vtbrokenhearted Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I'm three months into my stbx leaving me. I was feeling really good about myself and my approach to everything, but now I'm feeling pretty numb. He said he didn't want me anymore, so I told him to file. I waited, and he didn't, so I moved forward with filing and hiring an attorney. Now he's gotten one, and his attorney is demanding all kinds of evidence for financial aspects of our life. He doesn't believe that the mortgage and bills really do cost what they do. This is my fault as I always took care of the finances and he was never interested in helping with it. I also heard from a friend that my stbx is now saying I threatened to hurt him when I never did. I've admitted to close friends that I yelled at the top of my lungs and called him names three times when he originally began telling me that he hadn't loved me for a long time, didn't ever want children with me, that he's been unhappy for a long time and he doesn't want me anymore; and when he told me he had been having an affair for seven months. I've been able to let most things just go recently, but this is just too much. I didn't grow up around people who did these things, at least, not that I know of. Now I feel numb. I don't even know how to react. If there were any threats, it was that I was on the verge of killing myself. The fact that he's saying this now is just bringing all of the memories of the suicidal thoughts back. Why can't he just recognize how much pain he's causing? I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore, that I'm just a burden. I'm afraid the numbness is going to make me hide away. All of his lies that are surfacing makes me want to just disappear. Him leaving and having an affair has been humiliating enough, now he's just building it into a bigger story.
YellowShark Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Why can't he just recognize how much pain he's causing? Because he is "the enemy" now and he will do everything and anything to hurt you. Prepare for his lies and attacks. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore, that I'm just a burden. You can trust a lot of people. Just not your soon-to-be-EX. He is now an adversary. And I am sure you are not a burden to you family and friends who love you. All of his lies that are surfacing makes me want to just disappear. Why give him that power over you? Take the power back and recognize his lies for what they are. Lies. Him leaving and having an affair has been humiliating enough, now he's just building it into a bigger story. He will do everything in his power to defend what is indefensible - his affair. He will do this by creating lies and caricature of you that is false to paint you as the "bad guy" in all this. Now that you know that don't let him have any power over you, instead simply tell the truth to your lawyer.. and the truth shall set you free. Good luck.
norm28 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 He said he didn't want me anymore, so I told him to file. I waited, and he didn't, so I moved forward with filing and hiring an attorney. This is one of the many ways they manipulate you. My wife did the same thing. She wanted out but didn't want to pay any fees, so I ended up filing. Best thing to do is try to stick them with the legal fees if possible. I know how you feel. I tell people all the time, I understand if my wife doesn't want to be married anymore, but going out of her way to hurt me is completely unneccesary. I've been separated 2 1/2 months now, and somehow her affair and everything is my fault. YellowShark is right, they have to make you the enemy if they have any sense of decency. It's the only way they can rationalize and justify their actions. But no matter how bad things were, there is no justification for cheating. Be an adult and just leave if you're so unhappy. But cheaters are very selfish people, and have no remorse about hurting everybody to get what they want. Unfortunately, time is the only thing that can ease the pain and also the numbness. You need to try to do things for yourself right now. Make sure you eat right, get sleep and try to get some exercise. The endorphins released during exercise help fight depression. I also think you are in serious need of counseling. Find a good one and get help. He's not going to be there for you, so you have to do what's best for you. One of the best tools I found is keeping a journal. But by all means, don't hurt yourself because he acted like a low life piece of s***, he's not worth it. HE"S THE ONE that should be humiliated by the affair, not you. You will feel better, and you have your own life to discover now. I know it's scary, because I'm right there with you, but it does get better. Lean on your friends and family, and even people here, you will find that a lot of people love you and care about you and want to help.
trippi1432 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Hi VT - I'm so sorry for your situation sweetie....this man is not who you thought he was anymore, he is angry because he knows he can get to you with it. It's a control tactic so he has power over you. Right now, his anger has you confused which is exactly what he wants...if you are on the defensive to prove him wrong about his lies, you might give him everything he wants in the divorce since he has lawyered up. I spent several months taking jabs from my ex who left and immediately moved in with another woman, it actually got worse after he moved in with her...in a way, it's almost like two against one. He sounds a lot like he is trying to create drama to take the negative attention he has created off of him. The best thing you can do right now is totally cut off contact with him....your lawyer and his lawyer are the point people and getting paid very well for it I'm sure. Let them earn their money and spar it out. Do not speak to his lawyer at all, do not give his lawyer anything they ask for without putting it through your attorney first. Not sure if you have approached your lawyer about this, but for such a short marriage and his infidelity prior to it, can you not just have the marriage annulled? Even if you were living together prior, most states do not recognize common law marriage...not sure what your laws are where you are living though. As you stated in other posts, you are working towards that emotional detaching and finding things to make you happy with your family and friends, please continue working on that. His anger is a negative influence on your healing, be kind to yourself and put this man where he belongs, in the past. Please keep posting...hugs!!
hopesndreams Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 The fact that he's saying this now is just bringing all of the memories of the suicidal thoughts back. I'm afraid the numbness is going to make me hide away. All of his lies that are surfacing makes me want to just disappear. Have you seen a doctor about this? It's what exes do (lie big time) especially so if the ex was a cheater. Be thankful you had no kids with him and you can NC his azz. Deal with your past hurts and have no more future hurts from him. Him leaving and having an affair has been humiliating enough, Why are you feeling humiliated? He is the one that should feel that way, not you.
