northern_sky Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I've always wondered why it is that some guys are reluctant to use a girl's name, especially when first getting to know her. All of the guys I dated who turned out to be selfish or emotionally unavailable rarely used my name. It's always hey this or hey that. If we got into a serious long term relationship, they would start using it more often, but it was still uncommon. Even a few of the guys who really liked me were hesitant about calling me by name at first. What's the deal with this? I'll admit it annoys the crap out of me, as it feels very impersonal. I mean has our society become so detached that, in the interest of proving you don't give a fck, it's considered overly intimate to call somebody by their given name? I always make a point of using people's names, even when I barely know them. It communicates respect and warmth.
Author northern_sky Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 Are you listening to Destiny's Child? Haha, yes actually, and I made a reference in the thread title. But the idea made me think of the song, not the reverse.
Smoky Day Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I never noticed that while I was dating, except with obvious superficial jerks who just called me "baby" or "beautiful." I never actually dated them, though.
Star Gazer Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 It doesn't annoy me at all when my name's not used, but I cannot tell you how much I love it when it is! That said, using someone's name in conversation, as well as touching them during conversation, is a known manipulation tactic to build false trust. So I pay attention to who's using it and why I think they are.
Author northern_sky Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 That said, using someone's name in conversation, as well as touching them during conversation, is a known manipulation tactic to build false trust. So I pay attention to who's using it and why I think they are. Oh come on. I can't speak for others, but I don't do it to manipulate. I do it because I appreciate it when someone calls me by name.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I can't say. But do consider that once people get into it they often still don't use the name and consider it impersonal to do so. They say "honey" and "baby" and all of that. But when they are pissed at something it's, "god damn it Karen, or for crissake, Bill" or w/e.
sunshinegirl Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I had a boyfriend who rarely used my names - in email or by phone it was always "hey there"; he also didn't call me any pet names. Those were probably signs of his lack of feelings for me, but who cares anymore. I'm just glad I'm not with him now. Then again, I rarely call my husband by his first name, and vice versa. We call each other "Sweets" or "Love" most of the time.
Star Gazer Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Oh come on. I can't speak for others, but I don't do it to manipulate. I do it because I appreciate it when someone calls me by name. Jeezus. I didn't say that's why YOU do it.
SmileFace Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Haha,I don't say people's name unless I am mad at them. lol
Author northern_sky Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 I had a boyfriend who rarely used my names - in email or by phone it was always "hey there"; he also didn't call me any pet names. Those were probably signs of his lack of feelings for me, but who cares anymore. I'm just glad I'm not with him now. Then again, I rarely call my husband by his first name, and vice versa. We call each other "Sweets" or "Love" most of the time. I guess I should have specified in my OP that I consider pet names the emotional equivalent of saying somebody's given name, actually stronger. It's the guys who don't use either much that I find cold.
SmileFace Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I guess I should have specified in my OP that I consider pet names the emotional equivalent of saying somebody's given name, actually stronger. It's the guys who don't use either much that I find cold. I agree(fuller)
Author northern_sky Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 (edited) Jeezus. I didn't say that's why YOU do it. I know; I actually didn't think that's how you intended it. My "oh come on" was in response to what I considered a cynical attitude. I'm pretty cynical myself, but I rarely see that used as a manipulation tactic in every day socializing. I could see it being used more in marketing or sales to manipulate. Edited January 6, 2011 by northern_sky
sunshinegirl Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I guess I should have specified in my OP that I consider pet names the emotional equivalent of saying somebody's given name, actually stronger. It's the guys who don't use either much that I find cold. I agree with this. That boyfriend I mentioned was emotionally dead inside. He was very cute, though. So he had that going for him....which is nice.
Star Gazer Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I know; I actually didn't think that's how you intended it. My "oh come on" was in response to what I considered a cynical attitude. I'm pretty cynical myself, but I rarely see that used as a manipulation tactic in every day socializing. I could see it being used in marketing or sales, though. 1. If there's one thing I'm NOT, it's cynical. 2. I thought you had an understanding of psychology, and had a penchant for determing when others are being manipulative? No? 3. Attorneys typically don't call each other by name in court. It's "counselor." (Edit: You edited that part out before my post. Hmm.)
Author northern_sky Posted January 6, 2011 Author Posted January 6, 2011 1. If there's one thing I'm NOT, it's cynical. 2. I thought you had an understanding of psychology, and had a penchant for determing when others are being manipulative? No? 3. Attorneys typically don't call each other by name in court. It's "counselor." (Edit: You edited that part out before my post. Hmm.) 2. Yeah, but I rarely see people using this in particular as a manipulation tactic when socializing. It's not unheard of, but I think most people who call others by name are just friendly/warm. 3. I edited that out for the very reason you mentioned.
