kourtney01 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Thank you all for your advice. Here is the update to "cheated but still in love"... I posted it under the story as well Prior to me posting this story..he moved in with my mother and I over the holidays. It's supposed to be temporary for only a month until he finds a new place. (he has been out of work since the summer and was waiting for a government cheque) As stated earlier, him and I have not been living together since I last broke up with him this summer for cheating on me. My mom needed the extra money too (he gave her a bit of cash) over the holidays so I have been in a tough spot because I am suffering inside until he leaves! Basically, he has been acting really strange over the holidays. More than the already sketchy behavior that began a month ago. He went skiing right before new years eve and didn't even invite me to go. That day he ignored my calls all day and only called me once to say he was having fun with the guys and that we would talk later. He was basically gone the ENTIRE day (early morning to late night) which only left us to spend a few hours together prior to the New years eve party. After going to a banquet hall with his parents where we actually had a really good time (my mother didn't want to come...she has been suspicious of him and our 'secret' fights lately and didn't want any drama that night) we slept at his mom's house because we were too drunk to drive back to my place. I couldn't sleep ALL night because his phone was vibrating NON STOP till 6am and it was under his pillow so I couldn't check it. I kept telling myself it was just people wishing him a happy new year. When we woke up in the morning, he was going through his phone and decide to show me his skiing pictures. Well it was only 3 pictures of him only on the slope. I had this weird gut feeling he went with a girl so I asked him to look at the pictures again. One of them was a video so I asked him to play it. He said it was just his buddy trying to take a photo and didn't know the camera was set on "record". It was only a few seconds long but when he pressed "play" I muted the TV and heard a girl's voice saying "this isn't working..ok, smile, smile smile" to which he responded by smiling and that was it. HUGE FIGHT after. He kept denying everything and telling me that it was background noise from other people there. I played it again and I only heard ONE voice in the background and it was hers and very close to the camera. I know i'm not crazy, it didn't sound like background noise and it was too coincidental. We fought like crazy at his parents house..well it was him screaming and me talking quitely out of respect for his mother who was in the other room. I asked him to pack his things and leave when we get home. Long story short..it's been a few days since then and he hasn't left. He has managed to convince my mom he needs to stay till the end of the month (she doesn't know what happened) and convince me that I'm crazy. (I don't know what to believe) Nothing has happened since until last night. He went to a soccer game at 7pm and told me he had to pass by the renter's house after (he has a house he rents out because he couldn't afford his mortgage anymore) because they needed help with something. At 10:30pm I called him after not hearing from him AT ALL and he said he didn't realize the time because he was talking to his soccer buddies after the game and had to run to the renters because he was late and that he'd be home soon. At 12:45, after calling NON STOP for a half hour, he finally answers my calls and says he is standing in front of the renters door at that very moment about to knock. The soccer stadium is only minutes away from that house so I asked him if he actually wants me to believe his BS and that he would actually go there that LATE when the renter has kids and a family and a job in the morning and he said its the truth, we argued and I hung up. At 2am I called NON STOP (at least 50 times) until he finally answered at 2:40am and said he was at his mother's house and that he had already told me he'd be sleeping there since she lives right beside the renters place. And he was whispering cuz he said he didn't want to make noise. What the **** he never said that! As far as I knew he was coming home after the game! I yelled, hung up, and cried all night. I forgot to mention that before he left for soccer, I opened his last suitcase because it's in the way and I really wanted to organize and clean everything.. 8 condoms fell out. We don't use condoms. We went to Amsterdam 2 years ago when we first met and he bought some novelty condoms there. He says he keeps them for souvenir. After he cheated on me, every time I went to his place I would count them to see if he had relapsed and there was always 12. Now there was only 8. He told me that he just threw them in the suitcase along with the entire contents of his bedside drawer and that there must have been only 8. I know for a fact there was 12. Not to mention that we always fight about it because I keep asking him to throw them out and he keeps saying their souvenirs...a souvenir is a T SHIRT!!! I woke up this morning and called his mom's and he actually is there...still sleeping. I don't know what time he went there however or why...didn't have the nerve to ask his mother either. I finally caved and called my mom at work and told her everything. She says that he should stay in the spare room for a few days till he figures out where to go. (his parents live far from here and he keeps saying he wants to live in the city and be close to this job he wants to get..which I don't think he will get because he hasn't even tried to do anything about it yet) I want him out TODAY he is ruining my health and I told my mother this. I cried all night and I'm questioning myself, his behavior...going everything over and over...feel like I've gone nuts. Not sure how to feel or what to do. Sorry for the long update..I am so drained and have nowhere to turn to.. Any advice on how to proceed from here?
