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My ex started seeing a guy. I make huge mistake. she contacted me today

darran

By darran
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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darran Established Member

darran

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Ok so, 4-5 months (I think - roughly) ago me and my ex broke up. I treated her pretty badly, and she had to actually force herself out of the relationship. No cheating, no beating...just downright stupidity.

 

Anyway, for a while I was taking it all well and good, well to be honest the two of us were taking it bad but in a good way. There had always been this "nice guy" floating around (which I knew about) and now, after today, I know they got together a couple of weeks after we broke up. I know for 100% she did not cheat or plan to be with him while we were still an item. It broke her heart, I think it actually her heart more than it broke mine having to break up.

 

Anyway, rebound springs to mind.

 

So a week or two just before Xmas there are these other two girls I know of who know my ex too. Unfortunately for me I got friendly with one of them. I think she got the wrong impression. As for me I was just plodding on semi happy trying to get my head straight for the holidays.

 

So this "girl" and her sister start creating stories from little details my ex would have told them. Quite nasty stuff, and very damaging to a mans head. I aint talking here light gossip but someone would have got seriously (physically) hurt over these stories. Me being me I bit and went off on one and jumped to conclusions... that was the end of mine and my ex's friendship and any chance of ever reconciling with her again. I extremely broke her heart again by listening to playground gossip.

*** we have this gossip nonsense and why I lost it sorted out, I explained what happened and she understood ***

 

So today, she pops up on MSN after nothing from her but a merry Xmas txt on Xmas night. We shared a lot and she loaned me a few quid ages ago when things were tight. This was the reason for her popping up on MSN.

 

After about 5 mins the chat veered off money and onto her never wanting me back...without me asking by the way, and her being very happy and really liking this guy she is with. So I said "fair play, good, I'm glad you are happy. I don't really give a toss about yer fella as long as you are ok".

 

She said Ok.

 

I was curious, so I asked "what does <name> give to you that I didn't". I made clear I wanted to know simply because I wanted to know where I went wrong etc. She didn't really have much to say other than "he's a really nice guy. It's none of your business anyway..."

 

I smiled and laughed and said, we're not arguing or falling out again, it BS and I cant be bothered with that again. I was just asking

 

So off on a wee chat again we go... I then think to myself "why is she contacting me, why is the reason she contacted me for not being spoke about and why is she telling me she is so happy with her new guy"?

 

This guy is the absolute opposite of me in every way, I mean, I would never in a million years thought she'd go with someone like that but she is with him and that's that. And of course I care or I wouldn't be here...right?

 

I wanted us to reconnect some way. So I decide to say something along the lines of. "Look, I get paid monthly would you like if I was to give you a bit of cash each month and we can at least keep in touch that way and I can also pay you off?".

 

She said "I don't think we should stay in touch".

 

I said "ok so what do we do?" and she decided a direct debit would be in order... and said she'd give me her details in a sec.

 

And the conversation then goes from the reason she called to the reasons why she broke up with me and why she couldn't come back. Without me asking her to tell me these reasons!

 

I agreed 100% that she was right and even told her I wanted her to be with this guy, run the relationship out and see where it goes. I even told her it was a good move to break up when she did as we would have broken up eventually anyway.

 

She then starts talking about how nice this guy is and how great she feels around him and how she really likes him bla bla... I am still cool and said well I am glad, but be careful ya know. You just had a long term live in relationship with someone so just be careful and you know I am a phone call away. Wasn't being anything other than just genuine.

 

Now she knows me VERY well and I would assume, well to be quite blunt I'd have went off on one hearing all this. But I didn't.

 

Then we start talking about good things between us... weird as hell. One minute this, the next that and then something else but still the reason why she contacted me was brushed aside.

And still no BANK DETAILS!!!!

 

So coming to the end we agreed to keep in touch via MSN and maybe even hook up for a coffee sometime...Maybe!!! I did say, stay with that guy cos I want you to ride this out I think you need to figure some stuff out.

 

I genuinely do want her to go with this guy as I genuinely want to sort my bloody self out big time here cos I am fed up being the "bad boy" in the picture.

 

Anyway....can anyone shed light on what just happened here as I am as confused as hell right now :)

 

THANK YOU ANYONE WHO BRINGS MEANING TO THIS CONVERSATION!!!!!!!!!!!

