QuestionReality Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Hoping I can get some different points of view on my situation. I've had the same best friend since I was 10. She’s 4 years older than me, and at various points in my life we've gone without talking due to growing as people, etc. About 2 years ago we were in different places and didn't really talk much. She had met a guy and was dating etc, and eventually started calling a lot to hang out etc. My BF at the time (now husband) lived in the Uk, so I spent most of my time working overtime, to afford to see him, and him me, etc to further our relationship. My best friend decided to get married about a yr and a half ago. Not knowing her husband well, I agreed to be in her wedding, I was happy for her, she was happy and in love. Well in the course of the wedding stuff, I got to get to know the husband a bit, and really wasn't impressed with him, but hey, wasn't my marriage so I kept my mouth shut. Some of the qualities I was surprised she put up with. He is one of those downer people, never has nothing nice to say, sarcastic, makes backhanded remarks to her etc. One thing that REALLY upset me, was at their rehearsal dinner he came outside where people were smoking and announced" at least this one likes me!" . Still, I kept my mouth shut figuring as long as she was happy, it was none of my concern. He had made some offhanded remarks to me as well. Mostly due to my BF being in a different country and " it's not like you’re not pretty, why would you go through the hassle?".. I humored it once by explaining that sure, falling in love with someone down the street would've been a lot easier, alas, you don't get to choose these things. I doubt he got my point. So the wedding day comes, my BF flew in to be my date, and we were going back to Scotland together a week after. It was a lovely surprise, him showing up & I was elated to have him there. He's very intuitive himself, so when we got home, I found he had a lot of the same feelings about my friends new husband, which made me feel like, OK I'm not imagining or horrible, someone else sees it too". So with the Face book explosion, of course we both add them to FB, and over time I got more annoyed with every smart assed comment the husband made. She was also posting those type of attention seeking status, or Ego type status. I've never been one to do either, I figure the people I talk to daily know what's going on, I don’t need to post it online. (ironic eh) lol So, figuring I've had enough, I delete the husband, and a few weeks later, respond to one of those attention seeking status of my friends with something proactive.. like instead of a cryptic status about how "some people are just so obnoxious" why not call said person and tell them instead of posting it on FB.. well that released a comment fest on how I was "overreacting and acting like a shrink on FB" .. that’s one of her defense mechanisms I suppose.. belittling to avoid the issue. I don't know. So after that I just ignored her on FB. About a month ago, she hints on FB she's pregnant. Through mutual people etc..finally to lead up to an "I’m pregnant" status, of which I replied with a Congrats!" It's all so so fake.. lol Couple weeks go by, she deletes me, I don't mind. Deletes my husband..he didn't mind.. but now is actually talking **** about me to mutual friends at every chance she gets. Now, how I interpret this whole thing is that the FB ****..was just wanting a reaction. Certain things she posted I would state point blank" I’m not going to gossip on someone I’m just glad its resolved" or something equally neutral. Just seems to me that she has a lot of anger toward me, and I have no idea why. I distanced myself because I realized a lot of her morals/values that I thought she would grow out of, have gotten worse.. and the way she views people and handles the things in life, I really think some of it is horrible and mean spirited. But I kept my opinions to myself. I've never imposed my morals/values on her. I supported her marriage, even though her husband is a dick. Really, I don't think she has any reason for all this anger and hostility. I haven't found a way to address it yet. Some people have told me to talk it out, but she's really dysfunctional in the communication department. She's the person who's sarcastic, acts like they don't care, gets angry and stomps off until months later you have to seek her out. Then, without ever bringing up the issue again, she acts like it didn't happen & your friends again. I don't think a friendship is salvageable @ this point, but I think I need closure.. and to find out why she's on a smear campaign with mutual friends and deal with that so @ least we're civil. Sorry for the drama book, I've just been brooding on this for a while. Any insight is appreciated guys Josie
vintagecat Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Sadly you probably already know your answer. It's difficult when you can't be friends with your friends anymore. You sound like a loyal person but circumstances being what they are, you'll probably just have to let her go for now. She may come back in a better frame of mind sometime in the future or she may never come back. Personally I'm no FB fan. I see too many people caught up in angst over the medium itself which is a poor substitute for actual communication. Sounds like your friend is all caught up in the FB game. Best of luck to you.
vintagecat Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 (edited) I wanted to add that sometimes you can't have closure without making things worse than they already are and escalating the problem to new heights. I think that this might be especially true in this case based upon your description of this soon to be ex-friend. Your real friends know who you are and they won't think the worse of you, likely knowing what this woman is well capable of. Your "friend's" shot lobbing campaign will die off soon enough without further ammunition and she should then move on to another target of convenience. Just let this all pass without getting into it with her and giving her more "rounds" to use against you. Again best of luck. Edited January 7, 2011 by vintagecat
Author QuestionReality Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I'm feeling better on the whole situation as more time goes by. Hopefully by ignoring the things she's doing to garner a reaction will make the drama die off quickly Thanks Again =)
blueyedgrl85 Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 I agree with what Vintagecat wrote and I'd also like to add that the reason why she is talking smack about you is to illicit a reaction from you. She already caused drama on facebook, so she has to find another way to get to you. The best thing is probably to ignore her and move on with your life. It's not worth your time/effort/energy, etc. It's sad to let a friendship go, but sometimes it's best to move on and meet new people. You'll always have the memories and at the time she was a good friend, but people grow at different rates and sometimes we outgrow them. You sound like a caring friend who deserves other caring, kind friends in return. Take care!
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