Spark1111 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 It sounds like you are being used for a place to live. Throw him out, or have mom do so. and until he leaves, just ignore him, please! Some men LOVE the triangle drama....two women fighting over him. Take yourself out of this drama right now. End it. Tell him you do not trust him and cannot continue like this. He is so obviously having an affair and making a fool out of you with his gaslighting. Time to out him. Call his friends, ask about the ski trip. Why not call his mom and ask what time he arrived? Why are you putting up with this behavior?
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Does he not have friends or other family to stay with? Or his OW? Why have you NOT told your mom the truth? I'm sure if she knew, she would NOT want him living in her house! Why are you allowing him to manipulate and use you and your mom? If you kick him out, I highly doubt he'll crumble and live in the streets.. Tell him he can go stay with his OW! WTF.
ComputerJock Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Tell your mom, she will kick his ass, then kick him out. You're her daughter.
Linda9999 Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 I wouldn't believe a thing he says, and I would kick his a$$ to the curb and way, way beyond.
hopesndreams Posted January 6, 2011 Posted January 6, 2011 Tell your mom, she will kick his ass, then kick him out. You're her daughter. I finally caved and called my mom at work and told her everything. The mom knows. Shocking that she is letting him stay a few more days, does she need the money that bad or does she have sympathy for him?
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 didn't have the nerve to ask his mother either. I finally caved and called my mom at work and told her everything. She says that he should stay in the spare room for a few days till he figures out where to go. Sorry I didn't see this part of your thread. OK, so your mom knows now.. Why let him stay? He has to face up to what he's done and suffer consquences.. So what if he's scared to go home to his own mother. Tell him to get the F out and if he doesn't want to go to his mom's, he can pick another buddy's place to go or better yet, he can run to his OW. How unfair, selfish and cruel of him to do this to you and your mom, all things considering! WTF. Sorry it makes me angry reading how he's taken advantage, yet expects your mom to take him in. How the heck he can look her (and you) in the eye is beyond me!!
carrie999 Posted January 7, 2011 Posted January 7, 2011 I cannot imagine why your mother wouldn't kick his a** to the curb, but I'm starting to think that you haven't made it clear how much this is killing you. I think (based on the title of your thread) that you are still in love with him and feel like there might be a glimmer of a chance for a resolution as long as he still needs you in some way. That, or you just cannot bear to let him go, and seeing him means he's still in your life, even in the worst possible way...using you and your mother, cheating on you, and lying about his behavior. I've never been in this position, but I understand the desperate longing to hold onto someone. In high school, my first serious boyfriend (who I almost married, many years later) broke my heart. We were in school together for another year before he graduated, and while I mostly moved on, that last month before he graduated was murder. I soaked up every second we were in the same hallway, or the same room. He had hurt me tremendously (obviously nowhere approaching a cheating husband!) and made a fool of me, but I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing him regularly anymore. Clearly your situation is infinitely harder and more complicated, but there is that parallel: you're holding on to someone who's not really there anymore, after he hurt you beyond belief. Make this clear to your mother, and get him out of there! This is toxic for you, and he's a grown man (I use this word loosely) who needs to stop abusing you and your love for him.
Author kourtney01 Posted January 8, 2011 Author Posted January 8, 2011 I did kick him out... Can't help but feel miserable that it had to come to this point. I tried to talk to him while he was packing his stuff but he had little to say about why he had to cheat on me again and just a few months before our wedding. I guess the entire thing was just one big lie...I'm devastated
Recommended Posts