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darran Established Member

darran

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anyone? :( thanks!

Lishy Established Member

Lishy

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anyone? :( thanks!

 

You treated her bad and lost her! What advise are you asking for here??

D78 Established Member

D78

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I think she didn't give you her bank details because she wants an excuse to keep contacting you. She senses that you want her to move on and want to get out of the picture, but she doesn't want you to go (either because she is still in love with you or because she wants you to always be there as a back up).

 

It seems like she doesn't think out what she's going to say before she messages you, so your conversations end up being really jumbled and strange.

 

And it seems like maybe you're not 100% over her, since you are asking what he gives her that you didn't. Who cares, if you don't want to be with her?

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darran Established Member

darran

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I think she didn't give you her bank details because she wants an excuse to keep contacting you. She senses that you want her to move on and want to get out of the picture, but she doesn't want you to go (either because she is still in love with you or because she wants you to always be there as a back up).

 

It seems like she doesn't think out what she's going to say before she messages you, so your conversations end up being really jumbled and strange.

 

And it seems like maybe you're not 100% over her, since you are asking what he gives her that you didn't. Who cares, if you don't want to be with her?

 

yea of course I want her but ONLY when she is ok and I am ok too...we have to reconnect...I am cool with that and I am taking every step I can take to better myself for ME. and of course I want to know what he's giving her that I didn't so then I will know what I need to work on, like what she found in her rebound may have been missing between us.

 

I just want to do this right and if it doesn't work out then at least I have my friend back too! Know what I mean here? She was my friend too.

 

I am cool with all this honestly. I just had to figure out the nature of her "strangeness".

 

Lishy

 

We lived together, made few mistakes...a bit of history we both loved each other the question is what do I make of this conversation :)

SeriousBob12 Member

SeriousBob12

Posted
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yea of course I want her but ONLY when she is ok and I am ok too...we have to reconnect...I am cool with that and I am taking every step I can take to better myself for ME. and of course I want to know what he's giving her that I didn't so then I will know what I need to work on, like what she found in her rebound may have been missing between us.

 

I just want to do this right and if it doesn't work out then at least I have my friend back too! Know what I mean here? She was my friend too.

 

I am cool with all this honestly. I just had to figure out the nature of her "strangeness".

 

Lishy

 

We lived together, made few mistakes...a bit of history we both loved each other the question is what do I make of this conversation :)

 

Hey man, hats off to you for admitting your errors and striving to make a change. That's not an easy thing to do. It seems like you're definitely taking the right steps, which will not only probably amaze her, but also yourself.

 

Things may work out, they may not. At least you've been able to redeem yourself. Good on you!

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darran Established Member

darran

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I sent my ex this email today following our "strange" MSN conversation the other day. Of course I want her back and do things right...I wouldn't have sent it other wise. Was this a good idea? I suppose I'll know if she sends me her details what she really wants. I'm going NC again and leaving it all to her to decide.

 

After our MSN conversation I think I definitely need a bit of time to get my old self back while you are with this guy. You are with him now and that’s that. Nothing I can do until you decide to do other. I am taking your advice and I really am not going to wait about, I am out tonight again and meeting someone, as you said to do, so if it makes you feel better that I’m at least trying to meet other girls then great but the way I feel now, kind of 50/50, I already know it is going nowhere. If I do meet someone and click with them then I will give it a shot and I know if you are serious about this guy you will be happy for me. I’d only do this when I am 100% certain though. So yea… I am kind of leaving the door open here for you for a bit. So yea... if after a bit of time, and with a bit of time between us, you decide that you’d like to talk with me and I am single I would be up for that. I am not going to die anytime soon or disappear :) what I owe you is going nowhere. Ok!

 

We still have a connection and if YOU, and I really mean this… only if YOU want to leave that open then that’s ok with me. It was my fault you had to break up after all. But if you want to close it for good then you can send me your bank details and I’ll respect you want to make a real go with it with that guy. Think I’m just trying to say, if you are 50/50 just consider opening the doors of communication with me again before committing yourself seriously to someone else. I am working on what went wrong, whether it be for a better relationship with you or someone else I have to work on that ****.