Author vtbrokenhearted Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 Not sure if you have approached your lawyer about this, but for such a short marriage and his infidelity prior to it, can you not just have the marriage annulled? Even if you were living together prior, most states do not recognize common law marriage...not sure what your laws are where you are living though. He has contested the annulment. He's also insisting that I can't put the house on the market right now which makes no sense. He can't buy out my share and I can't buy out his share. I'm very confused at how he's approaching everything. I guess that's why I feel kind of numb; he's refusing to move forward with things.
Author vtbrokenhearted Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 The fact that he's saying this now is just bringing all of the memories of the suicidal thoughts back. I'm afraid the numbness is going to make me hide away. All of his lies that are surfacing makes me want to just disappear. Have you seen a doctor about this? Yes, I am talking with a counselor. I've also begun working on myself, finding ways to be compassionate toward myself and others, through meditation. Both help a great deal, but when another punches in me in the chest like this, something so intense, I have a hard time catching my breath.
Author vtbrokenhearted Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 Why are you feeling humiliated? He is the one that should feel that way, not you.[/i][/i] I'm humiliated because we just got married in August with over 150 guests and we were trying to have a baby, something I've wanted for a very long time. I'm humiliated because he just says, "I don't want you" like I'm just another one of his possessions, and I feel stupid for being lied to. We, not me, we talked about all of our future hopes and dreams with everyone at the wedding, prior and after. Many of them also knew I had had a miscarriage in April and been laid off from my job in June. It's just a lot to have to deal with on my own now, the thoughts, and now he's adding one more thing for people to think about. I know I shouldn't care what other people are thinking, but I have never been violent toward him. He's also very aware that I was physically abused when I was younger, so for him to put this out there, accuse me of something I'm not even capable of, hurts. I probably don't make any sense.
Author vtbrokenhearted Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 This is one of the many ways they manipulate you. My wife did the same thing. She wanted out but didn't want to pay any fees, so I ended up filing. Best thing to do is try to stick them with the legal fees if possible. His parents are paying for his attorney fees. Throughout this process, I've also learned that they were paying for his truck for the past three years. In the past few years, the few times they've visited, they would leave large amounts of money on the table when they left- in a sneaky way-which I always had a difficult time with. I would always tell my stbx that we didn't need it. It was always an argument. Since I handled the finances, I wouldn't deposit the checks and then his parents would call and ask why we hadn't, he'd insist, and I'd eventually cave in. It makes me sad. Throughout our relationship, he's gotten two DUI's which turned into a big to do, and his parents hired attorney's for him then. He's 35 and an only child, but I would just like to believe that they'd let him earn his way in this world. I didn't know I was marrying a spoiled brat who always got his way. Or maybe I did in the back of my mind, but I really don't like admitting it. My parents have definitely helped me, but more so when I started college, not in the past ten years. I know if I needed help, they'd be right there, but this is my thing, not theirs to pay for. I was raised to work hard, to value what I had. I'm realizing he's just always gotten what he's wanted and it doesn't matter to him. It sucks. I'm hating having to be confronted with this. It also sucks that I worked really hard to get a degree, have been making the majority of the money and then when I get laid off and get a lower paying job, he leaves. I'm so sick of the money talk...I think because he always has someone bailing him out. I've spent a long time being controlled in regard to money. He'd tell me that I couldn't get a new winter coat or new winter boots, he told me I didn't need a new car when I said I needed something more reliable. It just goes on and on. I'm happy and it feels liberating to not be told what I can and cannot do anymore, what I can wear, what I should eat, but at the same time, I feel like an idiot for thinking it was okay for the past nine years. Ranting and ranting. So tired of it all.
norm28 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 Don't feel bad about venting, it's just another way to get things out and will make you feel better. A lot of us have been and are where you are now, and we understand. After I got laid off last year, my wife and I agreed that I would stay home with the kids. Then when the bomb dropped, she said "why couldn't you go out and get a job"? They will do anything to turn the tables. My comment about the filing was that they usually want you to be the one to file, that way they don't act like it's their fault. Once you do, they'll lawyer up and fight like crazy. My wife's entire mindset and attitude has changed since she got the papers. It's not out of remorse or guilt, it's because she was forced to get a lwayer who told her to cut it out. No more angry e-mails, no more throwing the affair in my face, etc. As you stated in your original post, this is a very agonizing and confusing time for you, but you can get through it. You'll be amazed at the strength you can find when called upon to do so. In the meantime, keep posting and venting, and everyone will keep supporting you!! Good luck.
Author vtbrokenhearted Posted January 7, 2011 Author Posted January 7, 2011 Thank you Norm. I really appreciate it. I do have some incredibly supportive friends who have picked up any time of day to listen and my family has been there every step of the way, but now I've had a friend who says they want to reconcile and save their friendship with my stbx. They also said, "it's been three months; you need to stop talking about him and all that he's done; you need to move on." I felt totally shut off...I guess that's why I began feeling like a burden. I don't want to lose my friendship with this person either, but I also don't feel like I can talk about this at all with him anymore. I've tried my best to stop fixating on the situation, and I think I've been doing a good job, but I don't understand how I can stop completely when he's left me and every responsibility that he had to take care of. I think I'll try the journaling. It's weird, I've always written, mostly poetry, but a lot of journaling, but ever since he told me, I haven't had the desire to write. Trying tonight. I hope you're doing well with everything too.
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