Star Gazer Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Yeah, but I rarely see people using this in particular as a manipulation tactic when socializing. It's not unheard of, but I think most people who call others by name are just friendly/warm. You rarely see it, meaning you do see it just rarely? Fine. Agreed. So you DO know it happens. That was my only point. It's not always done to be friendly. Further, most people being manipulated don't know they are. Also, seeing as your OP is in the dating forum and talks about men, I figured you were talking about using your name in the dating context, not "everyday socializing."
Jazzari Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 It bothers me when the person doesn't use my name. I always wonder if its because they are afraid of using the wrong name.
Hi.P.O'Crit Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 All of the guys I dated who turned out to be selfish or emotionally unavailable rarely used my name. It's always hey this or hey that. My question, have you stopped responding to this?
OceanGirl Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Note: I am highly cynical. While I enjoy hearing people use my name in conversation, I am also a bit wary if they start doing it when they barely know me. I skimmed over "How to win friends and influence people" and it is one of the top 10 tactics. The guy that I have first date with on Saturday has been using my name a lot in phone conversation and e-mail correspondence. I feel like maybe he is over-doing it and has read that book. My boss also always uses my name, in about every third sentence. I would be less cynical if I knew someone for a while and he started using my name more.
Stockalone Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I've always wondered why it is that some guys are reluctant to use a girl's name, especially when first getting to know her. All of the guys I dated who turned out to be selfish or emotionally unavailable rarely used my name. It's always hey this or hey that. If we got into a serious long term relationship, they would start using it more often, but it was still uncommon. Even a few of the guys who really liked me were hesitant about calling me by name at first. What's the deal with this? I'll admit it annoys the crap out of me, as it feels very impersonal. I mean has our society become so detached that, in the interest of proving you don't give a fck, it's considered overly intimate to call somebody by their given name? I always make a point of using people's names, even when I barely know them. It communicates respect and warmth. I rarely use someone's name. If it's a one-on-one conversation, it's pretty clear who I am talking to, so I don't see the need to repeatedly use the person's name. Besides, they already know their own name , I never thought this would annoy women. I basically only use the person's name when I need to get the other person's attention in situations where we aren't having eye contact. But thinking about it, I'll more often use a woman's name (or a pet name in a relationship) then a man's name. For example, I had been working on a project with another guy recently and I am pretty sure there were weeks where we didn't call the other by his name at all.
Author northern_sky Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 Note: I am highly cynical. While I enjoy hearing people use my name in conversation, I am also a bit wary if they start doing it when they barely know me. I skimmed over "How to win friends and influence people" and it is one of the top 10 tactics. The guy that I have first date with on Saturday has been using my name a lot in phone conversation and e-mail correspondence. I feel like maybe he is over-doing it and has read that book. My boss also always uses my name, in about every third sentence. I would be less cynical if I knew someone for a while and he started using my name more. well, anything can be overdone. I think it's pretty obvious when somebody is doing the name thing for effect.
Star Gazer Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 well, anything can be overdone. I think it's pretty obvious when somebody is doing the name thing for effect. It doesn't even have to be over the top. On Wiki, under book OG referenced, it's #3 of 6 in ways to make people like you: "Remember that a person's name is, to him or her, the sweetest and most important sound in any language." The other items listed don't sound manipulative at all. But obviously, if employed to MAKE people like you (control how they feel about you [which you've admitted to doing]), as opposed to just being a sincere person... it's a manipulation tactic. Whether there's some evil animus is that manipulation depends on the person. You and I don't do that, but some shady guy just might. P.S. This is kinda funny and OT, but the 12 Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking just might work on LS... (Or perhaps that's me being ROO optimistic!)
musemaj11 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 It doesn't even have to be over the top. On Wiki, under book OG referenced, it's #3 of 6 in ways to make people like you: "Remember that a person's name is, to him or her, the sweetest and most important sound in any language." The other items listed don't sound manipulative at all. But obviously, if employed to MAKE people like you (control how they feel about you [which you've admitted to doing]), as opposed to just being a sincere person... it's a manipulation tactic. Whether there's some evil animus is that manipulation depends on the person. You and I don't do that, but some shady guy just might. P.S. This is kinda funny and OT, but the 12 Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking just might work on LS... (Or perhaps that's me being ROO optimistic!) I have read that Dale Carnegie's book and I agree with him. I think using someone's name is more romantic because it is personal.
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