said when I'm about 28, which would be in about three years and she was fine with that. I feel we have discussed that topic to the extent it deserves right now, we both know we want it to happen and around about at what point. But variables can change. If we decide to move to NZ it may get brought forward, but that would still fit within the sort of timeframe we expect. She knows I'm committed to her and we are comfortable enough not to have to timestamp something like marriage. I don't really see it as crucial right now, I just know it will happen. Some couples don't even get married but stay together so I don't see the problem. In fact, her mother and father did not get married and had two kids and the usual family life. Just not the shared second name, so I don't see its importance in this situation right now.
Eeyore79 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 It sounds like you cut your nose off to spite your face. No offence but it's not good to be so needy with a partner, you can't expect them to alter big plans they made before meeting you, compromising sometimes of course yes, but not holding someone back if they want to do something which will make them happy. It sounds like you didn't want him to be happy. He might not have extended his trip if you hadn't dumped him. I had raised the subject of marriage, and he said he didn't want to get married; he wanted to go travelling for an extended period and he wanted me to go with him. I wasn't about to give up my home and my career to trail around the world after him; I wanted to settle down, get married and have kids. More specifically, I wanted him to settle down and be a responsible husband with a job and a mortgage, not flit off abroad and leave me alone with no guarantees that our relationship was ever going to go in the marriage/kids direction. If he had promised to marry me and settle down when he came back, I might have considered waiting for him, but he didn't. He was 30 at the time, and I was tired of waiting; I figured if he's not ready at 30 then he'll never be ready on my reproductive timescale, so I dumped him. Of course I wanted him to be happy, but I wasn't going to sacrifice my own desires to make him happy. I wanted marriage/kids and he didn't, and still doesn't, even though he's now well into his thirties. I wanted both of us to be happy, and we clearly weren't going to be happy together, so we broke up.
Author JohnM Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 I can see your side of the story now. You had conflicting interests. He didn't have settling down on his mind, you did. You wanted a family and home. He didn't. I understand that. But I'm only 24, she is 20. We're young and these things will come but not yet. There are many things for me to do before I settle to first a country, then a job and then a family. She is the same, in that sense we are suited to the plans made.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 That's fair enough, you just wanted different things. I had raised the subject of marriage, and he said he didn't want to get married; he wanted to go travelling for an extended period and he wanted me to go with him. I wasn't about to give up my home and my career to trail around the world after him; I wanted to settle down, get married and have kids. More specifically, I wanted him to settle down and be a responsible husband with a job and a mortgage, not flit off abroad and leave me alone with no guarantees that our relationship was ever going to go in the marriage/kids direction. If he had promised to marry me and settle down when he came back, I might have considered waiting for him, but he didn't. He was 30 at the time, and I was tired of waiting; I figured if he's not ready at 30 then he'll never be ready on my reproductive timescale, so I dumped him. Of course I wanted him to be happy, but I wasn't going to sacrifice my own desires to make him happy. I wanted marriage/kids and he didn't, and still doesn't, even though he's now well into his thirties. I wanted both of us to be happy, and we clearly weren't going to be happy together, so we broke up.
Eeyore79 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Oh, I didn't realise you were both so young! It's double-edged sword then; on the one hand it's more likely that you'll both wait for each other because you're not in a rush for commitment and kids, but on the other hand young people tend to be more inclined towards partying and breaking up to date other people. I can see why you're not ready to get married; I guess at that age you have to do what makes you happy, not tie yourself down.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I'm probably not the best person to answer as I struggle a fair bit with being in a LDR Also ours started off as an LDR and didn't become one like yours will be. All I can say is; communicate with her as much as you can once you've gone, because my partner is quite closed emotionally it leaves me guessing whether he misses me and what he feels, so I start worrying/over thinking everything. Talk to her as much as you can, and send cards/letters. I would find it reassuring if he talked about the future more, so I'd feel certain we have a future together. Make it clear you miss her and can't wait to see her again. Keep your sex life going too I'm heading to another country for a couple of months, perhaps 6-12. Any tips on what reassurances she may be seeking. We have talked about how we will stay together and our future and how we are commited to one another etc. Is there anything you wish you had had an in person conversation about before you parted ways with your so for a long period of time. I just want to make sure I cover things I don't want to have to talk about less personally over phone in the coming months. Quite vague I know, but what have fellow members done before the big divide so to speak?
Author JohnM Posted January 9, 2011 Author Posted January 9, 2011 I brought it up yesterday and we discussed the length of time and how its hard to state right now. She is still getting teary every time I'm with her, I'm slightly glad she is doing some of it now though. So I can be there to reassure and hold her when she gets sad about it. I'll be writing and hopefully skyping in no time at all. I've just finished recording a song to send her whilst away so hopefully that'll help her through if times get hard. Hopefully the video on my phone is good enough to use for sexytimes. I have already left her a nice photo to view.
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