 

I really do care for you a lot, I still love you but I am definitely feeling myself moving on. You never talk, even just small talk, so I just assume you are busy and/or really into this new fella. Sure we have a history together and I know we could be grand again. But there definitely has to be a bit of time between us. Just as you said. Not just a day or two ffs. We keep contacting each other which is not good so that’s the only reason I am writing this now.

 

I hope you can take what I said and try to understand that I actually genuinely did love you and this has been a painful experience but a very positive one for me. I lost a very good lady, a very caring girlfriend and very good friend by ignoring what you were telling me all that time and putting binges, work and stupidity before you.

Edited by darran
Colorless Member

Colorless

Posted
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Sounds like you're playing a manipulative game.

 

You apologized to her, now leave her alone. And suggest she do the same if you really care about her. But if you deep down in your heart changed (which I somewhat doubt; your mind games aren't doing you justice) then end the sentence by saying "Please contact me though if you would like to give it one last shot. I'll leave you alone til then".

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darran Established Member

darran

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hey man, I aint playing games, maybe I am and don't know it...but I am changing, I have changed...jesus what I've done before and what I've done now I am like a different guy. We are contacing each other for complete pointless reasons. It's frying my head

 

I thought I was just saying if you want to be with him then go for it if not then the door is open. You have to remember....she f'd off with some guy a couple of weeks after breaking up with me and I took it pretty ok considering the nonsense I was being fed by gossips. Yes it eventually got to me and I blew up but I mean you'd have to be one pretty strong person emotionally to have endured the crap I was being fed and for the time I was being fed it.

 

I am leaving her alone!!!! I just cant deal with these little bits of contact here and there after I go NC for a few days or week... well I can but it keeps me dwindling.

 

Maybe you are right, I am being manipulative... however, whether I am or not does not change the fact that I know what I did wrong and I know that it was my fault for her removing herself from my life.

 

I will take your advice and leave her to figure out stuff. It's hard when you get breadcrumbs, so to speak, every now and then.

Edited by darran
runforafall Member

runforafall

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Posted (edited)

Mate - I am in exactly the same situation as you, though minus the other guy sniffing around.

 

It's hard to know that you pushed her away through your actions or inactions, in fact, it's more than hard. Knowing if you'd have realised earlier what you realise now that things might have been different. You didn't truely know and appreciate what you had until it's gone etc etc.

 

I initiated NC the other day, and intend on keeping it now, even if just for a few months, and I suggest you do as well. You both need space and time to heal from the hurt and emotional turmoil that goes hand in hand with every break up. If you are meant to be, you will, and let that flicker of hope that you know where you went wrong and could fix it if given a second chance keep you going through the dark days, but realise it is just that, hope, and that there's a chance she will never come back. Make sure she knows that these breadcrumbs of contact she is offering you are doing you no good, and that she should only contact you if she is interested in possible reconciliation. Stick to NC.

 

If she does come back, great, you can have a better relationship with her than you had before.

 

If she doesn't, and believe me I know how small a consolation prize this sounds, at least you will know not to make the same mistakes in future relationships with other people unless you are incredibly stupid and don't learn from the ones you made before.

Edited by runforafall
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darran Established Member

darran

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runforafall, really sound advice mate.

 

Thanks

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darran Established Member

darran

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So got contact again from EX...again via MSN. This time tho conversation was started with:

 

"so when do you get paid"

 

I hurt this girl REAL bad...so I have to assume she is still reeling in that pain. And I counted up actually when we broke up! Its actually only been 3 months and 1 week! Officially broken up.

 

I have given her the option to cut all contact and go with this guy, who I am not sure she is that into now or not, by giving me her bank details so I can pay her off and never have any reason for either of us to contact each other again.

 

Now she asked me to drop what I'd pay into the bank down to her house personally!

 

Our conversation lasting about 15-20mins, was actually bang on. Chatting about good stuff and some times we spent together and a bit of light banter. It was NOT a mind wreck or game... it was genuinely nice to chat with her.

 

I stopped talking but left my MSN open, after about 5 mins she said "Have to go here, we'll just keep talking here, is that ok?"

 

I just said yea no prob speak soon. get well soon too.

 

she said,

 

"speak soon, thanks x"

 

just an update... anyone seeing this light contact as a bad idea or good idea? Or any advice I can take from someone who may have been here before?

 

Thanks guys

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